The Little Fella!

Posted on July 19, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I’ve see some strange purchases at the car boot sale over the years. Sometimes I even manage to record it for posterity! Looking through some archive photos I discovered a photo of a little chap being carted off to a new pond…

A gnome was at the bootsale,
just mooching around,
when someone caught his hat,
lifted him clean off the ground!

“How much for the little chap?
he really is quite cute,
I’ve a place in my garden,
I think that he would suit!”

“Put me down you brigand,
I’m being kidnapped from this stall,
He’s taking advantage,
because I’m not that tall!”

“Hush now fella don’t complain
I’m not as cruel as it appears,
I could have picked you up
and carted you by your ears!”

If you’re off pushing your wheelbarrow today I hope nobody picks you up by your hat!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
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Sweeping the Barn!

Posted on July 17, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the last few weeks the weather has prompted the crops to ripen early. The wheats look as if they will be ready in around fifteen days, a good three weeks or so earlier than a ‘normal’ year, although what is normal is debatable these days! As harvest draws ever closer so my preparations get ever-more frantic. My motto at the moment: ‘We Will Be Ready!’ Son-in-law John ‘swept’ the barn in record time…

Many jobs in farming,
involve choking dust,
but when the devil drives,
then so needs must!
Sweeping out the barn,
harvest drawing near,
ready to fill with wheat,
earn a pint or two of beer!
Son-in-law John,
an idea in his head,
throws away the brush,
uses leaf blower instead!
Yes there is more dust,
through all it he appears,
the barn all swept out
…needs to wash down dust with beers!

Have a great Monday and don’t let the dust get in your eyes!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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The Inconvenient Customer!

Posted on July 9, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Anyone who provides conveniences for customers will know what I mean by ‘Inconvenient Customers’. At my Saturday car boot sales I’m proud of the level of praise our portable toilets receive. Hardly a week goes by without a compliment like: “your loos are so much cleaner than that at that *other* car boot sale!” Last Saturday, for the first time in 25 years a customer let me down…

I’d love to meet the customer,
who left my loos in such a mess,
I wish you’d come and told me,
manned up and just confess.
You left it oh so filthy,
I had to lock the door,
later cover myself in overalls,
and steam-clean the filthy floor!
You’d better see your doctor,
that is if you can still walk,
failing that you may consider,
investing in a cork!

With many thanks to the nice people at Toilets+ who service the loos every week, a necessary but unpleasant job.
Want help cleaning the portable loos after a festival or large public event? Don’t bother calling me, I have been there and it’s not a pretty place!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Servicing the JCB!

Posted on July 1, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

During harvest, when it’s all rush, rush, rush and the weather could turn at a moments notice, breakdowns are unwelcome! As my level of mechanical expertise is similar to pre-school Applied Science, I call in the experts. This week Johnny arrived on the farm to prepare the JCB Fastrac for the coming onslaught…

Johnny wears gloves that are JCB Yellow,
when servicing the tractor, clever fellow!
His service van is yellow too,
(not Massey red nor New Holland blue!)
He pours new oil (nice and clear),
climbs around the tractor like a mountaineer!
Ready for harvest along with the trailer,
now less likely to breakdown or be a failure!
Apparently some have started harvesting barley already. Thankfully our harvest looks at least three weeks away. Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on the other side.

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Where Are The ‘Effin Keys?

Posted on June 30, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning everything happened at once and due to a small oversight I went into full panic mode! They say that sometimes you can’t see the wood from the trees, this time I couldn’t see the forest from my drone! However like most panic events, all was well in the end and yet again, I earned myself the title: ‘Wotta Plonker!’…

Tanker came to fill the tanks,
for tractor, house and car,
I couldn’t find any tank keys,
though I searched near and far!

At the same time Johnnie,
was servicing the tractor,
and a chemical delivery,
a complicating factor!

I rushed around the house,
Like a chicken with no head,
swearing about everyone,
and an unknown I called ‘Fred!’

Then searched in my office,
including the untidy floor:
Guess where I found them?
…in the house back door!

