Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

The Traffic Jam Fairy!

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Traffic JamYou know what it’s like, you’re half an hour or more later leaving than you’d like and everything is going well. Suddenly a large spanner hits the works and the estimated time of arrival flies out of the window. The inconsiderate Traffic Jam Fairy is here…

We were in a hurry, running late,
Mrs Bard called it ‘my fault’, I called it ‘fate’.
We’d just passed a motorway junction,
When suddenly the tarmac lost its function.
At the other cars the dogs did bark,
As the road transformed into a large car park!
At the next opportunity we changed our route,
The shrewdness of this move I still dispute!
The satnav was being a wonderful tool,
For once it didn’t vacillate at all!
After half an hour we were out of the mess,
Congratulating ourselves on such success,
Then horror of horrors what a failure,
Around the bend, a tractor and trailer!
…being a farmer I should have known better!
Tractor and Trailer © Baldock Bard 2015
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Hiding in the Rushes!

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HidingHow did we reach this state where we have some of the weakest, most pathetic and untrustworthy politicians on the planet? Leadership – something sadly lacking as they descend towards the gutter at warp-factor nine. The truth lies hiding somewhere in the rushes…

I’m so fed up with politics,
Shouting, smears, dirty tricks.
They won’t look us in the eyes,
In case we see their woeful lies.
No party is above a TV stunt,
From venue to venue supporters shunt.
If only they were Pinocchio,
In real time watch noses grow!
Common sense suspended until May 8,
Until then they’ll each other hate!
And after then, they’ll be so wise:
“That was policy, there were no lies!”

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns TOMORROW April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Lost – One Hour!

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IMG_2615I hope your Monday morning is better than mine! Since the clocks sprung forward I have no idea where I am! Rather like the days after decimalization (way back in the Seventies), I’m finding myself converting to ‘old time!’ With luck the day will improve…

It’s Monday morning,
I’m all of a tizz,
My poor body clock,
Has no idea where it is!
Yesterday morning,
I mislaid an hour,
Ever since then,
I’ve been on half power!

I’ve searched the whole house,
I’ve even asked Ron,
But nobody knows,
Where that hour’s gone!
At my time of life,
Can’t afford loss of time,
So if you find an hour,
Please return it, it’s mine!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Last Load of Wheat!

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Early LorryThis morning is an early start as the last of the wheat from last harvest is leaving the farm. Unfortunately there is only around 10-12 tons wheras the lorry holds 29. So I’m sharing the load and the penalty for the trailer not being full with another farmer in the same situation. His wheat is already loaded and I’m praying that the rain stops before I load mine…

Up before the lark,
It’s pouring with rain,
When loading a lorry,
It’s a real pain.
If the moisture,
Is above fifteen,
There will be a penalty,
£2 a tonne, that’s obscene!
When the wheat arrives,
At the prcessing plant,
The first thing they add is water,
(They can, but I can’t!)

Happy Days!

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Stagnant Meeting!

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SwansThe other day I went to a meeting where important matters were to be discussed. However it turned out to be a rather stagnant meeting where I longed for a diversion. Of course this often happens in the swan world…

“I call this meeting to order,” said Swan number one,
“There’s much to get through, much to get done.”
“We’ve seventy-nine thousand apologies to get through.”
“Can we not name them all?” said Swan number two!
“Minutes of last meeting should have been read,”
Unfortunately at this point a child with some bread,
Turned up on the bank and started to throw,
“This meeting is abandoned, we must all go!”
So the moral of this tale is easy for all to see,
That food is more important than items one to three!

With sincere apologies to anyone attending a meeting today. I’m sure it is vital and doesn’t need interruptions of any sort. Enjoy!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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Eclipse Special Edition!

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Eclipse ViewerHow many of you remember the 11th of August 1999? Do you recall standing about outside looking in vain towards the heavens for an eclipse that was totally obscured by cloud? Way back then I wrote two eclipse-style verses. I thought today might be a good excuse to reprint them and add a third and fourth…

6/8/99 Heralding the event of the year – the total eclipse of the sun.
I bought two thousand hand torches
At an auction near Morden in May
They’ve littered my house since I bought them
My wife said “Take them away”
On my stall at the boot sale near Baldock
ECLIPSE TORCHES – BUY ONE TODAY!
Sold them all to the fact I was shouting
“Don’t get caught in the dark on Wednesday!”

