Category Archives: Lifestyle

The Great Easter Getaway!

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P1090516The Great Easter Getaway has started. What a change from last year when the beaches around the coast were packed with early sun-seekers! This year, even more people are flying off to find those sunny beaches rather than suffer Arctic temperatures at home. Even though plans are a-changing, motoring organisations are still predicting busy roads. So grab your emergency blankets, thermos flasks, snow shovel and prepare for the Great Easter Getaway 2013…

Jayden, Kelsee and the kids,
are queuing up at check-in,
The kids run free,
With ADHD,
Whilst every other word is feckin’.

The Taylor family from Bolton,
Broken down on the M1,
A nice rescue man,
Called ‘Fluorescent Stan’,
Will get them going by one!

Michael and Abi are moving,
They’re moving to Letchworth you see!
We hope no one shakes,
Their box full of snakes,
Or the new neighbours won’t ask them for tea!

Kevin’s new allotment in Baldock,
Is still mostly covered in snow!
It may be too late,
For a good cultivate,
But he’s bound to give it a go!

Stacey is going out shopping,
To Bluewater along with Charmaine!
They will go dine,
Lunch of pasta and wine,
Training for their trip out to Spain!

Mike and Jane are off to a pub quiz
They’re part of the ‘In-quiz-itors’ team!
Questions of sport,
Not really their sort,
To win would be a great dream!

Prakash and Nisha are in their shop,
It’s a working day,
For their success,
Involves some stress,
And much more work than play!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
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Warm Number One!

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Ash Tree DownI once worked on a Cambridgeshire estate. One of my fellow-workers, Derek, used to tell of the warms that you can get whilst logging a tree; One to cut down the tree, one to cord it up into lengths, one to load it onto the trailer, one from stacking it off the trailer back in the estate yard, one to saw up the lengths and one to split the sawn pieces, one when you filled the log shed and one when you took the logs to the fire and finally one from the fire itself! I make that nine warms from one tree! Today we are only on the first…

A giant Ash has fallen to earth,
It must have crashed down, by the size of its girth.
It no longer stands tall and proud,
One on its own, one in a crowd.
The chainsaw buzzes, heard for miles,
Sawing into cords then stacked in piles.
That’s one warm gained from this mighty tree,
Be quite a few more before it warms you and me!
Ash Tree Down 2© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
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It Takes All Sorts of Houses to Make a Street!

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Builders Van Some people think, that just because they (or their other halves) have money, they are somehow better than others. I helped a builder-friend finish a refurbishment job in a fashionable area of London. The ‘Lady of the House’ may be blonde, slim and reasonably attractive, but she’s certainly no lady…

Been working up in London,
Helping a mate called Frank.
I may only be the builder’s mate,
But it’s money in the bank!

I’m what they call ‘The Gofer’
I go-fer this, go-fer that.
Sometimes my job even includes,
Fetching food for the owner’s cat!

Pete the plasterer slaps it on,
His hair, his clothes, his face!
Some gets onto the ceiling,
A miracle in this place!

I’ve got used to carrying cement,
I also carry grout,
If I make a mess on the carpet,
The owner will scream and shout!

She caught me with a camera,
Grabbed it and gave me gyp,
Threw it right through the window,
It landed in the skip!

The Plumber’s name is Stan,
That might just not be true,
He swears at the boss in Polish:
Or he could be swearing at you!

Mrs Hoity-Toity who lives here,
Calls us all “her men!”
With relief Pete says when he’s done,
He won’t see her again!

Frank reckons she’s playing hard to get!
“A right tasty bird!”
I suggested he fed her some millet,
He told me not to be absurd!

I managed to sneak a picture,
On my hidden mobile phone,
Don’t care if the woman sees it,
By now I’m safely at home!

Pete just shrugged in a Pete-like way,
And made my day complete:
Not known for speeches he just said:
“Takes all sorts of houses, to make a street!”
Frank & Stan to Lunch                                               Pete and Stan go for lunch!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
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Analogue Surprises!

