The Journey to Work!

Posted on March 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There was a time when it was forecast that computers would spell the end of commuters! Judging by the daily stampede for the station, the prediction was wrong. Many people I know commute every day into the Capital, many like me walk a few yards to work. Sometimes the different tribes look at each other across the fence…

Packed into the carriage like sardines,
Off to the city they go,
Each commuter an island,
As they rattle too and fro!

Old Bill drives his tractor,
Practicing his craft,
Muttering to himself every day:
“And they thinks I is daft!”

Have a good day, wherever you are and however you got there!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Cardboard – A Sign Of Weakness!

Posted on March 1, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

While filling our recycling bin with all the recyclable detritus of our everyday life, I swore at the volume of cardboard. It was then that I realized that much of it was as direct a result of ‘Grandchild Spoiling’. I must rein myself in…

I wish that I made cardboard,
To package all the toys,
Some would be for girls,
and some would be for boys.
And at the end of the day,
I’d fill my wheely bin,
And see the cardboard used again,
To package everything!

The bin is never big enough,
To hold all I’ve acquired,
So I have to cram it in,
Which makes me very tired!
I have a simple solution,
I’ll practice it next week,
I shall resist the purchase,
(unless I’m feeling weak!)

Feeding The Fire!

Posted on February 17, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I chopped some wood for the farmhouse wood burner. It was neither stressful nor did it carry much sense of achievement. The axe stayed firmly in my imagination along with a woodsman from many years ago…

The woodsman goes into the forest,
Axe slung over his shoulder.
His wife dressed in hessian,
Clutching a babe-in-arms,
Waves from the woodland cottage door,
A wisp of smoke escapes from the chimney.
They are almost out of logs.
He fells the tree with mighty swings of the axe,
By nightfall he wearily carries home an armful of warmth for his family,
Job done.

The woodshed is almost empty,
I fetch the JCB tractor from the barn and attach the log splitter.
The large bucket is attached to the JCB Loadall.
Sections of matured tree trunk are bought into the barn (it’s raining!).
No sweat will be needed here, the machine never grunts!
Within the hour over a ton of logs are in the bucket.
A slight sweat is raised when throwing logs into the woodshed,
Job done.
…Which would you prefer: The pastoral or the modern?

The Hycrack log splitter can be seen in action on Youtube : www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFQMIu63efo

Post Christmas Postures!

Posted on December 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, I sat down in front of traditional Christmas TV fare and looked around. A large bin bag of used wrapping paper lay abandoned in the corner. This bag, which looked like the result of a strike by Venetian dustmen (an unknown dog had ‘marked’ the bag), was all that was left of the pile of under-tree presents. I looked around at the slumbering forms, comatose by turkey, and realized that the percentage of post-celebration vacuum would be in direct proportion to the fun experienced…

A bin bag of scrunched wrapping paper
Abandoned outside the door,
An escapee Brussels Sprout,
By the sink upon the floor!

A platoon of empty bottles,
Standing silent two abreast,
The remains of a full-breasted bird,
A tinfoil blanket is best!

Presents have scattered widely,
From underneath the tree.
Along with their new owners,
Some now back in Battersea!

The echo of raised voices,
Excited chatter filled the hall,
“Hello darling, nice to see!”
(Some didn’t mean to say it at all!)

In the next few weeks from Christmas,
Out will go the trees,
All that will remain of the holidays,
Are some wonderful memories!

© Baldock Bard 2014
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The Christmas Haircut!

Posted on December 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Our neighbour, Laura, a very talented hairdresser (The Loft, Hitchin), arrived yesterday afternoon to do Mrs Bard’s hair. What I didn’t expect were the appearance of ropes, shackles and leg-irons! I was tied to a chair as she bravely attacked my hair! I fought back with Green Coke and Dairylea Dunkers…

The lovely Laura cut my hair,
On her day off, it wasn’t fair,
For her to trim an aged Plunker,
While I was munching a Dairylea Dunker!

Now I never look at my face,
So my hair remains a disgrace,
However she took it all in her stride,
And now I look like a blushing bride!

