Category Archives: Local Interest

Frank The Purple Dinosaur’s Valentine!

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Frank PDToday is St Valentine’s Day. Millions of people around the world will buy flowers, chocolates and champagne in the hope of attracting love. Sometimes love needs a bit of help, especially if you are a purple dinosaur…

Frank the Purple Dinosaur,
Thought it most unfair,
That he had purple skin,
Wasn’t getting anywhere!
Every Friday,
Come wind or rain or hail,
He took the bus to Baldock,
In love he’d always fail.

But today he’s been rewarded,
A card through his door at eight,
From Betty the Pink Plegasaurus,
Could they have a date?
She’s been looking at his profile,
She likes his manly chest,
When you’re a purple dinosaur,
Computer dating’s best!

With thanks to my two-year-old granddaughter for her help in painting the picture of Frank the Purple Dinosaur!
Wishing you all a very Happy Valentines Day!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Parking with a Toddler!

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Parent&ChildHave you experienced a miracle, worthy of Lourdes, where a driver parks his car in a disabled bay and walks unaided to the supermarket? Since I’ve been helping mind my two-year old grand-daughter I have met his irritating step-brother: the childless user of the parent and child parking bay…

Wrestling a toddler from a car seat,
Is a task that needs space to make it complete!
You undo the straps and remove from her shoulder,
Then she goes limp, felexibilty of a boulder!
You discover the next door car is too close,
And try to pull the child through a space made for post!
Finally the child is standing by the car,
Your hand has been jammed, later a scar?
Then you notice the toddler parking spaces,
Are full of the childless of all sizes and races!
They’ve done something bad, they’ve made you so wild,
They’ve parked in a space marked ‘Parent and Child’

Dedicated to anyone who has attempted to park in a normal-sized space with an angry toddler on board. May a dedicated space be yours, always!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Och Aye! It’s Lidl

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Kilt 1One of the great joys of shopping in Aldi or Lidl is the unexpected items you come across. The other day in Lidl, Mrs Bard and I came across some items of clothing from another country. Burns Night was a week ago, but who knows what goes on in Letchworth amongst the Scottish émigrés…

There are kilts for sale in Lidl,
(only four remain),
alongside an electric rice kettle,
and stuff to get rid of a stain!
There’s Scotch near the checkout,
and porridge in the aisle,
in fact enough to satisfy,
the choosiest Scottish exile!Kilt 2With apologies to anyone from ‘beyond the wall’ (Hadrian’s), I wish you a belated Happy Burns Night! (so does Lidl!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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A ‘Bridal’ Lunch in Ireland!

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Ireland BedsMrs Bard and I went shopping yesterday to the up and coming metropolis of Biggleswade! Mrs Bard had mislaid her wedding ring. Having not bought the original I offered to buy her a new one to tide her over until her family heirloom resurfaced from its safe hiding place. Finding just the thing in the exclusive part of a catalogue store, I thought I’d better celebrate the event by taking her out to lunch! So we drove to Ireland and had a wonderful meal before driving home…

There’s a new wedding ring, on my wife’s finger today,
(Nearly 36 years, since I last said ‘Oh Yeah!’)
The assistant looked up, there were tears in her eyes,
“Not many marry here, it’s quite a surprise!”
There was no vicar, no friends in a pew,
And I quite forgot, to say ‘Yes I do!’
Out came the bank card, into the machine,
And she was my wife again, or was it a dream?
Mini-moon in Ireland, (to sate hunger and thirst!),
Ate three whole courses, thought my trousers would burst!
And then back to Baldock, the day trip was over,
I lit the fire and my bride snoozed on the sofa!

With thanks to the staff at the Black Horse, Ireland, Nr Shefford, Bedfordshire, for a truly superb lunch.
Why don’t you try something different by going to Ireland for lunch or dinner sometime?
www.blackhorseireland.com
Blackhorseireland pud© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Fetching the Non-delivered Delivery!

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ParcelHave you ever had an earth-shattering moment when something upsets you to the Nth degree? I suspect we have all encountered poor service that has made us see red. However I wonder how many of you have been left wondering what all the fuss was about the next morning…

Tracking on the parcel,
Said “It will arrive today,”
I couldn’t quite believe it
So quietly said ‘Houray!’
I tried again at 4pm
I spoke to a call centre
“I can confirm delivery,
Today we will present’er!”

By a quarter to five,
I was rather less certain, 
“Where is my parcel?”
“In the van behind the curtain!”
At a quarter past seven,
I was waiting by the road,
“Will now be out on Monday,
Driver couldn’t find your road!”

