A Grand National Hindsight!

Posted on April 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Hindsight is a wonderfully useless gift! Last Saturday, all my stars were lined up in a row, the Ides (of April) were predicting great things, and more black cats crossed my path than you could shake a tin of Whiskas at. So what did I do? Did I bless the handful of lucky heather, pick seven four-leafed clovers and ignore the row of ladders? I’m not a betting man, I wouldn’t know the inside of a betting shop from a ladies hairdresser, so was not contemplating donating to a local bookmaker just because it was Grand National Saturday. However when a Facebook entry from Aurora D read: ‘Aurora’s Encore 66/1… No brainer’, I was willing to step over the portal with spondoolies in my grubby hand…

What was I thinking?
What didn’t I do?
I can’t believe this can be true!
The greatest tip,
I’ve ever had,
66/1 odds weren’t so bad!

In the town,
Granddaughter in tow,
I forgot to bet, don’t you know?
Looked it up,
Mobile Internet,
Outside Waitrose, won’t forget!

The race is run,
Quarter past four,
And the winner is – Aurora’s Encore!
Then I thought,
It’s only money,
Granddaughter giggled, now that was funny!

With apologies to Aurora D, as on July 24^th 2012, I suggested that we watch this one as she would set new trends in the history of Auroras (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=900). I ignored my own prediction and therefore have tended my resignation from the Union of Soothsayers and Predictors (Baldock Branch) with immediate effect. (It should also be noted by the prosecution team, that she is also one of my Granddaughter’s Godmothers and so I am in double-dip-doo-doo!)

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Living in Interesting Times!

Posted on April 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There are those who point at the leader of North Korea and laugh. There are some who are imprisoned in vast gulags for doing just that, and then there are those who are extremely concerned about the prospect of military action. It is a complicated scenario with an unsteady clown taking centre stage. The late Billy Reeks, from our village, lost his youthful innocence on that peninsular in the early fifties during National Service, let’s pray the lunacy can be tamed. An old Chinese saying, that can either be taken as a blessing or a curse, says: May you live in interesting times…

Kim (son of Il) went down the hill,
to look across the water!
Kim looked round,
and blearily frowned,
And contemplated slaughter!
Kim went back to Pyongyang,
to wave at a marching troop,
He made a play
at the US of A
With rhetoric and theoretical nuke!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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A Family Favourite!

Posted on March 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever met anyone famous? Did they look the same as on TV or film? I don’t circulate in circles where this is at all likely (to be perfectly honest, I don’t really feel as if I’ve missed out!). However I did once see a famous person at a wedding in London. Mrs Bard’s aged Aunty Gwenda strode up to him and asked who he was. The target of her questioning was none other than Frank Thornton, at that time known to all, as Captain Peacock from the sitcom “Are You Being Served’ (it was before he joined the cast of Last of the Summer Wine). He was dressed appropriately in a morning suit (after all it was a wedding!), with his trademark red rose buttonhole. In real life he looked true to his character, however he was a kind and generous man who seemed almost embarrassed by the recognition. It was announced yesterday that he had died, he will always be our ‘Family Favourite’…

We were at a family wedding,
At a smart venue in town,
When Mrs Bard’s Aunty Gwenda,
Approached a guest with a frown:

“Young Man!
Who are you?
We all recognise you,
So you must be on our side?”

The man was tall and distinguished,
A rose in his lapel,
We suddenly realised who he was:
Captain Peacock, we could tell!

The beauty of this story is,
Kindness for all to see,
It might have been different (if she’d asked):
“Captain Peacock, Are you free?”
Thanks to the Bride and Groom, Fee and Chris Cox, for the opportunity to be able to say: “I once saw somebody famous!”
Frank Thornton 1921-2013
A kind and generous man.

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Del Boy’s Uncle Albert!

Posted on March 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever seen a famous person in your local town? Last week I was crossing the car park in Baldock and was so surprised to see who was driving an MGB, that I was almost run over! I have no idea if it was him, or even if he’s still alive, but I just had to take the photo for you to see (otherwise you’d never believe me!)…

Uncle Albert drives a soft-top
There’s not room for Del in there,
I’m fairly certain it was him,
Daz-white beard and snow-white hair!

But then I went and spoilt the illusion,
Looked it up on Google, see!
The actor died in ’99,
So now his brother drives his MGB!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Hattie Hooker Hat!

Posted on March 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I always like to buy imaginative gifts (although I don’t often succeed!). In early December I spotted an imaginative Christmas present for Son-in-law Bard. I was searching the trading site Etsy (http://www.etsy.com) when there it was! Unfortunately the rest of the world had the same idea, and despite her best intentions, demand meant that the Hattie Hooker (www.hattiehooker.com), was unable to deliver in time for the festive season. The present arrived last week and Son-in-law Bard seemed well pleased…

I bought Son-in-law Bard a hat,
That I’d seen on line.
It didn’t come for Christmas,
But no, I didn’t whine!
The postman arrived the other day
to deliver an impressive pack
All the way from the USA
I wasn’t sending it back!

So now he looks like a knight of old
At least his ears won’t be getting cold!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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Modern Regency Bath!

