Category Archives: Silly Verse

My Bargain Hunt!

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Bargain HuntDo you ever pretend you’re in a TV show when you’re going about your daily life? Perhaps when you drive to work you pretend you’re the subject of one of those numerous fly-on-the-wall police shows or Top Gear? I prefer something more sedate when walking around the car boot sale or in an antiques shop…

I don’t have long to make my selection,
for my very own ‘Bargain Hunt’,
I reject the well-worn teddy bear,
when you press it there’s a grunt!
Quite a nice antique vase,
has a certain ‘je-ne-sais-quoi!’
but I think it’s over-priced,
would probably drop it on the way to the car!
So many items have caught my eye,
(most of them don’t even rhyme!),
so I go to the pub for a pint,
leaving my Bargain Hunt ’till another time!

Of course the most bargains are to be found on a Saturday at the Baldock Car Boot Sale (see below!)

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Bill and the Pill!

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BillHave you ever tried to medicate a cat with a pill? It would be easier to give a hungry tiger a morsel of meat by hand while jumping up and down on a Pogo Stick! It is one operation in life that has no recipe for success…

We had a cat,
his name was Bill.
always refused,
to take a pill.
We’d wrap it up,
in delicious meat,
he’d turn up his nose,
refuse to eat!
We’d go gently,
not scream and shout,
he’d look at us,
and spit it out!
The little devil,
sensing something fishy,
went and hid,
on the Mitsubishi!
In the end,
(between you and me),
we claimed success,
with Dairylea!

If you have to medicate a cat today, good luck and keep those bandages within arms reach (for you, not the cat!)

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Suited after Booted!

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Suit after BootIt is strange but nobody recognises me if I happen to dress up! The normal remark is “you can scrub up smart when you want to then!” Last Saturday I snuck away from the car boot sale and retrieved the suit out of the wardrobe. In no time I was ‘Suited after Booted’…

Saturday lunchtime to a party,
Was under orders to dress up smartly,
On with the suit, on with the tie,
with dark glasses to sight rectify,
because my clear glasses are in the river,
looked like a mobster, made me shiver!
So if you see me looking smart once more,
I may just be a doorman on the door!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Eye Test!

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Eye TestYesterday I went to have my eyes tested at my ever-faithful opticians (also known as Allders in Letchworth!). This was a must following my un-planned dip in the River Great Ouse on Saturday evening (see: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=8281), when the fish became proud owners of my glasses (phone, car keys, wallet and bank cards). However not only was my stiffness on Sunday morning a sign of my advancing years, but a further reminder arrived on the way back from my appointment…

On the way back home a concern I voiced,
something missing from my glasses invoice,
The insurance said I could claim the rest,
but not the cost of my eye test.
I was looking down at the Allders bill,
something missing stopped me still,
I had to ring “Has a mistake been made,
for my eye test, no bill I’m afraid.”
There was silence on the other end,
methinks they thought I was around the bend!
and in a voice – the answer was risky:
“there is no charge – you’re OVER SIXTY!”

With grateful thanks to Allders in Letchworth for their prompt service, theirs is a service you can trust. That’s so important as we only have one set of eyes!
Just remember – step back from the river and act your age!

© Baldock Bard 2016

For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

 

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The Broken Alarm!

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EarlyIt’s early Saturday morning and I’m up and ready to drive down to the car boot sale that I run every week. The only problem is that due to a new ‘Wake-Up-Early-Solution’, everybody else is awake too. This morning at the bootsale I shall hope to find a new alarm clock…

I’ve broken my alarm clock,
alas it’ll no longer ring,
I replaced the battery,
then threw out the bloody thing!
So now it’s gone for recycling,
along with a bottle of wine,
it may come back eventually,
something useful next time!
So this morning I relied,
on my iPad to do the biz,
so just after half-past-four,
it started to ring and burp and fizz!
I was awake and wondered,
what that noise could be,
by the time I had shut it up,
everyone was awake you see!

Have a great weekend wherever you are and whatever you’re doing. I hope you enjoy your Bank Holiday Monday, let’s hope for no traditional rain!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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New ‘Baldock’ Workshop!

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Carpentry1Yesterday I had to do some carpentry. Being an ardent fan of ‘New Yankee Workshop’, an American programme, where a bearded man in an apron has every piece of woodworking equipment and makes wonderful furniture, I was well up for the job of making two frames to hold car boot posters…

I went into the workshop,
on a carpentry mission,
I knew what I had to do,
but in an amateur position!
I picked up four rails,
that I’d used for fencing,
This was a piece of cake,
that’s what I was sensing.

