Category Archives: Lifestyle

Mum’s Exclusive Taxi!

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Some months ago a friend asked ‘If I could be given any car in the world what would I choose?’ Apparently he had always yearned for a Mustang! I had more boring yearnings, a Tesla! As I was driving through a local town last week I spotted one dropping kids off at school…

Tessa drives a Tesla,
to take the kids to school,
glides up to the pavement,
Thinks “Wow! This car is cool!”

The gull-wing doors rise open.
out the children climb,
as if they’re both time-travellers,
to arrive at school on time.

Dad works in the City,
he goes up to town by train,
by the time that he gets home at night,
the kids are asleep again.

Tessa does a lot of driving,
she thinks her life is cruel,
she does so many miles each week,
she’s grateful there’s no fuel.

On Fridays Suzy has ballet,
Colin plays in a Junior Band,
she’s the only mum whose ‘taxi’,
cost over a hundred grand!

On second thoughts I’ll stick with what I’ve got as knowing my luck I’d be the first person to be stuck on the side of the motorway with a truly ‘Flat Battery!’ Whatever you drive, do it safely today and always. BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
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On Dover Beach 2018

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Sometimes I get to read poetry written by proper poets. Observing the depth and meaning of their writing, I feel as if I’m standing staring at a puddle when an unseen ocean laps the shore in front of me. The other day I read ‘Dover Beach’ published in 1867 by famous poet Mathew Arnold (1822-1888) As I was in East Kent at the end of last week, I decided to look up Dover Beach for myself and see what I’d make of it…

Of Dover Beach there was no sign,
nothing poetic, nothing to rhyme.

A vast expanse of modern concrete,
wind-blown sea-spray as cold as sleet.
In the distance cross-channel ferries,
jostle for position like adversaries,
shuttling off to Northern France,
choreographed as a giant’s first dance.

On Calais beach looking out to sea,
two dark eyes stare back at me,
across from France asylum’s waiting,
so near but far and so frustrating,
her child was drowned in the Aegean Sea,
through a fog of tears she can’t see me.

I was disappointed by Dover Beach,
that so many give their all to reach,
instead of saying “What the f**k”
perhaps I should just count my luck.

If only I had thought and tried,
I should have known it was high tide!

Obviously written with apologies to Matthew Arnold© Baldock Bard 2018
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Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Orbiting Tesla

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I have a sneaking regard for Elon Musk. Not only does he produce one of the worlds most-wanted and ground-breaking range of cars and space rockets, but he has the genius of putting the two together and creating one of the greatest-ever publicity stunts…

I took my Tesla to the stores,
in the car park feeling aloof,
the throttle stuck,
I shouted “F***!”
as I flew right off the roof!

I found myself up in orbit,
floating gently, in space (all alone),
“this is Major Tom!”
‘That Song’ on and on,
as I passed by I waved to home.

The conspiracy theorists on earth,
say I’m really not here,
I’m in my car,
rather be in a bar,
with down-to-earth friends and a beer!

*picture thanks to SpaceX and media outlets worldwide.
© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Farmers Gone Green!

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The other day a visitor to the farm looked at the large heap of used one-ton fertilizer bags in the shed and asked whether I had a very large dustbin! I explained that once a year those nice people from re-cycling firm Kelshall Plastics come to take them away…

Many years ago
in the days when
‘Going Green’
meant going to look at crops,
we’d go fertilizer spreading,
with 50kg bags
which we loaded by hand
into the spreader.
As for getting rid of the bags
we were armed with a disposal system:
It fitted neatly in a pocket,
and was called a box of matches.
In later years
when the bags
became much larger
we used a JCB Loadall
to lift the bags
and matches were banned
as we were now
“Gone Green!’
So once a year,
we load the bags onto a truck
and off they go
to be recycled
into something more useful
than a small bonfire
at the side of the field.
© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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January ‘Flu!

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For some days now, along apparently with a cast of many thousands, I am responsible for putting the NHS under ‘intolerable strain’. Quite how certain sections of the media can say this when the NHS hasn’t been notified of my ailment, I’m not sure. Perhaps they are supposed to know through magical ways or the bugs in my system are reporting back!

