The Pavement Pounders!

Posted on May 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The head of a Korean car company was once apparently quoted as saying that ‘those who need a gym after work aren’t working hard enough’. Personally I think that’s unfair to those who work behind a desk. I count myself lucky that I get some exercise during the day, although not as much as I used to, thanks to the demands of an administrative paperwork mountain. So flex those muscles, don those expensive trainers and hit the pavements. I’m afraid you’ll have to go on your own as I’ve got oats to shovel this morning…

Jim and Jan are joggers,
Running around the town,
Pounding the pavements,
Bits bouncing up and down!
At first the cause was dietary,
Then it became a craze,
Now it’s an obsession,
Not just a passing phase!
One day they might need surgery,
One knee perhaps two,
But for now they’re happy,
To jog past me and you!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Bank Holiday Barbecue!

Posted on May 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Almost all of us are blessed with a room crammed full of cooking facilities called a ‘kitchen’. However given a sunny day, with reasonably warm temperatures, we feel this primeval urge to rush outside and attempt to poison the family with undercooked or charred meat, cooked caveman-style. Given the choice I’m certain that homo-erectus would have chosen the fitted B&Q with low level grill, self-cleaning oven and hob…

Dave has lit the barbecue,
He’s also singed his hair!
The family wait hungrily,
For food that’s not quite there!

The girls are picking daisies,
The boys are scoring goals,
Dave’s poor face is reddening,
From blowing glowing coals!

The wives are busy chatting,
Don’t notice all the smoke,
Mick cracks Dave a much-needed beer,
It’s a hard job being a bloke!

An hour later they call the kids,
“Have something now to eat”
Before they have a chance to moan,
ketchup smothers meat!

Later when the light has gone,
The kids are all inside,
Huddled around the failing heat,
Dave’s shlurring hish wordsh with pride!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Student

Posted on May 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I found myself stunned the other day when I saw a student revising in the sunshine. Having just witnessed a group of her peers noisily rushing around the town it came as a shock to see. It is only too easy to adopt a ‘in our day we were different’ attitude, however once the mist clears I seem to remember being part of the rowdy element rather than revising…

She sits in the sun revising,
An unusual sight on the grass,
How much she does will determine,
Whether distinction, credit or pass.
What I wonder awaits her,
In the great wild world out there,
Will she be better off because of revision,
Or rely like so many on welfare?
Will she be saddled by debt for her studies,
And then search in vain for a job,
Forsaken by politics from all parties,
Who concentrate recourses on the yob.

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Exciting News from the Farm!

Posted on May 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have exciting news! Two wild Canada Geese have successfully hatched five chicks. To most farmers this would be as ground-breaking a headline as ‘Jet takes off from Gatwick!’ would be to the national press. But to us it’s historic as it is many years since we’ve had a visiting goose successfully lay eggs, let alone hatch chicks. So I ask for your understanding in our mini-moment of celebration of a small triumph…

A family from far away,
Is staying at the farm,
Lo and behold they’re parents,
No cause for any alarm!
Neither of them claim benefits,
Nor asylum seek,
They aren’t going to end up in the dock,
In front of an aged beak!
We can’t interfere with nature,
We hope the chicks survive,
And all fly away together,
When autumn days arrive!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Bank Holiday Monday!

Posted on May 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s just what the doctor ordered, a rare bank holiday Monday with sunny skies. In the supermarkets, barbecue tongs and sausages are flying off the shelves along with Ice cream and suntan lotion. The bankers have chosen a great day to take a break…

It’s bank holiday Monday,
Only the banks are closed,
The bankers need a rest day,
Only why, nobody knows!

Everything else is open,
You can buy a hat or a coat,
You can even visit a circus,
To watch a performing goat!

To shepherds on the hillside,
It’s another working day,
They’re in the middle of lambing,
They’re working night and day.

It’s chaos on the roadways,
The queues stretch for miles,
Uncle Arthur just won’t stop moaning,
Something to do with his piles!

Spare a thought for those,
Manning the tills no complain,
While those who fuelled the recession,
Have a day off drinking champagne!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Happiness is…!

Posted on April 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you remember a famous advert on TV for a cigar in which a man was shown to be at peace with the world? The tag line was something like: ‘Happiness is a cigar called…!’ (play by Shakespeare, six letters starting with H). Back in those pre-‘everything is bad for you’ days, adverts for pipe tobacco always showed a man luxuriating in tranquil surroundings, sucking on a pipe. Nowadays, unless you are highly stressed, running in your local park for relaxation and hyperventilating over a problem at work, then you are either odd, old fashioned or on drugs. I saw a man in a boat on the river this weekend with his dog. He looked so relaxed he must have been either odd, stoned or contemplating a pipe or cigar…

There’s a man on the river,
who gets my vote,
gently paddling with his collie,
in a little red boat.
If he’s stressed,
it certainly doesn’t show,
he may stop for a pint,
before onward go!

I don’t know what he does,
I don’t know where he goes,
but I’m simply assuming,
around him life just flows.
In years gone by,
he’d sit and consider,
along with his pipe,
as he drifted down the river!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

This is my 400th posting in 419 days, read by over 30,000 visitors.

