City Shopping on a Saturday!

Posted on November 12, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

We had a friend to stay this weekend and we thought it reasonably safe to venture into Cambridge on Saturday for a spot of light shopping and lunch. I proclaimed that as Christmas is over a month away and money is short this year, there would be few shoppers around. Mrs Bard suggested that I book a restaurant for lunch, a move that I wrongly considered to be unnecessary…

We went to Cambridge on Saturday,
From farm to city for the day!
People crowding down the street
From my perspective they looked like sheep!
I’d booked a table at Loch Fyne,
If I hadn’t we’d not dine!
The shops were crowded all day ‘till four,
How did they fit so many in the Apple Store?
By late afternoon we’d had enough,
My arms were drooping with bags of stuff.
Walking back to the car, there was as curse and a ‘ding’,
There are almost more bikes than in Beijing!
So if I may, can I offer some advice?
Going shopping next Saturday? Better think twice!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Consequences!

Posted on November 5, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I woke up in a cold sweat, memories of the night before playing as if constant replay. Questions had no answers: What had I said? What had I done? What would be the consequences of my actions? I was confused…

I woke up this morning
My mouth was desert-dry
My vision was impaired
I did not realise why
I then remembered
The events of the night before
It all became clearer
Why my head was sore

The wine had been good
The whiskey was a malt
And as for the port
A cranial assault
I was helped up the stairs
Or at least I must have been
Apparently my language
Was really quite obscene

At the breakfast table
Silent accusations
Will surely be leading to
Unpleasant recriminations
But all of a sudden
The alarm clock rents the air
I remembered I don’t drink
It was just a bad nightmare!

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The Crumbly Remnant!

Posted on October 31, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I happened to come across the remaining half-slice of my (last-Friday’s) birthday cake. I couldn’t possibly see it go to waste. After all it’ll be 361 days at least until the experience can be repeated…

The birthday cake is finished
The candles have all burnt down
The last half-slice is orphaned
Not enough left to go round

I’d better end its misery
Pop it in my mouth
Savor the very last morsel
My bulk is moving south!

But my little Granddaughter
Her first words said with ease
Pointed towards her gaping mouth
And said to me “CAKE PLEASE!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Twenty-One (Again)!

Posted on October 26, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Today sees me celebrate my 57^th birthday. Quite how I’ve lasted this long, medical science cannot explain. I do have a theory though, regarding cakes and in particular birthday cakes: The more birthday cakes you have, the older you get, therefore cake must be good for you, however…

I’ve always been very fond of cake
The thought sets my taste buds racing
But there’s one cake that I’d rather forget
The kind that today I’m facing!

It reminds me that I’m getting old
An annual pilgrimace I make
It’s got more candles that St Peters in Rome
Another birthday cake!

I have so many blessings
Have no regrets at all
And now I have a granddaughter…
I can’t wait to introduce her to the delights of yummy chocolate cake!
Best wishes to you all from a very elderly Baldock Bard!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Baldock Dragon!

Posted on October 25, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

A man in Baldock owns a dragon! He holds down a managerial position, has a mortgage and a mid-range Ford, yet believes he owns a dragon. It is a sign of our strange times that a perfectly sensible man can be so addicted to an internet gaming site that it has skewed his grip on reality. Must away to work on my virtual farm and feed the unicorns…

A bloke I know has a dragon
A secret from his wife
His workmates all tell him
He’s got to get a life!

He’s had it for a fortnight
It’s the pet he loves the most
It came across the cat
The pussy’s now a roast!

He’s concerned for its welfare
Is careful what it’s eating
He says it will be useful
To power the central heating!

The neighbours are concerned
Their stress levels are complete
They’ve been on to the council
Scorch marks in the street!

He even named it Sandra
(After his wife of course)
Someone went and told her
Now it’s the dragon or divorce!

Thanks to Paul from www.scottcampers.com for the story (give him a VW van and some cash and he’ll convert it to a campervan you’ll want to show the neighbours!).
If you have any unusual friends, hobbies or hang-ups please let me know as I’m always on the look-out for inspirational topics.

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Financial Perambulations!

