The Beer Guardian!

Posted on September 5, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

We have a puppy that’s not a puppy anymore! Because of her size and deceiving angelic looks, people naturally think she’s a puppy and say “Aaaaaah! How cute!” This is unfortunately wrong on many levels as she excels in naughtiness. If she were to sit ‘A’ Level in Naughtiness she’d be assured an A* and a place at the university of her choice. This weekend she decided to guard a bottle of beer and challenge anyone to remove it…

Mati sits guarding a bottle of beer,
“It’s mine so go get your own!”
and then with a growl
and a contorted scowl,
enough to frighten St Joan!

Later we manage to wrestle it back,
from where she lies on her grassy knoll,
by underhand tricks
and ‘Best Doggie Mix’,
and the clatter of her supper bowl!

Bribery, corruption and a promise of food – a winning canine combination!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Ferocious Passenger!

Posted on August 31, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

One amazing part of running a car boot sale, apart from the people, is that you never know what you’ll find on sellers stalls. I thought that after twenty-five years, 657 sales and over 40,000 stalls, I’d just about seen all there was to see and would no longer view ‘unique’. That was until last Saturday when I dropped by on a stall to collect the pitch fee…

“There’s a tiger in your van,
looking out at me,
I do hope it’s been fed,
not eyeing me up for tea!
I don’t suppose you get,
many break-ins to your van,
I bet the last who tried it,
screamed before he ran!
Oh! it has been fed this morning,
I’m much relieved at that,
next time you may consider,
bring a smaller type of cat!”
This is dedicated not just to two sellers with a great sense of humour, but also to friend Geoff, whose real-life job this week is picking up a real tiger from an airport!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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When Giants Meet!

Posted on August 25, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I never know what my topic is going to be from day to day. In fact for the last two days there has been no topic as I’ve been busy catching up on post-harvest paperwork. Driving on a small country road last night, today’s topic pulled out in front of me from a farmer’s field, or rather provided a topic when it met a same-species but distant cousin further down the road…

Two giants met on a country road,
on their travels from field to field.
One politely said “After you my dear!”
the other said “No, I shall yield!”
The hedge on one side seemed perilously close,
the ditch seemed rather deep,
both drivers waved from their high up cabs,
one let out a rather shrill ‘peep!’
Further along I followed Ms Yellow,
Ms Green had gone off to harvest some wheat,
“Do you think my backside looks rather big?”
I replied, “it looks rather complete!”
Then all of a sudden she turned off the road,
strode up a longish farm track,
“Goodbye and Good Luck,” I shouted,
but alas all I saw was her back!
If you come across giants today, smile sweetly and they’ll continue on their way!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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The New Glasses!

Posted on August 15, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

For the last two days I’ve been blundering about in the dark as I broke my glasses. Like a utility, glasses are not noticed until they are not there, especially at a busy time of year when clear vision is most important for a farmer. Mrs Bard trooped me off down to our local Alders in Letchworth (friendly people who’ve got me out of trouble on more than one occasion). I judge frames on comfort (as they are beyond my line of vision), Mrs Bard decides whether they ‘suit my face’ (whatever that may mean!) At least this gives the staff in the shop some amusement…

I’d rolled over in bed the other night,
heard a snap and had a fright!
felt around without a laugh,
snapped my glasses clean in half.
The next day a ‘Harry Potter’ mend,
others thought me round the bend,
Off to Alders in a hurry,
“I can’t see it’s quite a worry!”
Faced with a large display of frames,
discussion starts (no calling names!)
A pair is chosen, relief is shed,
(It wasn’t the ones I tried on in red!)

Thanks to all the staff at Alders in Letchworth for your assistance, jollity and humour!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Back Seat Demands!

Posted on July 26, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day we pulled up beside a camper van (or RV) in a car park. The driver and his wife looked harassed as their young charge sat in the back barking orders at them. I felt quite sorry for them as it was rather early to have shouted demands by one so small…

A little Scotsman sat,
in the back of a camper van,
looking out of the window,
just because he can!

“I’m on holiday with my humans,
I take them wherever I go,
I have them just where I want them,
I just bark and off we go!
Last night at the campsite,
(an expensive one that takes dogs!)
I got them up at three o’clock,
so I could sniff and pee on logs!
So take good care of your human,
treat them with great care,
until they no longer notice,
everything’s covered with your hair!”

Please take time to listen to your dog today, you know what happened the last time you failed to respond to demands!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Incy Wincy, the Very Large Spider!

