Category Archives: Lifes Little Irritants

The Close Call!

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Yesterday on the way to take an ancient relative to the doctor, I came across two vehicles coming straight at me! Natrually I was a little concerned that their actions might just pose a threat to life – mine! When I returned home, while recounting the tale to my nearest and dearest, I remembered it was captured on the dashcam and it wasn’t just a bad dream…

Coming out of Baldock
towards the nearest junction,
I beheld a sight, that caused me fright,
almost caused a function!
A lorry coming at me,
I thought a crash was certain,
I thought “Sh*t, this is it!
maybe this is curtains!”
I was overreacting,
no morbid thoughts a-linger
as he drove past, still quite fast,
he gave me the finger!

If you’re driving, be careful, it’s a dangerous world out there!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Man Flu!

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Speaking as a man, I have to admit to being a total wimp where illness is concerned. Last night, like a fog descending, I suddenly started to sneeze and my bones ached. I knew the symptoms well, I was in for a nasty bout of the dreaded Man Flu…

I’ve got a cold,
it’s really bad,
I think it could be Man Flu.
So I suggest,
keep away from the screen,
unless you want it too!

Sadly this morning,
symptoms have gone away,
so instead of bed,
it’s work instead
normal for a Friday!

Have a great Friday and enjoy your weekend to the full!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Dental Pain!

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There are many things in life worse than toothache. However, for a man to lie awake in the middle of the night with groaning option removed for fear of awaking his beloved, things can seem pretty bleak…

I have toothache,
I lie awake,
can’t ring the dentist,
’till half past eight!

Go to the bathroom,
oil of cloves,
the pungent smell,
irritates my nose!

Take a pain-killer,
such a bore,
suddenly asleep,
toothache no more!

By the morning,
what tooth? What pain?
Chomp on some toast,
it’s back again!

I’m not bad tempered,
(or so I say!)
Just want this toothache,
to go away!

With best wishes to my long-suffering dentist, please be gentle!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Shovelling Oats!

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oat-dustYesterday morning I spent an hour shovelling oats ready for loading between Christmas and the New Year. The dust and seeds blew about the bin and soon I looked like ‘The Thing From The Oat Lagoon’. What was disconcerting was the amount that ended inside my overalls. I had also found it uncomfortable to sit throughout the day and it was only when I undressed for the bath that I discovered the reason….

Oats, oats, glorious oats!
Perfect for feeding,
People and goats,
Perfect for breakfast,
Or in cakes for your tea,
The versatile cereal,
Grown here by me!
But when you undress,
for hot bath ‘cos you smell,
Then you discover,
Oats in your socks (and pants as well!)

Have a great day and avoid that uncomfortable ‘Rogue Oat Feeling!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Bravery Personified

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sian2In many cases these days, the word ‘bravery’ is something that is associated with little more than everyday occurrences. Such is the often devaluation of language when in mass use. Today, friend Sian goes into hospital to have a new hip. Unfortunately this has been rescheduled countless times since autumn ’15 due to bouts of chemotherapy and even a delay caused by toothache….

If you ask Sian “How are you?”
She’ll always reply : “I am fine!”
So friends never know how she really is
The majority of the time.
So wherever you are today
Give her a thought or a prayer
Because I know today her thoughts
Will be with other folk elsewhere. 

Wishing Sian a speedy recovery, it’s finally time to recycle those crutches! With love from all your many friends everywhere. If everyone had a friend like Sian the world would be a better place.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Pre-Christmas Germs!

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poorlyMy laptop has been misbehaving recently and the webmeister has resorted to turning off my e-mail account. Apparently it had a virus, so it’s a case of antibiotics until it is better. I hadn’t even noticed it sniffling or sneezing although at times it seemed to be a bit down and low…

My silver laptop is my friend,
but it drives me around the bend!
recently a virus lurked inside,
sent spurious e-mails far and wide,
but now it’s better (or so I think!),
medicine twice a day to drink,
so if strange e-mals from me received,
it’s just more rubbish to be disbelieved!

Have a good day and keep away from those pre-Christmas germs!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Multi-Storey Mystery!

