The Future Face of Costume Drama!

Posted on December 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The spectacle of an epic costume drama on our screens is under threat. So prevalent are regulations, that in future all such productions will require all actors to wear fluorescent costumes and safety considerations will far outweigh any dramatic content…

The Downton of the future,
Will be the safest costume drama,
As all the staff,
Not allowed to laugh,
A fluorescent panorama!

‘Elf and Safety rules the set,
The producer’s bound in chains,
They have to cut,
The set to shut,
If it ever rains!

The lady of the house,
Has shown the crew her drawers,
She says, “Well,”
“This shoot is hell,”
Because of polished floors!

The gardeners in reflective gear,
Have ruined the latest scene,
You can see,
Behind a tree,
Them waiting for the Queen!

Jenkins the Butler wears armbands,
He never learnt to swim,
There’s a lake,
In tomorrows take,
Drowning chances slim!

A Rolls Royce pulls up outside,
A lord has come for tea,
It can’t be hot,
Not in the plot,
It tastes just like cold pee!

The director’s had a breakdown,
Face is pale and pasty,
In a darkened room,
Like the womb,
Because of Health and Safety!

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Encompass Ride to My Rescue! (Never fear the cavalry’s here!)

Posted on November 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

In life there are times to compromise and there are times to bite the bullet. It is a well-known fact that over 75% of creative people use, or would like to use, an Apple product of some description. This small offering has been conceived on an iPhone and then birthed on a MacBook Pro. However when misfortune strikes a Mac you have to look further than your neighbour’s spotty teenage son. Often you’ll find he has not enough knowledge to be useful, but just enough to destroy a PC! I am very lucky to have a group of Macxperts just two miles away…

I had a little MacBook,
Nothing would compare,
But a silver iMac,
Or a MacBook Air!

I used it for the boot sales,
I used it for the farm,
I used it for this daily blog
Was just like my right arm!

One day it was working,
The next day it was not,
It had fallen on the floor,
Didn’t survive the four foot drop!

The next door neighbour’s son,
Wouldn’t be going to touch it,
He’d had a go at their PC,
And dropped them in the sh*t!

So I went along to Encompass,
Macxperts, you know,
They configured me a new machine,
Now I find I’m systems ‘Go!’

Encompass can be found at http://encompassuk.com
or at Unit 1, Weston Barns, Weston, Herts, SG4 7AX
Take it from me, they’re great at all things Mac and more!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

History Replanted!

Posted on November 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

This weekend saw the 50th anniversary of the assassination of President John F Kennedy. Of particular note was the minute by minute following of the action by BBC Radio 2. However some places seemed to have scrubbed history some time ago…

Where was I when JFK was shot?
I really cannot remember,
All I know from those years ago,
I was eight and it was November!

They dedicated a garden,
In the centre of Letchworth town,
A change of mind at Millenium,
Saw the garden turn all brown!

So now it’s Millenium Garden,
Replaced the Kennedy name,
It’s not bad, just rather sad,
The town’s just not the same.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Naked Weeping Willow!

Posted on November 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Recent high winds have changed the landscape in many places where trees have fallen. On the farm we have been mostly lucky and have suffered few losses. However it has heightened our awareness of the danger posed by some tall trees. Recently we have taken remedial action, not just to save a tall and imposing tree, but also to protect buildings and possibly life too. The willow will recover quickly as it is a very fast growing species…

If our willow had hands,
It would be covering its privates,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had legs,
It would be running away,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had hair,
Its head would be chilly,
Like a man caught naked!

If our willow had a mouth,
It would be screaming for clothes,
Like a man caught naked!

But all it does is weep,
…Like a man caught naked!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Jolly Sailor!

Posted on November 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Each week here in the UK, 26 pubs call time and shut their doors never to reopen. In some areas they become dwellings. Occasionally the name of the new house becomes the sole legacy of its former use. Recently I drove past an abandoned pub, complete with sign swinging on rusty hinges. It was derelict and called the Jolly Sailor…

Salty Sutton was a jolly sailor,
Sailed the Seven Seas,
But the greatest achievement in his life,
Was to down a pint with ease!
One time on leave from a tanker ship,
He returned to his old town,
No one had thought to tell him,
His local had closed down.
He went that night to another pub,
“You bastards!” he did cry,
“I turned my back for just six months,
And you drank my local dry!”
He stormed off to the dockside,
By now he’d had his fill,
And signed on for the nearest ship,
Heading for Brazil.
Nobody’s ever heard,
Of Salty Sutton since,
There’s talk he shares an apartment,
With a Brazillian chap called Vince!
The pub stands quiet and empty,
Still the doors a-shut-un!
Some say it’s due to an evil curse,
Evoked by Sailor Sutton!

