The Old Blue Aga!

Posted on January 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Looking through a kitchen manufacturer’s brochure recently I came across their ‘Farmhouse Range.’ I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was very smart, very expensive and clinically clean, but it had neither Aga nor scruffy dog. “Sacre Blue!” (I would have said if I was a fermier,) it was just not right. Yesterday a friend rang wishing to borrow our kitchen (but not the sleeping scruffy dog!)…

A friend rang us up yesterday,
With a very strange request I have to say:
“May I come for tea and be so bold?
My heating’s bust and I’m bloody cold!”
And so she came in a very short while,
Her bum on the Aga bought forth a smile!
This monumental and ancient tool,
Can be used as a pleasant warming stool.
So if your heating ever falls apart,
Find a farmhouse to warm your heart!

We think the Aga was put in sometime in the early seventies by the father of our present ‘Aga Guru’ Duncan (newtonagaservices@sky.com). The oven is still going strong and is likely to outlast me and be passed on down through the family.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Impact of Last Years Words!

Posted on January 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

As with any year, words played a great part in 2013. However one person showed how important it is to have even a smattering of understanding when there is a translator doing the talking…

Imagine if…
During an important meeting,
Where let’s say, missiles are the topic,
The translator translating to a president the words of the president opposite,
Suddenly whispers:
“Oh, and by the way, he likes the way you’ve done your hair this morning and asks if you fancy going up to his suite for a coffee later?”
When in truth the president the other side of the table had said:
“I can see no way forward in reducing medium range missiles as you won’t reduce your long range rockets”
Or…
The unsuccessful job applicant who uses a free internet translation service that turns ‘yours sincerely’ into ‘your mother has the knees of a chicken and your sister the tongue of a snake!’
Or…
If Thamsanqa Jantjie, when ‘signing’ at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela had translated President Obamas speech as “Blah, Blah, Blah, Elephant, Giraffe, tiger, Lion!”
I think Mandela would have smiled.
If reports of his sense of humour are true, perhaps he smiled anyway!
Here’s wishing you and yours health and happiness in 2014…
…and watch those words!

The Dangers of Cheap Alcohol

Posted on December 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A recent news item warned of the dangers associated with cheap alcohol, bottled in shady industrial units and sold to unsuspecting customers. It reminded me of a story my late father-in-law used to tell: During the Second World War he was a scientist in a laboratory for Royal Ordnance, discovering ever more powerful high explosives. He told about two co-scientists who were holding a party one Christmas. Wartime supplies had led to a shortfall of ingredients and as a result their mixture turned out to be lethal…

Some scientists were having a party,
They worked making TNT,
Alcohol was scarce on the high street,
But in the lab the neat stuff was free!

The two concocted a fruit punch,
Industrial alcohol glugged by the score,
With each new batch they tested,
They added just a soupçon more!

When the guests arrived at the party,
They couldn’t get in through the door,
When they looked in through the windows,
Their hosts were dead on the floor.

Turkey Tales: Cyril the Turkey-Plucker’s Tale

Posted on December 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

One of my favourite pictures of my late mother is of her modelling ‘peasant-wear 1980’s style’ in the turkey-plucking shed. In those far-off days (pre-1990s) we’d prepare over 2,000 turkeys for London butchers. For many years we even supplied the butcher at Windsor that produced turkeys for the Queen to give to officers stationed at the castle over Christmas (the shop is now an ice-cream parlour I believe). Local hand-pluckers used to want the work and extra money for Christmas. How times change! The turkey-plucking shed is now devoid of feathers, radio and pre-Christmas chatter, these days Eastern Europeans pluck vast numbers by machine and nobody believes the old stories anymore…
Cyril (in the rear of the photo) was an engine driver on the railways who came to the farm in early December to pluck turkeys on his days off. He worked out of Kings Cross Station, London. His favourite journey was from the terminus, splitting from the main line at Hitchin and running up to Cambridge. Every year he’d ask if he could have a bag of wheat from the farm and we’d provide a sack-full thinking that maybe he had chickens in his back garden. One year he told us the purpose of the wheat: On his way through Ashwell towards Cambridge, Cyril would occasionally throw wheat from the cab of the train. On the way back he’d stop the train, climb down from the cab and pick up any dead pheasants from a local estate that subsequent trains had hit. Quite often angry commuters would wind down the window and in angry tones shout, “What’s the problem, Driver?” Cyril would shout back, “Sorry for the delay sir, something on the track!”
Cyril died suddenly, some years before retirement. He was a kind-hearted man with a cheeky grin and a wonderful way with a story. We still miss him and always remember him at this time of year.