I’ve had this bad affliction,
for a number of days,
my nose has run the marathon,
in a thousand ways!

With a throat that feels like sandpaper,
along with a ticklish cough,
too week to even consider,
that I could work it off!

I know if I were female,
with so much I should do,
I’d have no excuse at all,
wouldn’t get this ‘Old Man-Flu’!

If you too are suffering you have my utmost sympathy. Hope you’re back on full power soon!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Limited Edition Beer!

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I had spent quite some time in the beer aisle looking for my favourite tipple. Just as I was about to make myself look an idiot in front of an assistant, I spotted the camouflaged packs of cans announcing ‘Limited Edition!’ How stupid of me not to realise that a limited edition should lead to an immediate must-have! Imagine my ‘Fools disappointment’ when what was poured into the glass proved to be exactly the same as from a non-limited edition can…

The can has a lobster on a white background,
a limited edition on the shelf can be found,
open the can and you’ve broken the spell,
”That’s not going to be thrown into recycling as well?”
I lifted the glass to my thirsty lips,
savoured the nectar white-moustached dips!
Very soon the beer was gone away,
getting more limited edition every day!

Cheer’s! A little of what you fancy does you no harm!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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The Artist’s Gallery!

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Whenever you walk into someones house for the first time, you can almost always tell if they have small children or grandchildren from the artwork displayed in the kitchen. Secondly you can roughly guess the age by the quality and assortment displayed. I’ve always thought it is a vital part of parenting and natural support for a child, although is possibly frowned upon in this modern age of Nanny-State demanding that ‘Everyone’s a Winner!’ Our kitchen has hosted exhibitions down the ages…

Most famous artists,
from whatever ‘school’,
held their first exhibitions,
on a kitchen wall.
Whether England, Holland,
The States or France,
supported by parents,
or uncles or aunts.
And some progressed,
to a better thing,
glorious landscapes,
even Campbell’s soup tin!
On our wall,
(as we oughta!),
artistic progress,
from our granddaughter!

…and I’m keeping them, you never know!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com


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No Longer Horses!

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There is a trend these days for people to convert anything to living accommodation, including sheds and outhouses and anything that moves. There is a also a growing trend to live ‘off-grid’ ignoring modern conveniences we take for granted. Recently I saw a great example of this trend and liked the owners sense of humour and nod to a previous use…

This lorry carried horses,
but it does no more,
it is someones home,
their roof and their floor.
Inside it is luxurious,
with all the ‘mods and cons’
no longer carting equines,
now a human’s environs!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Zero-Emission Hedgetrimmer!

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I love new technology and am fond of toys! Since I became involved in drones I have been amazed at the development of battery power. Many say I’m a sad-o for lusting after a Tesla car, but with more than a little sense of surprise I realised that I have slowly become green. This is a great shock to friends who saw me as a V8 farmer with dreams of twin-turbo’s feeding vast exhausts. The next step will have to be solar/wind-power to charge all my purchases…

A large long box was delivered yesterday,
an early Christmas present fell off Santa’s sleigh!
Not a chainsaw or even a new strimmer,
but a zero emissions battery-powered trimmer.
I opened the box excited almost had to shout,
dashed out of the house to try the hedge-cutter out!
My trimmed topiary will be the neatest you have seen,
locals will also comment “There goes Farmer Green!”

Have a great day and make sure your batteries are fully charged for a wonderful week ahead!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Friday Wine Glass!

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Mrs Bard and I went to the wholesalers in Watford this week. You never know just what you’ll see for sale and there is always at least one surprise item. On display this visit was the biggest wine glass I’ve ever seen. I guess it would have held somewhere in the region of five bottles of wine. However in this puritanical, liberal and do-gooder age we live in, there had to be a spoilsport sign: ‘For Decorative Purposes Only’, as if anyone would be so silly…

I collapsed in the chair on Friday eve,
what a bitch of a week you wouldn’t believe,
sweeping beans had left me knackered,
and what with the News, I was shattered.
Then I thought ‘I need some wine’
restorative elixir for Friday-eve time.
Fetched the ‘large glass’ tall and wide
and filled it from the tanker outside!

Have a great Friday, remember to drink responsibly.
The weekend is almost here – HURRAH!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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