Category Archives: Silly Verse

A Drill-Man’s Woes!

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It’s no fun being a drill-man! When drilling, it is vital that he is given the right size of the field. 0.32ha (0.78 acres) can make a great difference as we found out late last night when we ran out of seed with only a handkerchief-sized area unsown. If my legs were long enough, I’d kick myself…

A drill-mans life can sometimes be,
full of doubt and misery!
It comes about through calculations,
and sometimes rather damp cultivations.
It always helps him to know,
the correct acreage you need to sow,
this avoids that terrible need,
when late at night there’s no more seed.
Any drill-man worth his salt,
will always know it’s the farmers fault!

I woke up this morning was it just a dream?
I looked in the barn – not a single bean!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Betty The Camel

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Recently my daughter, son in law and granddaughter visited a safari park. A camel approached their camper van. It soon became obvious that she was looking to escape as her questioning went from details about the interior to where they came from, how spacious were the seats and did they have a field and shelter at home? They ignored her pleas, smiled, and kept looking ahead despite her ever-increasing desperation…

Betty the camel has got the hump,
she has become a miserable frump.
Both her children are off her hands,
nobody cares nor understands.
Husband Frank is out to work,
to be quite honest he’s become a jerk,
monosyllabic and running to fat,
he can’t be bothered to remove his hat!
Mornings she spends drinking coffee,
bitching and moaning with her friend Lotte.
Afternoons until it gets dark,
she tries to escape the safari park.
Soon she’ll go home to make Frank’s tea,
then a bottle of wine and watch TV!
Her old mother used to say:
“Whatever you do there’s a bill to pay!”

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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48 Hours Drone Flying!

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Yesterday I passed 48 hours flying time in my drone flight logbook. Surprisingly on my test flight yesterday (having updated the operating system), my normal ‘flight-mate’ Rodney the Red Kite was absent. However I think he’d passed on the responsibility as the drone was mocked by pigeons who took great delight in flying dangerously close…

It’s very satisfying,
having updated your drone,
you venture for a test flight,
and don’t crash it while at home!

You look for your flight-mate,
he’s nowhere to be seen,
he’s delegated some pigeons,
who fly like Steve McQueen!

How I didn’t hit them,
pluck them in the air,
dancing around the sky,
like feathered Fred Astaire!

Happy and safe drone flying out there!
A big thank-you to RUSTA for the excellent training which made me a safer flyer and enabled me to reach the hallowed turf of 48hrs flying time. 

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK 22nd APRIL
From April 22nd to mid October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Dinosaur at the Cinema!

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Yesterday morning at breakfast my granddaughter and I were discussing dinosaurs (as one does!). Being unable to consider anything serious before at least ten o-clock, I began to feel that my additions to the discussion were not being valued. Her eyes rolled and comments like “be serious, that’s not true” and loud tutting echoed around the room…

Never sit behind a dinosaur at the cinema,
they block your view of the screen.
They slurp away at their bucket of drink,
and splatter you with ice cream!
They roar with disapproval at baddies,
sigh at the romantic slushy part,
suddenly a very rushed exit,
run out of time in the car park!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Close Call!

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Yesterday on the way to take an ancient relative to the doctor, I came across two vehicles coming straight at me! Natrually I was a little concerned that their actions might just pose a threat to life – mine! When I returned home, while recounting the tale to my nearest and dearest, I remembered it was captured on the dashcam and it wasn’t just a bad dream…

Coming out of Baldock
towards the nearest junction,
I beheld a sight, that caused me fright,
almost caused a function!
A lorry coming at me,
I thought a crash was certain,
I thought “Sh*t, this is it!
maybe this is curtains!”
I was overreacting,
no morbid thoughts a-linger
as he drove past, still quite fast,
he gave me the finger!

If you’re driving, be careful, it’s a dangerous world out there!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Wonder of Drones!

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Hardly a day goes by at the moment when the ‘Wonder of Drones’ isn’t trumpeted by the media. Whether it is delivering relief supplies after a disaster, crop spraying difficult to reach areas of fields or even acting as a personal transport system, the drone is heralded as the answer of the future. As a result I have given my UAV a talking to as it didn’t seem to be pulling its weight…

I sat my drone down for a chat,
“Now listen here I said,”
it’s time that you pulled your weight,
and earned your daily bread!”

So I gave it just a small list to do,
“Go overfly that crop,”
and a few things that I wanted,
from the local convenience shop!

“Then there’s this parcel,
I need to post today,
call in on Aunty Mabel,
and check that she’s OK!”

Later I couldn’t find my drone,
wasn’t hidden in the trees,
but sulking at the take-off point,
I’d forgotten to say please!

Needless to say my trusty drone obeys my every command and is my right-hand-mavic on the farm!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Man Flu!

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Speaking as a man, I have to admit to being a total wimp where illness is concerned. Last night, like a fog descending, I suddenly started to sneeze and my bones ached. I knew the symptoms well, I was in for a nasty bout of the dreaded Man Flu…

I’ve got a cold,
it’s really bad,
I think it could be Man Flu.
So I suggest,
keep away from the screen,
unless you want it too!

Sadly this morning,
symptoms have gone away,
so instead of bed,
it’s work instead
normal for a Friday!

Have a great Friday and enjoy your weekend to the full!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Shopping By Button!

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Yesterday evening Mrs Bard and I were browsing our favourite internet shopping site when we came across electronic buttons for sale! For a fiver you can have a button that, when pressed, will auto-order the required item from the site. So you’d have a washing powder button next to the washing machine, a cereal button in the cereal cupboard and in the toilet…

No longer without loo roll will we be,
auto-ordering’s the future you see!
A button placed right next to the loo,
press it once for toilet paper new!

My granddaughter came to us to stay,
I didn’t explain the button away,
When she was sent up to bed,
pressed it many times instead!

A lorry turned up at the farm,
all quite normal no alarm,
fetched the forklift as requested,
ten tons of loo roll not expected!

NB. This is just fiction, I don’t (yet) have a button for ordering loo roll (although one for chocolate could be handy!). All best congratulations to the shopping site for their innovation, I just wish I’d had the idea first!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Risk Assessment!

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Yesterday I had a visit from two members of staff from a local school to look at our woodland prior to visits from their school. It was a fine afternoon, the late January sun shone and the local deer put on a display of synchronised-running-away for us. When I returned to the office I updated my risk assessment from topics discussed on the walk. I’m a great believer in risk assessments as they do more to get you thinking about dangers than pure legislation. So with apologies to the writer of ‘Teddy Bear’s Picnic’…

If you go down to the woods today
You’re sure of a big surprise
For you will find lurking there
Risks you’ll not realise
Trip hazards abound
Where brambles are found
You find yourself flat on the ground
Another risk for your risk assessment!

Have a good Wednesday and stay safe out there!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Under Observation!

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I was sent to fetch a few items from our local supermarket. Alas this simple task with list is an almost impossible task as my ‘Oh look, there’s a squirrel’ mind is easily distracted. I was just contemplating a purchase for the next big event in April when I felt I was being watched…

My shopping list had three items,
cream, salt and some butter,
“this can’t possibly be just all,”
I was heard to mutter!
I reached an aisle full of chocolate,
‘Think Easter’ it seemed to say,
I felt I was under observation,
so guiltily I walked away!

I recently read that scientists have discovered that chocolate is better for you than traditionally thought. I now have a medical excuse to return!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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