Sweeping!

Posted on October 8, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

All I seem to do at the moment is sweep. We have loads and loads of wheat leaving the farm and after each load has gone I sweep! Then I empty a bin next door, transfer it over to the big shed by conveyor and sweep again. My son-in-law bought me a new sweeper the other day, it’s been a godsend…

I load a lorry,
I sweep the shed,
empty a bin,
sweep that instead!
I sweep the walls,
I sweep the floor,
Why do both?
I’m not sure!
Then another lorry,
leaves the farm,
and I re-engage,
my sweeping arm!

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 The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
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every Saturday until 17th of October

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The Missing Tooth!

Posted on September 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Anyone driving past the farm late yesterday evening would have seen a strange sight. Four grown adults and a toddler, crouched down on the drive, sifting through pea-gravel by hand whilst laughing uncontrollably at the predicament. The situation however was serious, I had lost a crown from my mouth, and with a wedding to attend on Saturday, a bag-over-the-head was looking the only option…

Anyone seen a crown,
lying on the ground?
I heard a dreadful snap
now a hole like Watford Gap!
So many teeth-like clones,
disguised like little stones!
just before ‘twas dark,
a shout like a bark:
“Eureka! Do not fear!
I’ve found it lying here.
Later with a groan,
we found it was a stone!

I’m relieved to report it was found amongst the stones and so the search for a head-bag large enough has been cancelled.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Product Endorsement!

Posted on September 16, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It would seem that anyone who is anyone these days is into product endorsement. If you’re a celebrity chef you’ll have a menu range bearing your name in the local supermarket. If you’re a celebrity builder your name will be seen on tool ranges in DIY centres. However if you’re a celebrity TV gardener…

Dear old Alan Titchmarsh,
I bet that he is sore,
they’ve turned him into compost,
sold at his favourite store!
Now we’ll grow great begonias,
mixed with his DNA,
Lettuce and tomatoes,
it’s a ‘Titchmarsh Salad’ day!

…and good luck to him I say. How about a ‘Bard’ biscuit or Baldock Bacon?
…perhaps not!

The Playful Kitten!

Posted on September 15, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I recently stayed with friends who have a new cat. Can’t remember its name but it was very sweet and sat on my lap purring away. Like all kittens it was prone to sudden playful movement. It also had sharp claws…

A little cat
sat on my knee,
purred a song,
just for me.

“Please don’t think me,
at all rude,
Could I ask you,
for a little food?”

He was startled,
Claws sunk in,
From now on,
Soprano I’ll sing!

N.B. This is fiction.
There is no greater crime than criticising friend’s children or pets.
Be warned: it could lead to ostracisation and meals for one.

Miss Martin My Harvest Companion!

Posted on September 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This time of year I have a constant companion. We meet out in fields of wheat and beans away from prying eyes. I know just which buttons to press and she responds with sweet numbers! Yesterday I managed to score a sweet seventeen, but it was not what I desired…

Out in the fields we meet,
Miss Moisture Meter and me,
she grinds up beans and wheat,
will we continue harvest before tea?

I hold her in my arms,
I know which buttons to press,
she unveils some secret numbers,
I hope will lead to success!

Suddenly she became spiteful,
moisture too wet by far,

my wife asked, “Where’s your friend?”
I’d left her in the car!

In order to store grain it needs to be around 14% moisture and cooler than 20 degrees. The latter is easy to achieve this year, but the former only achieved by using expensive drying. Unfortunately the value is what we were used to in the 1980’s.

Wholesale Beans!

Posted on September 4, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There are times in our daily lives when, in hindsight, we could describe as being, “you know, like, the same-ish!” It is like that fourth cup of coffee that you’re drinking; not because you’re thirsty, or need that caffeine kick, or being sociable, it was just there! However, like suppertime when you just don’t know what you would like, there’s always the default position of baked beans…

Trying to think of what to say,
in my little verse today,
I considered writing about the news,
but it is gloomy and just views.
Of course the weather caught my eye,
but you don’t want to see a farmer cry!
I searched for a topic that was not there,
so ended up with much hot air!

Have a great weekend, full of happiness and shared with someone you love.

The Teaspoon of Life!

Posted on August 26, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Is your glass half full or half empty this morning? Chances are that if you’re a farmer looking out onto damp fields you might think the latter while reality suggests the former! I was moping about worrying about damp crops still in the field when suddenly I remembered that there was a large heap of dry grain in the barn, tipping out the washing-up-bowl also brought good news, so it looks like it’s going to be a good day…

There’s always a teaspoon left in the sink,
Just shout ‘Hurrah!” and make yourself a drink!
While you’re waiting for the kettle to boil,
Think of a positive in your daily toil.
If there’s no positive or none you can think,
At least you’ve an extra teaspoon found in the sink!

Have a great day and watch out for those lucky teaspoons in your life!

The Enormous Spanner!

Posted on August 19, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

For the last few days on the farm we have been preparing for a harvest that keeps being delayed by showers of rain. Those little last-minute jobs that should have been done when there was time have become Herculean tasks. You’d have thought that after all these years I would have learnt…

You don’t need a sledge-hammer to crack a nut,
or a dirty-great spanner when your watch goes ‘phut!’
When all seems as bad as it possibly can be,
it’s time to sit down with a nice cup of tea!
Step back from the problem and it’ll shrink,
Because nothing is insurmountable (or so I think?).

If anyone knows were I can buy a few warm dry days, please let me know. All the wholesalers around here are fresh out of them and the only ones left are dodgy second-hand ones on the Internet!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Not A Harvest Morning!

Posted on August 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

If anyone had been here, just after 6am, they would have witnessed a gruesome view. An elderly farmer in pyjamas and wellingtons, ventured out to check the rain gauge! With two disgruntled terriers, he walked as far as the gauge, swore, tipped out the contents (narrowly missing a peeing dog), and headed back for a much-needed coffee…

It’s hardly a summer’s morning,
damp with mist in the air.
The farmer checks the rain gauge
there’s 20mm in there!
No need to rush to the combine,
the trailer can stay in the shed,
the dogs have had their morning walk,
and all can go back to bed!

The last line is pure fiction I’m afraid as I never seem to get to complete my ‘to do’ list.
I hope you all have a great weekend.

Writer’s Tears!

Posted on August 8, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m always on the look-out for ‘quirky stuff’ to give me inspiration and provide the photo to head the daily blog. During the last 1,081 posts I’ve used a vast variety of images that I’ve seen while I’ve been out and about. This morning I’ve been distracted and spent far too much time looking through photo-files without producing a single word or thought. Then I came across a picture that seemed to sum up the situation when writers have a blank and wandering mind…

When your brain refuses to do,
and a blank page stares back at you,
you’ll confront all your deepest fears,
and grab a bottle of ‘Writer’s Tears!’
At first there’s just a feeling inside,
as a unicorn you prepare to ride!
Then a torrent of words appear,
no need to shed a writer’s tear!

This is, of course, pure fiction. When I have had a drink I lose control of my fingers and they write words like: wfhuffnc or bdmpeer!
Have a great weekend and enjoy words, however you discover them.

Baldock Bard

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