However on Saturday morning,
My temper had gone away,
I drove to a Luton depot,
And took my lost parcel right away. 
So if you find you’re angry, 
It’s less important than you think,
You wont give a damn about UPS,
Being worse than CityLink!

A note for my foreign readers: CityLink went out of business on Christmas Day. UPS has over a thousand complaints on the Internet. If there were an alternative and reliable delivery service then UPS would be consigned to history too. 

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above



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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Printer Doctor of Letchworth!

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My Laser PrintMy trusty laser printer suddenly started to chew up paper before completely jamming up. Being from the ‘Throw-It-Away-Generation’ I started looking for a new printer. Then I thought about the £110 cartridge that I’d only just installed, added that to the ‘bargain prices’ and thought again! I looked online for a printer repairer and Iain from solutionshq.co.uk came into my printer’s life…

I took my printer to the printer doctor,
It was poorly and feeling unwell,
It was unable to digest the paper,
And had paper constipation as well.

I got an appointment in minutes,
Left her in overnight,
By this morning she was feeling much better,
Whirring and printing just right!

So here’s to Iain the printer doctor,
Thanks for the magic performed,
I hope I don’t need to see you shortly,
Because my printing is now perfectly formed!

With many thanks to Iain (http://www.solutionshq.co.uk) for laying his magic fingers onto my HP and making it better! (The problem was traced to a grape stalk that my granddaughter had inserted thinking the printer was a bin!).  

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above



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Twitter: @baldockbard

E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk



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How Much is the Fishy…!

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FishyJust before New Year I was shopping with my 2yo granddaughter. Something caught her eye and as usual I was in trouble for being slow to respond! As an ‘Inlander’ my knowledge of fish is less than my understanding of the ancient tribe of nomads that used to wander the ‘Great Plains of Baldock’. So I answered by making up “The Fishy Song”. At this point she rolled her eyes to the ceiling and muttered something about my obvious silliness. Sung to the tune of ‘How much is that doggy in the window!’…

How much is that fishy on the counter?
The one that is sitting on ice!
I’m hungry and I want it for supper,
That fishy on my plate would look nice!

Wishing you and yours a very Happy New Year 2015

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above



Facebook: Baldock Bard

Twitter: @baldockbard

E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk



The Baldock Boot Sale 
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Christmas Haircut!

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The Christmas HaircutOur neighbour, Laura, a very talented hairdresser (The Loft, Hitchin), arrived yesterday afternoon to do Mrs Bard’s hair. What I didn’t expect were the appearance of ropes, shackles and leg-irons! I was tied to a chair as she bravely attacked my hair! I fought back with Green Coke and Dairylea Dunkers…

The lovely Laura cut my hair,
On her day off, it wasn’t fair,
For her to trim an aged Plunker,
While I was munching a Dairylea Dunker!

Now I never look at my face,
So my hair remains a disgrace,
However she took it all in her stride,
And now I look like a blushing bride!

…Ok! That last bit is a lie, it looks much better than it has done for ages apparently!
Many thanks to Laura, a Snipping Superstar.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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No Berries this Christmas!

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One BerryYesterday I went out to get some holly in from the garden to decorate. In November the trees had been thick with berries, I’d looked at them and thought ‘will I or won’t I?’ In the end I decided against. As with many decisions I seem to make, I chose the wrong answer, so that when I went to collect holly a month later I could only count two berries on the five trees! Looks like I may have to resort to a little cheating with my grand-daughter’s Playdough…

There are no berries on the trees this year,
They are naked of colour so I fear,
I should have picked when the berries appeared,
But I didn’t and so they all disappeared.
However at least some good came from their presence,
They fed the birds, some dropped for pheasants!
So this year the holly is devoid of berries,
May have to substitute with a bunch of cherries!
So I’m off to deck the halls,
Any complaints I’ll just say “B*lls!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Cornelius and The Hat!

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The HatYesterday in a local supermarket I bumped into a young man wearing what looked like a chicken on his head! He displayed that ‘devil may care’ sangfroid of someone I used to know many years ago…

Cornelius Smith (known as Max!),
Owned a selection of rather strange hats.
His most bizarre it must be said,
Was like a turkey perched on his head.
When unshaved, red-faced and puffing,
His face resembled the turkey’s stuffing!
Full of fun, jokes and facts,
That’s why everyone called him Max!

Happy Christmas Shopping Everyone!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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