The Magic Gloves!

Posted on November 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

In a shop recently, I came across a pair of magic gloves. As they were far too small for me (even though I would have loved a pair of magic gloves), I bought them for my granddaughter. I’m not sure what type of magic is involved I wait to see…

I’ve a pair of magic gloves!
I wear them every day,
On a frosty morning,
Cold hands go away!
I wore them in the playground,
I wore them in the street,
All my friends were envious,
They said my gloves were neat!

…I’ve also got a bright red scarf,
I only wear it for a laugh!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Disgruntled Local

Posted on November 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I parked in an exposed car park just behind a windswept beach in North Norfolk. Being November, the beach was almost deserted. After a walk where the cobwebs were blown far away, I returned to the car park to discover a disgruntled local…

My feathers are ruffled,
My temper is raw,
Where are the chips,
You promised before?

You have a warm coat,
I just have feathers,
Patrolling this car park,
In all sorts of weathers!

I was content
‘Till you took it too far,
Have a nice day,
I’ve pooped on your car!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

We’d All Like to be Invisible!

Posted on November 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever considered invisibility and what you’d do with it? The other day Dolly the horse was being exercised on the lunging rein. I imagined I could hear a man’s laughter echoing from the field…

The Invisible Man went riding,
Only Dolly knew he was there,
He was having a fantastic time,
The wind coursed through his hair!
All was fine in the field,
Until Dolly started to buck,
Nobody saw him unseated,
He wasn’t having much luck!

He was dragged along by the ankle,
Through nettles, thistles and docks,
Thankfully it had been raining,
And the field was devoid of all rocks!
At last the coaching was over,
Dolly went in for her tea,
He was muddied and bloodied all over,
No one could see him but me!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It’s a Dogs Lie!

Posted on November 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Wandering in a local town recently I came across a pair of dogs that had been tied to a lamp-post. They looked happy enough and didn’t voice any complaints until they thought I was out of earshot. Then they started to complain bitterly about their treatment. Since they were tied up outside a shop I didn’t believe a word they were saying…

“He told a lie to Mummy,
“We won’t be going far,”
We’ve only reached the High Street,
Now he’s found a bar!”

“He tied us to this post,
With rain it’s about to hiss,
And all we can smell, you know,
Is other doggies p*ss!”

“When he gets back home,
We’ll drop him in the dirt,
We’ve both saved up some pee,
Which we’ll on the curtains squirt!”

“You didn’t take them to the park,
You lazy selfish man!”
“Their ensuing row will serve him right,
And all will go to plan!”
…..next time he’ll have to take us to the park, or else!

No animals were harmed during the writing of this verse!

Rosie Sitting!

Posted on October 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I are Rosie-sitting for some friends who’ve gone on holiday. The other night I awoke to find her standing on Mrs Bard’s slumbering form re-enacting the famous pose from The Lion King. We have now hidden the dvd remote so we can’t be accused of corrupting one so young…

Rosie the Terrier has come to stay,
While her humans have gone away!
They have gone on an aeroplane,
To an island just off Spain!
She has grabbed a comfy chair,
You can move her if you dare!
When she arrived her eating was slow,
Add two other terriers now watch her go!
She’s not used to country sounds,
An owl hoots, behind the door she bounds!
When asleep you should hear her snore,
She’s a deeper ‘voice’ than a wild boar!
If a stranger comes around,
Rosie barks like an enormous hound!
Come next week when her humans show,
We’ll be real sorry to see her go!

The Band of Comforters!

Posted on October 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

When you were little did you have a toy, blanket or even piece of cloth you couldn’t be without? My granddaughter has a monkey. She is the most precious thing in her world. There are also two reserves, but they fail to make the grade, are immediately identified as being ‘not the one’ and rejected. The ‘Chosen One’ reigns supreme…

I see a monkey swinging from a tree,
She’s a very special monkey, one of three!
Sometimes she hides, just to be bad,
There’s one big panic waiting to be had!
My granddaughter spends her time sucking the tail,
If Monkey were missing then sleep would not prevail!
So in reserve (but not quite the same),
Are the two other monkeys who share her name!
So here’s to all comforters for the job they do,
They’re loved, abused, down trodden, but still love you!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^th
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Farmer’s Idea of ‘An Evening Out!’

Posted on October 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This time of year, when we are busy cultivating on the farm, it is dark by about 7pm. Worried by the threat of bad weather forecast for next week, I decided to put in a few extra hours. Whilst plodding up and down the field my mind wandered and I came up with this verse…

A local farmer, short and stout,
Told his wife, he was spending, the evening out!
“I’ll be back, but it’ll be late,
You could leave some supper on a plate!”
His wife who was neat and uncommonly kind,
Said to him, “I really don’t mind!”
As she knew there was no other distractor,
The ‘Other Woman’ was his tractor!

The Magic Instrument of Calm!

Posted on September 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Whenever we are stressed and things aren’t going our way, we who reside on this island reach for a magic instrument of calm, the kettle! From first thing in the morning to last thing at night, it is our comforter and protector from all that threatens us…

“I’ll stick the kettle on, shall I?”
Is often heard in soaps,
when bad news is the subject,
That’s dashed all faith and hopes.

Thus it is in real life,
When stress comes our way,
Just have a cup of tea,
It’ll magically go away!

You’ve been awake half the night,
Your pillow’s on the floor,
You fancy a cuppa,
So you’ll toss and turn no more!

It may just be an illusion,
When you get that soothing hit,
You seem to be much calmer,
And not so deep in the…!

The Vantage Point!

Posted on September 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

You can always tell grandparents these days, they are the ones in a town during the week with babies and toddlers in tow! This may seem like a negative. In my case it’s a great positive, having a generational gap between possible combatants increases harmony! However the space taken up by car seats is another matter…

There’s a car seat on the back seat,
‘Iso-fixed’ in place,
To not have the safest,
Would be an sheer disgrace!
There are crisps in the lining,
A child’s beaker on the seat,
The dogs are waiting hopefully,
For a discarded treat!
But when the seat is empty,
The grandchild has gone home,
It becomes a vantage point,
To allow dogs eyes to roam!

*Before anyone suggests that the picture was taken whilst I was driving, Mrs Bard was at the wheel and I used the reverse camera on my i-phone to take the picture from the passenger seat!

Good hedges making good neighbours!

Posted on September 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There is an old countryside saying here in the UK: “Good hedges make for good neighbours!” Yesterday I gave a neighbour a hand with trimming his hedge. Luckily we were able to get up close and personal with the cherry-picker cage on our JCB Loadall. After some Health and Safety assessment and advice we tackled the hedge…

“Buzz buzz buzz” goes the hedge trimmer,
as the tall hedge gets thinner and thinner!
Up in the cage to ease the clipping,
safer than a ladder with no chance of slipping.
The neighbour hoisted high above the ground
shouts down: “Look what I have just found!”
Rusty shears had grown into a branch,
Where someone gave up on the final tranche!
As we got further from the floor,
The thicker branches need the chainsaw!
Until most of the hedge was gone you see
And we adjourned inside for tea!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^thWith more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Lifestyle