The World Needs Experts (like a fish needs a hair straightener)

Posted on June 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been doing a job when a voice from behind you says: “I wouldn’t have done it like that!” At present every politician who has ever held office is complaining about a former Prime Minister’s comments regarding Iraq. Now I have never been a fan of the former PM, but his comments have given others a golden opportunity to say: “I wouldn’t have done it like that” from over his shoulder…

The men look over the shoulder,
Of the one doing the job,
They’re busy with advice,
While he wishes they’d just shut their gob!
“Why don’t you,” and “If I were you,”
The phrases that they most use,
Not noticing that the man doing,
Takes no notice of their views!

© Baldock Bard 2014
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A Valentine’s Day Gift for Somerset Farmers

Posted on February 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Valentine’s Day. Up and down the country farmers are donating forage for those farmers in Somerset who desperately need help. The Young Farmers Clubs are central in helping to organize this relief effort aided by the National Farmers Union and other farmers groups. Haulage companies have given their services for free and farmers are taking fodder to central points for collection. At present those organising the distribution in Somerset have asked for a halt to deliveries, so we wait our turn. Community spirit is alive and well in the countryside this Valentine’s day…
Roses are red
Violets are Blue
Hay is the gift
We’ll send to you
It won’t arrive
For Valentine’s day
But it will be there
Whenever you say
So meantime it’s stored
On the farm in the queue
Just wanted to say
We’ll not forget you.

If you’d like to donate forage, please get in touch with your local YFC or NFU and they can point you in the right direction. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Row, Row, Row your Boat!

Posted on January 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

One of my Granddaughters favourite books has a button that you press to play a tune while you sing the words:
Row,row, row the boat,
Gently down the stream,
If you see a crocodile
Don’t forget to scream!
Yesterday I went to look around the farm. As we are on the top of a hill I didn’t expect to see flooding. However we have had almost half our annual rainfall in one month. The land has had as much water as it can take, the ditches are full to overflowing and it has nowhere else to go. Just when farmers needed a good harvest to keep their heads above water! Looking at a small lake I was reminded that there are many many farmers whose fields are completely underwater. So as I waded through the water, knowing there was nothing I could do, I started to sing…

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the ditch,
When you see your flooded fields,
You know life is a bitch!

Wash, wash, wash your boat,
On a bright June day,
There is now a hosepipe ban,
Put that hose away!

‘Always look on the bright side of life,
der dum, der dum, der dum, der dum…’ Eric Idle

The Sympathy Reservoir Springs a Leak

Posted on January 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

For some days now high tides, damaged sea walls and flooding have filled our screens. Correspondants have carefully chosen to report from those sea walls that have the greatest ‘splash factor’. Cars and vans have been filmed on smart phones floating away in swirling water. Helicopters have been hired to show new lakes on agricultural land. However there are signs of restlessness in the cheap seats. Very soon the gaze of the media will shift and editors will sigh with relief that new disasters are available. Meanwhile the misery for others will not have gone away so easily…

Water, water, everywhere,
It’s on the news right now,
Typical farmers complaining,
Have you seen a swimming cow?
One farmer has a massive lake
Where his crops once were,
The river is somewhere down in there,
It’s causing quite a stir.

A local pub has has water,
It’s lapping at the bar,
The publican faces ruin,
(It’s time for news from afar).
An old lady has been rescued,
She’s in an inflatable in the street,
Some kids splash by on scooters,
Her misery is complete.

“The council this, the council that!”
The council caused this rain!
They shouldn’t have given permission,
To build on a flood plain!”
Viewers screens are flooded,
Their patience down the drain,
They’ll move on, sympathy gone,
‘Not Me!’ syndrome again.

That Monday Morning Feeling (on a Thursday!)

Posted on January 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning, in a positive frame of mind, I turned on the news. Commuters going back to work and complaining about fare rises formed such a large part of the content that I pressed the red button within seconds. Then I realised that it was a sign. Christmas is back in the box, it’s back to reality and the rubbish needs to go out…

It feels like Monday morning,
All Christmas magic stripped away,
We’re back to work,
Not even a smirk,
Months ’till the next holiday!

The Christmas tree to the garden,
The wrapping paper to the loft,
Empty bottles in,
The recycling bin,
From food waste a turkey waft!

So here’s to 2014,
Resolutions wearing thin!
What the year will be,
We wait and see,
Now last year’s in the bin!

The Impact of Last Years Words!

