Category Archives: People and Personalities

The Lost Gift!

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Some years ago I entered an annual competition for writers run by the San Luis Obispo Times in California. The object was to write a complete story in less than 55 words. This was my winning entry that has lain in a file gathering dust ever since!
May you have a wonderful Christmas surrounded by those you love.
Baldock Bard

The Lost Gift
The Wise Men had followed the star for many days.
They were a congenial group who, apart from one, discussed many important topics as they traveled.
The Fourth Wise Man, being never wrong, turned left into the desert, and it was nearly two thousand years before the world rediscovered plastic.

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Media Event of the Year!

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Please note! Picture posed by cardboard cut-outs that vaguely resemble famous people. Serving Suggestion Only

Just in case you’ve not heard the news – The most important royal event for 30 years has been announced! Whether boy or girl – a guaranteed new heir to the throne! Any responsible parent will have tremendous sympathy for the royal couple as they have been forced to announce the event well before reasonable expectations of an announcement. We can only wish them luck as they face their trial by media, both social and traditional…

The headlines headline
The commentators commentate
It’s a royal pregnancy
For Will and Kate!

All we can do
Is hope and pray
That mother and baby
Will be OK!

In the midst
Of all this fuss
Let’s be grateful
It’s not us!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Fisherman’s Box!

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Have you ever been going somewhere very ordinary, to do something very ordinary and found something very extraordinary? This morning I went down to Baldock to get some cash from the ATM. As the marketplace was taken up by a craft fair I had to park what seemed to be miles away from the bank (Yes, my fitness programme has gone the same way as my diet!). On the pavement at the far end of the High Street (almost opposite Tesco’s) was a display of old wooden Mussel and Prawn boxes. For Baldock (some 100 miles from the sea) this was so random I had to investigate…

I went down to the Baldock Market,
Took the car was nowhere to park it!
On the pavement was a show,
Of fishermen’s boxes from years ago!
You know how in ASDA they have a ‘Greeter’,
Well in Staffy B’s they have a ‘Meeter!’
Freddie welcomes you to his shop,
“Stroke me now! Oh please don’t stop!”
The shop is full of Christmas ideas,
Signs and frames but no reindeers!
Today mince pies and mulled wine,
(Not available when you shop online!).
I bought Mrs Bard a fisherman’s box,
A safer gift than Fort Knox!
If you can’t get to visit them today,
Visit staffybhome.co.uk!

With many thanks to Toni and Hayley (and Freddie too) for the delicious mince pie!
www.staffybhome.co.uk

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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A Solicitor’s Pie!

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Ailsa, my trusty solicitor, has a wicked sense of humour. Her idea of fun is to E-mail me pictures of food she knows I cannot resist. Her latest attempt to push me over the edge came in the form of her latest construction. Thanks to her bake-off with a friend I’m now salivating like a fire hydrant…

I was sitting quietly at my desk,
Doing nothing wrong, no chance of arrest.
When an E-mail arrived from my solicitor,
(she’s renown for being a hunger-facilitor!)

She’d been baking, I don’t know why,
And sent a picture of an exceptional pie!
The next picture was the one that broke,
A tasty inside to destroy a bloke.
Bacon and chicken with apricots,
Built for a man, not for tots!
The merest picture made me groan,
And from the mouth I began to foam!

This little trick is fading of course,
But leaves me wanting to eat a horse.
Thankfully I’ve got hidden stock,
Not of abstinence but a stick of rock!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Movember Matteo!

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This morning I overslept and missed my self-imposed deadline. I also suffered another failing; what was I going to write about, how long would it take and would it sink far enough down to the normal level of skillful writing? I sat down with a blank screen and mind to work without even a coffee to bolster my spirits…

Woke up this morning I was late,
The clock on the wall read nearly eight.
I grabbed a shirt from the drawer,
An arm ripped off onto the floor!
I rushed downstairs to let the dogs out,
Fell over my shoes, did I shout.
Made a coffee in a favourite cup,
From the floor had to clear it up!
Looked at the news from every nation,
And onto Facebook for inspiration!
There was a picture of a friend,
Matteo seemed to be setting a trend.
The hair that should be upon his head,
Had slipped around his mouth instead!
But I suppose we ought to remember,
We’re now in the month of Movember!
Wife Hazel seems a little upset
While he’s asleep, a razor get?
So here’s to Matteo and Hazel too,
I’d delete that picture if I were you!

