Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

The Indestructible Toy!

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While yesterday I was unsure of what to write, this morning the topic faced me when I got down to the kitchen. A so-called indestructible toy lay paunched on the floor by the Aga and two guilty terriers hardly dared look at me! Looks like pocket money will be short for a while…

“We didn’t do it, honest,
it was like this when we woke,
I looked at her, she looked at me,
she said ‘fancy that, it broke!‘”

I went to fetch the broom,
which they chased around the floor,
when I finally managed to sweep it up,
they looked at me and said “More!”

Have a good day and remember that if a dog toy says ‘Indestructable’, that is simply a challenge for your dog not a promise!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Caution Men

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The other day while halving a bit of a clear-out in the farm workshop, we came across an old and unusual sign. It seemed out of place in this modern world, so in the bin it went, however not before it had made me think…

‘Caution Men Working,’
so said the sign,
it had lain behind a cupboard,
for quite some time.

Having lived with a mother,
Who worked as hard as a man,
I’ve no gender bias,
No male domination plan.

So let’s hear it for workers,
whatever their gender,
and put the sign in the bin,
An out of date, offender!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Painting The Ceiling!

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Yesterday, being St Valentines Day, I spend the time being attentive to Mrs Bard. Oh dear! I cannot lie to you, I actually spent the morning coating the ceiling in one of the industrial units with fireproof paint. Unfortunately my skill at this, as with most things I do, is far from award-winning, in fact it has been described as ‘woeful’…

Many years ago when the children were small,
my wife went to play a Lacrosse match at a far-away school,
“Right kids!” I said with an authoritative tone,
You know what we’ll do, we’ll paint the kitchen at home!
Preparations were minimal it looked easy on TV,
the whole process seemed to be a doddle to me!
By the time she returned we’d managed to paint,
three walls two children and she said she felt faint!
But the greatest surprise had yet to reveal,
we’d painted around things on shelves this was ‘unreal’
I was never asked to paint anything again,
except on the farm where it would be seen by ‘just men!’

Have a great day and if you’re painting remember that ‘an ounce of preparation is worth a pound of performance’ (apparently!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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No Headline…

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There’s one noise that drone flyers hate, and that is the sound of an approaching helicopter. In the main, planes are far higher than the maximum height of 400ft that drones fly. The near-misses so often quoted in the media are almost always at over 1000ft (a height my drone won’t fly, being electrically restricted to 395ft), so when I heard a noise I recognised while flying, I took immediate measures…

While flying my drone,
having some fun,
a noise made me shudder:
‘Dun Dun Dun Dun’
I looked around,
and I could see,
a Chinook helicopter,
flying towards me!
In a flash,
I landed my drone,
as the flying machine,
flew over my home!
It was one of those moments,
I won’t forget,
particularly thanks,
to the clammy cold sweat!
It was not a ‘near miss’,
no journalist story,
no breaking news,
not a hint of furore!

If you’re flying out there today, take care and watch out for a media headline event!
I was lucky to be trained by RUSTA – ex military instructors who taught this old farmer what a helicopter looked (and sounded) like!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Black and White

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One of the finest of morning views from our kitchen window is deer grazing in the rear meadow. Yesterday there was a whole group, quietly chomping on grass, along with one that was not the same as the others. Despite its unusual light-faun colouring none of the others took any notice…

One odd-coloured deer,
grazing in the meadow,
none of the others noticed,
if a girl or a fellow.

It muddled in with the others,
no sign of any fear,
didn’t matter about the colour,
was just another deer!

None of them shunned it,
no-one called it ‘scum’,
and humans have the cheek to say:
“animals are all dumb!”

If we had half the sense of animals we’d be better humans. BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Potholes!

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Every winter the weather takes its toll on the back drive that services the farmyard and the industrial units. Every year on the first available day (often after a complaint or two!) I get bucket-loads of road-plannings and fill in the holes (hopefully before anyone shouts at me!!!). After the recent heavy rain and melted snow the holes were full of water…

Yesterday on the back track,
I was a jolly pot-hole filler,
It’s not a bad job,
but on the back it’s a killer.

I fill in the cavities
It looks like we’ve had moles!
Then a car drives by and splashes me,
And I shout at them “(pot)holes!”

Have a good day and avoid all (pot)holes!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Curse of Peanut Butter!

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This morning my five-year-old granddaughter came to breakfast. Her old grandfather was tasked with preparing and serving breakfast. Only one problem – I have a hatred of peanut butter and had not foreseen the problem that would arise…

Peanut butter and blackberry jelly,
enough to give your day some welly!
All that energy needed for school,
especially when you’re five and tall. 
It’s also important to like bread as toast
‘cos when you’re a student you eat it the most!

I cut the toast
something brown on my fingers
Took a lick – yuk – 
peanut butter taste lingers!

With apologies to all those who love Peanut Butter, I bet you hate Marmite! Have a great day BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Aussie ‘Flu!

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Since Christmas I have been feeling unwell and recovery has been slow. At first I suspected that old adversary, Man Flu. However having read certain media outlets, I am now in a position to positively self-diagnose – It was Aussie Flu…

I’ve been laid low with Aussie Flu,
temperature leaping like a kangaroo,
food I yearned was from a barbie,
all I could taste was wasabi!
Beer from a tinnie I could sink,
a thirst like Bondi beach I think.
The bugs now gone I won’t forget
back down under on a Quantas jet!

If you are feeling under the weather, I hope you’re back to 100% soon.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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January ‘Flu!

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For some days now, along apparently with a cast of many thousands, I am responsible for putting the NHS under ‘intolerable strain’. Quite how certain sections of the media can say this when the NHS hasn’t been notified of my ailment, I’m not sure. Perhaps they are supposed to know through magical ways or the bugs in my system are reporting back!

I’ve had this bad affliction,
for a number of days,
my nose has run the marathon,
in a thousand ways!

With a throat that feels like sandpaper,
along with a ticklish cough,
too week to even consider,
that I could work it off!

I know if I were female,
with so much I should do,
I’d have no excuse at all,
wouldn’t get this ‘Old Man-Flu’!

If you too are suffering you have my utmost sympathy. Hope you’re back on full power soon!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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A New Year!

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There was a very famous poem written, even before I was born, that dealt with the turning of a new year. As a child, I was often quoted the first line of ‘The Gate of the Year’ by Minnie Louise Haskins (1875-1957) but had forgotten why it was deemed to be so special by the older generation. It was used by King George VI in his Christmas Day broadcast of 1939 as the country slid into the uncertainty of the Second World War. This January may (or may not), be judged in hindsight to be uncertain times, we shall just have to wait and see…

I spoke to the man who stood at the gate,
at the entrance to a brand new year,
“Can you take a look,
in that rather large book,
and tell me what you see appear?”

He mentioned some dates,
some financial rates,
some states, cities and towns,
some footballers names,
some half-decent games,
and academics dressed in gowns!
I sneaked a look over his shoulder,
my heart immediately sank,
no prophecys nor hint of disease,
every single page was blank!

Wishing you all a very happy and healthy New Year.
With apologies and thanks to Minnie Louise Haskins

 

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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