Thank you to all my readers both new and old for making it worthwhile through your feedback and statistics!. To celebrate this milestone I give you a thought:
“Without people like you, this would be just another rock in space!”
Many thanks and best wishes! B.B.

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Daily Commute!

Posted on April 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I have just come back from a very wet early-morning farmyard. The hens don’t like the rain but the geese and ducks are happy! While outside, it struck me that it’s a good job that we are all different: I thought of dairy farmers, whose daily venture out into the dark and the rain and the muck, isn’t for me. My mind also wandered to those hurrying for the train: I could never see myself working in a city, yet I know some whose whole life revolves around a daily crowded commute (I would say ‘herded like sheep’, but if sheep were crammed that way into a lorry, a prosecution would swiftly follow). So I count my blessings…

A friend travels to London by train every day,
I wouldn’t consider it for treble his pay!
When the train arrives it’s already full,
We couldn’t do it to animals, it’s too cruel!
It’s bad enough that he’s no chance of a seat,
Near four-thousand-pound ticket, his misery’s complete.
It’s my choice to work every Saturday,
He’d not entertain an alarm call that day!
So while I am enjoying meeting new folk,
He’s still dreaming of a commute to the smoke!
So come tomorrow morning, my pleasure not pain,
Except of course, if it’s peeing with rain!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns at 7am this Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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A Fudge Treat!

Posted on April 8, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you sometimes give yourself a little reward when you think you deserve it? On Saturday I felt in need of such a treat. I was well on track with preparations for the first of this season’s car boot sales, I had a day off and the sun was shining. I realize that I can’t take credit for the weather, but it was as good an excuse for sneaking into Sweet Paradise (www.sweetparadise.co.uk) for a reward as I’ve heard…

I went to buy some coffee creams,
Withdrawal symptoms haunted my dreams!
I went to Sweet Paradise, my favourite sweeterie,
They’ve all sorts of delights that so suit-a-me!

Lo and behold! Coffee creams out of stock,
What a surprise, oh no, such a shock!
Instead (in mitigation), I’d tell a judge:
“My next favourite a-plenty, vanilla fudge!”

I’m afraid now my story becomes quite obscene,
I ate a bag full of fudge, my face went green!
“You are so disgusting!” yelled Mrs Bard,
“I think I’ll now call you, the Baldock Lard!”

… but the fudge tasted so good it was a wonderful treat!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  
The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Silent Segue!

Posted on April 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was queuing in the local bank. When a teller became free, the girl standing in front of me didn’t move. I coughed politely with no reaction. Thinking she may be hearing-impaired, I lightly tapped her on the shoulder. She turned, gave me a withering look and advanced towards the vacant window, but not before I’d glimpsed the tell-tale white wires trailing from beneath her hair…

When Ear-bud Erika walks the streets,
Her head is full of crazy beats!
Wherever she goes she never hears,
Because of the music in her ears.
In the bakers nothing was said,
Because she was listening to tracks from Bread!
In the estate agents quiet as a mouse,
She was tuned in to Techno-House!
In the showroom a Bavarian Motor Werke,
Tune was Autobahn by Kraftwerke!
A friend suggested a Pink welly,
She replied “not on your Nelly!”
Down a one way street without correction,
“It’s OK, as only One Direction!”
Someone offered her a glass of Vouvray,
“I’d rather have a glass of Michael Bublé”
Passed an undertakers nothing said,
She was entranced by the Grateful Dead.
On the golf course she was seen
Putting, OK, Cee Lo Green!
At her party her boyfriend took pics,
of her listening to NOW 26!
Through the day folks called her a @$&*
Didn’t hear, thanks to James Blunt!

Picture Notes: I always try to use my own pictures. On this occasion I feared for my health had I attempted to photograph the subject. Therefore I have used ‘The Girl with Pearl Earbud’ by Aaron Jasinski, a wonderful piece of art based on ‘Girl with the Pearl Earring by Johannes Vermeer.

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Dancing Cock Pheasant!

Posted on April 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

All around the farm, cock pheasants are trying their very best to impress a mate. Dressed in their finest plumage, they puff out their feathers in a vain attempt to look larger and more macho than the competition. The poor hens hide themselves away and feign disinterest. All the while secretly laughing at the ridiculous attempts at courtship. It is an area where internet dating has yet to reach…

Strutting through the garden,
Doing his Cocky dance,
Wearing his brightest colours,
Going to advance!

On some poor innocent hen,
All drably dressed in brown,
Won’t be very impressed,
When Mr Cocky comes around!

Ignores his obdurate,
Playing hard to get,
Let him puff and strut,
Won’t become his pet!

He dances up to her,
Shakes off all the dust,
It’s then that she relents:
“Ok if you must!”

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Lifestyle

The Pavement Pounders!

The Bank Holiday Barbecue!

The Student

Exciting News from the Farm!

Bank Holiday Monday!

Happiness is…!

The Daily Commute!

A Fudge Treat!

The Silent Segue!

The Dancing Cock Pheasant!