Posted on March 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday was a crisp frosty morning. On the way to cultivate some land ready for drilling beans I ran into Dolly the Horse’s support team. Apparently Dolly’s mummy, Charlotte, had gone on a hen weekend to Bath. I though Bath was very much a genteel, quiet-mannered, old-fashioned town, more used to literary festivals and time-warpers who dressed like Jane Austin. I was obviously wrong! The thought of it as a centre for raucous pre-marital high-jinks seemed an alien concept, however if it suits for Bath then there might just be hope for Baldock…

A hen party went to Bath,
Simply to have a laugh.
It wasn’t the drink,
Made them sick in the sink,
But a curry that made them all barf!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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St David’s Day

Posted on March 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Today is St David’s Day. As the patron saint of Wales it is a day to celebrate all that is Welsh. Many Welshmen hope that the celebration carries over to March 16th when they play the ‘Old Enemy’ (England) rugby team in Cardiff. In my case it is also a day when I remember all those in the little Welsh village of Pembrey who welcomed a rather strange Englishman into their family so many years ago, they may mostly be gone now but the memory remains, diolch…

I wandered lonely on the hill,
On a mountain outside Rhyl
When all at once I saw yellow frills,
A host, of golden daffodils;

This can’t be the Lake District
With rain and gales!
On March the First,
This must be WALES!

With apologies (and respect) to W. Wordsworth Esq.
Thanks to Petr Kratochvil for the picture http://www.publicdomainpictures.net
Also a massive thank you to all of you who have visited this blog in my first year, all 25,390 of you! A million thanks to you all!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Chirpy the Chicken!

Posted on February 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

As I get older I’m getting softer, or so everybody tells me! Last week we had a death on the farm. Chirpy the Chicken. She was a natural show-off: right from when she was hatched, if a camera was pointed in her direction she’d assume it was for her and preen. She’d also rush to greet visiting groups of schoolchildren assuming that they were on the farm just to see her! Despite having other chickens roaming the farmyard she was always special, we’re going to miss her…

Chirpy’s mother was a duck!
Who was most surprised to hatch her,
Ever since then she’s hogged the limelight,
No other chick could catch her!
As she grew she liked attention,
For children she would run,
She’d show off as if on the stage,
And sometimes show her bum!
In harvest she played ‘chicken’!
With the giant wheels of the trailer,
I’d be waving it into the store,
Her courage never failed her!
We discovered her body without her head,
And buried her in a box,
She’s been denied retirement,
By a bloody murdering fox.
RIP Chirpy.

© Baldock Bard 2013
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An Ordinary Saturday Night in Baldock!

Posted on February 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I had a very ordinary Saturday night in. Chinese takeaway with the latest Bond film on DVD. My assignment was to collect a top-secret package from Baldock and deliver it, still hot, to the table…

In the Golden Rickshaw in Baldock,
The counter-man stood there ‘real hard’,
In a deep voice he asked for my name,
I replied: “Bard,” (with a gap) “Baldock Bard!”

I left through the door with the package,
Checked both ways (so by the book!),
Missed by an inch by a white van,
I shot him (a real dirty look!).

By the bank just up the High Street,
A beauty offered poisoned-deep-Posset,
I pushed her into the Cashpoint,
Where she made a no-interest deposit!

Just outside Chapman’s the butchers,
I tackled a crafty Fu-Man-Chew,
I threw him back through the window,
And said “it’s been nice to meat you too!”

Further along by Days the Bakers,
A giant – steel teeth in his head.
I fought him off with some Rock Cakes,
Two donuts and some handy sliced bread.

Two baddies on bikes tried to chase me,
I reversed my car in a hurry.
They crashed through the window of the Lancer,
I presume they were after a curry!

I reached home with the takeaway still hot,
Mrs Bard watched me straighten my tie,
“Was it busy or quiet in Baldock?”
“Just the usual, quite quiet” said I!
Dedicated to Ailsa and Mark ‘Bond’ with thanks for the reminder that nobody does it better than 007!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Grandfather Bard and the Goats!

Posted on February 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was granddaughter-sitting the other day when she became restless and started to cry. I knew her nappy (diaper for my American readers!) was dry/clean and she had recently been fed. So I put on a silly hat hoping it would help calm the situation. When that made no difference I resorted to marching up and down singing a made-up song. This went well until I ran out of intelligent lyrics and had to improvise as I sang. Needless to say, even though she’s just 5 months-old, my granddaughter is wondering if I am possibly not the best role model she could have…

Did you know that mountain goats,
Keep their cheese in the pockets of their coats?
Just in case one should fall,
They distribute the rounds amongst them all.
In case they find that they are hungry,
They carry biscuits and ironmongery.

Lowland goats are a different breed,
Go to the beach to collect seaweed!
They paddle in the rising tide,
Build sandcastles with stones inside!
Then with ice-cream (rhubarb and pomme!)
They go racing down the prom!

If you meet a goat on the London train,
Be polite and please refrain,
from asking “Could I have some cheese?”
Because a refusal may not please!
Just raise your hat and always respect her,
She’s probably hiding from the ticket inspector!
Mountain goat picture found on QOOP.com

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: People and Personalities

A Grand National Hindsight!

Living in Interesting Times!

A Family Favourite!

Del Boy’s Uncle Albert!

The Hattie Hooker Hat!

Modern Regency Bath!

St David’s Day

Chirpy the Chicken!

An Ordinary Saturday Night in Baldock!

Grandfather Bard and the Goats!