I found an ancient saw,
a chisel rather small,
I put on my carpenters hat,
looked just like a fool!
Sawing, chiselling and screwing,
finally my job was done,
no unexpected injuries,
apart from a hammered thumb!

Carpentry2With massive apologies to my former school woodwork teacher. I broke your cardinal rule, I didn’t use a tenon saw and used a normal hammer with the chisel, also I had no set-square. I believe that merits a fail! However in my defence, it was a rush job and it proved once and for all that I’m not much of a carpenter!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Replacing a Fan Belt!

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FanbeltYesterday the JCB Loadall broke down. A red light appeared and after much searching of both brain and machine, I narrowed it down to a broken fan belt. Replacing it took longer than I had bargained for…

Red light appears on the dashboard,
a light I’ve not seen before,
look around for the operators manual,
It’s behind the seat on the floor!

Open the bonnet (a foreign country),
an engine much bigger than a car,
a fan belt hangs limp off its pulleys,
ring the dealer, will fetch it, not far.

Alec in the stores knows the part,
“we’ve one of those on the shelf”
my wonderful wife goes to fetch it,
“why can’t you go and fetch it yourself?”

I start to dismantle the safety guards,
I drop a spanner into the sump,
The exhaust is hotter than you realise,
burning skin aren’t I the chump!

The new belt squeezes behind the fan,
lever it on to both the pulleys,
stabbed my hand with an extra long screwdriver,
screwdriver snaps (came from Woolies!)

Reassemble the engine compartment,
putting back the final guard,
Step right back to admire my handy work,
the second belt’s still in the yard!

With many thanks to Alec and all the crew at Oliver Landpower, Wandon End, Luton. How they must groan when I ring!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!

 

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Bird-Scaring Drone!

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scary Drone!Since recently sowing acres of beans and oats, I have a problem. As a farmer it’s not my intention to provide a free takeaway to the varied bird population of North Hertfordshire. There are traditional methods of bird scaring from the small child with wooden spoon and saucepan, right up to today’s high-tech banger with gun and siren. However, thanks to a farmer up-north I can add drone or UAV…

The ‘effin pigeons sit and laugh,
when I get out my gun,
“You couldn’t hit an ‘effin barn door!”
as they munch my crops in the sun.
But then the dastardly farmer,
in defeat has gone back home,
and suddenly they’re very afraid,
rape alarms on the feet of his drone!
“Oh good heavens what is that?
the noise goes through my head!”
with a cough they all fly off,
to my neighbours crops instead!

With best wishes for April Fools Day and apologies to all my farming neighbours! Coincidently this also happens to be my 1,234th posting!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Returns Next Saturday
April 9th 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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My dog and I like Rolling!

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Rolling 162My dog likes rolling. She will find something dead on the lawn or in the field and smother herself with its perfume. This results in a bath at the earliest possible opportunity. I like to roll and have a bath afterwards, but I do it for a different reason…

Up and down the field I go,
The rolls behind the tractor,
Compressing the seedbed for the crop,
A smelly coat not a factor.
The rolls are heard for some distance,
As up and down I drive,
The only reason I later lay in the bath,
Helps my aches and pains subside!
Rolling 16Concocted and written in the bath after rolling a field rather than rolling in a field!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Returns April 9th 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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The Olde Barn Door!

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Door HammerGive me a gun and I can’t hit the proverbial barn door. However give me a tractor and trailer and I have no problem at all! Unfortunately there are no excuses from my ‘Farmer’s Book of Big Excuses’ so I’ll just have to take it on the chin. Well almost…

The door to the shed is wide enough,
For most farm vehicles and all that stuff,
When I put my tractor into reverse,
All of a sudden my day becomes worse!

I looked in the mirrors on the tractor,
They were clean so not a factor,
Started reversing into the corner,
Heater was on but not like a sauna!

My mobile phone was in my pocket,
Started to ring I could not stop it!
Before I could see who had rang,
There was a loud and sudden bang!

Looked for damage on the trailer fender
All I could see was a sliding door bender!
You may think that farming’s all glamour,
I mended the damage with my ‘effin great hammer!

Take care when reversing, you never know what may be lurking behind you!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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