Thanks to the driver from Conquest Oil, Johnnie from Oliver Landpower and the Agrovista driver for not panicking and dealing calmly with the situation! This morning peace reigns. No deliveries, no servicing and the yard is quiet…aaaah…and breath!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Holding Up The Traffic!

Posted on June 29, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Often farmers are criticized for holding up the traffic with their tractors. Many contractors these days drive their machines large distances and incur the wrath of motorists. Despite never travelling more than two miles on public roads, I always pull in at the nearest opportunity so as not to let a queue build up. Recently I pulled in to let cars pass and understood the reluctance of some tractor drivers to pull over …

I drove my Loadall down the road,
pulled in to let cars pass,
but the whole of my exercise,
turned out to be a farce!
Out of twenty-two cars that passed me,
(I’d held up for not one mile),
not one driver put up a hand,
not one thanks or nor even smile.
So next time they can wait and queue,
(I never drive that far)
they can wait, they can bate,
for ignorant they are!

For all my ranting I shall probably continue to pull in and simply not expect any recognition!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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The Farming Factor!

Posted on June 23, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I had just put the last bales of freshly-made hay undercover in the lean-to shed when the heavens opened with heavy rain mixed with hail. Sometimes I have not been so lucky and have been sat in the tractor cab watching the un-baled hay receive a biblical soaking. Yesterday morning I was in the barn when the drumming on the roof announced the break in the tropical weather we’ve ‘enjoyed’ for the last few days…

We all have luck
in many a way,
particularly needed,
when making hay.
Many a time,
I sat on the tractor,
watching hay ruin,
it’s the ‘Farming Factor’.
This time I’ve been lucky,
six days in a row,
I sometimes forget,
crops need rain to grow!

Have a great day and take care out there.

© Baldock Bard 2017
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‘Bunny Ears’

Posted on June 17, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I like dogs, I also like most dog owners, however there is a variety of dog owner that I detest. At the Saturday car boot sale that I run, both dogs and their owners are welcome, however every week when we are clearing up the litter, we come across little black bags with ‘bunny ears’…

If you walk in the countryside,
with your favourite dog,
just be aware,
when it leaves behind a ‘log’.
Some owners scoop it up,
and tie those ‘Bunny Ears’
then throw it in a hedge,
where it’ll remain for many years.
So next time in the countryside,
you and your best friend roam,
by all means bag up the poo,
but please just take it home!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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The Retired Baler!

Posted on June 16, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Twenty years or so ago I bought an old baler for £100 from a local farmer. I baled about 400 bales a year, not many but just enough to make it worth the while. Yesterday I fetched her from her resting place, attached the tractor and put some ‘test bales’ through her. Sadly time had run out and a knotter was broken beyond repair, a great shame as I really enjoyed baling…

My fifty-year-old baler’s broken,
I think beyond repair,
I fetched it from the nettles,
it had been resting there.
I didn’t expect a lot from it,
hadn’t used it for two years,
but when it refused to tie a knot,
it reinforced my fears.
Maybe I’ll try the welder,
spare parts not in stock,
failing that perhaps a visit,
to the local Baler Doc!
But I fear it’s terminal,
the old girl’s out of time,
her baling days are over,
and so alas are mine!

…Just when it is perfect hay-making weather!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Not In Our Branch

Posted on June 13, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

In our local Lloyds Bank branch there is a new sign by the cashiers warning that abusive behaviour by customers will not be tolerated. I never thought I’d see such a sign in such a friendly small branch. While visiting yesterday I had an idea…

The ladies who sit behind the counter
have had a very bad encounter,
someone came in the other day,
behaving in an abusive way.

I have an idea for abusive haters,
hidden trap door with alligators!
If they attempt to scream and shout
It’d give them something to complain about!

In a couple of months the bank will close,
what we’ll do then heaven knows.
As the staff disperse to branches new
please remember the majority not the few.

Dedicated to all those at Lloyds Bank, Baldock. Thank you for being so friendly and charming over all the years – we’ll miss you.

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

The Little Fella!

Sweeping the Barn!

The Inconvenient Customer!

Servicing the JCB!

Where Are The ‘Effin Keys?

Holding Up The Traffic!

The Farming Factor!

‘Bunny Ears’

The Retired Baler!

Not In Our Branch