The Little Blue Coat!

Posted on February 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning I had my two-year-old granddaughter rushing around, screeching and winding the dogs up, all before 7.30! It was delightful, particularly on this very sad day for our family. Lately there has also been a little blue coat hanging on the back of the kitchen chair again. It is wonderful to see it being used.
It was once worn by my twenty-two-year-old son, David, who was killed in a car accident while at university twelve years ago today.
Julia Gillard, the former Australian Premier, summed up such loss in her speech at the tenth anniversary for those killed in the Bali bombings. She said: “… wounds and scars abound, healed and unhealed. But nothing can replace that empty seat at your family table, the graduations and christenings you will never know. And the fault line that will always divide your lives into two halves: ‘before’ and ‘after’…”

So today I remember the little boy in the blue coat and the young man he became, as the niece he never knew, runs around the farm he loved, wearing his old blue coat.

As his father, I’m still so proud of him.

There are two things I’d like you to do today:
First of all I’d like you to give any teenager or young person that you know a simple piece of advice that may just end up saving their lives: If they are in a car and not happy with the way it is being driven or they suspect the driver may have been drinking or is stoned, say: “I think I’m going to be sick”. This may mean a long walk home, but it’s better than not reaching home at all.
Secondly I want you to ring, text, Skype, Twitter, Facebook, MSN (or better still the old-fashioned face to face), your child (or anyone who is very precious to you) and say two words: “Love You”. These are the last two words I ever said to my son. How I wish I could utter them again, so I’m asking you to do it. Not for me, not for David, but for you.

Simon (aka Baldock Bard)

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Putin’s Lidl Surprise!

Posted on February 7, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Polish week in Lidl (as if you didn’t already know!). Amongst the shelves of Schab Pieczony, Tlyzcki and Golonka Kresowa is a bottle of vodka. “Okrzvki!” (cheers!) you may be thinking, however you’d possibly be wise not to use “Na Zdorovie!” (cheers in Russian!) as it may earn you a visit from the KGB…

Should President Putin solace seek,
He’d better miss Lidl today
There’s a liquid suggestion,
Of which he’ll no notice pay!

He’s had advice in the past,
From Washington to Rome,
Russian Soldiers in Ukrane,
Just Putin-off back home!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock ‘Prodazha avtomobiley zagruzki’ (car Boot Sale!)Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Och Aye! It’s Lidl

Posted on February 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

One of the great joys of shopping in Aldi or Lidl is the unexpected items you come across. The other day in Lidl, Mrs Bard and I came across some items of clothing from another country. Burns Night was a week ago, but who knows what goes on in Letchworth amongst the Scottish émigrés…

There are kilts for sale in Lidl,
(only four remain),
alongside an electric rice kettle,
and stuff to get rid of a stain!
There’s Scotch near the checkout,
and porridge in the aisle,
in fact enough to satisfy,
the choosiest Scottish exile!With apologies to anyone from ‘beyond the wall’ (Hadrian’s), I wish you a belated Happy Burns Night! (so does Lidl!)

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Stereotypes!

Posted on January 29, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had a telephone conference with a stereotypical pariah, who turned out to be extremely helpful and pleasant. It led me to consider how easy it is to take part in mass criticism and tar everyone with a ‘one-size-fits-all’ brush. Can you guess his occupation (answer at the end)…

All farmers are millionaires,
They drive around all day,
Shouting out instructions,
Never fling a bale of hay!
They always have a collie,
Who barks when folk walk by,
They’re always pleading poverty,
It’s enough to make you cry!
They’re always dressed in tweed,
Shoot anything that flies,
To open up their wallet,
With a crowbar prise!
They grub up all the hedgerows
Their face is always tanned,
They scream at any walkers:
“Get orf my ‘effin land!”

To Mike, my new Lloyds Bank manager and all those before him.

Peppa Pig and the Skinny Tyre!

Posted on January 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning Grand-daughter Bard and I sat watching Peppa Pig while her grandmother popped out to the shops. The episode was all about Grandpa Dog’s garage. Suzi Sheep (Peppa’s best friend), is out in the car with Mummy Sheep when they have a puncture and Grandpa Dog comes to the rescue. Little did I know that Grandpa Bard and Grand-daughter Bard were about to do the same…

“Help! I’ve got a puncture,
The tyre has gone flat,
I was about to do some shopping,
I guess that takes care of that!”
“Don’t you worry Grandma Bard,
We’ll be on our way,
The tyre will soon be changed,
It’ll look like child’s play!”

Arriving at the scene,
We noticed air was missing,
We put our ears to the tyre,
We could hear some hissing!
I searched in the boot,
For a wheel to change,
Underneath everything else,
A space-saver from another range!

But it seemed to fit,
I drove back like a nun!
And we all agreed,
We don’t want another one!
It looked easy on Peppa Pig,
Like falling off a log,
Next time we have a puncture,
We’ll call for Grandpa Dog!