…Ok! That last bit is a lie, it looks much better than it has done for ages apparently!
Many thanks to Laura, a Snipping Superstar.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Perils of Christmas Chocolate!

Posted on December 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Recently, as I walked around a local store, I felt as if I was being watched. I turned around and there was nobody obviously talking any notice of me. However when I looked on the shelf…

A crowd of large chocolate Santas,
One’s looking down at me,
Please take me home,
Happy we will be!

Take off my wrapping,
Say we’re off to bed,
Then before we climb the stairs,
You’ll bite off my head!

When we reach the landing,
You’ll be down to my knee,
And there’ll be nothing left,
To put on the Christmas tree!

However in the morning,
‘Doctor – I’m not myself,
I ate a chocolate Santa,
I wish it had been an elf!’

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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All Crisp and Even!

Posted on December 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There is something utterly magical about a frosty morning. The frost clings to the trees and drives away the slushy wet mud that is a trademark of damp winter mornings. At this time of year we know that worse is yet to come. However if it were summer every day we’d long for winter…

The frost hangs from the willow tree,
A sparkling ball-gown for all to see,
Glass like ice on the puddles below,
Quickly inside to central heating we go!

A bowlful of soup with crusty warm bread,
Mug of hot chocolate before going to bed!
Pull up the duvet, banish the chill,
Up with the heating it’s freezing still…
…until you are woken by the alarm clock and forced out into a cold, dark and bleak farmyard to load a lorry. Winter is here!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Tractor Girl’s Ultimate Tractor Trip!

Posted on December 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The media have been reporting this week that a Dutch actress is driving a Massey Ferguson tractor to the South Pole. Manon ‘Tractor Girl’ Ossevoort has around 3,000 miles to go on the ultimate tractor-trip. Originally, in 2005 she drove the length of Africa, but missed the boat for Antartica. Since then she has been raising money to complete the journey of 3,000 miles to the South Pole. Her Massey Ferguson tractor is in slightly better shape than our old one at the back of the barn, it is also warmer inside the cab…

The old Massey sits at the back of the barn,
Dreaming of lands far away,
The chance to drive to the end of the world,
Will, alas, not be coming her way!
She dreams of harvest, she dreams of the plough,
She dreams of the farm all day,
One day she dreams of reworking the fields,
Rather than rusting away.

www.smithsonianmag.com carries a very well written article about the remarkable journey of ‘Tractor Girl’ Manon Ossevoort. We wish her the very best of luck.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  
Facebook: Baldock Bard
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Cyber Monday Trials!

Posted on December 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Today is Cyber Monday. Like Boxing Day follows Christmas Day, this apparently follows Black Friday which follows Thanksgiving. What we are giving thanks for here in the UK, I’m not quite sure, maybe it was World Bread Day or similar. I won’t be taking part in Cyber Monday as I am within without. I am like the Yonder Peasant. My plastic ran out yesterday and there is no replacement from the bank…

Following various phone calls,
My wallet has no plastic,
I cannot buy, I cannot live,
My life is not fantastic.
I’ve begged them to send another card,
I’ve been on bended knee,
But the only answer that they had,
Be working days ‘just three!’
So I’ve dusted down the cheque book,
(laugh if you must!)
What do you find in your wallet?
In mine there’s only dust!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Tea Tasting!

Posted on November 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Earlier this week on Sky News Sunrise, a tea taster, resplendent in a special tea-taster’s apron, was talking to Eamonn Holmes. Apparently the tasters tongue is insured for £1m (should give Eamonn something to consider!). According to Master Blender Sebastian Michaelis (who works for Tetley), there are four qualities he looks for in a tea: zing, colour, sparkle and body. Yesterday I shoveled thirty tons of oats, forgetting that twenty years ago it was manageable, but since I’m now well past my prime…

Oh good heavens I ache all over,
Like a MOT-failed Vauxhall Nova!
After shoveling oats I’ve lost my zing
My colour’s wasted, not charming!
I lost my sparkle years ago,
As for my body – you don’t want to know!
All I need to reconstitute me,
Is a revitalising cup of tasty tea!

…or multiple organ/body-part transplants!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

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Category Archives: Lifestyle