Bard-I-Net!

Posted on June 12, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Down at my Saturday car boot sale people are always very generous. Over the twenty-five years that I’ve been running it, I’ve been given many gifts, however none quite so aptly named as the one from friend Eric last Saturday…

At the boot sale on Saturday,
Eric gave me a gift,
one that was unlikely
to cause any rift!
“I’ve got you a small present,
a plastic bottle of drink,
it’s name is quite apt,
tell me what you think!
Some mornings your verse,
could do with support,
drink when you’re writing,
may help with your thought!”

Thanks Eric! I’ll bear that in mind! Have a great Monday, may you all stay well and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Saturday Weather Gods!

Posted on June 3, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Running any outdoor event in the UK is at the mercy of the weather. Last week, just at the wrong time for my Saturday car boot sale, the heavens opened and we had a very heavy thunderstorm. I have never seen rain as heavy during a sale in the twenty-five years it’s been running. I must have angered the Weather Gods…

The God’s in heaven had a meeting,
“How can we punish him today?
He has been very demanding,
for fine weather on his knees he pray!
He wants fine weather on a Saturday,
so he can host a good boot sale,
every so often we have to punish him,
so as a human he knows how to fail!
Lets move around some furniture,
lightening to make a loud ‘crack’,
a heavy shower with a watering can,
for the boot sale – that’ll be that.”

They reckoned without my customers,
made of sterner stuff they are,
simply took temporary shelter,
by hiding away in the car!
Then the sun came out smiling,
the sale continued as before,
“Drat” said the Gods in their heaven,
“We’ll punish him in the future for sure!”

Whatever you are doing today I hope you stay healthy, lucky and safe. See you the other side of the weekend. BB

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Suitcase!

Posted on June 2, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I love browsing in remainder stores. I find that more than anything else it serves to remind me how we all have very different tastes (a wonderful thing otherwise we’d all be the same!). In my search for a stand-out item, I recently came across some suitcases that got me thinking…

Steve and Alice had been away,
seven whole nights in Montego Bay.
Flying back at the dead of night,
luggage carousel caused a fright!
So many bags all the same,
they searched for theirs only by name!
Steve then had a great idea,
solving the problem suddenly clear.
For Alice’s birthday he bought a case,
no more searching would they face.
Alice let out a dreadful groan,
now he travels on his own!

Wherever you’re travelling today, stay safe and enjoy yourselves.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Power Cut!

Posted on June 1, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning we are going to have a ‘Planned Power Cut’. Unfortunately this will result in the burglar alarm sounding. This will send one of our dogs racing upstairs to rip clothes off hangers and chairs or out of the washing basket. It is planned not to last too long and once the power returns then the performance with the dog will move onto ‘Take-Two’ and clothes will be scattered once more…

We’re about to have a power cut,
where the lights go out the fridge goes ‘pffut!’
They’re sawing branches by the power line,
by late this afternoon all will be fine.
For six and a half hours I mustn’t forget,
my computer’s shut down – no internet!
One good result from all this saga,
we’ll be able to cook on our ancient Aga!
It’s all as easy as falling off a log,
and it’ll exercise our neurotic dog!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Grandad’s New Mobile Phone!

Posted on May 26, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Just three days ago I could have written all I know about diabetes on the back of a proverbial postage stamp. My diet, although fairly standard, contained more sugar than a field of sugarbeet! Tuesday was a game-changer in many ways (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=9571) and the new-improved, healthy, Bard Mk2 is up and running (well not quite running, don’t want to overdo it you know!). My latest addition to my collection of electrical gadgetry immediately caught my granddaughters eye…

“Grandad’s got a new mobile!
Can I have his old one?
The screen’s not as big,
for watching Peppa Pig,
will reflect too much in the sun!

What are you doing now Grandad?
Why are you wincing like that?
What was that click?
was it sweets made you sick?,
I’ll fetch you a plaster for that!”

Step away from those sweets and fizzy drinks!
Oh alright then, have one for me!!
That’s the last of ‘Holier-Than-Thou’ Bard!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Hazel Hen and the Wedding!

Posted on May 25, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Every morning I look through a few photographs, normally taken within the last few days, to kick start some words. Yesterday in the farmyard I happened to come across Hazel Hen, she was looking particularly glamorous, I thought she looked as if she was off to a wedding, what with the fancy hat and stunning dress. This morning I downloaded the picture and the words flowed…

Hazel Hen was off to a wedding,
she put on her very best hat,
the dress she bought from a charity shop,
You can’t get much better than that!
She cried when the bride kissed the bridegroom,
threw confetti on the church path,
tittered during the speeches,
“it’s great to have a good laugh!”
Then it was time for the dancing,
she whirled around the dance floor,
her hat and dress were a shambles,
by midnight couldn’t take any more!

