Considerate Parking Enforcement!

Posted on January 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On Saturday Mrs Bard and a friend needed to visit a specialist cookery shop. I parked in the car park in St Neots, Cambridgeshire, fetched a ticket and waited for them. I witnessed an unusual sight. Maybe it was the lack of faux-military uniform and cap, but I witnessed an unexpected humanitarian act worthy of a Gold Star…

I was sitting in a car park, waiting for my wife
Who had popped to a shop, I think to buy a knife!
I noticed some movement, from the corner of my eye,
The parking attendant was on the prowl, not guilty was I.
I picked up the ticket from on top of the dashboard,
And waved it in her direction, as she stood by a Ford!
I went back to what, I’d been doing all along,
My gazed drifted back to her, something was wrong!
She peered through a windscreen and then slowly turning,
Looked around the car park for anyone returning,
Then as a last resort when nobody could she see,
She ticketed the car, I was glad it wasn’t me!
I walked over when she’d gone, this unusual act to view,
And noticed that the ticket was thirty minutes overdue.
There are many bad stories where parking is concerned,
But give this lady a gold star, respect has been well earned!

The Baldock Bard Gold Star is an occasional award when somebody or an organisation does something outstanding in their field and deserves commendation.
Previous Winners:
June 9th 2013 – Staff at the 3 Store, Stevenage
Nov 7th 2012 – Belinda at the Deli counter, ASDA Stevenage

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Gary’s Big Earth Give-away!

Posted on January 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I bought a large bag of crisps recently and noticed to my delight that not only was there a competition to win farmland on the packet, but also every purchaser was already a winner! I was so excited I almost rang our local machinery dealer to order extra machinery for this unexpected increase in acreage…

Hurrah, Hurrah! I’ve won some land,
To expand my farm,
it wasn’t planned!
I went out shopping the other night,
Bought a bag of crisps,
had quite a fright!
Gary Linaker’s gonna give me some earth,
Has he any idea,
of what it’s worth?
He doesn’t know yet but he’ll be sore,
It’s very valuable,
they not making more!
So I think I’ll have ten acres near Welwyn,
The owner doesn’t know
…I’ll let Gary tell him!

Unfortunately the packaging was disposed of before I had time to check my lucky code. However all credit to Walkers for their unique and tempting competition.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Behind Closed Doors (one shoe in the gutter)

Posted on January 16, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was reading yesterday about a famous couple going through difficulties in their relationship. The article focused on their war of attrition as told by an ‘insider’. I wondered how far warring couples could go before a demilitarized zone fence was built. I was quite surprised at the offensive strategies surrounding the 49th Parallel. This is fiction – do not try this at home, put away the tongue and step away from the argument…

When in an argument Monique held sway,
Something of hers Francois threw away!
First a dress, of which she said, ‘je t’adore,’
Then a favourite shoe flew out of the door!

What he didn’t know, whenever he was mean,
Toilet with his toothbrush she did clean!
This in turn made him run,
To the toilet, (recycling is fun!)

Even the dog would play his part,
When they had guests, a silent fart,
A ‘Muttley’ chuckle when each other blame,
He often played this successful game!

Misty the the cat knew how to play,
Used duvet before litter tray,
So at bedtime a shocking treat,
The first to bed, smeared on their feet!

Last weekend she went too far,
Lobbed the keys to his brand new car.
As a result he was ultra-mean,
Mixed her hair dye, resulted in green!

You’d think no lower could they sink,
She put laxatives in his drink!
He with an eye to get even,
Used chicken stock even though she’s vegan!

But alas this hostility could not last,
With open warfare escalating fast,
When love is prostrate on the floor,
Lawyers queue up to knock on the door!

Postman Bob’s Final Countryside Round

Posted on January 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you know your postie’s name? Chances are that if you live in a town or city he delivers while you are away at work. Here in the sticks we are far more likely to share a quick word with her or him as we tend to work close to home. Today we lose our postman Bob. Some invisible layer of overpaid management has decreed that he is not senior enough to be in charge of this rural round. I know we will get used to having a different deliverer, but that won’t stop us missing ‘Our Bob’.

So it’s fond adieu,
It’s the final day,
Of Bob delivering,
Around our way.
We who are,
Countryside clan,
Will miss the humour
From his little red van!
So thank-you Bob,
For making us laugh,
As now you head up,
A different path!
And as for ladies,
If you please,
They’re bound to miss,
Your knobbly knees!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Impact of Last Years Words!

Posted on January 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

As with any year, words played a great part in 2013. However one person showed how important it is to have even a smattering of understanding when there is a translator doing the talking…

Imagine if…
During an important meeting,
Where let’s say, missiles are the topic,
The translator translating to a president the words of the president opposite,
Suddenly whispers:
“Oh, and by the way, he likes the way you’ve done your hair this morning and asks if you fancy going up to his suite for a coffee later?”
When in truth the president the other side of the table had said:
“I can see no way forward in reducing medium range missiles as you won’t reduce your long range rockets”
Or…
The unsuccessful job applicant who uses a free internet translation service that turns ‘yours sincerely’ into ‘your mother has the knees of a chicken and your sister the tongue of a snake!’
Or…
If Thamsanqa Jantjie, when ‘signing’ at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela had translated President Obamas speech as “Blah, Blah, Blah, Elephant, Giraffe, tiger, Lion!”
I think Mandela would have smiled.
If reports of his sense of humour are true, perhaps he smiled anyway!
Here’s wishing you and yours health and happiness in 2014…
…and watch those words!