Posted on January 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

As with any year, words played a great part in 2013. However one person showed how important it is to have even a smattering of understanding when there is a translator doing the talking…

Imagine if…
During an important meeting,
Where let’s say, missiles are the topic,
The translator translating to a president the words of the president opposite,
Suddenly whispers:
“Oh, and by the way, he likes the way you’ve done your hair this morning and asks if you fancy going up to his suite for a coffee later?”
When in truth the president the other side of the table had said:
“I can see no way forward in reducing medium range missiles as you won’t reduce your long range rockets”
Or…
The unsuccessful job applicant who uses a free internet translation service that turns ‘yours sincerely’ into ‘your mother has the knees of a chicken and your sister the tongue of a snake!’
Or…
If Thamsanqa Jantjie, when ‘signing’ at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela had translated President Obamas speech as “Blah, Blah, Blah, Elephant, Giraffe, tiger, Lion!”
I think Mandela would have smiled.
If reports of his sense of humour are true, perhaps he smiled anyway!
Here’s wishing you and yours health and happiness in 2014…
…and watch those words!

Powerless!

Posted on July 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

At last we’ve had a much-needed shower of rain. Unfortunately it brought the unwanted guests – thunder, lightening and a power cut, to the party as well. Meanwhile in London the eyes of the world’s media are focused on a hospital door where a young couple with a baby may appear later…

Early this morning just as it was light,
Our two dogs had a terrible fright,
The burglar alarm was a-squealin’ and a-screechin’,
“Help! There is trouble” it was beseeching!
I realised at once that the power was cut,
Thunder and lightening – curtain, window, shut!
Then from the heavens came the pouring rain,
And the burglar alarm started howling once again!
It was as if the heavens had seen quite enough,
And decided to fight back with mega-weather rough!
This morning all the crops are going “Aaaaah!”
They’ve at last had some water before it went too far.
But the side effects of no juice through the wires,
No internet or mobile phone, a silence that inspires!
And on the TV news they are interviewing a lady,
Who’s camped out on the pavement to see a royal baby!
So whether it’s George, Arthur or even Alistair,
Let’s bury all bad news today as if it wasn’t there!

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The Royal Baby!

Posted on July 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I received an email yesterday from a publishing company urging me to buy a ‘Royal Baby Special’. It lead me to wonder if journalists had already written two editions, one destined for the newsagents and the other for a collectors fair in 2095! I suspect we are awaiting a tsunami of words, so I thought I’d better get in there first…

Will it be a boy?
Will it be a girl?
Will he wear sailor suits?
Or pink dresses which she’ll twirl?

Will he be a ‘thinker’,
Who sits all alone?
Or will she be a reformer,
Who does away with the throne?

We’ll not have Prince Colin,
Or Princess Tia for sure,
I think they’ll follow tradition,
And have Elizabeth once more.

All this is conjecture,
The first answered any day,
All we can hope most sincerely,
Is mother and baby are ok.

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The Risks of ‘Elf and Safety!

Posted on June 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Health and Safety rules are everywhere in our daily lives. Unfortunately so are rules invented by ‘Elf and Safety, its unruly twin brother. Councils are particularly fond of this latter breed of made-up gold-plated rules and many jobsworths are employed to ensure compliance. Unfortunately this stupidity tends to counteract the good work done by the HSE (Health and Safety Executive) who are then unfairly tarred with the same, rather soiled, brush…

You need a longer ladder, Mate,
To change that bulb up there!
Have you done an assessment,
Of the risk posed by you pair?

Have you done the training,
To wear a fluorescent vest?
Or been on a course, rules to enforce,
That ‘Elf and Safety’s best!

We can’t have hanging baskets,
In case they should fall down,
Christmas Trees just spread disease,
So are banished from the town!

No conkers in the playground,
Unless safety goggles worn,
Clip-on ties, save bulging eyes,
When Tom’s tie is grabbed by Shaun!

The HSE are desperately trying,
to challenge the ‘Elf and Safety myth,
So check with them, before telling the men,
Who may think you’re taking the pith!

Help the HSE banish the myth and restore sense by visiting
http://www.hse.gov.uk/myth/

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Living in Interesting Times!

Posted on April 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There are those who point at the leader of North Korea and laugh. There are some who are imprisoned in vast gulags for doing just that, and then there are those who are extremely concerned about the prospect of military action. It is a complicated scenario with an unsteady clown taking centre stage. The late Billy Reeks, from our village, lost his youthful innocence on that peninsular in the early fifties during National Service, let’s pray the lunacy can be tamed. An old Chinese saying, that can either be taken as a blessing or a curse, says: May you live in interesting times…

Kim (son of Il) went down the hill,
to look across the water!
Kim looked round,
and blearily frowned,
And contemplated slaughter!
Kim went back to Pyongyang,
to wave at a marching troop,
He made a play
at the US of A
With rhetoric and theoretical nuke!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Newsverse & Worse

The World Needs Experts (like a fish needs a hair straightener)

A Valentine’s Day Gift for Somerset Farmers

Row, Row, Row your Boat!

The Sympathy Reservoir Springs a Leak

That Monday Morning Feeling (on a Thursday!)

The Impact of Last Years Words!

Powerless!

The Royal Baby!

The Risks of ‘Elf and Safety!

Living in Interesting Times!