We Shall Remember Them…

Posted on November 8, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I farm next to a tiny village near Baldock. During the First World War a car arrived in the village (a very rare ocurrence in those days). An army officer stood in the back and told the assembled throng of young men, “Follow me to Weston” (the next village). Four of those who followed that car from our village never returned and you can see their names on the memorial to those who have no known grave at Theipval…
On the war memorial in the tiny church at Clothall…
And in our farm’s wages book from 1914…
We Shall Remember Them

I See No Zulus Sarge!

Posted on November 8, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s the time of year when ‘Hindsight-experts’ crawl out of the woodwork to examine the past from the safety of their peacetime armchairs. Recently a shop window display caught my eye. It seemed to be straight out of the 1964 film ‘Zulu’ and cut a rather sad and lonely figure in these strange and uncertain times…

“I see no Zulus, Sarge!
Are they out beyond that ridge?
I’m stuck here in this window,
Colder than a fridge!”

“My helmet’s not for sale,
My jacket is all dusty,
The sun has baked my ruddy face,
And my bayonet’s gone rusty!”

“I’m spending all my days,
Staring at the rain,
They promised that I’d meet,
A younger Michael Caine!”

“I see no Zulus, Sarge!
And I wonder why,
Was it really worth it?
Did we have to die?”

Harvest Home!

Posted on August 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We finished harvest yesterday just before lunchtime. By two o’clock were sitting in Cambridge crematorium to say goodbye and celebrate the life of Mike Windsor. As I sat there I realised that two harvests had been completed. Mike had been a gentle man, in all senses of the description. He was a ‘welcomer’: wherever he was , whatever he was doing, whoever he was with, he’d greet you with enthusiasm. I’m not going to go all holy, but if there is another room, one of the many people I would hope to see there would be Mike. Harvest is done…

The fields are dustless and silent,
The combine harvester’s not there,
The crops are safely in the barn,
Thoughts now turn elsewhere.

Rows of silent mourners,
Under that sad-place’s dome,
Where people also gather,
To celebrate “harvest home”.

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A Day to Remember

Posted on August 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday would have been my son David’s 33rd birthday. When he was killed, ten years ago last February, some said, “Time is a great healer“, I only wish it were so.
As the world he knew grows ever-distant, his absence results in an ever greater number of unanswerable questions about how his life would have been. On a mundane level it seems almost unbelievable that he never handled an iPod, let alone a smart phone. He never knew that London was awarded the Olympics or saw their fruition. These are but two, I’m sure that with a little thought one could easily add many more inventions or events that have changed in that short time.
In ten years the world has advanced beyond recognition, yet, as his father, the most striking difference has been his absence.
Most societies acknowledge the role of a mother in grief. In many parts of the world little old ladies wear nothing but black, show public tears and are often seen wailing in grief.
As a father, it is my perceived role to carry the family forward. However, as any grieving father knows, it is often family and close friends that not only carry him, but give him the will just to survive day to day. Pity the grieving father cut off from his kin.
Yesterday, my wife and I hid ourselves away, as we do for all painful anniversaries. The morning was bright and sunny but for all we cared the day could have been night. Without any warning we suddenly had guests. The unexpected appearance of David’s beloved sister and the niece he never knew (yet shows a few of his traits and mannerisms), was beyond description. That it ever happened and wasn’t just part of a wonderful dream or movie still leaves me breathless. Instead of having a day of mourning we had the sort of day that not only David would have truly loved, but a day that fully honoured his memory.
Time may never heal, but family and friends can make life worth living.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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Telephone Scamming Scum!

Posted on July 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

An elderly man I know well had a call from a ‘nice man at the bank’. The Octogenarian followed all the instructions he was given and posted off his debit card. He had been scammed by scum. It’s time our lawmakers and society in general stopped being so soft on such hate crime. We do not tolerate child abuse, ethnic abuse or abuse against GLBT in this country but seem to turn our backs on crime against the elderly…

A ‘nice man from the bank’,
Rang with some news,
My debit card needed changing,
Was worn out with being used!
If he sent an envelope,
Could I please send it back,
Then he’d send me a new one,
And that would be just that!
I did what he told me to,
Then alarm bells started to ring,
But the ‘nice man from the bank’,
Would take care of everything!
The following week I was card-less,
The ‘nice man from the bank’ was gone,
They drained my account most efficiently,
And now I feel so wrong.
How could I have been so stupid,
Am I losing it at eighty-five?
The nice man from the bank was so plausible,
I feel stupid, myself I deride.
I have now lost my confidence,
I don’t know who to trust,
The lawmakers have forgotten me,
I’m elderly and my account is bust.

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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Loss