When I Am Old I will Not Wear Purple!

Posted on February 25, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When I am old I will not wear purple – I shall have a mobility scooter instead! Everyone better watch out when this bad-tempered pensioner takes to the streets or more importantly, the supermarket! It won’t be long…

I was minding my own business,
Shopping in a far-off town,
When all of a sudden from nowhere,
A scooter ran me down!
Now I’m not complaining,
That some folk need these things,
But suddenly their size has grown,
Next they will have wings!
I picked myself up from the floor,
My shock didn’t linger,
The next thing that the pensioner did,
He gave me the finger!
I just can’t wait,
Until my turn arrives,
I’ll arm it like a chariot,
Watch folk run for their lives!

It should be noted that the charioteer in the picture is just a serving suggestion and not the guilty party!
With apologies to the famous poet Jenny Joseph for paraphrasing her wonderful poem’s title. ‘When I am an old woman I shall wear purple’ is one of my all-time favourite poems.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Blank Mind!

Posted on February 18, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes in the early morning I can whip up a poem easier than a cup-a-soup. I put the granules into the cup, add hot water before sitting back and before I know it there is a warm ode on the screen. This morning – nothing…

I’ve been waiting now for quite some time,
To wake up one morning without a rhyme!
A mind that’s blank,
Without an ode,
This morning that’s how my brain go’d!
So just in case you think something’s wrong,
A random picture of a swan!
What is it thinking? I have a hunch,
It might be going out for lunch!

Have a great Wednesday!

Those Devious Wine Gums!

Posted on February 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Are you weak-willed at times? Have you the willpower needed to resist those temptations that laugh at resistance? I admit that I lose resolve in the face of Wine Gums, Twiglets or Cheeselets, I call it my generic failing…

I sat in the office,
My mind an absentee,
When I saw a bright packet,
Gazing down at me!
It seemed to be shouting,
“Coo-ee, I’m up here,
I’m full of deliciousness,
Come and eat me!”
I returned to my keyboard,
But resistance was all shot,
I reached up for the bag,
And ate the bloody lot!

The Snap Decision!

Posted on February 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I went in search of cheese biscuits. Not the most exciting quest when put alongside the Holy Grail, or the source of the Nile, I grant you, but someone’s got to do it. What I found might shock you…

I found biscuits for cheese from Christmas,
Unopened in the pack,
But in the corner was a hole,
I almost put them back!
I fetched a mousetrap from the drawer,
I bated it with care,
A chocolate coin from the cupboard,
The last one that was there!
Within an hour a mighty snap,
Announced the battle won,
Another snap some time later,
His brother too, was done!

Parking with a Toddler!

Posted on February 10, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you experienced a miracle, worthy of Lourdes, where a driver parks his car in a disabled bay and walks unaided to the supermarket? Since I’ve been helping mind my two-year old grand-daughter I have met his irritating step-brother: the childless user of the parent and child parking bay…

Wrestling a toddler from a car seat,
Is a task that needs space to make it complete!
You undo the straps and remove from her shoulder,
Then she goes limp, felexibilty of a boulder!
You discover the next door car is too close,
And try to pull the child through a space made for post!
Finally the child is standing by the car,
Your hand has been jammed, later a scar?
Then you notice the toddler parking spaces,
Are full of the childless of all sizes and races!
They’ve done something bad, they’ve made you so wild,
They’ve parked in a space marked ‘Parent and Child’

Dedicated to anyone who has attempted to park in a normal-sized space with an angry toddler on board. May a dedicated space be yours, always!

Putin’s Lidl Surprise!

Posted on February 7, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Polish week in Lidl (as if you didn’t already know!). Amongst the shelves of Schab Pieczony, Tlyzcki and Golonka Kresowa is a bottle of vodka. “Okrzvki!” (cheers!) you may be thinking, however you’d possibly be wise not to use “Na Zdorovie!” (cheers in Russian!) as it may earn you a visit from the KGB…

Should President Putin solace seek,
He’d better miss Lidl today
There’s a liquid suggestion,
Of which he’ll no notice pay!

