Ron Middleton and the Harvest Rabbit!

Posted on August 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

As I was watching oats into the grain store yesterday, I was joined by an old friend. Mick and I go back over thirty years, and as happens when two old farts get together, we reminisced. Years ago the combine harvesters were smaller, harvest was a more drawn-out affair and the fields were alive with rabbits. We spoke of dear old Ron Middleton, and how during harvest he used to walk alongside the combine hoping to bag a rabbit or two for the pot…

Like a slightly arthritic,
Elma Fudd,
Ron walks beside the combine,
Waiting for a rabbit,
To show itself.
Tommy,
(Who used to drive the harvester),
Toots his horn,
To announce a sighting.
Ron steadies himself,
Raises the shotgun in anticipation,
And slides the safety catch to ‘off’.
The rabbit shows itself,
In front of the hungry machine,
Hoppity hoppity hop!
Bang!
Bang!
The rabbit looks around,
Its ears erect,
Dirt,
Straw and chaff,
Spray the area.
With resignation,
And a shrug of its rabbit shoulder,
The rabbit vanishes into the hedge!
For the next five minutes,
Old Ron,
Searches the long grass,
For a result,
That never was!
On the far side of the hedge,
The rabbit,
Unaware if this frantic activity,
Is on its way home,
For tea!
Hoppity hoppity hop!

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Surprise First Fruit!

Posted on August 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Some forty years ago my mother and father planted a mulberry tree in front of the farm. Three years ago my father, who is much more of an expert on these things than I’ll ever be, pronounced the tree dead. As we were busy we never got around to cutting it down and it grew leaves and survived. This year, for the first time ever, it is showing signs of preparing to shower us with fruit. We have been discussing what we may do with the fruit…

We were to cut down the Mulberry bush,
The Mulberry bush, the Mulberry bush,
We’d cut it up to make some logs,
But we haven’t had the time!

There is fruit on the Mulberry bush!
The Mulberry bus, the Mulberry bush!
We going to pick fruit from the Mulberry bush,
For the very first time!

We will be making Mulberry gin!
Mulberry gin, Mulberry gin,
We’re going to make cocktails from the Mulberry gin,
And it will taste better than wine!

… and you’re all welcome to come and taste!

Youth These Days!

Posted on July 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you remember when the summers were warmer, the grass was greener and the days were brighter? I bet they weren’t as warm as now! How many of you remember jumping into water to cool down? Global warming is back and you won’t find me complaining (I did enough of that when the days were cold, wet and dreary in June!). I stopped for a cool glass of shandy beside the river yesterday and watched youngsters doing what they have down the ages and it was good to see that no ‘elf and safety busybodies were stopping them. ‘Vivre Le Youth’…

The miserable old man said:
They shouldn’t be allowed to have such fun,
They should be in a gym or out on a run!
It wasn’t at all like that in my day,
Everyone was happy, bright and gay!
The summers were times of sea and sand,
Except for rationing you just did as planned,
I don’t know how the world’s gone down the drain
What they need is discipline and a shower of rain!

The young said nothing,
but continued to have fun
Enjoying being youthful
In the summer sun!

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Fluorescent Fred and his One Man Shed!

Posted on July 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There are road works on the A11, Norwich Road, near Thetford. At last someone has seen sense and decided to upgrade the nightmare-road of my childhood holidays! We all love the golden beaches of North Norfolk and the waterways of the Broads, but getting there has always involved holiday-journey-traffic-jam hell! The journey through Thetford Forest was also a perfect excuse to frighten younger siblings with tales of ghouls and goblins, earning a much-contested but well-deserved slap from the front seat! All this, along with driver’s angst, will soon be a distant memory when the road works are completed and the banksman ‘Fluorescent Fred’ has moved on to works anew…

Tango’d up to the nines in fluorescent,
Brighter plumage than a cock-pheasant!
Fred guides trucks and diggers across the road,
Making sure they don’t spill their load!
His one-man shed is dry and shady,
To the heavy plant, he’s a lollipop lady!

Dedicated to all banksmen, the unsung heroes of roadworks, whose vital work goes largely unnoticed by passing motorists. And of course to ‘Fred’ in his unique one-man-shed on the A11 at Elveden near Thetford. If you’re passing, give him a wave or a toot, and show him the love!

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Wax On Wax Off!

Posted on July 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was busy waxing the car yesterday when a neighbour stopped to enquire about my health. He asked if the tablets I was prescribed were strong enough and had I thought about taking double-dose? Confused, I explained that I didn’t need to take any medication. Before he left he suggested ‘that is a matter of opinion’ as apparently he’d never seen me wax the car before, I have no idea what he meant…

“Wax on, Wax off.”
Was the memorable quote,
from the eighties film,
The Karate Kid.
Where the master says
To his pupil:
“Wax on, Wax off!
Wax on right hand,
Wax off Left hand,
Breathe in through mouth,
Out through nose,
Don’t forget to breathe
Very important.”

Now I am much older,
It’s wax on, both hands,
Take a break!
Wax off, both hands,
Take a break!
Thankfully I’ve still,
Not forgotten to breathe,
Yet!

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Time Travel Back to 1980!

Posted on June 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been listening to the radio and suddenly a song comes on that transports you back in time? I was driving down a farm track the other day listening to the radio, when I was immediately transported to the time I last heard the song that was playing. Luckily I wasn’t on the road as I could do nothing more than stop the car and let the emotional memories that the song provoked wash over me.

