In The Digital Darkness!

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darknessFor the last eight days I have been in IT darkness! Mrs Bard and I rented an apartment in a Norfolk seaside town and I couldn’t find a way to attach my Macbook to the wifi. My iPhone would only find a signal through an outstretched arm on the balcony and there was no postbox in sight. So those who foretold of my untimely demise are to be disappointed, I am back…

I cannot believe I’d ever feel this way,
with no means of communication on holiday,
but when I got used to having no signal,
I had time to read upon my Kindle!
Mealtimes had no interruptions,
no viruses worms or other corruptions!
Wherever we went in this iPhone nation,
people were texting with no conversation!
Youngsters sat around cafe table,
clicking and clacking – speech not able!
Now I’m home I have to say,
I was most relaxed on my i-Free holiday!

With thanks to those who e-mailed to enquire about my general state of health, I hope you all enjoy a relaxing weekend.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Shocking Journey!

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dictionaryYesterday I had to drive to Hertford. It was a pleasant journey and I found myself absent-mindedly singing behind the wheel. I was shocked when I realised I was singing a ditty written by a French teacher some 50 years ago that had lain undisturbed amongst the cobwebs of my mind ever since. Then another surfaced, it upset the natural equilibrium of my journey and made me wonder if I had continued driving what was going to appear next, (all the more shocking as my academic prowess was the equivalent to Z minus!)…

Masculine singular nothing at all,
Masculine plural add ‘S’ or you’ll fall,
Feminine singular kindly add ‘E’,
for the Feminine plural add ‘ES’ you see!

also…

Qui never contracts,
Qui never contracts,
You can contract Que,
as much as you like,
But Qui never contracts!

When I arrived home I sought out my school English-French Dictionary to see if I’d written down these ditty’s and found no trace. So if you’re struggling with French grammar this morning (as we all are in our daily lives!), have this one on me!

© Le Bard du Baldock 2016
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The Ploughing Match

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ploughing-matchThese days farmers have a choice of cultivation methods to choose from. There’s No-Till where seeds are planted by the drill into stubble, Min-Till where only light cultivations precede the drill and finally the traditional Plough-cultivate-drill. The plough is now seldom seen in action on the farm. It’s expensive in both wearing parts, fuel and most of all, time. Ironically I’ve done more ploughing this year than ever before, but then, what do I know about anything? The skill of ploughing is maintained by the countryside’s hidden sport of the Ploughing Match. Friend Ian took along his vintage crawler tractor and plough (my plough stayed at home so I didn’t advertise my lack of skill!)…

The art of the ploughman is kept alive,
when to the ploughing match tractors arrive.
They plough an opening furrow long and straight,
this is then judged a nerve-wracking wait.
Then off to the neighbour’s furrow in with the plough,
and slowly start ploughing, is it level now?
Adjustments are made to furrow, width and pitch,
concentrate now and stop before ditch!
The last furrow should match up well with your first,
then it’s off to the beer tent to satisfy your thirst!

With thanks to Ian and Charlotte for the photo, and best of luck to the winners who go onto the next level. I shall return to my plough and pretend I have the skill.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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An Old Friend!

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grape-nutsHave you ever spotted an old friend and walked on by knowing it wouldn’t work out? I was in our local supermarket when, tucked away in the corner of a shelf outnumbered by more famous and larger brands, was a very old friend. However times have changed and I had to ignore…

I passed an old friend in the aisle,
the memories we shared made me smile.
We’d meet in the mornings long ago,
when I was a lad yet to grow!
But then you went out of my life,
I had two kids and a wife,
I can’t return to that crunchy delight,
with my dentures it wouldn’t be right!

I never knew where the name ‘Grape-Nuts’ came from as they included neither! Where did the hen and chicks on the packet go? Thanks for the memory!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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We Ploughed The Fields…

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Many years ago, while waiting for the vicar to turn up at a primary school Harvest Festival, I re-wrote the words to the hymn ‘We Plough the Fields and Scatter.’ Post-Brexit it is possibly worth another try, so here goes…

We ploughed the fields and scattered,
with help from the EEC,
but now that we’re post-Brexit,
I’d better lobby my MP.

In Wales they’ll send inspectors,
to go and count the sheep,
don’t worry boys after twenty minutes,
they’ll be fast asleep!

All good grants around us,
will be cut without restrain,
they can’t cut,
no if nor but,
our soft refreshing rain!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Breakdown Day!

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plough-wheelYesterday I had a puncture in the plough. Sensing that the words ‘plough’ and ‘puncture’ are hardly ever used in the same sentence, I thought this was a unique opportunity for a verse. So while I was sitting at the tyre depot awaiting a new tyre I set about writing this…

The old men on the farm
Would have seen the joke
In this technological world
this farmer’s plough wheel’s broke!

“You say your cab is hot
Yet you have air conditioning?
We walked behind a horse
If it farted we changed positioning!”

“A puncture in the plough?
On the adjustable-depth wheel?
No problem in our day
As ours was made of steel”

“So many things have changed
Your world we cannot understand
But one thing we have in common 
You can always expect the unplanned!”