He’s had advice in the past,
From Washington to Rome,
Russian Soldiers in Ukrane,
Just Putin-off back home!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock ‘Prodazha avtomobiley zagruzki’ (car Boot Sale!)Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Mr Pigeon’s Nightmare!

Posted on January 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On Wednesdaty I dragged Mrs Bard around the Lamma agricultural show at Peterborough. It was by and large an information-gathering exercise as well as a chance to see large shiny machinery (big boys toys!) I can neither afford nor justify. However one simple idea caught my eye. On our farm we have long since given up growing crops like oil-seed-rape and peas that pigeons destroy, so it was a case of admiring a wonderfully simple idea/product in action. It’s basically a kite, on a wire, on a pole…

You can fly it over many acres of OSR,
Or on an allotment if you have pigeons to bar!
If you’ve a problem with the neighbour’s cat,
Fly a Scarem and that could be that!
So all of you who in towns do dwell,
It could save your voice and flowerbeds as well!

…Only joking – we all just lurve cats!

Check out the Scarem kites at http://www.scarem.co.uk/
Brilliant, British and hated by pigeons everywhere!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
 www.u-boot.co.uk

Bottom Glasses!

Posted on January 20, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was almost taken in by a scam E-mail. So well crafted was the fake site that I very nearly clicked on the ‘ENTER PERSONAL DETAILS AND LET US STEAL MONEY FROM YOU!’ hyperlink. It was only when running the cursor over the link that I noticed it was attempting to send me to: disneymansion.com/support that I realized Goofy was attempting to play tricks with me…

I’ve must get a pair of bottom glasses,
So I can see behind me in computer classes!
It’s become very apparent you can see,
That scammers, cleverer, are attempting to be,
In getting hold of personal details,
Their lookalike scams sometime derails.
So even if they’re from North Korea,
Let hope the Karma Fairy gives them Diarrhea!

…Or locks them into a theme park for a month/year until they go mad at the sight of cartoon characters with huge fiberglass heads and leaves them begging for food other than burgers and fries!
There are some nasty people hiding out there, take care today and always, they must not be allowed to succeed.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Back Pain!

Posted on January 19, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I have spent much of the past week grumbling about my bad back. Now it is getting better I realise that although it hurt with movement, it was a minor inconvenience compared to the illness suffered with fortitude by by some. Apparently there is a phrase in common usage that applies to me: ‘Man Up!’. I resolve to enjoy my good health in future rather than complain about minor irritations…

Lying on the floor,
Looking at the ceiling,
I suddenly felt guilty,
About this most strange feeling!
I realised I didn’t ache,
No longer was in pain,
And very soon I’d be,
Back to normal again.
I suddenly felt lucky,
My illness had been sparse,
And the realisation dawned:
I was a pain in the arse!

Dedicated to all those who are ill this morning.
May you soon see comfort and relief from your pain and enjoy a Happy Monday.
With love from me.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above  

Facebook: Baldock Bard 
Twitter: @baldockbard
 E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Snoring in the Bath!

Posted on January 17, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day while replacing the spare wheel back into the boot of Mrs Bards car, I pulled a muscle in my back. It has been sheer agony, far worse even than Man Flu. I have spent most of the time since, flat on my back unable to move. Luckily Mrs Bard has been a wonderful nurse, however I think her patience with the patient is wearing thin…

Last night I lay relaxed and warm in the bath,
My six-pack all foamy (Don’t make me laugh!),
All of a sudden the water was cold,
“Fallen asleep?” Mrs Bard, did me scold!
“Errr… No dear,” I replied, made a grab for the towel
Goosebumps and loose bumps I tried to call ‘foul!’
The moral, if needed, is quite clear to see,
Set an alarm clock if bathing relaxed you be!