Superstore Nativity Scene (seasonal figures for sale!)

Posted on December 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was in a wholesale store the other day and noticed an almost full-scale set of characters depicting the Nativity Scene. Whilst very impressive, I felt they had a certain air of sadness about them. I am old enough to remember as a child, the joy and reasurance that came from such a simple and well-known story. I began to wonder whether it would still have the power to thrill in years to come. Will the school that still has a nativity play or celebrates ‘Christmas’ (rather than the bland ‘Winter Festival’), please take a bow…

While shepherds watched their flock by night
On a shelf above aisle nine,
A security guard came wandering past,
To check that all was fine!

Off he went to patrol the store,
As was his job that night,
Three kings came a-wandering in,
And gave him such a fright!

“Please tell us where we can find a child?
It would seem the store is closed?”

“You can wait ‘till opening time,
No security threat supposed!”

The Three Wise Men passed him by,
Walked around the empty store,
They found the baby in aisle nine,
And fell upon the floor.

“Come up here,” the shepherd said,
There’s no need to fear,
Nativity is mostly ignored in schools,
It’s Peppa Pig this year!

There they stand, eyes on the crib,
In which the baby lays,
They have a price, five hundred pounds,
That would seem cheap these days!

I See No Zulus Sarge!

Posted on November 8, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s the time of year when ‘Hindsight-experts’ crawl out of the woodwork to examine the past from the safety of their peacetime armchairs. Recently a shop window display caught my eye. It seemed to be straight out of the 1964 film ‘Zulu’ and cut a rather sad and lonely figure in these strange and uncertain times…

“I see no Zulus, Sarge!
Are they out beyond that ridge?
I’m stuck here in this window,
Colder than a fridge!”

“My helmet’s not for sale,
My jacket is all dusty,
The sun has baked my ruddy face,
And my bayonet’s gone rusty!”

“I’m spending all my days,
Staring at the rain,
They promised that I’d meet,
A younger Michael Caine!”

“I see no Zulus, Sarge!
And I wonder why,
Was it really worth it?
Did we have to die?”

The Agricultural Time Traveler (third class!)

Posted on October 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

How many of you remember the ‘Back to the Future’ films 1985, 1989 & 1990? How many of you wanted to hop into that DeLorean car, get the ‘Embarrassment Eraser’ out and give parts of your life a good rub? I can remember a constant phrase of my youth seemed to be “if I had only known then…” One aspect of the films that I hadn’t registered was that the date on the time machine console just happened to be my 30th birthday, October 26^th1985! Unfortunately I received no credit, but there again the only part I had played was being born on that date many years before…

If I could travel back in time,
I probably wouldn’t be writing rhyme!
I’d have grown the very best crops,
Invented combine-harvested hops!
I’m sure I’d have won an award by now,
Stood on a stage and taken a bow!
I might have passed many exams,
Had a flock of sheep, breeding rams!
I could have run ten-thousand metres,
Or competed against true world beaters!
But here I am back from the past,
My DeLorean’s rusty and no longer fast!
But one thing I discovered, it’s better to be,
Satisfied with life than un-ha-pp-y!
On my next trip back, just one more time,
I’ll get help in making my words rhyme!
If our lifetime-gearboxes had reverse,
We’d probably end up making things much worse.
So I’ll wish myself a Happy Birthday,
Since you ask… threw the keys away!

