Boxing Day (round two by a knockout!)

Posted on December 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m not sure of the modern meaning of ‘Boxing Day’. I’m not even sure of what it represents apart from as a safety cushion between the culinary and alcoholic excess of the day before and the return to reality the day after. It doesn’t really matter what it stands for as to be honest I’m still past caring…

Boxing Day is here at last,
Christmas holidays fading fast,
Wrapping paper in a cardboard box,
What’s under the tree? Kevin’s socks!
Uncle Pete is banged to rights,
Down in Surrey he’s got no lights!
No cold turkey, sprouts or spuds,
He’s surrounded by fast-flowing floods
Uncle Alex after a long walk (bracing),
Snores in front of the TV racing!
Others sit in an electronic haze,
Digital delights on Christmas days!
So here we sit Boxing Day afternoon,
An excess evacuation will be needed soon!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Two Different Styles!

Posted on December 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I’ve had a shock! I looked into the mirror this morning and an old man gawked back! But that is not all: This week I had a Victor Meldrew moment and found myself saying: “in my day it was totally different!” So I’ll soon be Zimmer-bound, completely toothless and able to block a Tesco aisle with my Geri-scooter! But again, that is not all: I was talking to someone much younger about a famous role model and discovered to my horror that we were talking about two different people from different eras who almost share a surname. Don’t worry about me, I’m off to spend my day in a wing-backed chair in front of television I no longer understand or hear…

I was looking through some very old files
When I came across a picture of Nobby Stiles,
Few front teeth and a terrible stare,
Went through footballers as if they weren’t there
Opposing players got their kicks
He played for England in ‘66
Then into management, medals were sold,
To keep his family when he grew old

Harry Styles has his life planned
As part of a successful young boy band
Sold out venues for their managed show
Screaming girls in every row!
With perfect teeth and floppy hair
Even mothers have an open-mouth stare!
No need to worry about pension projection,
He’ll only be travelling in one direction!

Seasonal Shopping on the Global Online High Street!

Posted on December 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We are fast approaching the time when we’ll all play the ‘Blind-tasting Christmas shopping experience’. In other words, very soon the furthest we’ll venture out for gifts is to the fridge to fetch another beer! We’ll sit at home in front of the computer picking presents that are too expensive, sizes that don’t fit, and colours that are truly hideous if held up to the light. However it will save us from ‘those Christmas hits from the past’ that are driving us insane in shopping centres up and down the country! Welcome to the world of the Virtual Seasonal High Street…

Jingle tills! Jingle tills!
Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to have
An Internet store today!

You don’t need the smart building,
There are no rates to pay,
There are no traffic wardens,
Jingle tills all the way!

Non delivery? Blame the driver,
You’ll believe anything I say,
You only have an E-mail address,
No phone complaints today!

When Christmas is over
No refund will we pay
Now we are in Hawaii!
Jingle tills all the way!

Christmas Card Cramp! (due to unaccustomed analogue writing)

Posted on December 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

How many Christmas cards have you sent this year? Has this annual address-fest, where you struggle to remember what Bob and Penelope’s children are called, been successful or another late-post disaster? Have you culled any friends seamlessly from the list? Perhaps you’ve decided to play a festive game of wait and see (if they sent you one!), before you send a return and blame it’s post-Christmas arrival on the privatization of the postal service! All this pondering made me wonder…

I’ve written over thirty Christmas cards
And now I’ve reached a stage
Where the pile doesn’t seem to diminish
It has taken quite an age!
I started at the head of the alphabet
And so far I’m just half way,
I wish it were automated,
Auto-arrive on Christmas day!
I suppose in the future,
They’ll wonder what cards were,
They’ll never suffer stamp-dry-tongue,
Or know the phrase ‘Dear Sir!’
So let’s keep sending Christmas cards,
It’s a festive thing you know,
‘Cos it’ll soon be electronic,
An expensive ‘Face-Twit’ without snow!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

That Monday Morning Feeling (again)!

Posted on December 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Waking up this morning after a busy weekend I was convinced that it was Sunday and that I could ignore the alarm. However somewhere in the depths of my rose-coloured consciousness, sirens were sounding. The old bed magnet was doing its best to counteract this but failing. I resigned myself to the truth and arose from slumber…

Oh dear! Monday is here again,
The weekend’s over what a pain.
I’m sure that somewhere along the line,
Some mad scientist has sped up time.
Over in Switzerland they have an accelerator,
Byproduct of this is an extra Monday-maker!
They slip them in almost at will,
And we end up with Monday-overspill.
So I wish you all a swift Monday,
Remembering that it only lasts for one day!
I hope you all have an enjoyable (and swift) Monday
And that it soon evaporates to become Tuesday!

The Jolly Sailor!

