Category Archives: People and Personalities

House Hunting the Morris Way!

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Some people hate moving house. They procrastinate for days, weeks, months or even years in a perpetual ‘shall we? shan’t we?’. Some eventually preferring to stay put rather than make a decision. I have a friend who is the exact opposite. While out jogging the other day she spied a similar house to hers in an estate agent’s window and within the fortnight had not only sold her house but bought her latest ‘dream house’ as well. This, in verse form is her story…

House Hunting the Morris Way!

Some people stay in just one place
Because moving house they cannot face
Well there’s a woman that we know
She moves house in just one go

A few weeks since she was jogging past
an Estate Agents window, “gotta move fast!”
Looked at the photos – that’s like our dwelling
Oh good heavens look at the price it’s selling!

Rushed back home to tell the old man
“We’re moving house – a cunning plan!”
“But I’m quite happy with this one”
“Don’t worry dear, it’ll be such fun!”

A couple of weeks of looking spent
She’s found a house in a village in Kent
So from town they’re going to fly
She may even join the WI

In the garden live three chooks
They’ll be studying poultry books
What’s to follow? Maybe a sow?
They’re going to be like farmers now!

In Barbour and headscarf she’ll be seen
Taking tea on the village green
So if changing house is tiresome proving
Follow her example – just get speed-moving!

© Baldock Bard
Just 10 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
 for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Government Minister: Highway Ode 6

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Driving down a nearby motorway some time ago, I noticed blue lights in my rear-view mirror. I pulled over to let the police pass and noticed that after the two outriders came three identical black limousines all driving incredibly close together at speed. Later on I realised I’d just been overtaken by a certain politician and his entourage. This prompted thoughts (not all good!) and the following flowed onto the page, I hope you enjoy it…

The Government Minister

Recumbent on the back seat
Of his brand new limousine
The Minister’s just farted
A side the voters never seen

He’s on his way to the constituency
To try to save his seat
His one great fear is that some year
He will face defeat

He’ll have to kiss some babies
Kiss their mothers too
Be your bad luck if in the ruck
He winds up kissing you!

The traffic’s never a problem
Police motorcycles out in front
He’s cut their budget again this year
They both think he’s a ‘****’

The driver’s been around a bit
He’s always known the score
A subtle smile for the thermophile
He’s seen it all before!

© Baldock Bard
Just 11 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
 for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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Pensioner’s Perambulations: Highway Ode 5

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The proliferation of electric scooters in our towns and cities over the last few years has been a mixed blessing. It has vastly increased the mobility of pensioners, but also the laziness of those whose obesity could do with a little light exercise. You are now possibly at greater risk of being run over inside the supermarket or on the pavement than by a bus on the street. I have had my foot driven over three times so far this year while shopping resulting in stoney glares as if it was my fault. However as with everything it is the minority that gain the publicity…

A Pensioners Perambulations

Aged-Albert stalks the pavement
Drives his four-wheeled electric-powered cart
“Youth of today should respect me”
Instead they call him an ‘effing old fart’

He pulls up outside the local shop
His horn beeps over and over
‘I fought the war on air, land and shore’
(He never went further than Dover)

On his way back home in the road
Ignores the drivers tirade
In his mind he is back, on the attack
Or leading the Victory parade

He is rude to the care-staff who tend him
Although they do what they can
They all know, despite puff and blow
In the end he’s a lonely old man

© Baldock Bard
Just 13 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
 for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk

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Cosy Suppers at No 10

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The story surrounding the resignation of the Conservative Party co-treasurer, Peter Cruddas (following a sting by a Sunday newspaper), refuses to lie down. It’s going to be a difficult week for the Prime Minister.

Fancy a cosy supper at Number Ten?
Give £250k to the Tories then!
Before Comrade Miliband starts to glower,
remember jailed colleagues when you were in power?
It’s nothing new (or so it appears),
It’s been happening for hundreds of years.
Whether you’re Left or whether you’re Right,
The whole miserable lot can be summed up as ‘sh*te’.

© Baldock Bard

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

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NewsVerse & Worse 1

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Week-ending 24th March 2012
In the news this week: The Budget, a shooting in London and a Lottery mix-up in Denmark.

To stop revellers freeloading before they go clubbing,
An alcohol tax will give night-outs a drubbing!
To replace the missing billions squandered by Labour,
the budget proposes to Granny-tax your neighbour.
£1.40 per litre at the pumps for fuel,
re-think the school run: Swap the car for a mule.
But lo! What’s this, surely not an Osbornegate?
(One who’s wealthy but pays the tax lower rate?).
While there are things you can no longer afford,
The governments ring-fenced spending abroad.
A government announcement sent by fax:
“We’re just reinforcing certainties – birth, death and tax.”

A Russian banker shot on a London street,
did someone hit the following:
ctrl alt delete?

Playing the lottery with Danske Spil,
Made winning seem a bitter pill,
According to a ‘winner’ (I think called Sid),
“I celebrated a Billion, but received seventy quid!”
A spokesman apologised for the distress,
“Was human error that caused the mess”.

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Lucky!

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Some years ago, a seller at the boot sale was given the nickname ‘Lucky’ as it appeared that he had suffered from more than his fair share of bad luck in life. Whenever he passed the food stand, they would shout “Lucky” and he’d give them a one-fingered salute while a wicked grin spread across his face. Despite his constant misfortune he had a great sense of humour and was able to laugh at himself as well as laugh at others.
It was only when he stopped attending that everyone realized what an important part of our lives he’d become. So this is for you, Lucky, wherever you are, with our thanks for lightening our lives…

LUCKY

Lucky was a seller at the boot sale,
When others were winning, he would just fail.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.
He set out his stall, it took until ten,
By the time goods were out, time to load up again.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.

In winter a range of cheapest sun-lotion,
Sold snow chains in August, to help with the motion.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.
“Of course it’s pukka, one of my priorities!”
When caught selling fakes by the authorities
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.

His ex-BT van went up in smoke,
Some faulty lighters he bought from a bloke.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.
Instead of the van he bought a green trailer,
It’s left wheel came off, it was a failer.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.

He ‘out-Del Boyed’ Del Boy, was a real Trotter
Always the nice guy, never the rotter,
Lucky should be lucky for sure.
Now Lucky has gone, to sell stuff in heaven,
Took a wrong turning, ended up down in Devon.
Lucky, you’re lucky once more!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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