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parkingThe other day Mrs Bard and I went shopping. It was too wet to cultivate and I had to make up for being a disappointing husband. Having visited several shops carrier bags had been filled so in an attempt to gain approval I suggested I take them back to the car in the multi-storey car park…

Once in the lift I put down the bags,
and sighed a sigh of relief,
The lift was crowded with people,
(and a dog-collared vicar called Keith!)
“This is my floor” at three I said,
people moved away from the door,
Alas there was no sign of the car
and the lift had vacated the floor!
So up the stairs I climbed,
floors 4, 5 and 6,
on each floor the search was the same,
any sign of our car there was nix!
Back I went down to three,
and walked up to the end of the park,
and there by another set of lifts,
our car parked in semi dark!
By the time I’d found Mrs Bard,
“Where on earth have you been?
Can you just take these bags to the car?
This time don’t be so long as you’ve been!”

The moral of the tale is to look for the floor number after you park! Or even go cultivating!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Out with the Spade!

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The Press at Sunset!

The Press at Sunset!

Sometimes in farming everything goes well, this is normally the prelude for a disaster! There is nothing more soul-destroying than blocking up disc-wheels when cultivating after a period of uninterrupted flow. The machine has lulled you into a false sense of security and well-being and then ‘Wallop!’, the large steel discs at the rear block up with mud! On our clay soil any wet patch will bring forth the claggiest lumps that you’d have trouble separating from a carpet! There must be a scientific application…

Things are going well,
you’re working the land.
That’s time for everything,
To get out of hand.
You drive through a wet patch,
chancing your luck,
the disks stop turning,
They are blocked up!

Out of the cab,
grab spade and a bar,
it’s worse than it looks
the worst blockage so far!
Some time later,
It is now dark,
You’ve chipped out some soil,
have you made your mark? 

You try moving again,
How far, will it go?
You soon discover,
The answer is No!

So it’s out with the spade…!
blocked© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Nesting Mavic Drone!

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nesting-mavicThe other afternoon I flew my UAV to capture pictures of the late autumnal colours in our woodland. ‘Nothing difficult there’ you may be thinking, the trees are hardly likely to run away or dive behind each other to avoid the camera. However I noticed during the flight that a herd of deer had appeared. Wanting to see how close I could get to them before they ran I manoeuvred the drone closer and closer until suddenly and without warning the drone activated RTH (or return to home!). Whoops!…

“Returning to home,”
said the drone,
as it turned and started to fly,
“That’s OK!'”
I was heard to say,
before saying simply “Goodbye!”

Off it went,
electronically sent,
flying over the wood.
I didn’t see,
the tallest tree,
but it’s forward sensors could.

It suddenly froze,
then arose,
perched on a branch above!
When it was found,
high off the ground,
too high to give a shove!

Russell tried to climb,
but after time,
couldn’t reach the UAV
John then came,
with bamboo cane,
from the cage on the JCB!

It now knows,
not to nest like crows
and the height of the tallest tree!
I once again think,
the weakest link,
without a doubt is ME!

The Rescuers!

The Rescuers (with Bamboo)!

I was lucky, the damage amounted only to four new propellors. I now know not to laugh at drone crashes on YouTube, as it can happen to anyone!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Puppy Plumber!

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puppy-plumberThe other day I was attempting some amateur plumbing (or ‘Amateur Dramatics’ as Mrs Bard would say!). I realise I am getting old and tools have a habit of playing Hide and Seek, only to be discovered weeks or months later, but on this occasion tools were disappearing quicker than if someone had shouted ‘Fire!’…

I was on my back under the sink,
attempting to fit a new tap,
when all of a sudden tools went astray,
“Who on earth’s taken that?”

The spanner I’d used a minute before,
a wrench, washer and pipe,
all had completely gone from view,
with a cloth (handy to wipe!).

Then there came a yap from next door,
like a puppy laughing at me!
There in her bed lay my missing tools,
she looked as smug as a puppy could be!

Puppies can be fun but they can also interrupt your day in ways you could never imagine – you have been warned!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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