Posted on July 20, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

While dusting the edges of the grain barn I came across a very large spider. So large was it, that she reminded me of the children’s nursery rhyme about Incy Wincy Spider and the problems of a downpipe. Unfortunately, being me, I had to take it further and strike up a conversation…

“Good morning Mr Farmer,”
shouted Incy spider across to I,
“You’re not going to hurt me,
‘tis not my time to die.”

“I have forty-nine young children,
three are not at school,
Sharon and Simone are poorly,
Shane is playing football!”

“Nine have left PE kit at home,
twelve have earned detention,
and Sam is in teacher’s very bad books,
for not paying enough attention!”

“My husband’s at the pub,
ogling the barmaid’s six legs,
the silly fool dreams of giving her,
a clutch of fifty eggs!”

By then I’d heard enough,
“Please see your own way out,
troubles you have plenty,
Just mind that water spout!”

Have a great day, may your troubles all be smaller than anticipated.

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Sweeping the Barn!

Posted on July 17, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the last few weeks the weather has prompted the crops to ripen early. The wheats look as if they will be ready in around fifteen days, a good three weeks or so earlier than a ‘normal’ year, although what is normal is debatable these days! As harvest draws ever closer so my preparations get ever-more frantic. My motto at the moment: ‘We Will Be Ready!’ Son-in-law John ‘swept’ the barn in record time…

Many jobs in farming,
involve choking dust,
but when the devil drives,
then so needs must!
Sweeping out the barn,
harvest drawing near,
ready to fill with wheat,
earn a pint or two of beer!
Son-in-law John,
an idea in his head,
throws away the brush,
uses leaf blower instead!
Yes there is more dust,
through all it he appears,
the barn all swept out
…needs to wash down dust with beers!

Have a great Monday and don’t let the dust get in your eyes!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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The Confused Dragonfly!

Posted on July 11, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

In life, every day can bring surprises! The other day, while Mrs Bard and I were near the river, a dragonfly landed on my outstretched hand! I was stunned by its beautiful lace wings and delicate but long body and surprised at its weight. A truly memorable brush with a large elusive insect…

The dragonfly landed on my hand,
not a move that it had planned,
“What a pink branch, rather warm,
no obvious flower, nary a thorn!
Lots of wrinkles, plenty of lines,
been around the block, no end of times!
Time is precious, so they say!”
With that the dragonfly flew away.

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Where Are The ‘Effin Keys?

Posted on June 30, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning everything happened at once and due to a small oversight I went into full panic mode! They say that sometimes you can’t see the wood from the trees, this time I couldn’t see the forest from my drone! However like most panic events, all was well in the end and yet again, I earned myself the title: ‘Wotta Plonker!’…

Tanker came to fill the tanks,
for tractor, house and car,
I couldn’t find any tank keys,
though I searched near and far!

At the same time Johnnie,
was servicing the tractor,
and a chemical delivery,
a complicating factor!

I rushed around the house,
Like a chicken with no head,
swearing about everyone,
and an unknown I called ‘Fred!’

Then searched in my office,
including the untidy floor:
Guess where I found them?
…in the house back door!

Thanks to the driver from Conquest Oil, Johnnie from Oliver Landpower and the Agrovista driver for not panicking and dealing calmly with the situation! This morning peace reigns. No deliveries, no servicing and the yard is quiet…aaaah…and breath!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Farm Welding Prowess!

Posted on June 15, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

There are many types of welding: Mig, Tig, Gas, Arc and mine! I was taught in evening class over forty years ago and my instructor would be turning grey if he could view my prowess now! To be good at welding you need three things: practice, practice and practice. Despite practising for all those years, metal I weld is held together mostly by luck…

I needed to weld the cultivator,
I’d broken it back in the spring,
I’d found some suitable metal,
now I needed to mend the damn thing!
I clamped the metal together,
having ground the edge to a shine,
If the repair looked unattractive,
I’d deny that it was mine!
I attached the stick to the holder,
put some thick gloves on my hands,
attached the negative electrode,
and proceeded with my welding plans!
Through the mask it was hard to see,
the spark made me jump with surprise,
at the end I expected a straight weld,
I couldn’t believe my eyes…

I’d missed the repair entirely,
and blown a hole in the steel,
my overalls were singed and smouldering,
the mess I was in was surreal.

…I’ll have to wait until someone who knows what they are doing can come to my aid! I was obviously never meant to be let loose with a welder!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse

The Beer Guardian!

A Ferocious Passenger!

When Giants Meet!

The New Glasses!

Back Seat Demands!

Incy Wincy, the Very Large Spider!

Sweeping the Barn!

The Confused Dragonfly!

Where Are The ‘Effin Keys?

Farm Welding Prowess!