Posted on October 17, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, as apprentice grandparents, Mrs Bard and I went unaccompanied to the baby section of a large department store. It was a shock. For some reason I had thought that there was a recession and that money was tight. Prams we looked at (I think that’s what they might be called although they bore no resemblance to anything we had when we were producing children) cost £600, £700 and even £950. I came away with a feeling of inadequacy at our £20 purchase at the car boot sale…

The Rolls-Royce of prams was on display,
I thought it looked quite nice.
But had to suddenly look away,
When confronted by the price!
I started to sweat, I was in deep shock,
I really felt unwell.
Other grandparents would probably mock,
And call me mean as well.
So we continued shopping next door,
While the shock subsided.
And I saw the reason some can pay more:
Free cash was being provided!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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The European Discount Experience!

Posted on October 9, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon Mrs Bard and I visited a discount supermarket. Last time we had ventured through the doors we had been after a packet of French steak haché and had been most disappointed to find it had flown off the shelves. This time we entered with no pre-requests and were luckier…

We went on a visit to a discount store,
Why had we never been to this one before?
Aisles full of goodies you never knew,
You needed so badly at prices untrue!
Things for the kitchen, stuff for the car,
A workshop compressor next to sports bra!
Amongst strange names from a faraway land,
Something familiar – an everyday brand!
Goods that you last saw on holiday abroad,
This time in pounds sterling at a price to afford.
New ways of eating beetroot, well fancy that?
Some strange looking tins – Oh! It’s food for the cat!
You start to question how can this be?
You’ve bought German sausage for just 50p.
You’ve heard that their whisky from Scotland is crackin’,
So into the trolley goes a bottle of Ben Bracken!
When you get home and unload the car,
You wonder was it worth it? Has it gone too far?
Then you wonder if you’ve been cyclopean?
Thanks to Aldi and Lidl you’re truly European!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Cottage Back Door!

Posted on September 6, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Staying with our friend in a cottage in Llanfachreth, North Wales, we went to look at a cottage he’d seen for sale. It looked too good to be true, and unfortunately it was. Everything that was good was immediately followed with a ‘but’ (there is a patio area overlooking the river, but it’s also the only place to park a car – one false move and car becomes boat!). It was also a beautiful sunny day, rose-coloured spectacles to the fore…

I’d love a cottage
A little Welsh cottage
With a river running right by the back door
And if I had that cottage
That little Welsh stone cottage
I’d be fishing with my rod from the back door

We looked at a cottage
A little Welsh cottage
Where the river flowed right by the back door
The price was bargain basement
I looked on with amazement
As the river flowed right by the same back door

I talked to some neighbours
Some very Welsh neighbours
They told me all about that very same back door
In winter it rains and snows
Flooding down the lane it flows
Through the front and out the same back door!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this Saturday at 7am! 
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Grandad – What’s a Bookcase?

Posted on August 30, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday Mrs Bard and I helped Son-in-law and Daughter Bard move furniture. John and I struggled to move a large piece of furniture, the placement of which was proving to be a challenge. Having moved it for the last time we suddenly realized that the purpose of a bookcase/CD rack would be lost on future generations due to two pieces of technology…

Where would I be without my Kindle?
It carries far more books than I could,
I can take them all out to the grain store,
And if I wanted to, out to the wood!
Just under two hundred titles,
From travel to classics and more,
It’s almost too easy to buy them,
No bookcase is needed to store!

Where would I be without my i-phone?
My CD collection is there.
From Dance to Trance and Big Bands,
And even the soundtrack from ‘Hair’!
It would take 5.2 days to listen,
Without repeating a track,
Discs no more clutter the sideboard,
No need for a tall CD rack!

Grandchild Bard in the year 2040,
Finds a wooden rack in a shed,
It looks like it once was for storage,
But its use leads to scratching of head!
It was said you could tell someone’s intellect,
If their bookcase dwarfed their TV,
I’ve embraced the new way of doing,
There doesn’t seem much hope for me!

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday morning at 7am! 
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Perfect Summer Evening – at last!

Posted on July 22, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The Gulf Stream has finally shifted North! Up and down the country winter coats are being put away and shorts are resurrected. Looks like a sausage shortage could be next…

We’ve had to wait until the 21^st of July
To sit outside under a summer sky
Found garden chairs at the rear of the shed
Under an old car tyre and a rat that was dead
The neighbours joined us for a drink
Exposing flesh most of it pink
None of us could quite remember
This warm an evening – was it November?
I hardly drink so it was quite ironic
When I celebrated with a Gin and Tonic
We might be rash this evening it’s true
And attempt to find the barbecue!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
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BootLine: 07852 707 074
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Baldock Bard

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