I was transported back to a journey I’d completely forgotten about!

It was August 27^th 1980, we were in the middle of harvest and my son had been born early that morning. I was driving home from the hospital tired yet exhilarated, tears of joy streaming down my face and singing along with the radio at the top of my voice!

Unfortunately the feeling of exhilaration and surprise of reliving such a moment can’t ever be repeated. Because by the time you find, download and play the song again (this one isn’t available anywhere but U-tube), the moment has gone and the grey present has returned. You’re back in the room…

So this morning, instead of a verse I am passing on a long-forgotten song. As far as I know it never made the charts and is not particularly remarkable, except for the memories it stirred in me! As they used to say way back when, give it a spin!

‘Hatcheck Girl’ by Eddie Howell
http://youtu.be/eNFtsBVhd-8

Thanks to Graham Norton on Radio 2 for the memory!

Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

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Eric and Alice Recreate Their Youth with Two Wheels!

Posted on June 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I watched a retired couple cycle through a local park. Bradley Wiggins and Victoria Pendleton they weren’t, but if this is ‘Legacy from the Games’ I’m all for it! I can only hope that if I reach retirement age (whatever age that’ll be by the time my turn arrives) I can enjoy being as active. I must get down to the gym and try my hand at spinning and follow my friend Alastair’s example (although not the 105 miles London Revolution he cycled the other weekend!)…

Eric and Alice are just retired,
They’ve got an adequate pension,
They think it’s great,
To recreate,
Days further off than they mention!

Back then they courted on two wheels,
In those days few had a car,
On Eric’s racer,
He would chase her!
She would let him catch her (say aaah!).

Last week they bought two new bikes,
They take their time as they can,
They don’t go far,
Before finding a bar,
Alice still being chased by her man!

They like to cycle through the park,
Sometimes they’re similarly attired,
You could say,
As I saw them yesterday,
That they’ve both become re-tyred!

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The Bard’s Anniversary!

Posted on May 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard has put up with me for thirty-four years! I have never understood what she saw in me but know that I got the better deal. I have been told that she always saw herself marrying a rugby-playing, dark-haired Welshman. How she ended up with a blonde-haired, fool-playing Englishman is a mystery. If you wish you may sing along to the tune: ‘I’m getting married in the morning’, or not…

We got married one bright May morning,
Nineteenth of the month, in seventy-nine!
I was only young then,
not long from my playpen!
But managed to get to the chapel on time!

We went on Honeymoon from docks at Dover,
Took the ferry, crossing was sublime!
I had dirty washing,
to my Bride this was just shocking,
But managed to get to the hotel on time!

Drove right down to the Italian coast then,
Had a friend to stay with, that was fine!
In my ancient Lancia,
we took a great big chance-ia,
But managed to get to Venice on time!

We’ve been married just for thirty-four years,
Even have a grandchild, that is fine!
I would recommend,
that you start off as a friend,
Then you’ll be married a very long time!

Dedicated with thanks and love to Mrs Bard and all our family and friends who have been so supportive during good times and bad.

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Once a Knight…always a Knight!

Posted on May 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was poking my nose into some local history yesterday when I came across a tale of a mysterious knight that lived long ago. Adding together bits and pieces and making up what I couldn’t discover (like a true historian), I came up with his story. It may be slightly less than authentic, but it sounds good to me…

There once was a kindly knight,
Who was ever so polite,
He’d say to you,
before he ran you through,
“I don’t mean it, much, goodnight!”

One day while riding his horse,
He met a damsel in distress (of course!)
She swooned at his offer,
a lift he did proffer,
Carried her off without sign of force!

She bore him a son and an heir,
With the brightest and reddest ginger hair!
At the time of conception,
he ignored the reception,
So a knave nipped smartish in there!

The king took his knight off to war,
Was the last of him that she saw,
His words in the fight:
“That hurts, Ouch! Goodnight!”
And they buried him near Bangalore!

I bet a wonder you’ve one?
Whatever happened to the son?
He lost the plot,
was called Laugh-a-Lot,
Was the heir with the hair who was fun!

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Good Times!

Posted on April 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last September a friend bought me a magazine as a joke. I don’t know if you’ve seen them, but it was one of those that enable you to build up a set of irreplaceable collectors items in weekly parts. The one he gave me had a very smart Dickensian pocket watch attached to the front cover, and many pages packed with vital information about time-pieces. All for a very modest £2.99. We had a good laugh and I reciprocated by giving him the first instalment of a dolls house furniture magazine complete with full-size chest of drawers. My magazine is long-since recycled, however I found the watch the other day. In seven months and sixteen days it had lost just two minutes and seven seconds. It must have been genuine after all, thanks Tony…

You don’t know the good times till they’re gone
You may think these are bad times
You could be wrong
“Carpe Diem” – Seize the day
Tomorrow today will be yesterday
Life’s far too short not to get along
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Past Times

Ron Middleton and the Harvest Rabbit!

Surprise First Fruit!

Youth These Days!

Fluorescent Fred and his One Man Shed!

Wax On Wax Off!

Time Travel Back to 1980!

Eric and Alice Recreate Their Youth with Two Wheels!

The Bard’s Anniversary!

Once a Knight…always a Knight!

Good Times!