National ‘Back Up Your Hard Drive Week!’

Posted on January 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Today is ‘Be Nice to a Chicken Day’ or ‘Take a Carrot to Work Day’ or something equally ridiculous! It is also a ‘non’ time that is still close to Christmas (the odd needle from the Christmas tree is still showing up in the vacuum cleaner) but not yet time to think about Easter Eggs and the possible cold wintery weather between! From recent personal experience I think it should be ‘Back up your Hard Drive Week’…

I’m without my Mac,
I’m getting pretty wet!
The laptop is unwell,
Backup I did forget.
It could have been worse,
It hadn’t been for long,
But backups are invaluable,
When everything else goes wrong.
Everyone should have a Lee,
Who rolls his eyes and says:
What have you done this time?
“No back up HOW MANY DAYS?”
So backup little and often,
Is the moral of this tale,
Or you’ll displease your Lee,
When your computer fail!

With thanks to Lee and the others at Encompass in Weston, Herts for yet again dealing with my incompetance (despite attempting to bar my entrance to their premises in an effort to ward off evil spirits!) They are a jolly crowd who are a pleasure to deal with who also posses ‘Magic Mac Fingers’

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Fetching the Non-delivered Delivery!

Posted on January 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever had an earth-shattering moment when something upsets you to the Nth degree? I suspect we have all encountered poor service that has made us see red. However I wonder how many of you have been left wondering what all the fuss was about the next morning…

Tracking on the parcel,
Said “It will arrive today,”
I couldn’t quite believe it
So quietly said ‘Houray!’
I tried again at 4pm
I spoke to a call centre
“I can confirm delivery,
Today we will present’er!”

By a quarter to five,
I was rather less certain,
“Where is my parcel?”
“In the van behind the curtain!”
At a quarter past seven,
I was waiting by the road,
“Will now be out on Monday,
Driver couldn’t find your road!”

However on Saturday morning,
My temper had gone away,
I drove to a Luton depot,
And took my lost parcel right away.
So if you find you’re angry,
It’s less important than you think,
You wont give a damn about UPS,
Being worse than CityLink!

A note for my foreign readers: CityLink went out of business on Christmas Day. UPS has over a thousand complaints on the Internet. If there were an alternative and reliable delivery service then UPS would be consigned to history too.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Attention in the Ranks!

Posted on January 6, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

According to recent stories in the press, a guide has been written to inform servicemen how to address officers. Instances have been found where lower ranks have called officers ‘Mate’ or ‘Boss’. Having never been in the military (apart from a brief stint as a bugle-playing cadet), I would have thought this was as obvious as recognizing the difference between certain farm animals. However it would seem that it’s not as easy as it appears…

There is one thing senior officers hate,
That’s a low-ranker calling them ‘Mate’.
They also seem at a total loss,
When anyone calls an officer ‘Boss!’
The published reminder (no doubt astute),
Tells all squaddies who to salute!
(Could be awkward during sabotage,
With everyone dressed in camouflage!)

Cadet Private Baldock Bard is in the second row from the back in the above photo, holding his bugle at the wrong angle, beret askew and awaiting court-martial!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Back-to-Work Monday!

Posted on January 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s ‘Back to Work’ Monday! A day when it is most important that a good night’s sleep has been had so the harsh realities of everyday can be assimilated with a clear mind! We’re all going to struggle to get through the day, however some of us are going to suffer more, thanks to a bad nights sleep…

We have a terrier his name is Chip,
We think he’s about sixteen,
He likes to think he’s hard done by,
But rarely makes a scene.
Sometimes he sneaks into our bed,
My wife feels his warm back.
I bear the brunt of sharpened claws,
Of a snoring contented Jack!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Confusing Times!

Posted on January 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I always find this time of year confusing. Folk wander about not knowing what day it is, they rush to the shops, only to realize they are repeat-looking at the same ‘bargains’ they ignored the day before. When dog walking in the park they walk silently as they’ve no idea what to wish other dog-owners today? They’ve used up ‘Happy Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year’ and have no idea whether it’s Tuesday or Sunday. As a farmer with no livestock the choice is simple, or is it….?

I woke up this morning,
Didn’t know what to do,
Had I woken near Baldock?
Or maybe Timbuktu?
I quietly went downstairs,
Couldn’t think what day it be,
Went to let the dog out,
The rain came in on me!