Michael J Fox (who played Marti McFly in the Back to the Future trilogy is now 52 years old and actively campaigns on behalf of those who suffer with Parkinson’s Disease following his own diagnosis in 1990.

The Missing Tractor!

Posted on October 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A few weeks ago I came across an old Massey-Ferguson tractor chained to a lamppost. It reminded me of foolish ways when I was young: Many years ago when I was just 15 and had just passed my tractor driving test, I ‘borrowed’ a tractor from the farm. I had a friend to stay and decided to use my newly-acquired qualification to transport us both to the local pub. Needless to sat the excursion ended badly…

“Let’s take some transport up to the pub!”
I said to my friend from town,
We can drive there via the lanes,
Much quicker than walking around.

We took the tractor from the shed,
As cool as cool can be,
Five minutes later we were sat in the pub,
The time was 7:03!

Within two hours we’d sunk some pints,
and were heading for the floor,
I said to my friend who was slurring his words
“We’ve enough time for a few more!”

On the way out we clung to the door,
So we didn’t fall outside,
We walked down the lane in a dreadful state
We’d only forgotten our ride!

We arrived at the farm covered in mud,
Our head and knees were sore,
We’d fallen in a ditch in a field,
We couldn’t drink any more!

The following day having suffered all night
At breakfast my old man said:
“I cannot believe the tractor has gone,
I’m sure I left it locked in the shed?”

I looked at my friend he’d turned white,
I remembered in a flash where it be,
So despite feeling bad I ran to the pub,
There it sat: unlocked, with the key!

The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Trimming the Ears on the Topiary Donkey!

Posted on October 15, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a demanding piece of topiary in the farmhouse garden that is supposed to be a man on a donkey wearing a Russian-type fur hat! It is a nightmare to clip. One wrong thrust with the shears, and six generations of careful grooming (and slipshod un-artistic clipping by the seventh – me!), goes down the pan! I fear it is beginning to look like a large Siberian riding Mickey Mouse (however it is open to artistic interpretation)…
The donkey goes:
“Clip Clop,
Clip Clop,
Clip Clop!”
The shears go:
“Clip Clip,
Clip Clip,
Clip Clip – Damn!”

It’s topiary time in the garden,
Time for a pre-winter trim,
I’m being careful with the big ears,
Not hacking away on a whim!
Why has the man a fur hat?
Was it so cold years ago?
It must have been different to nowadays,
That’s Global Warming for you don’t you know!
I clip and stand back from my subject,
The ears are looking quite strange,
One wrong clip and they’ll just be compost,
Looks like a spot of the mange!
I feel many eyes a-watching,
They’ve come from the churchyard to see,
Grand-dad is leaning on his crutches,
Laughing to bust over me!
My mother, Lord bless her, is frowning,
She wants to grab hold of the shears,
Her ghostly hands just run through them,
Whoops! There goes a piece of the ears!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am on Saturday
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

The Lifter – then and now!

Posted on September 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago, when I was a child, wheat was stored on the farm in sacks. When the crop was sold to a merchant, a flatbed lorry used to arrive to collect the sacks. The sacks would be brought out from the barn on a sack barrow and dropped onto a frame that had been attached to the side of the lorry. This would then be lifted with hydraulics and the sack would be raised to the shoulder-height of the man waiting to receive them. He would then stack ten tons worth of them, sheet them up, rope them using a lorry-driver’s half-hitch knot and leave for a local mill. This morning I was reminded of this machine when I saw a very clever attachment on a coach…

I was in the town,
When I saw a sight,
I’d not seen for many a year.
An arm came out,
from the side of a coach,
and lifted pensioners clear.
Up they went,
in a stately lift,
Until they were level with the door.
And then they could walk,
on the level so to speak,
not need to climb any more!
And I remembered,
a scene from my youth,
loading sacks of wheat.
The principle from then,
Is used today,
to get pensioners to their seat!

It just goes to show,
the simplest of ideas,
are often worth reinventing!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 

Picture of sack lifter from commercialmotor.com

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Category Archives: Past Times