The Jolly Sailor!

Posted on November 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Each week here in the UK, 26 pubs call time and shut their doors never to reopen. In some areas they become dwellings. Occasionally the name of the new house becomes the sole legacy of its former use. Recently I drove past an abandoned pub, complete with sign swinging on rusty hinges. It was derelict and called the Jolly Sailor…

Salty Sutton was a jolly sailor,
Sailed the Seven Seas,
But the greatest achievement in his life,
Was to down a pint with ease!
One time on leave from a tanker ship,
He returned to his old town,
No one had thought to tell him,
His local had closed down.
He went that night to another pub,
“You bastards!” he did cry,
“I turned my back for just six months,
And you drank my local dry!”
He stormed off to the dockside,
By now he’d had his fill,
And signed on for the nearest ship,
Heading for Brazil.
Nobody’s ever heard,
Of Salty Sutton since,
There’s talk he shares an apartment,
With a Brazillian chap called Vince!
The pub stands quiet and empty,
Still the doors a-shut-un!
Some say it’s due to an evil curse,
Evoked by Sailor Sutton!

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Emergency Toolbox!

Posted on November 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you have an emergency toolbox? Have you checked its contents recently? Over the weekend there was a flood in the airing cupboard. I’m afraid to admit that panic set in as I hadn’t heard a Met Office flood warning, seen evidence of animal collection two-by-two or noticed less pressure in the shower. I reached for my emergency toolbox. There in the corner, next to the spanner-that-fits-nothing, the bolty-thing that came from the delivery of a washing machine years ago and the famous wallplugs-of-many-colours, sat Alex and Matt waiting patiently to help….

You’re having an emergency,
There’s water on the floor,
Don’t go around the bend,
Phone a friend,
That’s what friends are for!

Mastering the Wind and Waves!

Posted on November 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever watched a sport where you have not the faintest idea what is happening? Last weekend I watched Jamie Drummond, a Freestyle Windsurfer, in action at a competition in Weymouth, Dorset. Despite having driven from Vassaliki, Greece, where he is based with water-sport holiday company Ocean Elements (http://www.ocean-elements.com), he gave a masterful performance in 50 knot winds to deservedly be placed first equal. I heard him use phrases like ‘Spock’ and ‘Kono’ but despite becoming an instant expert in a baffling sport, have to admit I’m none the wiser…

Jamie Drummond is riding the waves,
The wind is howling (or sick!)
He’s managed to fall numerous times,
As he performs his latest trick!
Did I just see a ‘Burner’?
Perhaps a Shaka or Loop?
His Ponch must be worth many prizes,
While he pulls off a new Betty Boop!
If I were to take to the water,
I’d sink like a drunken waiter!
So for all concerned, I have learned,
It’s best that I’m a spectator!

That Time of Year in Baldock Again!

Posted on October 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

If you’re thinking of driving through Baldock today you’d better breathe in! The normally spacious High Street with its grassed piazzas and large car park has vanished. Even the market stalls have been pushed up to huddle next the Town Hall like three old ladies on a seafront in February. The Charter Fair has arrived in town. Love it or hate it you have to admire the resilience of the showmen who have fared worse than most in these difficult times…

I saw Thomas by the ‘Teacups’,
We exchanged a word maybe three,
He’d been setting up since daybreak,
He looked up at the sky with a plea:

“Please may it not rain tonight,
Please may it stay dry all week,
Because if it is raining,
Despite all my training,
Takings will be harder to seek!”

Naturally I was sympathetic,
The forecast was not bad today,
I crossed my fingers for his fair ride,
And the others for me, Saturday!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Stage Coach!

Posted on September 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I watched a gaggle of elderly ladies board a coach. I was expecting a quiet and genteel scene befitting of their advancing years. However when I considered the scene my thoughts went from almost pity to admiration. Here was a group leading the fight against the inevitable wing-backed chair in front of the over-loud television. They were seeing things, doing things and providing a vanguard for the future us…

Ethel along with her sister Flo,
Board a coach and off they go!
Today ‘Castles and Mountains’ it may be,
Tomorrow across the Irish sea!
They always try to book with Stan,
Because they say, “He’s such a nice man!”
When they arrive at the latest attraction,
It comforting to have the same reaction!
“Be back in an hour,” Stan will agree,
There’s time for the gift shop, time for tea.
When full of youth it was a treat,
To rush with your friends to bag the back seat!
Now in ‘Golden Years’, their pace is slow,
Right up front they like to go!
Out come the needles and with a tit, tit, tit,
Aged fingers on auto-knit!
Grand-nephews and nieces with silent oaths,
Unwrap with horror coach-made clothes!

One day soon they’ll be tied to a chair,
There’ll be no time to sit and stare,
They’ll spend their days and entertain,
With stories from the road again!
So neither sad nor sorry be,
The coach keeps them mobile and full of tea!

The Bobby Dazzler!

Posted on September 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s not often these days (certainly this far from the Capital) that you see anyone who might be termed ‘dapper’. The ability to dress up with any degree of smartness just to walk down to the town has largely disappeared. However yesterday morning while waiting at the traffic lights, I had to grab my iPhone as I knew you’d never believe what I saw. Dapper is alive, well and living in Baldock…

When driving by the station,
As commuters dash,
To the train for London,
Avoiding puddles that may splash!
I didn’t expect a bowler hat,
Those days have surely gone,
But what a scruffy bunch they are,
Daves and Janes (and Ron!)