Two Different Styles!

Posted on December 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I’ve had a shock! I looked into the mirror this morning and an old man gawked back! But that is not all: This week I had a Victor Meldrew moment and found myself saying: “in my day it was totally different!” So I’ll soon be Zimmer-bound, completely toothless and able to block a Tesco aisle with my Geri-scooter! But again, that is not all: I was talking to someone much younger about a famous role model and discovered to my horror that we were talking about two different people from different eras who almost share a surname. Don’t worry about me, I’m off to spend my day in a wing-backed chair in front of television I no longer understand or hear…

I was looking through some very old files
When I came across a picture of Nobby Stiles,
Few front teeth and a terrible stare,
Went through footballers as if they weren’t there
Opposing players got their kicks
He played for England in ‘66
Then into management, medals were sold,
To keep his family when he grew old

Harry Styles has his life planned
As part of a successful young boy band
Sold out venues for their managed show
Screaming girls in every row!
With perfect teeth and floppy hair
Even mothers have an open-mouth stare!
No need to worry about pension projection,
He’ll only be travelling in one direction!

Joey the Wood-Carrier!

Posted on December 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

My one-year, two-month-old granddaughter has a new boyfriend! Now before you cry fowl, it is at her instigation and despite offering him her precious monkey’s tail (which she sucks, is rancid and thankfully not normally offered), Joey (as we’ll call him!) is totally innocent of any wrong-doing. He lives in New York and is a model. However ladies, he is unique, not only is he easy on the eye and remarkably good company, but he carries and fetches as well (especially wood!)…
The ladies of the village,
Fell into a swoon,
When Joey (who’s a model),
Walked into the room.

He was soon surrounded,
By ladies of all ages,
Clucking and a coo-ing,
More than they do for babies!

Was I at all jealous?
As green-eyed monster can?
No, not a bit of it,
He’s a lovely caring man!

Some day when he’s famous,
As I’m sure he’ll be,
He’ll be welcomed back to the village,
By the ladies, granddaughter, and me!
Joey is off back to New York shortly, North Hertfordshire will miss him!
Visit again soon and Bon Voyage.

There Goes A Man Passing By!

Posted on December 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Of all the millions of words spoken about Nelson Mandela in the last 24hrs, the following are some of the most heartfelt and stirring. I have no idea who wrote these words, but all I can say is that I wish they were mine…

Quiet, brothers.
There goes a man passing by,
he waves farewell
And it’s the last.
There is only one like him,
Note him well.

ANON

We all have our ‘Mandela’ stories, this is mine!
As Nelson Mandela was being released from jail, I was kneeling in cow muck with a Channel Four news crew, trying to keep a calf from deserting the shot while attempting to explain the complex issues surrounding EEC farm policy! I could feel the warm poo soaking through my trousers. After three hours the crew called it a day and returned to London with the passing comment, “It’ll be on tonight at seven.” Needless to say I was upstaged that evening by Nelson Mandela, something I didn’t begrudge in the slightest. The trousers never recovered their ordeal and ended up on a scarecrow, I ended up on the cutting room floor and as for Nelson Mandela, the rest is history!

Encompass Ride to My Rescue! (Never fear the cavalry’s here!)

Posted on November 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

In life there are times to compromise and there are times to bite the bullet. It is a well-known fact that over 75% of creative people use, or would like to use, an Apple product of some description. This small offering has been conceived on an iPhone and then birthed on a MacBook Pro. However when misfortune strikes a Mac you have to look further than your neighbour’s spotty teenage son. Often you’ll find he has not enough knowledge to be useful, but just enough to destroy a PC! I am very lucky to have a group of Macxperts just two miles away…

I had a little MacBook,
Nothing would compare,
But a silver iMac,
Or a MacBook Air!

I used it for the boot sales,
I used it for the farm,
I used it for this daily blog
Was just like my right arm!

One day it was working,
The next day it was not,
It had fallen on the floor,
Didn’t survive the four foot drop!

The next door neighbour’s son,
Wouldn’t be going to touch it,
He’d had a go at their PC,
And dropped them in the sh*t!

So I went along to Encompass,
Macxperts, you know,
They configured me a new machine,
Now I find I’m systems ‘Go!’

Encompass can be found at http://encompassuk.com
or at Unit 1, Weston Barns, Weston, Herts, SG4 7AX
Take it from me, they’re great at all things Mac and more!

History Replanted!

Posted on November 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

This weekend saw the 50th anniversary of the assassination of President John F Kennedy. Of particular note was the minute by minute following of the action by BBC Radio 2. However some places seemed to have scrubbed history some time ago…

Where was I when JFK was shot?
I really cannot remember,
All I know from those years ago,
I was eight and it was November!

They dedicated a garden,
In the centre of Letchworth town,
A change of mind at Millenium,
Saw the garden turn all brown!

So now it’s Millenium Garden,
Replaced the Kennedy name,
It’s not bad, just rather sad,
The town’s just not the same.

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: People and Personalities