Category Archives: Silly Verse

Exercising Johns Pet!

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Yesterday my son in law, John, took his trusty chainsaw for some exercise in the churchyard. It screamed with delight as it sunk its teeth into a dead flowering cherry tree and positively screamed with pleasure as it cut up three dead elm trees. As the unskilled labourer I was in charge of loading the brushwood into the Loadall bucket for disposal…

John’s chainsaw yells with utter delight,
as out of a tree-trunk it takes a bite.
Dressed for protection John looks a pro,
being unqualified I decline a go.
Trees fall here and trees fall there,
expertly felled miss graves by a hair,
all too soon it’s time to go home,
leaving churchyard occupants in peace on their own.

If you’re thinking of exercising your chainsaw today, make sure it’s got sharp teeth!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Old Van!

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There are some mornings, like this one, where I have no idea what is going to splurge out onto the laptop screen. I skip through my vast selection of photos and one sometimes leaps out from the screen with its hand in the air shouting, “Me! Me! Pick Me!” That is what has happened this morning, an old van that has seen better days (probably scrapped by now) parked outside the local bank (closed down in August). So here goes, lets see where it takes us…

“Please Mr Bank Manager,
can I have a loan?
I need a new van,
to call my very own.
The old girl is rusty,
so are her wheels,
she coughs in the mornings,
I know how she feels!
Oh that is a shame,
no loans for us claimants,
well at least my old van,
comes with no payments!”

My apologies for the poor quality of today’s verse, but I can at least plead insanity as it’s before 0500hrs and I’m off in the dark to open up the car boot sale! Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on the other side!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Friday Wine Glass!

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Mrs Bard and I went to the wholesalers in Watford this week. You never know just what you’ll see for sale and there is always at least one surprise item. On display this visit was the biggest wine glass I’ve ever seen. I guess it would have held somewhere in the region of five bottles of wine. However in this puritanical, liberal and do-gooder age we live in, there had to be a spoilsport sign: ‘For Decorative Purposes Only’, as if anyone would be so silly…

I collapsed in the chair on Friday eve,
what a bitch of a week you wouldn’t believe,
sweeping beans had left me knackered,
and what with the News, I was shattered.
Then I thought ‘I need some wine’
restorative elixir for Friday-eve time.
Fetched the ‘large glass’ tall and wide
and filled it from the tanker outside!

Have a great Friday, remember to drink responsibly.
The weekend is almost here – HURRAH!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Feeding The Farm Staff!

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These last few days I’ve been busy loading oats. This is a tricky operation as the lorry has to be full to the brim in order to achieve a useful tonnage (oats weigh considerably less than wheat). When I have made three large heaps on the trailer, the driver drives forward as fast as he can before slamming on the brakes. This helps to level the load and fill up the odd corner before I load more! Unfortunately in these days of automatic sheets to cover the load, some spillage occurs. This is warmly greeted by certain members of the farm staff who have been waiting to pounce nearby…

You can tell I’ve been loading oats,
some have spilt in the yard,
the geese all honk “Thank-you,
it’s our payment for being on-guard!
We wander around at night,
we sometimes honk for danger,
then our silent attack,
and see off a lingering stranger!
Christmas is coming,
on oats we’re getting fat,
we’re too old and tough to eat,
thank heaven’s for that!”

If you are having trouble with strangers, get some geese (they don’t like it up ’em Captain Mainwaring!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Oats From A Different Angle!

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When you have a drone you get to see everyday actions from an entirely different angle. I had never thought of filming the loading of a lorry as I’m normally doing the loading. Last Friday son-in-law John drove the JCB Loadall, leaving me free to film. It was also handy for the lorry driver to be able to keep an eye on the load so we could get the maximum amount of light-weighing oats per load…

John is driving the Loadall,
he is very careful,
not to spill,
only to fill,
and keep everybody cheerful!

The Bard flies the drone,
over the lorry trailer roam,
it avoids the dust,
that’s a must,
digital pictures not Kodachrome!
My Mavic Pro does seem to like to get in on the act, could this be an ‘Auto-Drone-Selfie?’
Apologies for the poor quality verse!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until 14th October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Farmer’s Hoodie!

