New Neville, The Trainee Estate Agent!

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DesresAccording to reports in the media, as many as 77,000 new estate agents emerged out of their moulds last year. Some are asking whether this is a sign of the noughty-teens when estate agencies claim the high street from the charity shops. Others are asking if this is the beginning of boom times for purveyors of fine clothing (cheap suits for starter homes, tweed for country properties!). So watch out, an army of Kevins is bearing down on a High Street near you…

Neville is an estate agent,
Mummy is impressed,
He leaves home at 8am,
She makes sure that he’s well dressed!

He meets a couple at a maisonette,
“Ideal first family home,”
The rooms are really quite compact,
No room to swing a gnome!

His next couple view a semi-detached,
With excellent transport links,
Dissection due by the HS2,
“They won’t like that,” he thinks!

After lunch it’s a ‘garden flat’,
Round the corner from the park,
He tries to boast, “it’s as warm as toast!”
When really it’s damp and dark!

The final viewing of the day,
‘A property with real scope’
(it’s derelict, rats to evict),
“Quick or you’ll miss the boat!”

And so it’s home to Mummy,
‘A much sought-after location!’
She’s ‘conveniently located’ with supper plated,
She’s even cooked him bacon!

Thank heavens for estate agents!
While people are poking fun at them, farmers are in the clear!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above


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Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
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What Would the Neighbours say…?

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Car WashIt is strange that in a time of apparent frugality, hand car washes seem to be thriving all over the country. What has happened to us, have we become so lazy that we can no longer spend half an hour with a hose on the driveway come Sunday morning? Or is it something much deeper, a need to impress the neighbours? “Bye darling!” shouts the husband from the front door, “I’m off to get the car washed at the hand-car-wash.” “Alright, Love!” shouts his wife from upstairs where she is busy ironing to supplement their income, “don’t forget to make sure the neighbours know where you’re going!” I know this may seem extreme but unfortunately I suspect it’s not far from the truth for some…

Kevin’s car shines at the car wash,
Must keep it clean,
Must keep it posh!
His important job is enjoyed,
In reality,
Unemployed.

Told neighbours: ‘holiday last week’,
Mother in Hastings,
Not Martinique!
Showed Internet photos from the Carribean,
Along with instant tan,
Believed what they’re seeing!

The neighbours admire their house downstair,
All the bedrooms,
Are empty and bare.
His drinks cupboard has no more space
But the refrigerator
Is an empty place.

To a boot sale he drives miles,
To avoid his neighbours,
Patronising smiles.
Shops at a discount store with his wife,
Uses Waitrose,
Bags for life!

Amongst these tales not one gem,
Worried what others,
Think of them!
Out of his mouth spouts so much tosh,
All conceived,
At the hand car wash!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Matt’s Big Meal Out!

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Place settingYesterday was friend Matt’s birthday and wife Hazel was wondering where to take him for a special treat. In the end she decided to give him the option, leading to a choice nobody expected…

Matt has a birthday,
He has one each year,
I think he’s getting taller,
It’s how it would appear!
Now Matt is a handyman,
No job is too small,
He’s useful for those ‘reaching’ jobs,
Because he is so tall!
Hazel, on his birthday,
Offered him eats and fun,
He turned it down for a burger,
At McDonalds on the A1!

Happy Birthday Matt!
(Matt helps people with their homes in Cambs, Beds and Herts and can be found on 07725 007 454)

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Youth These Days!

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Summer HeatDo you remember when the summers were warmer, the grass was greener and the days were brighter? I bet they weren’t as warm as now! How many of you remember jumping into water to cool down? Global warming is back and you won’t find me complaining (I did enough of that when the days were cold, wet and dreary in June!). I stopped for a cool glass of shandy beside the river yesterday and watched youngsters doing what they have down the ages and it was good to see that no ‘elf and safety busybodies were stopping them. ‘Vivre Le Youth’…

The miserable old man said:
They shouldn’t be allowed to have such fun,
They should be in a gym or out on a run!
It wasn’t at all like that in my day,
Everyone was happy, bright and gay!
The summers were times of sea and sand,
Except for rationing you just did as planned,
I don’t know how the world’s gone down the drain
What they need is discipline and a shower of rain!

The young said nothing,
but continued to have fun
Enjoying being youthful
In the summer sun!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Fluorescent Fred and his One Man Shed!

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Flourescent Fred in his one man shedThere are road works on the A11, Norwich Road, near Thetford. At last someone has seen sense and decided to upgrade the nightmare-road of my childhood holidays! We all love the golden beaches of North Norfolk and the waterways of the Broads, but getting there has always involved holiday-journey-traffic-jam hell! The journey through Thetford Forest was also a perfect excuse to frighten younger siblings with tales of ghouls and goblins, earning a much-contested but well-deserved slap from the front seat! All this, along with driver’s angst, will soon be a distant memory when the road works are completed and the banksman ‘Fluorescent Fred’ has moved on to works anew…

Tango’d up to the nines in fluorescent,
Brighter plumage than a cock-pheasant!
Fred guides trucks and diggers across the road,
Making sure they don’t spill their load!
His one-man shed is dry and shady,
To the heavy plant, he’s a lollipop lady!

