Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

Pan Overboard!

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On the Bank Holiday Mrs Bard and I were invited to go on a short cruise on a river by some friends who own a posh cruiser. While eating a rater fine piece of cake I made a mess on the Wilton and the dustpan and brush went into action. Unfortunately while giving the crumbs to the fish, an accident occurred…

Up went the cry:
“Pan overboard!
it can’t swim,
Oh my Lord!
Attention Captain!
Stop the boat,
it can’t swim,
perhaps it’ll float?”
By swift action,
I’ll not forget,
the pan was saved,
by Annette!

Have a great week and if you’re boating please take care

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Disappointment of Rain Gauges!

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Like a small child waking up on Christmas Day, I rushed out to my rain gauge this morning to see what the clouds had left me in the last 24 hours. The result was like getting the train tracks from Santa, with optional station and signal box, but without any rolling stock! However the forecast suggests ‘Light Rain Showers’ from 2pm until midnight…

The disappointment in my rain gauge,
will haunt me all day long,
just 2 millimetres (or an eighth of an inch),
is neither right nor wrong!
I suppose it’s just a case,
of farmers being satisfied,
with what we’ve got (not a lot!),
and accept the weather’s not on our side!
…But there’s is always hope for today!

If you’re looking forward to a sunny day, I hope you find it. However if you spot some rain-bearing clouds, please send them my way (but NOT for Saturday!).

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Dangers of Slots!

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I’ve never been a lucky gambler. The horse I backed in the Grand National came in twenty-something places behind the winner, my attempts at winning a fortune on the lottery have all come to naught and as for slot machines, let’s not go there! However it is reported in the media this week that a Jan Flato (66) from Florida was even unluckier…

Jan Flato from Florida went to the casino,
with Marina Navarro his friend,
he put in the coins while she pressed the button,
enjoying themselves no end.
All of a sudden flashing lights and a bell,
the jackpot he thought he’d won,
she scooped up the winnings and did the off,
(presumably at the run!)
According to experts she is the winner,
she pressed the button for sure,
Old Jan said ‘goodbye’ to one hundred thousand dollars,
I suspect he’s feeling quite sore!

Have a great weekend and stay lucky!
Thanks to THE WEEK for keeping me up to date with the week’s news and happenings around the world and around the corner.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Branch Closure

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Often in the media you hear about banks closing local branches. This is one of those facts of life that generally happen to ‘other people!’ This time, it’s us! Our local branch of Lloyds Bank is due to close. It has perfect parking, superb staff and is popular with local businesses and residents alike. The alternatives proposed have their problems, either with distance or parking. One alternative branch is only open on a Tuesday or Thursday. One wonders if these faceless committee members have ever visited the town…

Lloyds at Baldock is closing down,
(I’ve always thought the best in town!)
Faceless groups in faceless offices,
issue diktats from various orifices.
If an alternative one should seek,
Stevenage: Only open two days a week!
If in Letchworth you try to park,
get up early preferably when it’s dark!
Did they ask us, did they hell!
(they’d dislike the answer, just as well!)
I suspect progress will get the blame,
for us, the customers, it’s just a shame.

With thanks to the wonderful staff I’ve known during 45 years of being a customer. You have always provided a personal service that is getting rarer these days. In terms of banking service, friendliness and customer satisfaction, Baldock is BEST!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Downside of Pigsheds!

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Thirty-five years ago we had pigs on the farm. Unfortunately they became less and less profitable and so we became a stock-less, arable farm. The piggeries were turned into small industrial units, about double the size of a lock-up garage. Over the years we have had a variety of tenants from motorhome builders to motorbike breakers to picture framers to car repairers. Very seldom over this time have tenants surprised me, however there is always one who surpasses all others…

We had a crap tenant I’ll call him ‘Fred’,
did auto-repairs in our former pig shed.
One day he just up-sticked and left,
I have to say – leaving no-one bereft!
When we opened his former unit door,
it looked like landfill all over the floor.
I called in some help to clear out the place,
the smell and the filth was an utter disgrace.
Thanks to them all it’s ready to rent,
family labour is just Heaven sent!

