Category Archives: Lifestyle

The Bard’s Dirty Little Secret!

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Days Bakers BaldockHave you a dirty little secret? Not something that harms others or is truly nasty but something that you just wish to keep to yourself! Perhaps you know someone else’s secret? Have you passed it on or are you content to keep it to yourself? There is a world of secrets out there…

I’ve a dirty little secret,
When I go to fetch the bread,
There in Days the Bakers,
A cream donut turns my head!

I am a simple man,
My weakness is well known,
And so I buy the donut,
To eat before I’m home!

They know me at the bakers,
They laugh and always say,
In a conspirital-type whisper:
“Want your usual again today?”
Dirty Little Secret© Baldock Bard 2013

To read the secrets of others try www.postsecret.com the most-read advert-free blog on the internet. Give it a try! (refreshed very Sunday – try it, it’s quite addictive!)

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Wild Swimmers!

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Wild SwimmerHave you ever done something where people questioned your sanity? The other day I watched a group of swimmers leap into a river. It made me feel so cold I put on an extra jumper. Some of them enjoy having a little swim for nearly a mile, then hop on a bike (without even drying their hair – what would my mother have said?) for a further twenty-five miles, then abandon the bike for a six-mile run. Speaking as an expert in the field of sitting and lying down, they have my respect. I think I’ll just watch, thank you for asking…

How about a swim in the river?
A little February surprise!
We could jump in together,
Would it bring tears to your eyes?
There is a group who will do this,
They’re training on a river near you.
I wish them all the very best,
They’re Wild Swimmers, I would be too!

© Baldock Bard 2013

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Ode! To Sell – 5G Next Generation!

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Baby's PhoneI went to a well-known baby-supply shop the other day. They were fresh out of babies but had all the accessories. I was particularly struck by ‘Babies First Mobile’ and the skeptical side of me became boisterous and wouldn’t lie down for a nap…

Roll up! Roll up!
It’s the greatest show on earth,
Get baby a toy phone,
Who knows what she’ll be worth?

Get her used to pressing buttons,
A jolly tune will play,
And very soon a different tune,
Profits will come our way!

Pay as you go or contract,
They both will have a worth,
In the end the bill will make her ill
And we’ll be filled with mirth!

And then we’ll sell baby laptops,
Hear those till-rolls talk,
As they wail another sale,
A tablet before they walk!
Baby's Laptop© Baldock Bard 2013
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Baldock Station

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Baldock StationSometimes I drive through Baldock during the rush hour. At this time I feel nothing but pity for those rushing to or from the station. Thankfully we are all different. I would hate to commute and consider myself extraordinarily lucky that I don’t have to take the train every morning…

Down at the station they rush for the train,
Don’t seem to notice it’s pouring with rain.
Into the carriage with much stamp of feet,
Most of them standing without gaining a seat.
Packed in like cattle (would anger the law,
For cattle must be able to at least see the floor!)
And so it continues with little respite,
Away in the morning and home every night.
And then, oh what bliss, two weeks away,
Crowded on some beach on their holiday!

But oh what joy when I board the train.
The station is empty; their loss is my gain!
I sit in a seat and stretch out my feet,
I wouldn’t do their job for ten thousand a week!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Basra’s Winning Ways!

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Basra BaldockLast March a winning scratch card at Basra’s Store in Clothall Common, Baldock, yielded £50,000. Last week that figure was top-trumped by John and Carol Baxter who won a cool £1m on a EuroMillions raffle draw. The family-run store is getting a reputation for winners…

Baldock’s been in the news again:
Or I should say Basra’s Store?
A winning National Lottery ticket,
Larger than they’ve had before!

Last time it was fifty-thousand,
On a lucky scratch card done.
This time the Euro-millions raffle,
A cool One Million pounds was won!

So if you want to be lucky,
Off to Basra’s you might go,
And then you’ll find you be able to,
Chill your champagne in the snow!
Champagne Cooler© Baldock Bard 2013

For the full story of how a very nice couple have won the lottery:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2262881

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Plane Sailing!

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Luton AirportYesterday morning I took Jamie Drummond to Luton Airport following his stint on the Ocean Elements stand at the London Boat Show (http://www.ocean-elements.com). Jamie is a pro windsurfer (http://www.jamiek787.com) and was on his way back to Malta for more training before the season begins. His long-suffering girlfriend, Jo, will be seeing quite a bit of his back in the weeks to come as he perfects his competition routine. However my simple task was to deliver him to the airport in time for his flight…

I’m taking Jamie to the airport,
Ring, ring, the alarm clock starts to chime!
Four in the morning,
It shouts out a warning,
Must get him to the plane on time!

