Jim Hits The Deck!

Posted on June 19, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Clearing up after the car boot sale the other day I came across a discarded item from a stall. There, abandoned and unloved, lay Jim Reeves. How are the mighty fallen, from Top of the Pops to abandoned at Boot Sale…

A Jim Reeves sleeve hits the deck,
an aged lady says “By Heck!”
but Jim just lies upon the grass,
out of favour his time did pass.
I realise I may be wrong,
can’t remember a Jim Reeves song.
The housewives’ choice from years ago,
now thrown away that’s how it go.
Unfortunately there’s no way back,
As he slips inside the refuse sack.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October
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One Small Step!

Posted on May 30, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Earlier this week I wrote about John and Jane and their experiences with their windbreak while away on their boating holiday (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=6995). Later I heard that Jane had fallen down some stairs and was being treated in A&E. I have to explain here that Jane is many years younger and much fitter than me, therefore it came as a shock when I learnt that she fell, not down a large Cinderella-style staircase, but down two small steps into the boat…

Sometimes the smallest of steps sees you tumble,
The smallest of steps sees you fall,
Just when you’re not expecting it,
You find yourself up against the wall.
It’s not the large bills that scupper,
It’s often those unexpectedly small,
In life it’s that one extra step that is dangerous,
So take care, out there, Y’all!

Take care out there, have a great weekend and hopefully see you again soon.

Bank Holiday Paperwork!

Posted on May 25, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On Sunday I spent another seven hours struggling with BPS ( the government’s complicated new agricultural claims procedure). The high point of the exercise was speaking to Jill on their helpline -YES! Open on a Sunday! Although I asked questions that would not have been out of place in a primary classroom, she was very patient and led me by the hand through some very complicated regulations. However three hours later something was missing…

Has anyone seen 1.8 hectares?
It seems to have vanished from sight,
It was certainly there yesterday morning,
It must have gone away overnight!
I have worn out a calculator,
My brain sees figures no more,
I’m suffering a lack of sunlight,
Will have to get out of the door!

It’s now Bank Holiday Monday,
And I’m ready to go once again,
I think I’m almost on top of it,
Compared to last year it’s a pain!
I’ve got a secret weapon,
That just could save my life,
She’ll check out all of my figures,
It’s what is known as a wife!

A Farmer’s Wife – Every farmer should have one. In good times and bad, in poverty and wealth, in lambing and shearing, in planting and in harvest and in calculations and form-filling!
With thanks also to the kind folk at the Rural Payments Agency who are working so hard to help administer an ill-conceived and over-complicated claims proceedure that’s not of their making, while dealing with often fraught farmers with genorosity of spirit and kindness.

The Garden Party

Posted on May 21, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Friends Sian and Angharad travelled down from North Wales to attend a Royal Garden Party yesterday. Just before they left for Buckingham Palace I introduced them to a cardboard cutout so they could practice their curtseys. They had a wonderful time and returned with many a tale to tell…

Sian and Angharad where have you been?
“We’ve been up to London to visit the Queen!”
Please can you tell us what you saw there?
“We saw lots of people it was like a big fair!
We went into a garden all manicured and clean,
Had a cup of tea and there was the Queen!”
And what may I ask did she have to say?
Have you come far? You here for the day?
“We had some fine sandwiches on freshly baked bread
Good job they were good or “off with his head!”
Two bands were playing, we had ice cream,
When we went up to London for tea with the Queen!”

Let’s Go Fly A Kite… (modern version!)

Posted on April 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday on Facebook a young lady from Bedfordshire posted a photo: ‘Let’s Go Fly a Kite!’ I suddenly realised that my drone is the modern equivalent! So thanks to Beckie here’s my take on a classic (you’ll all know the tune and it’ll stay with you for days!)…

Let’s go fly a drone,
Just behind our lovely home.
Let’s go fly a drone,
And watch it soaring!
Up to the atmosphere,
Those trees look very near!
Let’s go fly a drone,
And watch it falling!

We’ll send it for repair,
It will get no more fresh air,
Want to go fly a drone?
eBay in the morning!
Now that the drone is gone,
To a Londoner called Ron,
I now go and watch them crash,
On YouTube ‘till I’m snoring…

…Let’s all fly a drone etc!

