The Silver and the Blonde!

Posted on May 18, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I remember many years ago watching an old man climb out of a Rosso-red Ferrari in Baldock High Steet. As a late-teenager the young blonde passenger almost stole my envious glances away from the car! The other day I followed a silver Lamborghini into the town. I have often wanted to ask a young lady passenger: “and what attracted you to this 84 year-old, multi-billionaire” but of course the answer is obvious, the car…

The old man drives,
a silver Lamborghini,
Cruising the streets of Monaco,
to attract a slim bikini.
She’ll have to do as she’s told,
To be his ‘Little Queenie!’
She’ll be a Vodka with Red Bull,
To his old-man-stirred Martini!

… He’s welcome to it! Old farmers prefer large tractors and fat calves!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Distant Kettle!

Posted on May 7, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The age of the smartphone has brought with it many useful side-effects. I have a socket in the house whereby I can turn on a light for the dogs if I’m running late. There are view-at-distance cameras whereby you can discover if those same dogs wear your smoking jacket, lounge on the best chairs eating your finest chocolates and watch Jeremy Kyle on afternoon telly in your absence. Yesterday I came across an unusual must-have App-controlled gadget…

I thought I’d seen most things in life,
I thought I’d seen it all,
But I realise I’ve been blinded,
Have seen nothing smart at all.
There on a shelf in Currys,
A wifi kettle (comes in blue!),
I said the the assistant:
“whatever does it do!”
“You download an App,
Then wherever you find you are,
You can turn on the kettle,
Whether you are near or far!”
“Gosh that will be useful,”
I exclaimed tongue in cheek,
“I can have boiling water here at home
When I’m on holiday next week!”

Grandpa’s mower!

Posted on May 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon I watched an old man walking in the park pushing a three-wheeled walking-aid. It looked just as if he was mowing grass. Later on he could be seen walking back towards his home. I was impressed by his vigour, as during that whole time I’d not moved from my deckchair.

Every morning Grandpa goes for a walk,
gives him exercise, chance for a talk,
to others who’re taking their constitution,
an aged no-gym pensioner solution.

He pushes his three wheeler, he calls his lawnmower,
doesn’t need emptying, but gives him a blower,
when he gets back, with colourful cheeks,
he brews a cuppa, not felt better for weeks.

We mustn’t joke or laugh at his gait,
for we’ll soon be his age, not long to wait,
and if I reach ninety, heaven knows how,
I hope I’m as fit as he is now!

Bienvenue a Baldock!

Posted on May 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday and today the High Street in Baldock has been transformed into a street market that you might see anywhere from Calais to Carcassonne. It is most strange hearing a ‘holiday language’ at home. It’s a great opportunity to relive memories of vaccances past…

There’s a French Market today in Baldock,
selling French bread, olives and cheese!
The accents are definitely not local,
“s’il vous plait” for today replaces please!
The stall holders are all ‘tres jolie’
pleased to be here and polite,
“Bonjour Monsieur – Dame,
Would you like to buy ham?”
Not a single French Onion in sight!
© Le Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Today and every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Wedding Shoes!

Posted on April 28, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There are great pleasures from shopping at a discount store. Not only are you adding to Tesco’s woeful sales results, but you can never know what bargains you are likely to come across, most of which you never knew you wanted! My two and a half-year-old grand-daughter is hooked and even chants “Lidl-Lidl-Lidl” from the back seat during the journey…

According to my grand-daughter these are ‘wedding shoes,’
(Nice and soft, won’t damage the pews!)
Where some may wonder at the riddle,
Few would guess they came from Lidl!
Those who only buy designer shoes,
Would see straight through this little ruse!
However there’s one group who fool you can,
Don’t notice shoes? Must be a man!

Footpaths – A National Treasure

Posted on April 17, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This week while driving around the farm I came across a group of ramblers on one of my grass fields. Rather than acting like Farmer Palmer from the Viz comic (Farmer Palmer says ‘Git Orf My Effin Land!’), I stopped and passed the time of day with them. It is great to share what I see every day…

They’re strolling in the sun across my field,
It’s only grass, won’t lose any yield,
It’s such fun when you share with a crowd,
To see other’s enjoyment makes you so proud.

They’re using my workplace for recreation,
On a series of footpaths that link up the nation,
It’s a very good way, of watching health and your weight,
I’m sure into Britain it helps put the Great!

Dedivated to all those who work behind the scenes to ensure the continuation of this National Treasure.

The Pavement Tables!

Posted on April 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Here in North Hertfordshire summer has arrived early. Yesterday’s temperature reached 24 degrees and Baldockonians are making the most of the sunshine to act like continentals, while some ‘tut-tut’ at this frivolous exhibitionism…

Summer’s here, not far from home,
Pavement tables just like Rome!
Friends have gathered, ignore the traffic,
A wonderful scene, so photographic!
Elder residents have been known to say,
“Wouldn’t have happened in our day!
Do they think it’s an esplanade?
What with all that skin displayed!”
No-one’s had to take a plane,
We’re in Baldock, warmer than Spain!

A Happy Squirrel Moment!

Posted on April 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had the sort of real treat that a squirrel would understand well – I discovered a hidden bar of chocolate I’d forgotten about. Unfortunately once open it evaporated…

There’s one thing,
A chocolate lover knows,
Is where to find,
A fix in Waitrose!

For me there’s only,
One to choose,
It’s rich and milky,
Silky smooth.

However a warning,
In your ear,
Once it’s opened,
It’ll disappear!

So just be warned,
Hide it well,
Or you’ll descend,
Into ‘No-Chocolate-Hell’

The Lie-in!

Posted on March 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I realise it is just plain cruel to talk about weekend lie-ins on a Monday morning. You’re commuting into work, packed into the train like sardines and I remind you of that lazy Sunday morning following the rugby. Foot warming provided by your faithful hound…

Here I lie at the bottom of the bed,
Using your feet to rest my head,
Don’t you dare think of rising soon,
With your post-rugby hangover you look like a baboon!
That presentation due for work tomorrow,
Won’t bring reward only sorrow,
So if I may make a reasonable suggestion,
Call in sick and blame congestion!

Wishing you all a Happy Monday, I hope your day brings joy and happiness. If the boss asks where the presentation is, please don’t blame me, I’m in enough trouble already without your reminder!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Sheep By Proxy!

Posted on March 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This week over one hundred wooly-coated grass-eaters arrived on the farm. They look wonderful in the parkland by the wood. However I am bathing in reflective glory as they aren’t mine! I have no worries about foot rot, fluke worm or bloat, to me they are simply attractive wallpaper! All I need to do is occasionally count them but I never seem to get past thirty before I need a nap…

The very best sheep,
Are those you don’t own,
But graze the grass,
Outside your home!
Their sing-song ‘baas’,
From behind the fence,
Aesthetically pleasing,
Doesn’t cause offence!
A simple wave,
To their Landrovered owner,
“Any problems,
Of course I will phone-yer!”
So I’ve sheep by proxy,
Reflected glory,
Without the work,
Or anything gory!
So if you notice,
I’m carrying a crook,
It’s just because,
Its the seasonal look!
When they leave,
I may just pine,
But with relief,
That they’re not mine!

With thanks to Rob for the wooly wallpaper!