The road to the airport is quite icy,
The gritters are now gritting ‘till daytime!
I’ve missed the bloody turning,
My passenger’s a-gurning,
Just get him to the plane on time!

He’s flying out to stay in sunny Malta,
There’s no snow there, the weather is just fine!
He’s soon be windsurfing,
His girlfriend he’s deserting,
Will get him to the plane on time!

Luton’s doing better now than Heathrow,
No cancellations, all the planes in line!
Pull into the drop-off,
To the terminal he’ll pop off,
I got him to the plane on time!
Jamie Drummong Luton© Baldock Bard 2013

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The Golf Clubs!

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IMG_1459A friend and his wife have been having a clear out! Amongst the no-longer-needed items was an old set of golf clubs. He took them to his local charity shop where he was asked what his handicap was. Being more of a driving-range thwacker and slicer than a serous club member, but not wishing to sound ignorant, he suggested ‘seven’ thinking it to be average. Apparently this is on the better side of pretty amazing! I couldn’t resist a little ‘poetic licence’…

My friend Mike had a bag of old clubs,
From when he used to play a round.
He was clearing out his garage,
When at the back they were found!

“What shall we do with these, my dear?”
He said to his charming wife.
“I’ve no longer the time or inclination,
To putt, drive, chip or slice!”

“Do what you like with your crappy old clubs!
Just get them out of my sight,
I can’t remember you last using them,
So throwing them out seems right!”

So he took them to the charity shop,
The assistant asked him “Hey!”
He replied when asked of his handicap:
“Everything I do, think or say!”

This is a work of fiction brought about by an innocent remark!
All characters are fictitious and bear no relation to anyone I may have met in the past, present or future. BB.

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Know Your Onions!

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On the fourth Monday in November in Bern, Switzerland, there is an onion market. This is not just a market with onions but a world-renown market with onions. In the evening there are ironic poetry recitals on the events of the past year in local taverns – How apt! It is a diary date that friends of ours cannot miss. Until I started my research (five minutes ago on Google!) I had not appreciated the significance of this massive event to Bern-folk…

Some friends of ours that live in Devon
Have flown to Bern, this week’s onion heaven!
They’ve gone to see the nighttime markets,
Onions and onions, no other food (or carpets!)

There are onions carved to look like castles,
Cars and coaches, Christmas parcels!
Onion people wearing onion socks,
And some that are carved like cuckoo clocks!

People in costume, the squares do roam,
Fight each other with confetti thrown!
In the taverns there’s ironic verse,
With every drink it gets worse!

Our friends by evening are on their knees,
Want a glühwein? Oh yes please!
Back at the hotel after all their wanderings,
The last thing they’ll want are onion rings!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Delights of a Onesie!

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Fashion can be confusing. One minute necklines plunge and arms are bare then, without warning, skirts are up and shorts are down. Some trends receive popular acclaim and some die out without obituary. This season’s surprise hit – the Onesie – a baby garment for ‘grown-ups’. This would be fine if it was confined to the house or the bedroom but it has appeared on our streets worn by ‘man-baby’. According to press reports, the New Look clothes store sold 75,000 of these costumes in September alone. Watch out! They’ll be invading your street any day now…

I saw a man in a baby-grow
What he looked like I didn’t know
If it’s the latest fashion I don’t fancy that
I’d rather be boring than look such a prat!

If you want to look like a ‘Z’ list celebrity
And dress as an infant that’s got to be OK-with-me!
Over the years there have been fashion fails
Borat’s man-kini didn’t enjoy record sales

But if that’s what it takes to get publicity
There can be none better to promote your simplicity!
So if you’ve a boy-band’s promotion to do
Go on, wear a Onesie, it’s bound to suit you!

However there’s an exception to this simple rule
Where there are no ifs or buts
If you’re a girl and want some exposure
Wear a Onecie and your picture’s in ‘Nuts’!
With thanks to http://www.sugarscape.com for background info

© Baldock Bard 2012

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Treasure!

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Yesterday I came across some treasure while having a clear out. Dating from 1965, it was a reminder of a gentler age of innocence. How many of us would like to stop the bus and get off? I then remembered through the swirl of pink-coloured spectacles that I had been too young to have a single memorable memory from those times!

I was up in the attic
Clearing out some boxes
Why do we keep so much?
We hoard like bleedin’ foxes!

I came across some comics
Dated ’65 September
It was a from a different age
One I can’t remember!

Back then there was no internet
Obama was only four
David Cameron hadn’t even been born
And radio came from boats offshore

The Mini was a fashionable car
The Beatles ‘Top of the Pops’
Mini skirts were all the rage
And boutiques replaced clothes shops

The swinging Sixties were in full swing
Strangely enough I don’t remember a thing!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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