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Analogue SurprisesDo you like surprises? It was time for an office clear-up. I had become fed up with the amount of paper cluttering up my desk. Why do companies do it? Do they honestly think that, when money is tight, anybody is going to show loyalty to their products just because they sent a badly-worded, poorly printed, piece of A4 that is personally addressed?  All it does is clutter my desk and give me a reason not to do business with them! While clearing out my office yesterday I came across two historic items from a bygone, analogue age…

I was having a good old clear out
Before an office avalanche!
There was enough waste paper,
To make a recycling branch!

I cleared away the danger zone,
Magazines by the score,
And came across part of the past,
I hadn’t seen before!

An ancient film (undeveloped),
Secrets trapped within.
And an analogue trip-planner of the UK,
Should I consign both to the bin?

The roads have changed immeasurably,
Some aren’t even shown!
And as for the pictures locked in the film,
I can’t possibly leave them unknown!

So watch this space in the future!
For when the pictures return,
If they’re any cringe making or embarrassing,
What secrets within, you might learn!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Dai’s Big Cardiff Match!

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Wales 6 NationsMrs Bard had a great weekend. She is Welsh. For the benefit of my foreign readers, let me explain: To Wales (Cymru), England (Lloegr) is ‘the old Enemy’ and the game of rugby (rygbi) is a religion. Wales has a population less than six percent of its larger neighbour, and a senior rugby playing base roughly one-eighth the size. On Saturday in the Six Nations Rugby Tournament (contested by Wales, England, Ireland, Scotland, France and Italy), Wales annihilated England 30 points to 3, in what was promised to be (by the English-biased BBC commentators), ‘a close encounter’. After the match those same commentators, who had heralded an English victory, were quick to blame the effects of the stadium’s atmosphere, saying that it upset the young England players. Perhaps those young warriors would have been better off visiting one of Wales’ golden beaches, armed with bucket and spade, instead of braving the colosseum. Match day in Cardiff is special. If you ever, ever, are offered the opportunity to watch a match at the Millennium Stadium, sell your Grandmother, give away your kids and head on down to Cardiff…

Dai woke up in Cardiff,
Sat up on the bed,
“I can’t believe we won the match,”
As he clutched his aching head!
He’d set off Saturday morning,
Kissed his wife and kids goodbye,
He’d promised to be home that night,
This time he’d really try!

A pint of Brains slipped down a treat,
His second even better!
His third was spilt down his chest,
There was more beer than sweater!
Pre-match in the Prince of Wales,
With a chap he met called Bevan,
Another couple to steady the nerves,
Took his own score up to seven!

Walking to the stadium,
A sea of red and white,
Not sure if Wales could win the match,
But they’d put up a fight!
Seated in Row F seat 7,
Nestling another pint,
With Tomos from Abergele,
And Ray from Llantrisant.

He stood unsteady for the Anthem,
His voice was strong and sure.
Tears were streaming down his face.
‘Feed me evermore!’
Then silent prayers,
Were whispered all around,
“Please O Lord help beat them,
On this sacred ground!”

A half-time score of 9-3,
Better than dreamed how,
Halfpenny’s boot was magic,
Please Lord, stop it now!
But second half was fantastic,
Two tries crushed their fears,
Had England run away to hide?
Best win for many years!

Dai was over-euphoric,
Coming back from the park,
He thought he’d kissed an Englishman,
But it was awful dark!
A few more pints to celebrate,
Singing with the boys,
On and on into the night,
His voice became just noise!

Sunday morning fine and bright,
And his head was awful sore.
He couldn’t believe where he was:
A bedding superstore!
He told the surprised manager:
“I’m very sorry, see,
I didn’t mean to spend the night,
But we beat them 30-3!”Wecome to Wales

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Hattie Hooker Hat!

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Hattie Hooker 1I always like to buy imaginative gifts (although I don’t often succeed!). In early December I spotted an imaginative Christmas present for Son-in-law Bard. I was searching the trading site Etsy (http://www.etsy.com) when there it was! Unfortunately the rest of the world had the same idea, and despite her best intentions, demand meant that the Hattie Hooker (www.hattiehooker.com), was unable to deliver in time for the festive season. The present arrived last week and Son-in-law Bard seemed well pleased…

I bought Son-in-law Bard a hat,
That I’d seen on line.
It didn’t come for Christmas,
But no, I didn’t whine!
The postman arrived the other day
to deliver an impressive pack
All the way from the USA
I wasn’t sending it back!