Well done Matteo for having the courage that I lack (at least your facial hair is dark whereas I’d look like an aged and demented Father Christmas!)

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Get Her Out of There!

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The MP for Bedfordshire West has surprised her constituents and party by taking part in ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!’ on ITV. Opinion is divided as to what her fate should be, however most agree it’s not the behaviour expected of a serving Member of Parliament…

Deep in the jungle something has stirred,
A ‘celebrity’ MP of whom nobody’s heard!
She claims she’s engaging with her youth vote,
So far she’s only been seen in a sinking boat!

Back home she missed the Armistice parade
Sounds less important than the money she’s made.
She’s apparently offered to charity her appearance fee,
She may need it all when she’s not an MP!

To avoid eviction every vote will now count,
She can’t claim the trip on her expense account.
Bedfordshire voters may soon make it clear:
“Nadine Dorries, please get out of here!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Bob the Postman!

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So many things in life have changed over the years. Most of the time change is only noticed when it’s too late. In rural locations the daily visit from the postman with his little red van is so much more important than just the delivery of letters. They are important eyes and ears, not just spotting rural crime but also keeping a friendly eye on the elderly and infirm in isolated properties. Perhaps when politicians and managers are next considering the way forward for Royal Mail this should be taken into consideration as an argument for continued public ownership, rather than discriminating once again against countryside-dwellers.

Bob, our postman has no fear,
He wears shorts throughout the year.
Come high winds snow or rain,
He’ll be wearing shorts again!

Without our Postmen we’d be lost,
We must keep them at all cost.
You can tell it’s Bob from half a mile,
Because he also wears a smile!

Dedicated to all our Posties who are a constant source of national pride at a time when the helpfulness of individuals is often overlooked.

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Car Boot Sale returns after Easter 2013!
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The Crumbly Remnant!

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Yesterday I happened to come across the remaining half-slice of my (last-Friday’s) birthday cake. I couldn’t possibly see it go to waste. After all it’ll be 361 days at least until the experience can be repeated…

The birthday cake is finished
The candles have all burnt down
The last half-slice is orphaned
Not enough left to go round

I’d better end its misery
Pop it in my mouth
Savor the very last morsel
My bulk is moving south!

But my little Granddaughter
Her first words said with ease
Pointed towards her gaping mouth
And said to me “CAKE PLEASE!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Car Boot Sale returns after Easter 2013!
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The Baldock Dragon!

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A man in Baldock owns a dragon! He holds down a managerial position, has a mortgage and a mid-range Ford, yet believes he owns a dragon. It is a sign of our strange times that a perfectly sensible man can be so addicted to an internet gaming site that it has skewed his grip on reality. Must away to work on my virtual farm and feed the unicorns…

A bloke I know has a dragon
A secret from his wife
His workmates all tell him
He’s got to get a life!

He’s had it for a fortnight
It’s the pet he loves the most
It came across the cat
The pussy’s now a roast!

He’s concerned for its welfare
Is careful what it’s eating
He says it will be useful
To power the central heating!

The neighbours are concerned
Their stress levels are complete
They’ve been on to the council
Scorch marks in the street!

He even named it Sandra
(After his wife of course)
Someone went and told her
Now it’s the dragon or divorce!

© Baldock Bard 2012

Thanks to Paul from www.scottcampers.com for the story (give him a VW van and some cash and he’ll convert it to a campervan you’ll want to show the neighbours!).
If you have any unusual friends, hobbies or hang-ups please let me know as I’m always on the look-out for inspirational topics.

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The Baldock Car Boot Sale returns after Easter 2013!
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Dolly’s Dreamy Haircut!

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Dolly the horse has an aversion to the beauty salon. She head-buts, kicks out and generally becomes ‘ASBO-Horse, Scourge of the Stable!’ Yesterday it was time for a trim – Protective helmets were donned, reinforcements drafted and the vet was called. If she reads this I’m in big trouble…

Alas poor Dolly she looks so sad,
She’s not been ill, she’s not been bad.
She just hates her coat being trimmed,
A small injection, her senses dimmed.
She falls asleep, has horsey dreams,
Lush fields of grass by gurgling streams!
By this morning in the paddock she’ll float,
Muttering aloud: “Where’s my coat?”
I’m so grateful that when I worry,
My owner doesn’t tell the vet to hurry!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday at 7am until October 20th!

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