Attention in the Ranks!

Share

Cadet BBAccording to recent stories in the press, a guide has been written to inform servicemen how to address officers. Instances have been found where lower ranks have called officers ‘Mate’ or ‘Boss’. Having never been in the military (apart from a brief stint as a bugle-playing cadet), I would have thought this was as obvious as recognizing the difference between certain farm animals. However it would seem that it’s not as easy as it appears…

There is one thing senior officers hate,
That’s a low-ranker calling them ‘Mate’.
They also seem at a total loss,
When anyone calls an officer ‘Boss!’
The published reminder (no doubt astute),
Tells all squaddies who to salute!
(Could be awkward during sabotage,
With everyone dressed in camouflage!)

Cadet Private Baldock Bard is in the second row from the back in the above photo, holding his bugle at the wrong angle, beret askew and awaiting court-martial!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above



Facebook: Baldock Bard

Twitter: @baldockbard

E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk



Share

Christmas Eve

Share

No RoomTonight sees the end of the most commercial run-ups to Christmas ever. This started with scenes of utter greed where shoppers fought over enormous flat-screen TV’s on Black Friday (only to find themselves unable to sell them on E-Bay later due to saturation of the market).

I thought of an ancient story that we all know so well. A man and his pregnant wife looking for somewhere to stay. I began to think this had been drowned out and forgotten. However, it is so far removed from the shopping scenes we’ve all witnessed, that the simplicity of the message will survive. Despite all the wrong in the world, babies keep coming!

This morning I was going to write a special Christmas Verse. This was planned to include: complicated verse structure, a cast of hundreds including elves, woodland scenes, snow, dancing goats, performing seals, and of course an old man with a long white beard. But, being a simple farmer, I have chosen simplicity…

I wish you a very Happy Christmas
(please pass on many times to everyone you meet today)

May you have a most wonderful Christmas surrounded by those you love.
Baldock Bard

Today’s verse is dedicated to two people who have done so much for our tiny village: Silka and Fiona, with thanks and love.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Share

No Berries this Christmas!

Share

One BerryYesterday I went out to get some holly in from the garden to decorate. In November the trees had been thick with berries, I’d looked at them and thought ‘will I or won’t I?’ In the end I decided against. As with many decisions I seem to make, I chose the wrong answer, so that when I went to collect holly a month later I could only count two berries on the five trees! Looks like I may have to resort to a little cheating with my grand-daughter’s Playdough…

There are no berries on the trees this year,
They are naked of colour so I fear,
I should have picked when the berries appeared,
But I didn’t and so they all disappeared.
However at least some good came from their presence,
They fed the birds, some dropped for pheasants!
So this year the holly is devoid of berries,
May have to substitute with a bunch of cherries!
So I’m off to deck the halls,
Any complaints I’ll just say “B*lls!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Share

Cornelius and The Hat!

Share

The HatYesterday in a local supermarket I bumped into a young man wearing what looked like a chicken on his head! He displayed that ‘devil may care’ sangfroid of someone I used to know many years ago…

Cornelius Smith (known as Max!),
Owned a selection of rather strange hats.
His most bizarre it must be said,
Was like a turkey perched on his head.
When unshaved, red-faced and puffing,
His face resembled the turkey’s stuffing!
Full of fun, jokes and facts,
That’s why everyone called him Max!

Happy Christmas Shopping Everyone!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Share

You Can Never Go Back?

Share

LongstoweToday is my 900th posting and I started to look back. But the more I looked back the more I became convinced that it was a fruitless exercise. However a recent visit to a place that was very much part of my past, triggered memories. I want to tell you about when the past catches up with you…

Many years ago, when I told a friend that I was going back to visit former work colleagues at a farm I used to work on, I was told that you can never go back. So I took the advice and cancelled my planned visit.

Fast-forward thirty-six years and five months to a recent visit.

I went to a meeting to learn about the massive expansion in rules and regulations that is hitting farming right now. The venue was the Village Hall at Longstowe in Cambridgeshire, the very village I had left in 1978. Apart from a cursory look around when my children were small, I hadn’t been near the village since I left the farm.
Around fifty farmers had an instructive walk around part of the farm estate, guided by experts in the new regulations and the present owner. Much had changed, however I did recognise certain fields and that a fence that I had erected had recently been replaced! I spoke to the present owner (son of the owner that I knew), we chatted about certain parts of the farm and then he dropped a bombshell. The man who I had worked closely with all those years ago, Derek, and who I had thought so very old at the time, had only recently died.

Derek was ‘of the village’. He was born, raised and worked there.
His father was Station-Master until Beeching axed the line in the sixties. Once when young, Derek had taken the train to London. He was about to alight at Kings Cross when he saw all the people, decided that crowds were not for him and stayed on the train until he was safely back home.

Derek had a Morris Marina that despite its age had done minimal mileage. This was unsurprising as the furthest it was ever driven was an occasional trip to Gamlingay, a round trip of around twelve miles. Derek would get the car out of the garage and go through an exhaustive list of checks. During this time word would spread and his cousin ‘Wooper’, ‘Chalky’ White and anyone else nearby, would take their places in the car! Derek never complained but was always surprised how quickly word spread!