Later yesterday evening there was a sudden clonking noise from the tractor front axle. It sounded very expensive as I drove very carefully back to the farm. I await the engineers! It would seem that breakdowns only occur when you are busy, nothing ever broke while parked doing nothing in the shed during the winter!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Difficult Field!

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DCIM100MEDIADJI_0017.JPG

Ploughing is all about straight furrows (or so says the book I am reading in an attempt to improve). This is relatively easy until you come to circumnavigate an electric pole or pond in the middle of a field…

Whoever decided the shapes of the fields,
certainly didn’t think of the plough,
as this one seen from my drone,
is the one we’re ploughing now!
Seventeen corners six electric poles,
then you throw in a pond,
I can’t even ask anyone anymore,
it’s designer’s in the ‘Land of Beyond!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
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The Last Ploughman in the Village

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John's GraveOn Tuesday, in our little village, we laid a Son of the Soil to rest. I was asked to give a eulogy. It is always difficult but when it is the end of an era it is all the more poignant. I have reproduced some of what I said here, not as some sort of self-promotion, but as a testament to John C…

We are here today not only to say ‘goodbye’ to John, but to mark the end of an era.
Many folk in this modern world would find it unimaginable for somebody to spend their whole life in one place, working on the same farm.
That is what John C. did. He arrived in the village aged 18 months when his father got a job on the neighbouring farm to here with my great-uncle who was the tenant. He left only a few weeks ago when he was overtaken by illness aged 91.
John loathed modernity. He never had need of a passport or used a computer and only considered a phone when his mother became ill.
He was a skilled ploughman and was of that first generation to cross from using horse-power to tractor-power.
He was as much a part of the farm as the ashes, oaks and Hornbeam trees in the woods. He took pride in the local history and surroundings, loving those areas on the farm unseen by most but loved by him.

He was a great story-teller.
Two of his favourites include explosions…

Story One
During the early stages of the Second World War a team arrived with traction engines to plough up a field on the farm that had been pasture since time immemorial. One traction engine was on the headland by the Great Wood and the other on the far side of the field. The plough was winched between the two by steel hawser. To get that bit of extra horsepower the men would tie down the safety valves with string. Both crews would meet for their beaver break (local terminology for mid morning snack) in the middle of the field.
One day a crew, during their beaver break, forgot to untie the string on the safety valve and the resultant explosion was heard for miles.
Thankfully nobody was hurt.
Story Two
During the latter days of the Second World War a V2 rocket landed on the farm. Because it was just over the brow of the hill, the resultant explosion only cracked windows on the cottages and farmhouse. However there were smashed windows over four miles away at Letchworth. You can still see the enormous hole in the hill today.

With much of modern farming, men arrive with massive machines with one aim: To reach the far corner of each field as quickly and efficiently as possible. Computers judge that efficiency by mapping everything from progress to yield. Operators may know the names of the fields and hectarage, but little else. The history and origins of those fields are superfluous to their needs. Without local men on the farm, particularly ploughman, whose progress across the fields was slow, we are losing that detailed knowledge of the land that has been handed-down over the generations.

We are saying goodbye to John today, a man who lived and understood the land that he worked, the whole of his working life was a testament to this green and pleasant land.
That is why this is the end of an era, 

John was ‘The Last Ploughman in the Village’.

© Baldock Bard 2016
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Ploughing a Straight Furrow!

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Plough6Yesterday I started ploughing. Now ploughing these days is considered old fashioned as it is expensive on parts and diesel, slow and generally considered to be not needed. However this year we have a lot of trash on the surface following poor weed control and so it is the only alternative available…

No longer does the ploughman follow the plough,
he spends his day in a tractor cab now!
Air-conditioned and air-suspension seat,
a flask of coffee and his day’s complete!
He’s got i-Tunes and Radio 2,
but after some hours the joys of those are few!
So he does what ploughmen used to do,
watch the wildlife and look at the view!

Enjoy your day, boredom isn’t the sole preserve of an office life!

© Baldock Bard 2016
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50 Years On!

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1966to2016We finished harvest last night. While on my way back to the field to collect more beans in the afternoon I parked the JCB and trailer next to the drive. When I returned it’s positioning seemed strangely familiar, so I took a photo. It was then that I realised that it was parked in the same spot as an old black-and-white photo taken 50 years before!

In 1966 the Massey-Fergusson was being driven by my cousin, Bruce, in the trailer (pre-Health and Safety days!) were my brother, Jeremy, and friend James Trollope. The tractor was 65hp, top speed of 17mph and the trailer carried just over 4t of wheat. The farm employed 4 men full-time and a good living could be made from 450 acres.

In 2016 the JCB is 170hp, top speed is 40mph and the trailer carries just over 17t of wheat. Nobody is employed on the farm, a contractor comes in with a giant combine and apparently it takes over 4,000 acres and a good-sized plot of land with planning permission to be a successful farmer!

How times change, but I wouldn’t change it for the world!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
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April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
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