Dedicated to all banksmen, the unsung heroes of roadworks, whose vital work goes largely unnoticed by passing motorists. And of course to ‘Fred’ in his unique one-man-shed on the A11 at Elveden near Thetford. If you’re passing, give him a wave or a toot, and show him the love!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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How Not to Steal a Car (in one easy lesson!)

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Stolen CarThe other evening I was walking back through a local town and witnessed two yoofs pushing a car in most suspicious circumstances. Resisting the urge to offer jump leads, spanners or access to my vast experience of break-downs, I took out my camera! The result was a vindication for my keep-fit regime and the head start offered by a low wall. Panting heavily and gasping for breath, I easily merged into a group of pensioners waiting at a bus stop for the 4.21 to Sutton Bridge (which was only four hours late!)…

Broke into the car,
There goes the paint!
We’re nicking a car,
Professionals we ain’t!

We’ll open the window,
With this little hammer,
Then force open the bonnet,
With an old rusty spanner!

My mate will hot-wire it,
Have you met Trev’s?
Then we’ll start the engine,
And give it some revs!

What you done now Trev?
The engine won’t start,
What you mean push it?
That ain’t playing my part!

Here comes a big car,
Perhaps they will help,
“What you mean arrested?”
“Touch me, I’ll yelp!”

“It’s quite comfortable,
Are we going far?
Always wanted a ride,
In a police traffic car!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Gone Fishing!

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Gone Fishing!Yesterday saw the start of the coarse fishing season here in the UK. I freely admit that I haven’t the patience to sit for hour upon hour on a lonely river bank in the hope of getting a nibble. But there are millions of anglers who sit for hours trying to catch a fish while the closest I come to a catch is in the fish and chip shop…

Dave sits on the river bank,
It’s good to be fishing again,
It’s great to get out of the house,
Away from nagging Lorraine!

The last few weeks preparing,
He’s bought new floats and hooks,
His new rod is the best carbon fibre,
He enjoys the envious looks!

He casts across the river,
The rod swishes through the air,
When he reels in he’s disappointed,
Once again there’s nothing there!

He arrives home for supper,
Expecting at least a hot roast,
There’s a note for him on the table,
‘Gone fishing! – Enjoy sardines on toast!’

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Beware the Dangers that Lurk Beneath the Sink!

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cupboard under the sinkWhen I spoke to him yesterday, a friend of mine, Trevor*, was on a dangerous mission. One that even the most hardened member of our Special Forces would refuse. The Prime Minister would have to go down on bended knee to beg and even then a refusal might be forthcoming. Trevor* spent yesterday morning cleaning out the cupboard under the sink… * In true Special-Forces style the name has been changed to protect identity.

They’re forecasting poor profits at Ikea,
Tea-light sales will falter,
My friend’s found hundreds beneath his sink,
And a very small gnome called Walter.

Enough de-icer for the Ice-road Truckers,
As they head off into the snow.
Perhaps they’d like the odd tea light?
To make their truck cabs glow!

Enough flea spray to cover Southend,
(People as well as dogs!)
And firelighters to keep them cosy,
Should they ever run out of logs!

Lorry-loads of bags of dishwasher salt,
To spread on the whole M6!
Should a shortage occur next winter,
That’s a crisis he could fix!

There’s can upon can of Brasso,
To polish a million brass plates,
Solicitors, Accountants and Doctors,
Will soon be besieging his gates!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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When Rufus Wore the Trousers!

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ChewI was buying my dog a chew the other day when I spied one on the supermarket shelf that was shaped like a shoe, complete with laces. I was about to put it in my basket when I remembered the trouble I had keeping my left shoe on my foot (the heel has been chewed by the dog!). There is a designer of dog products out there who has a nasty streak, he’s probably got a cat…

Rufus is a very naughty dog,
He’s chewed the remote control,
His daddy wants to watch the football match,
He’s already missed the goal!
Rufus is sat in state on the couch,
Nobody can sit nearby!
Whenever anyone sits near him,
They get a growl and are given the eye!
He barks in the garden, he barks in the park,
He barks in the car as well!
All can see he controls this house,
His owners are living in Hell!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Eric and Alice Recreate Their Youth with Two Wheels!

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Park CyclingYesterday I watched a retired couple cycle through a local park. Bradley Wiggins and Victoria Pendleton they weren’t, but if this is ‘Legacy from the Games’ I’m all for it! I can only hope that if I reach retirement age (whatever age that’ll be by the time my turn arrives) I can enjoy being as active. I must get down to the gym and try my hand at spinning and follow my friend Alastair’s example (although not the 105 miles London Revolution he cycled the other weekend!)…

Eric and Alice are just retired,
They’ve got an adequate pension,
They think it’s great,
To recreate,
Days further off than they mention!

Back then they courted on two wheels,
In those days few had a car,
On Eric’s racer,
He would chase her!
She would let him catch her (say aaah!).

Last week they bought two new bikes,
They take their time as they can,
They don’t go far,
Before finding a bar,
Alice still being chased by her man!

They like to cycle through the park,
Sometimes they’re similarly attired,
You could say,
As I saw them yesterday,
That they’ve both become re-tyred!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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