Driving back through Baldock,
While waiting at the lights,
I had to grab my smart phone,
To put this all to rights!
There was Mister Dapper,
He even doffed his hat,
It restored my faith in characters,
They’ve not all gone to fat!

His shoes were brightly polished,
His gloves were calf-skin clean,
His overcoat hit just the note,
Was he going to meet the Queen?
Without such characters in the world,
A sadder place for all,
So here’s to Mister Dapper,
An example to us all!

Come Dine With Gordana!

Posted on September 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the years, the car boot sale has attracted all sorts of visitors. It has seen its fair share of artists. They can be found either looking for inspiration from the beautiful gently rolling hills or choosing materials from the array of different stalls. One such artist is Gordana from Stevenage…

Gordana’s an artist you see,
Been a regular since ’93.
She’s sunflower mad,
That can’t be all bad,
Sounds perfectly fine to me!

She lives beside the A1,
In the ‘Sunflower House’, what fun!
Tonight famous she’ll be,
On ‘Come Dine With Me!’
Will she win the large tray’d cash sum?

Watch Gordana on Channel Four’s Come Dine With Me, this evening, September 11^th at 5pm.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

A Surprise on the Menu!

Posted on September 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

On Sunday evening Mrs Bard and I went out to the Allimentum restaurant in Cambridge for their Sunday Supper Club. Mark Pointon, the Head Chef, likes to tease and surprise with his novel dishes and try out new ideas on customers on a Sunday evening once a month. However this time I was in for more than a culinary surprise. Just as we were called to our tables a fellow-diner who we’d not seen for over twenty years approached us!
Bryan and I went to college together to study agriculture, nearly forty years ago. That we met in Cambridge is not that remarkable, however the fact that Mrs B and I had been discussing him and what he might possibly be up to, not ten minutes before, as we drove to the restaurant, is beyond coincidence.
The last time we met he was selling teak garden furniture at an agricultural show. I clearly remember at the time thinking that his talents were being wasted. You see, Bryan has always been a ‘fixer’. At college it was obvious that his talents lay in organising, therefore to find him selling garden furniture had been incongruous to say the least!
I am pleased to be able to say that he has, very successfully by the look of it, found his niche in life as an organiser of world-wide corporate golf.
As I am used to looking in the mirror every morning at a face that resembles a bag of spanners, it is with a small portion of ‘Les yeux vert’ that he has aged so well.
For someone who dreads any form or reunion, it was great to catch up with him, once I’d recovered from the shock!
Oh! I nearly forgot, amongst all the excitement, the food was so good I almost licked the plate…

To enjoy Bryan’s organisational skills for your corporate golfing event go to http://www.golffish.co.uk

To enjoy Mark Pointon’s exceptional food at the Michelin-starred Allimentum go to http://www.restaurantalimentum.co.uk

Harvest Home!

Posted on August 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We finished harvest yesterday just before lunchtime. By two o’clock were sitting in Cambridge crematorium to say goodbye and celebrate the life of Mike Windsor. As I sat there I realised that two harvests had been completed. Mike had been a gentle man, in all senses of the description. He was a ‘welcomer’: wherever he was , whatever he was doing, whoever he was with, he’d greet you with enthusiasm. I’m not going to go all holy, but if there is another room, one of the many people I would hope to see there would be Mike. Harvest is done…

The fields are dustless and silent,
The combine harvester’s not there,
The crops are safely in the barn,
Thoughts now turn elsewhere.

Rows of silent mourners,
Under that sad-place’s dome,
Where people also gather,
To celebrate “harvest home”.

Ron Middleton and the Harvest Rabbit!

Posted on August 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

As I was watching oats into the grain store yesterday, I was joined by an old friend. Mick and I go back over thirty years, and as happens when two old farts get together, we reminisced. Years ago the combine harvesters were smaller, harvest was a more drawn-out affair and the fields were alive with rabbits. We spoke of dear old Ron Middleton, and how during harvest he used to walk alongside the combine hoping to bag a rabbit or two for the pot…

Like a slightly arthritic,
Elma Fudd,
Ron walks beside the combine,
Waiting for a rabbit,
To show itself.
Tommy,
(Who used to drive the harvester),
Toots his horn,
To announce a sighting.
Ron steadies himself,
Raises the shotgun in anticipation,
And slides the safety catch to ‘off’.
The rabbit shows itself,
In front of the hungry machine,
Hoppity hoppity hop!
Bang!
Bang!
The rabbit looks around,
Its ears erect,
Dirt,
Straw and chaff,
Spray the area.
With resignation,
And a shrug of its rabbit shoulder,
The rabbit vanishes into the hedge!
For the next five minutes,
Old Ron,
Searches the long grass,
For a result,
That never was!
On the far side of the hedge,
The rabbit,
Unaware if this frantic activity,
Is on its way home,
For tea!
Hoppity hoppity hop!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: People and Personalities