The Cam-Eee-Lyon Sheet!

Posted on December 12, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

A Canadian company has developed a ‘Harry Potter’ style invisibility cloak. According to recent press reports, the makers apparently claim that their material renders it’s wearers invisible by bending light waves around them. A rival firm, Scroggins, Scroggins and Pushpast Ltd have developed a similar product in an invisible workshop near Buntingford in the UK. The ‘Cam-Eee-Lyon Sheet’ (pictured above) projects a similar pattern to its surroundings. Some are calling this breakthrough the answer to all those embarrassing questions such as: ‘how did I get a parking ticket when I only popped into the shop for a minute, why is it that Big Foot is only ever seen in movies and why does the vodka evaporate when Stacey is baby-sitting?’ Your ever-intrepid Bard road-tested this latest invention at a secret location…

I’m an invisible presence hidden from the skies,
You can’t even see me, the perfect disguise!
I walk right amongst you, you can’t even see,
I could be beside you or up that tall tree!

I’m riding a Unicorn right up the high street,
I’m stealing your pizza and that’s no mean feat!
I’ve emptied that bottle of great vintage wine
You think that you finished it at some other time!

I relocate objects just as I please,
My favourite: your glasses and of course your car keys!
At night my inventiveness is abundantly clear,
You huddle under your bedclothes and shiver with fear!

I’ve listened in to gossip you share with your friends
It can’t be un-heard how do I make amends?
You always blame me when I wasn’t even there,
It is simply isn’t possible it’s just so unfair!

You suspect I’m to blame because I’m never around,
It’s created suspicion, rumours abound!
I’ve learnt some home truths I wish I didn’t hear,
I’ve now gone and burnt it – I made it disappear!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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My New iPhone!

Posted on September 14, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning there are queues stretching around the world outside Apple stores. This is so the ‘lucky ones’ can say to their friends “I’ve got the new i-phone 5, nah-nah-na-nah-nah!” When I saw the new offering, a voice screamed in the back of my head: “Want one and I want one NOW!” However some hours later I realize that it will still receive those annoying sales calls, the same forwarded text jokes and exactly the same music that is installed on my present model. I will wait, I think…

Yippee! Yippee! It’s an i-phone five,
I want, I want, just to feel alive.
The screen is bigger and that’s not all,
To own one now would be so cool!

I’ve watched the keynote speech upon my Mac
I thought to myself “there’s no going back”
I watched the news reports on TV,
I want one now, can’t wait you see!

But then I realized I’d been had,
The hype had got to me, I was sad!
There’s no way queuing would make me cool,
Quite the opposite, I’d look a fool!

Now I’ve got over this little need,
The inner voice no more does plead,
Instead Mr Sensible shows no surprise,
I will just wait until my old i-phone dies!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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NewsVerse and Worse 2

Posted on April 1, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Week-ending 31st March 2012
It’s April Fools Day, it might just as well have been April Fools Week!
The panic over fuel supplies for the Easter period seems to be easing, meanwhile low levels in reservoirs in the South East have prompted a hose-pipe ban starting next Thursday.
Bosses at the Post Office have been given the green light to raise stamp prices to a level of their chosing, it must be only a matter of time before house to house deliveries are abolished and the organization suffers a fatal coronary. We are so lucky to have a wonderful postman, I fear for his future.

“Don’t panic, Captain Mainwearing,” Corporal Jones said,
there’s enough fuel for all, without losing your head.
The drivers are on overtime, to ensure supplies,
while they top up their salaries, that’s no surprise.

The turkeys at the Post Office are looking forward to Christmas,
A chance to raise stamp prices, they’ll definitely not miss.
If a stamp becomes more expensive than a Christmas card,
There’ll be a pruning of my list, that won’t be hard!
Very soon they’ll build houses without a letter box,
We’ll all use e-mail – that’ll guarantee them a loss.

We’re about to suffer a hosepipe ban here
There’s been too little water in the winter this year
But lo! What’s this, my wife with no clothes?
She’s in the garden, showering with hose!
A thousand-pound fine if watering you’re seen
Our neighbours might report her if our garden looks green!

© Baldock Bard
Just 12 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns  for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012 
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Fuel Guage

Posted on March 30, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

With the fuel tanker drivers threatening strike action, panic-led queues have formed at petrol stations. Due to panic buying prices have reached £1.53/litre in places. The army have been put on standby. The government, opposition and unions have been quick to exploit the situation for their own ends and are fast losing public support…

I’ve queued in some very strange places
I’ve queued for some very strange things
But sitting in a queue for a litre or two
No joy or happiness brings

Now I know tanker drivers are angry
Their pay average £45k
If there’s a spare place I’d join the race
And start to cart fuel today!

Bring home the troops from Afghanistan
To their families waiting back here
They’ll drive a truck and won’t give a f*ck
It’s safer, better paid with no fear

© Baldock Bard
Just 14 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns  for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012 
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Cosy Suppers at No 10

Posted on March 26, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The story surrounding the resignation of the Conservative Party co-treasurer, Peter Cruddas (following a sting by a Sunday newspaper), refuses to lie down. It’s going to be a difficult week for the Prime Minister.

Fancy a cosy supper at Number Ten?
Give £250k to the Tories then!
Before Comrade Miliband starts to glower,
remember jailed colleagues when you were in power?
It’s nothing new (or so it appears),
It’s been happening for hundreds of years.
Whether you’re Left or whether you’re Right,
The whole miserable lot can be summed up as ‘sh*te’.

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
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NewsVerse & Worse 1

Posted on March 25, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Week-ending 24^th March 2012
In the news this week: The Budget, a shooting in London and a Lottery mix-up in Denmark.

To stop revellers freeloading before they go clubbing,
An alcohol tax will give night-outs a drubbing!
To replace the missing billions squandered by Labour,
the budget proposes to Granny-tax your neighbour.
£1.40 per litre at the pumps for fuel,
re-think the school run: Swap the car for a mule.
But lo! What’s this, surely not an Osbornegate?
(One who’s wealthy but pays the tax lower rate?).
While there are things you can no longer afford,
The governments ring-fenced spending abroad.
A government announcement sent by fax:
“We’re just reinforcing certainties – birth, death and tax.”

A Russian banker shot on a London street,
did someone hit the following:
ctrl alt delete?

Playing the lottery with Danske Spil,
Made winning seem a bitter pill,
According to a ‘winner’ (I think called Sid),
“I celebrated a Billion, but received seventy quid!”
A spokesman apologised for the distress,
“Was human error that caused the mess”.

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Newsverse & Worse