When my wife and I became engaged, Derek informed me that his mother and father wished to meet my intended. A Saturday morning was chosen and we were shown, like royalty, into the front room. Derek’s mother produced special mid-morning fare, Camp Coffee made with two heaped teaspoons of sugar, condensed milk and Woolworths finest ‘slab’ fruit-cake. We had a wonderful morning that remains as vivid thirty-six years later as it did back then.

Sad to say, after I left, I never saw Derek again. Despite all the friendship shown to a naive youngster, the many lessons and hours of companionship on the farm that this true gentle-man imparted, I just didn’t make the effort because I’d been told ‘you can’t go back’.

On a day when the change in farming could not have been more emphasised, my thoughts were with an ordinary man who taught me so much, not just about farming, but about life.

So, Derek, rest peacefully, i’m so sorry I didn’t make the effort.
If you ever get a chance to go back in time, just do it, you’ll regret it if you don’t.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Share

Small Farms Under Attack

Share

Farmers MeetingYesterday I went to a meeting to learn about a whole raft of new agricultural regulations. We were shown around a two-thousand acre estate, my few hundred acres seemed very insignificant and the legislation talked about, large and frightening. Everything seemed to be verboten and penalty-laden. Somewhere deep within Whitehall, there must be a group of very angry regulators who have never seen the light of day, let alone a farm, whose sole aim is to destroy small farms…

Regulation, regulation, regulation,
Will be the death of me.
There’ll be no time to grow a crop,
Desk-bound I will be.
I know there have to be some rules,
This I understand,
But the latest tranche from DEFRA,
Have surely got out of hand.
I look back with idle longing,
To a time some years ago,
When the purpose of my job,
Was simply reap and sow!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Share

The Milky Bar Kid!

Share

Milky Bar KidGrandparents are put upon this earth for one purpose. They may be old, they may creak and need constant repeats when spoken to, but their real purpose is known by grandchildren the world over. They were invented to spoil grandchildren.  Unfortunately some mothers think they are the first generation to produce children…

The grandparents bribe of choice,
Up and down the land,
A bar of white chocolate,
No evidence on hand!
“Did you have a nice time,
With Grandpa here today,
Would you like to come back,
Tomorrow morning to play?”

Grandpa loosens his collar,
Beads of sweat upon his brow,
Praying that his grandchild,
Doesn’t tell her mother how,
She had a bar after breakfast,
And two this afternoon,
The advantage of white chocolate,
“Your mum might be back soon!”

It’s all a case of forgetfulness,
Today’s mothers have erased,
Memories of their childhood,
In their Milky Bar Kid days!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

Vanish – the family pack!

Share

Vanish 2In the supermarket on Sunday morning, a family pack of stain remover caught my eye. This led me to consider what it would be like to be able to disappear at will. Then I wondered if the remover could be extended to time-shift as well. At this rate the men in white coats cannot be far away…

Just imagine if you could vanish at will,
Perhaps in a restaurant before paying the bill!
All hold hands and ‘Whoosh!’ you’re gone
To find yourselves in Saigon!

The last helicopter leaves the embassy roof,
Hold hands again you’re now in Beirut!
Leave the Middle East the quickest way
Shut your eyes, you’re now in LA!

Hollywood-hopefuls on every street,
Back to London in a heartbeat!
Suddenly your surroundings all look Spanish,
You rue the day you first learnt to vanish!

Then I find myself at home on a Sunday afternoon, so I reach for the tub of stain remover and…..

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Share

On The Beach in November!

Share

Beach HutsMrs Bard and I went for a walk along the beach this morning. If I were honest I’d probably describe the weather as being on the bracing side. We watched as a dog repeatedly launched himself into the sea while its humans walked in the soft sand and shouted encouragement. But it was the beach huts that caught my attention, their bright colours and different shapes reminded me of seaside trips of my youth: all sand and squash!

When I was young,
A long time ago,
Out of season to the seaside,
My family would go.
We borrowed a cottage,
Not far from the sea,
Complete with shrimp nets,
And thermos for tea!
Out to the sand,
With shovel and rake,
Much hasty digging,
Sandcastles to make!
Back in the beach hut,
A large plastic jug,
Full of warm squash,
And the odd crawling bug!
But most of my memories,
Have melted away,
Along with the ice-lollys,
You can’t get today!
So here’s to the seaside,
It’s not Benidorm,
It’s mostly quite damp,
And not very warm!
but we love it all the same!
Dog on beach© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

British Railways 61572

Share

BR 61572Sometimes when on holiday, corners bring unexpected sights! Today whilst meandering along the coast road between Wells Next the Sea and Cromer, Mrs Bard and I came across a railway bridge surrounded by men in orange reflective jackets. Thinking it was a meeting of the secretive Association of Rail-track Surveyors, I stopped to take a photo. Within seconds I realized I had stumbled upon something worth photographing as a steam train puffed along the tracks. What I didn’t know was that the sighting was a photographic event. A unique chance to see the engine in her British Rail livery for two days only, the way she would have been in 1948 shortly after nationalization…

Suddenly out of the blue,
Chuffs engine 61572!
For just two days,
Enthusiasts can gaze,
At the rarest delivery,
In British Rail livery!
Philistines like me,
Don’t realise what we see,
As we happen upon,
a rare phenomenon!
…thinking it’s just another steam train on the North Norfolk Railway!
What a wonderful sight for an old man like me!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Share