Busy Diggers!

Posted on July 16, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There has never been a better time to own a digger! Everywhere you look buildings are being torn down to make way for new homes. However nobody seems to have given much thought to where the incomers will work, where their children will learn, or how the services (gas water electricity) will cope with the extra demand. It doesn’t seem to matter so long as the diggers are busy…

Out with the old
In with the new
that old warehouse
is spoiling the view!

We’ll erect a new houses
or a nice block of flats
charge fantastic rents
to foreign ex-pats!

And then in a while
to a different town
start building again
and rip this lot down!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Revolving Lives of Three Fish!

Posted on July 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

A friend has a fish tank. Whenever I visit, my eyes are drawn to the activity in the tank and I wonder what the fish are thinking, if anything. One of them seems to spend much time standing in a small ruin that looks like it was once a stage. The others look on with a sense of incredulity and boredom…

Three goldfish live in a smart fish tank,
Bill and George and ‘Thespian Frank’.
Every day they play on their stage,
Frank plays an actor because of his age!
“Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears!”
He plays Julius Caesar (or so it appears!).
The others look on with that slightly bored look,
They know all the words but have not read the book!
Frank comes to the last word in his Act One,
Bows from the stage and thanks everyone!
As Bill and George shout “Encore”,
They don’t realize they’ve seen it before!
And just in case they may have misheard,
Frank starts again to repeat every word.
And so competes this tale of three topical fish,
You can read it again, (that’s if you wish!)

Cheese Sauce!

Posted on July 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you know someone who has consistent bad luck? Someone who if at all possible ends up on the wrong train, going to the wrong town, on the wrong day? Kevin (name changed to avoid total embarrassment) has these capabilities…

Kevin took books back to the library,
(He likes to read for hours!)
The librarian said: “you should be home instead,
the computer says these aren’t ours!”

He once went to a party in London,
Drink (a lot) did flow,
On the train back, had a snoring attack,
And woke up cold in the depot!

The other day he ate in a café
Due to work he was very flustered!
Instead of cheese sauce, (on a jacket of course)
He had covered the potato in custard!

Happy Friday (Kevin)!

The Perfect Farm for Me!

Posted on June 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I found a very pleasant small farm, and it was on special offer! I was so impressed that I couldn’t resist taking a look around. After a very short while I thought, ‘it’s the perfect farm for me!’…

I’ve found the perfect farm,
It comes in a tin!
The sheep are never out,
They are always in,
The pigs are neither fat,
Nor are they too thin!
One, two three,
It’s the perfect farm for me!

The weather is just right,
The crops always grow,
No sprays or fertilizer,
To muck up the cash flow,
The bank manager’s happy,
to watch profits grow!
One, two three,
It’s the perfect farm for me!

It’s the most perfect farm,
That I’ve ever seen,
On my side of the fence,
The grass is always green,
The only problem,
It is just a dream!
One, two three,
It’s the perfect farm for me!

You too can own the perfect ‘Farm in a tin’, just pop along to an ASPACE store or visit them online. Alternatively you can invest a vast amount of money in a piece of land and watch the worry-lines grow!

Forty-Eight Years Later…!

Posted on June 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Forty-eight years ago I was given a First Day Cover where the General Post Office had over-printed a stamp with ‘England Winners’. This simply altered stamp rather sums up the difference between then and now. In those days footballers earned a wage, it was the greatest honour to represent their country, tackles on the pitch were crunching and it was not unusual for them to run a pub on retirement. Such a far cry from todays touch-and-fall-to-‘win’-a-penalty, media-posing, Wag-posturing, prima-donnas, where even the manager earns over £67,000 a week. So much has changed in nearly fifty years, many things for the better, but some of the changes make you wonder…

Sea lions on their shirts
And they’re coming home,
They should have stayed in Brazil,
By beating the team from Rome!
There’ll be calls to retire the manager,
To a bungalow by the sea,
Where in a wingback chair he can dribble,
No chance of a penalty!
However they’ve one remaining fixture,
Before they board the plane,
Perhaps they can share the aircraft,
With the exiting team from Spain.

…hopefully better luck next time!

Time Alters Relationships!

Posted on June 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s strange how relationships alter with time! You can always tell when a man has a new girlfriend: his beer consumption halves, he is suddenly unavailable for golf, football or the pub and he looks unusually tidy! I suppose the same could be said about the ‘fairer sex’…

An old friend once said to me:
“My girlfriend never farts you see!
If her jeans went up in flames,
It would be the dog she blames!
The only problem I’m aware,
Is when the bloody dog’s not there,
Then the blame is obvious to see,
The culprit at such times is me!”

All can’t be bad in his life,
Because she ended up his wife!

Thirty Days of Heaven (or Hell!)

Posted on June 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Twenty-three English footballers are in Brazil to play in the World Cup. Tomorrow evening the streets will become deserted as many watch them play their first match against Italy. The hopes of a Nation are resting, blah, blah, blah, however…

It’s football, football, football,
Football all the way,
World Cup fever’s here again,
Final: 30 days away!
No other sport will exist,
Some will moan and say,
“Not more ‘effin football,”
How badly can they play!
However things could be different,
If England win (let’s say!),
The Nation will be rejoicing,
And all will shout “Hooray!”
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Pavement Racer!

Posted on June 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was strolling through a town centre when I heard the unmistakable sound of protesting tyres. Pedestrians leapt for their lives as the turbo-charged grandma came into view. Her walker, aerodynamic and sleek was being pushed to the very limit as she sped through the pedestrian centre; here was a pensioner on a mission…

Nan’s a pavement racer,
She races into town,
Her wheels squeal on the corners,
As she takes pedestrians down!

PCSO’s can’t catch her,
Constables have tried,
A traffic warden once said to halt,
Was taken for a ride!

She’s the scourge of Sainsbury’s
And of Tesco too,
Get in her way and she may,
Make mincemeat of you!

The Allotment Holders!

Posted on June 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are currently 330,000 allotments in the United Kingdom. With its roots in Anglo-Saxon times, allotments became widespread during the Nineteenth Century when small plots of land were given over to the labouring poor. Today these small pieces of land are as popular as ever with more people enjoying ‘the Good Life’ and discovering the taste of truly fresh food…

Old Jack wanders down the road at nine,
To hoe his beans tied up with twine.
After the school run his plot-neighbour Sue,
Parks the Volvo she has much to do!
“Know anyone with spare pea sticks?”
While Eric with care some cabbages picks!
Michelle has three rows of early spuds,
Makes a change from dishwashing suds!
They share, they help, they cooperate,
And enjoy fresh veg upon their plate!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
New! – Video from the bootsale 17/5/14!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbIERPYokho
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Furniture Showroom!

Posted on May 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I went to look for a new chair the other day. The showroom was big enough to use as an aircraft hanger and as empty of life as a post-alien abduction in Biggleswade…

There are hundreds of sofas,
And it’s always the sales,
There are enough kitchen tables,
To supply all of Wales.
Enough cushions,
To soften the fall,
But no telephone tables,
To go in the hall!
There are recliners,
relaxers and kitchen chairs,
Sofas sold singularly,
And some sold in pairs!
But after speaking to the salesman,
And losing my voice,
There is one criticism,
Just too much choice!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Lifestyle