You too can watch this episode here: (http://www.channel5.com/shows/peppa-pig/episodes/granddad-dogs-garage) With thanks to the real ‘Grandpa Dog’, John W. who came to my rescue when I couldn’t remove the punctured wheel from the car!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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National ‘Back Up Your Hard Drive Week!’

Posted on January 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Today is ‘Be Nice to a Chicken Day’ or ‘Take a Carrot to Work Day’ or something equally ridiculous! It is also a ‘non’ time that is still close to Christmas (the odd needle from the Christmas tree is still showing up in the vacuum cleaner) but not yet time to think about Easter Eggs and the possible cold wintery weather between! From recent personal experience I think it should be ‘Back up your Hard Drive Week’…

I’m without my Mac,
I’m getting pretty wet!
The laptop is unwell,
Backup I did forget.
It could have been worse,
It hadn’t been for long,
But backups are invaluable,
When everything else goes wrong.
Everyone should have a Lee,
Who rolls his eyes and says:
What have you done this time?
“No back up HOW MANY DAYS?”
So backup little and often,
Is the moral of this tale,
Or you’ll displease your Lee,
When your computer fail!

With thanks to Lee and the others at Encompass in Weston, Herts for yet again dealing with my incompetance (despite attempting to bar my entrance to their premises in an effort to ward off evil spirits!) They are a jolly crowd who are a pleasure to deal with who also posses ‘Magic Mac Fingers’

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Blue Car has a Fifth Wheel

Posted on January 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When guests have been to stay, their parting always leaves a vacuum. This New Year one guest made a spectacular parting which left us all speechless! What happened next may make you chuckle…

To protect her identity we’ll call her Flo,
This’ll save her reputation where-ere she go!
She waved goodbye on 2nd January morn,
Then drove her front wheel over our well-mown lawn!
We stood in wonder as she went off half cock,
Her rear wheel caught on a rather large rock!
Put there to protect the grass so real,
Not designed to be a car’s fifth wheel!
She got out and said: “Oh deary me!”
I went to fetch the JCB!

Thankfully nobody was hurt and a New Year Legend was born!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Christmas Eve

Posted on December 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Tonight sees the end of the most commercial run-ups to Christmas ever. This started with scenes of utter greed where shoppers fought over enormous flat-screen TV’s on Black Friday (only to find themselves unable to sell them on E-Bay later due to saturation of the market).

I thought of an ancient story that we all know so well. A man and his pregnant wife looking for somewhere to stay. I began to think this had been drowned out and forgotten. However, it is so far removed from the shopping scenes we’ve all witnessed, that the simplicity of the message will survive. Despite all the wrong in the world, babies keep coming!

This morning I was going to write a special Christmas Verse. This was planned to include: complicated verse structure, a cast of hundreds including elves, woodland scenes, snow, dancing goats, performing seals, and of course an old man with a long white beard. But, being a simple farmer, I have chosen simplicity…

I wish you a very Happy Christmas
(please pass on many times to everyone you meet today)

May you have a most wonderful Christmas surrounded by those you love.
Baldock Bard

Today’s verse is dedicated to two people who have done so much for our tiny village: Silka and Fiona, with thanks and love.

© Baldock Bard 2014
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Eric’s Mum

Posted on December 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Farming can be a lonely occupation. Some farmers will see less than a handful of people in the course of a week. I consider myself most fortunate, for the last 23 years from Easter to October, I have seen folk-a-plenty at my weekly Saturday car boot sales.

This week I lost one of my favourite customers, known to me simply as ‘Eric’s Mum’. When my son David was killed in a car accident 11 years ago, she said nothing, but simply held my hand. She knew that sometimes the simple act of holding hands can comfort when there is nothing to be said. She was kindness personified, had a gentle sense of humour and a smile that could light up even the dullest morning. When I saw her for the last time a week ago, I realised that I could add remarkable bravery to the list. Despite being so very poorly, she smiled that wonderful smile and chatted as if it on a day out rather than visiting her sickbed.

Wherever you are today and whatever you have planned, please set aside a moment to give a thought to Eric’s Mum and perhaps take the opportunity to smile at a stranger or do a random act of kindness in her memory.

Goodbye Eric’s Mum, thank you and God bless.

© Baldock Bard 2014
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Cornelius and The Hat!

Posted on December 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday in a local supermarket I bumped into a young man wearing what looked like a chicken on his head! He displayed that ‘devil may care’ sangfroid of someone I used to know many years ago…

Cornelius Smith (known as Max!),
Owned a selection of rather strange hats.
His most bizarre it must be said,
Was like a turkey perched on his head.
When unshaved, red-faced and puffing,
His face resembled the turkey’s stuffing!
Full of fun, jokes and facts,
That’s why everyone called him Max!

Happy Christmas Shopping Everyone!