So now he looks like a knight of old
At least his ears won’t be getting cold!
Hattie Hooker 2© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Youngest Farmer!

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Youing FarmerTo grandparents, grandchildren are the most beautiful and gifted children on earth (even if they’re not!). Evolution has made sure that only the best talents and traits are passed down through the generations. I know it’s true, ask any grandparent! They will never be slow to point out where the finest attributes come from and will modestly reply “me of course!” So when my granddaughter arrived dressed for the farm the other morning, it was obvious (to me), where such fashion-consciousness stemmed from…

My granddaughter is a farmer,
She wears a farmer’s cap!
She has tractors on her sleep-suit,
Owns a terrier and a cat!
Her daddy drives a tractor,
She waves when he goes by!
If she ever works in an office,
Then maybe pigs might fly!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Child Minding Grandpa!

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Grandad + PramHave you noticed how many of advancing years are out and about pushing prams and walking toddlers? Either there has been a sudden advancement in fertility treatment or financial hardship has made grandparents a cost-effective alternative to employed child-care. However it has been suggested that Google is replacing grandparents; kids now look stuff up online rather than asking their wise old grandpa…

“Grandad, I’m so hungry,
What have I got for tea?”
“I should go ask Google,
Or your mother, don’t ask me!
We’ve already done the shopping,
Been down to the dry cleaners,
A visit to the DIY stores,
To repair your misdemeanors!”

“You know your mother’s ordered me,
You can’t have any sweets.
You’re not allowed to eat those crisps,
Or any unhealthy treats!
She says I’m not to spoil you,
Give in to you at all,
She’s has completely forgotten,
How it was when she was small!”

“I think we got away with it,
Telling her we were home,
When she rang to check on us,
On her mobile phone!
As you’ve been so good,
We’ll buy some sweets to munch,
So long as you don’t tell her,
We went to the pub for lunch!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Gill’s Magic Cake!

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Coffee Cake 1As regular readers will appreciate, I have one very large weakness – food! I seem to be tempted by food everywhere: on the street, in the car, even at the bakery! The other day I went on a shopping session with Mrs Bard and Mrs Rhos-Bardd. I’d hoped we’d do more eating than shopping…

I recently chauffeured Mrs Bard and a friend,
to St Albans for shopping (there was no-end!).
I had no cap but had a hunch,
that I’d be joining them both for lunch!
We ate at a restaurant that was Italian;
it was prime beef, not a hint of a stallion!
Then we continued in the shops
the excitement of shopping never stops!
St AlbansTK Max and baby clothes,
the pile of bags continually grows!
I portered them all to the car,
“Please can you stay just where you are?”
Misheard their reply that I mistook,
ended up browsing in New Look!
New Look 1Didn’t know where to alight my eyes,
the assistants looked with great surprise!
Found my shoppers at last, they both said:
“Why are your cheeks glowing so red?”
New Look 2In the car “I’m ready for tea!”
the answer came: “just wait and see!”
Went to the larder and despair,
cup of tea, no cake there!
Then a sight, my heart did quake,
Gill had sent a coffee cake!
“Oh what an Angel,” I had to shout!
She’d delivered while we’d been out.
Coffee Cake 2Word traveled fast by phone and text,
“They’ve got a cake, we’ll go there next!”
I tried to say it wasn’t fair,
But was told “shut-up and learn to share!”
So the coffee cake (Don’t blame me!)
Is now safely under lock and key!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Trouble with Socks!

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Pair of SocksMrs Bard is always complaining that I wear odd socks. I argue that since nobody can see them it doesn’t matter. In an attempt to reconcile this man-fault I purchased two packs of day-named socks. In a rush to get changed yesterday and with my mind firmly elsewhere I realised I had slipped back into old habits. I don’t seem to be the only sufferer of sock-induced-myopia…

Peter Cox,
Wore odd socks,
His wife was beyond despair!

His son Ben,
Wore them again,
When out with an au-pair!

His sister Boo,
Would steal them too,
And complain they wouldn’t share!

But their dog Spot,
Stopped the rot,
And hid them all sous-terre!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
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