Wednesday August 11th 1999 The eclipse happened but was generally spoilt by cloud and rain.
I went down West to watch the eclipse
A once-in-a-lifetime not to be missed
I spent all Tuesday in a traffic jam
Would’ve arrived far sooner in a vintage tram!
I set up camp in a farmer’s field
More money than corn, tents can yield!
I bought special specs to protect my eyes
The money I spent was the real surprise
I waited and watched to no avail
It was cloudy and damp like last week’s boot sale!
I ended up cold broke and smelly
I’d have seen far more at home on telly!

Friday 20th March 2015
Plus ça change, so some say,
Another eclipse is here today,
They forecast cloud maybe rain,
We’ll not see very much again.
Perhaps we should have gone elsewhere,
To see if viewing’s better there,
But the finest view we’ll get today,
Is via the internet, the modern way!
There’s bound to be a clever-clog,
A picture on his ‘me me’ blog!
Don’t be jealous, don’t turn green,
He’s stolen the picture from another screen!

Wednesday, August 12th 2026,
(to be continued….maybe!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Congestion and Indigestion!

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Traffic 0315A weekend guest was held up in traffic on Friday afternoon. Apparently the cause was an horrific accident. It made me consider the last time I was in heavy traffic, it wasn’t pleasant but when I passed the cause I realised you don’t have to look far to find somebody worse off…

The traffic’s bad and you feel that it may snow,
Your nose is blocked and you need a damn good blow.
The man in the car behind picks his nose,
When the motorway halts that’s when time slow-goes!

The traffic report says the road is clear,
The car’s spent ten minutes out of gear!
The ETA on the satnav is advancing,
And you feel like doing some naked tarmac dancing!

Then at last the traffic begins to move,
Your sense of humour slowly begins to improve,
You pass the accident that’s been shunted away,
And say a quiet prayer: “Thank heavens it wasn’t me today”.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Man Holds Up Supermarket Checkout!

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Plastic BagsImagine the scene: It is a weekday afternoon, you’ve finished work, picked up two grumpy kids from school and entered ‘Mummies Hell’. That’s right, you are doing the shopping for the weekend. Finally your trolley is full, the job is done, when…

Upon reaching the checkout,
The final hurdle to climb,
You start to fill the conveyor belt,
Shopping done in record time!
The trolley’s finally empty,
You sort the bags for life,
But there is a hold-up,
A man without his wife!
He’s a-struggling and a-wrestling,
His shopping’s in a pile,
The carrier bags won’t open,
He may quite a while!
So you saunter over,
With that withering look you can,
“The reason you can’t open them,
Not your fault you’re a man!”

With thanks to the kind lady who opened some bags for me this week. Yes! I did notice ‘the look’ and Yes! I did concede it was a gender failing and Yes! I did laugh with the lady on the checkout at my failing – OK? And still I find I can’t open the ‘effin things!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Lions and Lambs in March!

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Blizzard3315The weather in March can always be uncertain. The days are getting longer however it is a month of ‘two coats’. ‘Two coats’ is the difference between standing out of the wind in the sunshine and standing in the shade! It is also a month for lambs and lions…

Yesterday was a cold crispy morning,
Sunshine later, added some warming.
After lunch wouldn’t you know?
The sky grew dark and we had snow!
But this weather could be a sham,
March, In like a lion, out like a lamb!

…better get those barbecues ready for the end of the month!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Pan Pipes Play Abba!

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PanPipesWhile clearing out a shed yesterday I came across some musical gold. So surprised was I at the discovery that I had to immediately find a CD player and luxuriate in the melodies….

Pan pipes play Abba,
What a great fantastic treat!
It’s their greatest achievement,
One they never will repeat!
Played in lifts and lobbies,
Hotel music par excellence,
I believe unique in chart history,
Even top ten over in France?
So alerting all musical collectors,
Who may be lacking this CD,
I’ll put it to one side,
And you can bin it just for me!

Before anyone questions my musical integrity, No! it wasn’t mine, I believe it must have arrived amongst the rubbish from the car boot sales. Please believe me!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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