The upside to this story is that a new tenant joins us this morning and the old tenant has moved to a unit in Birmingham. I have learned my lesson and am more choosy now. 

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Different Fields!

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Yesterday evening I realised with alarm that the ground after the drill was wetter than I had considered. I had momentarily forgotten two basic rules of farming – ‘No two fields are the same’ and ‘Make mess at drilling time and it’ll still be there at harvest!’ I’d rolled two fields in perfect conditions and then reached the third that was much wetter…

Sometimes it’s time to go home,
and leave the operation ’till later,
the rolls were clogging up after drilling oats,
more lumps than an alligator!
The drill man looked in desperation,
raised his eyes to the sky,
one look and I knew what he was thinking,
“you’re making a mess of my job – OH WHY?”

If you’re passing my brown field outside Baldock, just look the other way and I’ll be very grateful!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk


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Rusty Brain Test!

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My rusty old brain is complaining of overload as I prepare to take my PA6A test to qualify me to use a knapsack sprayer. Of course I’ve been using one since dinosaurs ruled the earth, but nowadays to comply with regulations, you have to have specific paper qualifications. So this afternoon I shall be at the mercy of an examiner who isn’t allowed to take my advanced years into account…

I’m busy revising this morning,
hoping to do my best,
later today I’ll be nervous,
when taking my PA6A test.
I’ve used a knapsack sprayer,
(‘grandfather rights’ are withdrawn these days)
my granddaughter thinks it’s hilarious,
“Back to school with you!” she says.

Have a great weekend. Why not take out your qualifications and give them a polish!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Hibernating Hornets!

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The other day I was splitting wood on the log splitter. Part of the tree that I was splitting was rotten to the point where the wood under a part of the bark could have been described as being ‘earthy’. It was in one of these sections that I discovered hibernating hornets. This discovery led me to ponder my previous meeting with these vicious insects…

Many years ago on the island of Malta,
A young cadet’s future did nearly falter.
Out on the range grasping a sub-machine gun,
I didn’t see the hornet but was stung on the bum!

“Safety catch off” was my last fainting shout,
as I slid to the floor I had passed out,
The machine gun on auto I didn’t hear,
As bullets screamed past the surprised sergeant’s ear!

So when I found hornets while splitting firewood,
I dispatched the hibernators, as I knew I should.
To safeguard my family when in front of the fire,
no guilt did I feel remembering that ancient live fire!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Using Your Oko!

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The first time I heard the phrase ‘Get your Oko up’ was when I worked on a Cambridgeshire farm in the seventies. The phrase meant to use anger to accomplish a job that was either unpleasant or needed extra strength. Yesterday I had one of those jobs to do and used anger to help me…

I had some sawn up logs to move,
nobody near – nothing to prove,
and so I needed extra strength,
for large cut rounds and corded length

Before I started a cold-call rude,
helped to put me in the mood,
and as I lifted the heavy wood,
my back was questioning if I should!

I remembered something that made me cross,
the wood became light as candy floss!
All I can say it goes to show,
use up that Oko you’ll be nice to know!

Have a good day and use that Oko to the best effect!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Monday Morning Mess!

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Monday mornings always seem to come as a shock. Despite knowing for many hours that it was on its way it still surprises. In our case it doesn’t help that we have a naughty puppy that’s not a puppy anymore. All the food she inhails seems to turn to naughtiness in her stomach. Then when she is caught being bad she puts on ‘sorry’ display to rival that of a West-End actor…

Monday morning the kitchen’s a mess,
the puppy had gone berserk,
bed-stuffing was scattered all over the room,
and I had to get to work.
“Bad Puppy!” I whispered under my breath,
“Grrr, you are so bad!”
and then I gave her a biscuit,
my telling off made her look sad!
So on my hands and knees to tidy,
before coffee or cereal or toast,
and suddenly I had a lick on my nose,
it seems she loves me the most!

Enjoy your Monday, stay safe and happy out there!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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