You can find Beckie at Vibacious Events
http://www.vibaciousevents.com/
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Road Closure

Posted on March 27, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Driving back from the town yesterday Mrs Bard and I came were shocked to come across a road closure on the road leading to the farm. What lay over the small hill? Would we get home? Would the frozen peas defrost?
Today we are going to a little country church to say goodbye to a friend. What has been most shocking about Anthony’s death is that suddenly a number of facts of life have been exposed to me when I thought I’d tidied them neatly away in a cupboard.
Firstly, although I didn’t see him often, Anthony was one of those legions of people who sit in ‘the wings’ of one’s life stage and make up the chorus, they play a vital and comforting part in all our lives.
Secondly he was a true gentleman, totally honest and slightly shy, however this always set you up when he exposed his sense of humour which was never at another’s cost but just plain old-fashioned funny! He always took great care over words he used.
Thirdly, as a sheep farmer would say ‘they are now picking from my pen’ and despite not being able to ever tell what has caused the road closure just over the hill, there is never any warning and we’re all driving on the same road.

Rest in peace, Anthony, you were a real gentle-man and it was my pleasure knowing you. What a great example you set. Goodbye old friend.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Lucky Chimney Sweeps!

Posted on March 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Luck comes in all shapes and sizes! This week I’ve discovered that Julie Andrews was right when, as Mary Poppins, she sang “A Sweep is as lucky as lucky can be!” For some time our Aga cooker has not been working properly. Aga repair man and magician, Duncan, was considering coming to stay on a permanent basis. We came to the conclusion that the fault lay within our chimney. Our usual sweep had retired so we stepped into the unknown, went online and trusted to luck…

Oh heaven’s above what can we do,
We need a chimney sweep to sort out our flue!
We went online, ‘sweeping services’ looking,
Mrs Bard is cross, she can’t do any cooking!
Mr Daniels and Gareth arrived on the scene,
They looked the real deal their faces weren’t too clean!
Out with the rods, the power vacuum too,
And as quick as a flash the first chimney like new!
Then to the kitchen, this was a different matter,
Sticks from nests soon descended with a clatter!
They cleaned up all the mess and thus proved to me,
A Sweep is as lucky as lucky can be!

The moral of the tale is twofold: Money spent on a good quality chimneyguard is money never wasted and a Smiling-Sweep is more than worth his weight in gold!
*Also available at http://www.chimneysweep.info/

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Bertie the Buzzard

Posted on March 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

As a farmer I consider myself lucky to be able to observe wild birds and animals at close quarters. Sometimes habits are observed that almost display human qualities. Occasionally I hand out names…

Bertie the Buzzard sits by the road,
On a thin branch that just copes with his load,
He watches the traffic, lorries and cars,
I wonder if his thoughts are similar to ours!
Has he worked out by observing behaviour,
That mans rushing about gives him roadkill to savour!
Or does he just sit there thinking of love?
That may possibly end with a mate from above,
Who circles the sky in sun and in rain,
Saying “There’s that Bertie – watching traffic again!”
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Ernest’s Underwear!

Posted on February 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

While shopping in M&S recently I watched a very ernest man of a certain age carefully place his purchases on the belt at the checkout. My immediate, rather uncharitable thought, was: ‘I hope mummy reminded him to put his vest on this morning!’ My second guess was correct, he did indeed have a small leather horseshoe-shaped purse…

Ernest shops in M&S,
Mummy told hIm for success:
“Always wear clean underwear
In case taken ill when you’re out there!”

“You will never be embarrassed
Whether London, Rome or indeed Paris!”
So Ernest always tries his best,
To wear clean pants and pristine vest!

Occasionally Ernest gets a date,
They see his vest and it’s too late!
They can’t look at his white tummy,
So quite content he returns to mummy!

With many apologies to Ernest’s everywhere!
English to American English translation: ‘Pants’ in this context mean knickers not trousers! However ‘Ernest’ would never say knickers without breaking into a nervous tittering girlie-giggle! His mother would not approve of such frivolous language!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Artistic Conundrums!

Posted on February 21, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

As grandparent child minders, Mrs Bard and I are expected to be multi talented. In fact I would venture to suggest that our artistic prowess has improved so much that an exhibition could follow soon…

Vincent van Goch,
Had a cough,
Fell into a water trough.
Claude Monet,
Didn’t stay,
Left him for another day.
Henri Matisse,
Called the police,
Then ran off with Gaugin’s niece.
Francis Bacon,
Thought he was taken,
Dragged him out shiverin’ and shakin’!
Georgia O’Keefe,
Witnessed his grief,
And slid a blanket underneath.
Edward Hopper,
Was improper,
Thought that he would come a cropper.
Roy Lichtenstein,
Thought it time,
To open up a bottle of wine!

…what Jackson Pollock did, history mercifully doesn’t relate!
With apologies to artists everywhere.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: People and Personalities

Jim Hits The Deck!

One Small Step!

Bank Holiday Paperwork!

The Garden Party

Let’s Go Fly A Kite… (modern version!)

The Road Closure

The Lucky Chimney Sweeps!

Bertie the Buzzard

Ernest’s Underwear!

Artistic Conundrums!