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Yesterday evening I spent a relaxed time sweeping oats in a bin so they could join the heap on the floor in the next-door barn. It is a crap job. The air-sweep floors (vents pointing towards the outlet of the bin that help empty the last 15 tons of grain) are now old, and with oats being so light, simply seem to hinder the job by blowing them up into the air so they drop down inside the shirt of the sweeper. Unless he is wearing a very un-farmer-like article of clothing…

The farmer is wearing a hoodie!
Well just fancy that!
He’s not hanging around a bus stop,
in a back2front farmer’s cap!
He’s too old for the ‘Yoof Club’,
it’s time that he retired,
he’s too old to be an apprentice,
“Farmer you are fired!”
He’s silly enough to be in a bin,
sweeping dusty oats,
the hoodie keeps all dust from his back,
avoids itchy undercoats!
Later this very morning,
three loads of oats will go,
waved off by the farmer in his hoodie
“He’s daft that farmer you know!”

If you’re sweeping today, I wish you as little dust as possible!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Come Fly With Me!

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According to media reports, a low-cost airline has had to cancel flights because of a possible shortage of pilots. Some reports have suggested that staff have got behind with their holiday entitlement, others that pilots have left to go elsewhere. To put it bluntly, uncertainty reigns with many flights cancelled. Perhaps there could be a solution…

Flights have been cancelled,
passengers are very wild,
“They cancelled my flight to Magaluf,
for me, my partner and child!”
Others are still waiting,
for flights back from resorts,
some can’t afford hotel rooms,
according to reports.

I have a flying licence,
I’m willing to give it a try,
Ok, it’s for a drone,
but the theory’s the same to fly!
Perhaps in the future,
the pilot stays on the ground,
he could fly two or three,
more pilots to go round!

If you’re flying today I wish you Bon Voyage and hope your flight’s not cancelled.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Proliferation of Rainbows!

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For the last few days we seem to have had nothing but rain indispersed with sunny intervals. The only good by-product of days like these has been the proliferation of rainbows. In this modern tipsy-turvey world we must apportion blame, even for something like rain. I couldn’t find anyone to blame until I saw a friend’s new car…

I’m fed up with all this rain,
it’s as if April’s here again,
although that month was so dry,
September’s enough to make men cry!
I rounded the corner in the yard,
without a topic for the Baldock Bard,
when an amazing sight made me stop,
friend Val’s bought a white soft-top!
She won’t have the hood down I fear
until at least summer next year!
at last I’d found someone to blame,
it must be her fault all this rain!
In reality I’m just jealous as I’ve always wanted a soft-top since a friend bought a MGB Roadster back in the seventies! Go Val!
Have a great weekend and may the sun shine enough to let down that top!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Dog and Drone!

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Readers of my recent random scribblings will realise how little influence I have over the behaviour of our naughty ‘puppy-that’s-not-a-puppy-anymore’. Yesterday it got through the garden gate and ran up the drive  towards the road. It found great humour in seeing me puffing and panting after it. Suddenly she got bored with the game and returned past me, through the gate and back into the garden. Later I flew my drone from the garden path and I suddenly realised she was mesmerised! When it landed she sat without a movement as if properly trained…

“What’s this thing,
that I can see?
Coming out of the sky,
will it vaporise me?
It’s cycloptic stare,
watches my every move,
if I sit still,
will it disapprove?
I haven’t twitched,
not even a leg,
it’s lights have stopped flashing,
perhaps it’s dead!”

The latest dog-training aid – a DJI Mavic Pro UAV (takes great pictures too)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

Forecourt Daze!

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How absent-minded can you be? Yesterday morning I went to fetch milk. As we have no milking cows on the farm, it meant a trip to Tesco petrol station. I parked my wife’s black Volvo away from the pumps and behind a Nissan 4×4.

“Good morning no fuel,
I’ve just a bottle of milk,
not tempted by donuts,
or anything of that ilk!”

“Thank you so much,
and have a very good day”
I walked back onto the forecourt
so I could drive away!

Almost run over,
by a big white van,
driver gave me the finger,
what a very irritating man!

Mrs Bard’s car is keyless,
keys stay in your pocket,
pull the door handle,
and you magically unlock-it.
The door wouldn’t open,
this was most bizarre,
was then that I realised,
it was someone else’s car!

I hung around and explained my stupidity to the lady owner who said it had made her day and that she couldn’t wait to tell her husband!
This morning’s verse is dedicated to the staff at the Tesco petrol station in Baldock who are the finest bunch you could ever meet.They make filling up a pleasure.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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