Posted on November 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Each week here in the UK, 26 pubs call time and shut their doors never to reopen. In some areas they become dwellings. Occasionally the name of the new house becomes the sole legacy of its former use. Recently I drove past an abandoned pub, complete with sign swinging on rusty hinges. It was derelict and called the Jolly Sailor…

Salty Sutton was a jolly sailor,
Sailed the Seven Seas,
But the greatest achievement in his life,
Was to down a pint with ease!
One time on leave from a tanker ship,
He returned to his old town,
No one had thought to tell him,
His local had closed down.
He went that night to another pub,
“You bastards!” he did cry,
“I turned my back for just six months,
And you drank my local dry!”
He stormed off to the dockside,
By now he’d had his fill,
And signed on for the nearest ship,
Heading for Brazil.
Nobody’s ever heard,
Of Salty Sutton since,
There’s talk he shares an apartment,
With a Brazillian chap called Vince!
The pub stands quiet and empty,
Still the doors a-shut-un!
Some say it’s due to an evil curse,
Evoked by Sailor Sutton!

Reinforcing Stereotypical Preconceptions!

Posted on November 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s strange that when we travel abroad we search for scenes that suit our preconceptions. Recently I had to travel abroad. I have never been behind the former Iron Curtain and so was not surprised to see a stereotypical image. This justified my preconceptions and I had to take a photo, I think it suited my purposes well…

There’s dereliction in the suburbs,
Was looking for horse and cart!
When I spied an derelict building,
Certainly not a work of art!

The translator was upset,
With my phone I took a shot,
She told me, “not representative,”
A phrase I very soon forgot.

But when I returned to my country,
It was with embarrassment I fear,
That when I looked around about me,
I found those buildings over here!

Stage Coach!

Posted on September 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I watched a gaggle of elderly ladies board a coach. I was expecting a quiet and genteel scene befitting of their advancing years. However when I considered the scene my thoughts went from almost pity to admiration. Here was a group leading the fight against the inevitable wing-backed chair in front of the over-loud television. They were seeing things, doing things and providing a vanguard for the future us…

Ethel along with her sister Flo,
Board a coach and off they go!
Today ‘Castles and Mountains’ it may be,
Tomorrow across the Irish sea!
They always try to book with Stan,
Because they say, “He’s such a nice man!”
When they arrive at the latest attraction,
It comforting to have the same reaction!
“Be back in an hour,” Stan will agree,
There’s time for the gift shop, time for tea.
When full of youth it was a treat,
To rush with your friends to bag the back seat!
Now in ‘Golden Years’, their pace is slow,
Right up front they like to go!
Out come the needles and with a tit, tit, tit,
Aged fingers on auto-knit!
Grand-nephews and nieces with silent oaths,
Unwrap with horror coach-made clothes!

One day soon they’ll be tied to a chair,
There’ll be no time to sit and stare,
They’ll spend their days and entertain,
With stories from the road again!
So neither sad nor sorry be,
The coach keeps them mobile and full of tea!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Local ATM gets the Botox Treatment!

Posted on September 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I visited the foyer of my bank yesterday morning to take out some cash. Facing me was a new machine that had lights, a large screen and an evil stare. I looked around to check that the coast was clear (50 miles away the coast at Southend was bathed in bright sunshine!) and advanced towards the alien-being brandishing my card. Half expecting the late Jeremy Beadle to spring out at me, I pushed my card into the little green mouth. It worked just like the old one! Cash received I turned, looked the security camera and gave its cycloptic eye my best ‘devil-may-care mk1’ shrug. Piece of cake…

There’s a new ATM at the bank,
It’s one of the latest kind,
It has wing-mirrors,
so when it delivers,
You can see who’s lurking behind!

What will it do in the future?
Will it also check our weight?
You’ve gained a pound,
put it on all round,
Your life insurance invalidate!

And when you do your shopping,
Don’t think that you can cheat!
The machine hits back,
you can’t buy crap,
It monitors what you can eat!

So when you next visit the ATM,
Smile and compliments pay,
Because you don’t know,
how far it’ll go,
And get you in trouble some day!

The Bobby Dazzler!

Posted on September 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s not often these days (certainly this far from the Capital) that you see anyone who might be termed ‘dapper’. The ability to dress up with any degree of smartness just to walk down to the town has largely disappeared. However yesterday morning while waiting at the traffic lights, I had to grab my iPhone as I knew you’d never believe what I saw. Dapper is alive, well and living in Baldock…

When driving by the station,
As commuters dash,
To the train for London,
Avoiding puddles that may splash!
I didn’t expect a bowler hat,
Those days have surely gone,
But what a scruffy bunch they are,
Daves and Janes (and Ron!)

Driving back through Baldock,
While waiting at the lights,
I had to grab my smart phone,
To put this all to rights!
There was Mister Dapper,
He even doffed his hat,
It restored my faith in characters,
They’ve not all gone to fat!

His shoes were brightly polished,
His gloves were calf-skin clean,
His overcoat hit just the note,
Was he going to meet the Queen?
Without such characters in the world,
A sadder place for all,
So here’s to Mister Dapper,
An example to us all!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Lifestyle