I knew we’d had Christmas,
I knew we’d had New Year,
Was I supposed to work today?
I had no idea.
So I made a decision,
Albeit full of flaws,
I’d go back to my warm bed,
Ignore the wet outdoors!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The New Year’s Resolution!

Posted on December 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The world and his wife seem to be talking about what they are going to forgo come midnight tonight. I too have given it much thought, although my options were limited, I seem to have come to a decision (of sorts)…

Someone gave me a box of Maltesers,
Chocolate covered ball-shaped pleasers!
I’d been wondering what to sacrifice,
For my New Year resolution had to be nice.
I could quite easily give up drinking,
I don’t smoke so I was thinking,
In a weak moment dark and late,
I could leave chocolate off my plate!
Just in case my resolve was forgot,
I went and ate the bloody lot!
I decided I couldn’t possibly go through,
Not eating something that’s so good for you!
Wishing you all a very Happy and Prosperous New Year, may dreams come true for you and those you love.

© Baldock Bard 2014
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

No Berries this Christmas!

Posted on December 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I went out to get some holly in from the garden to decorate. In November the trees had been thick with berries, I’d looked at them and thought ‘will I or won’t I?’ In the end I decided against. As with many decisions I seem to make, I chose the wrong answer, so that when I went to collect holly a month later I could only count two berries on the five trees! Looks like I may have to resort to a little cheating with my grand-daughter’s Playdough…

There are no berries on the trees this year,
They are naked of colour so I fear,
I should have picked when the berries appeared,
But I didn’t and so they all disappeared.
However at least some good came from their presence,
They fed the birds, some dropped for pheasants!
So this year the holly is devoid of berries,
May have to substitute with a bunch of cherries!
So I’m off to deck the halls,
Any complaints I’ll just say “B*lls!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
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The Broken Body Clock!

Posted on December 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you have difficulty getting out of bed on these cold dark mornings? Or perhaps you find that you are awake when you don’t need to be up early? My body clock is in need of adjustment and rewinding…

Why is it some mornings you’re up with the lark,
The curtains are drawn because it’s still dark.
Even the alarm clock is still fast asleep,
It is the weekend and you could just weep!
And yet on a weekday when it’s a work day,
You could easily sleep the morning away!
It’s just the way that life seems to go,
When you wake before daybreak and want to scream “No!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
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The Difficult World Of Gifts!

Posted on December 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Looking for storage boxes in a local discount store yesterday, my eyes were drawn to the breadth of suitable Christmas gifts on offer. These ranged from the obvious to the sublime with all tastes catered for inbetween! What started as a belly laugh over an unsuitable gift became a quest for the strangest…

It’s a fact of life old men have nose hair,
A unwelcome growth that’s most unfair!
Most old men have discreet hair trimmers,
(Or failing that cordless strimmers!)
A suitable gift over which you might linger,
Is a nose-hair trimmer looks like a finger!
It would certainly make most folks frown,
If you used it when in town!
It would only be a joke,
If other people saw you poke!
So dear people please take care,
It’s a difficult world of gifts out there!

© Baldock Bard 2014
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The Nuisance Calls

Posted on December 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

In a period of 24 hours recently, I had no less than 14 unsolicited calls from the same foreign number. I managed to ignore them all, even though it was as much as my patience could stand not to answer them. However I have been known to answer such calls and confuse the callers…

I’m so fed up with nuisance calls
They are just what they say,
A nuisance interruption,
That haunts my time all day.
Sometimes I will answer them,
They ask me if I’m OK,
I tell them that I was felling fine,
Until they called my way.

They want me to change phone contract,
“I have no phone” I say,
“I’m talking on a banana,
Now please do go away!”
They try to sell electricity,
“I’ve switched to wood!” I say,
“I’ve wooden plugs and toaster,
I have cheaper bills that way!”

Then they get quite heated,
At that point start to swear,
I ask them “Are you finished?
You’re obviously unaware,
That you’re calling a premium line,
Thirty Pounds a minute,
The longer that you’re calling me,
The more cash my account has in it!”

…and suddenly they’re gone!

© Baldock Bard 2014
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

National ‘Back Up Your Hard Drive Week!’

Fetching the Non-delivered Delivery!

Attention in the Ranks!

Back-to-Work Monday!

Confusing Times!

The New Year’s Resolution!

No Berries this Christmas!

The Broken Body Clock!

The Difficult World Of Gifts!

The Nuisance Calls