This morning her world is all noisy,
she’s taken more than one pill,
but Friday she’s off to a nightclub,
She’s a game bird who’s up for a thrill!

If you’re off to a wedding anytime soon, enjoy and make sure you let yourself go on the dance floor!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Joy of a Blocked Drain!

Posted on May 17, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning the sky is dark, there is a mist hanging over the wood and it has been raining overnight. A quick look around the yard shows up a blocked drain, there are even puddles on the drive and the geese and ducks are smiling…

I never thought I’d be so pleased,
to find a blocked drain.
Overnight,
we’ve had 11mm of rain!
That’s more than I’ve seen,
In the last 30 days,
(says he shouting:
Hip Hip Hourays!)

I wondered if it would rain,
again this year,
…so out with the waterproofs,
I’ve a drain to clear!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Sidney Snail at the Boot Sale!

Posted on May 15, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Last Saturday my four-year old granddaughter helped me clear up the litter after the car boot sale I organise near Baldock. She was well on the way to a Gold Star when she shouted “over here!” Expecting treasure or failing that, some gold Roman coins, I was slightly bemused to see a snail making its way through, what to him must have seemed like, a forest complete with giant daisies…

While clearing up litter after the car boot sale,
Grand-daughter and I came across Sidney Snail.
“Hello! you two,” he shouted at us,
“If you’re after bargains, you’ve missed the bus!”
“Not at all Sidney,” replied granddaughter with a titter,
“everyone’s gone, we’re picking up litter!
all we’ve found so far to be true,
some bags of dog muck, butt ends and you!
However if you’re hungry look over there,
a half-eaten burger overlooked by a hare!”
“Why thank-you young Miss I’ll be moving along,
see you next week, stay safe and stay strong!”

… and with that he put his motorhome into gear and off he toddled!

Rain Rain!

Posted on May 13, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

We are looking forward to a super-soaking-shower in order to cure all the ills that are afflicting the crops on the farm, namely lack of rain! When spreading fertiliser on Thursday the drone footage showed up all the stressed areas of the crops as being almost yellow. This is purely down to only having only 9mm of rain (less than a quarter of normal) since March 23rd, in what should have been a period packed full of April showers. However even though we are desperate, we can be picky…

“Rain, rain come today,”
Not today it’s Saturday!
Maybe when the bootsale’s over,
you can make your way from Dover!
If this morning from France you’re sent,
spend the morning down in Kent!
Lets us have a weekend fun-day,
you can send all you like on Monday!

One good thing about the weather
…politicians control it? Please not ever!

Have a great weekend wherever you are and may your plans not be spoiled by either weather or politicians! Stay safe and enjoy yourselves!

The Spillage!

Posted on May 12, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, in anticipation of a much needed shower of rain, we applied the final dose of fertiliser to the wheat and oats. Unfortunately I ended up having to clear up where I had been clumsy with a big bag. I was careful to scatter the sweepings onto the field as I remembered what happened last time…

Sometimes you just can’t help it,
things will end up wrong,
the best ever intentions,
leave you in the pong!

Yesterday I split a bag,
not a ‘bag for life’,
I ended up a-shovelling
I hadn’t used a knife!

I’d driven over a nasty bump,
the big bag swung around,
and before I could stop it,
spilt fertiliser on the ground.

The last time that it happened
many years ago
I sprinkled it on the lawn
…all I ever did was mow!

Thank Heavens for Gaffer Tape! It doesn’t just hold my trousers up and mend a ripped ton-bag but a whole host of other life-saving jobs around the farm!
If you don’t want to spend all your free time mowing, go steady with the fertiliser!
Have a fantastic Friday. BB
STOP PRESS…… 2mm of rain overnight – Never have I been so pleased with so little. At least the fertiliser won’t evaporate and the plants will get some benefit! HAPPY DAYS!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse

Bard-I-Net!

The Saturday Weather Gods!

The Suitcase!

The Power Cut!

Grandad’s New Mobile Phone!

Hazel Hen and the Wedding!

The Joy of a Blocked Drain!

Sidney Snail at the Boot Sale!

Rain Rain!

The Spillage!