The Farmer’s Unusual Purchase!

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cat1Have you ever been caught making an unusual purchase and had to fight to explain your way out of a tight situation? Yesterday I was caught buying two enormous bags of cat litter. No matter how hard I tried to explain my purchase I wasn’t believed…

“Why buy cat litter when you haven’t got a cat?
Two large bags, how strange is that?
No furry moggie to rub by your legs at night,
Or howl outside your window after a vicious cat fight!”
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

Unloading the bags into the grain store,
“Do you have a cat or what is that for?
It’s a very odd place to be storing cat litter,
I’ve not seen it around,” he said with a titter!
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

We had a slight flood at the bottom of the pit,
when I discovered the wet I said “Oh Dear!”
I pumped out the water into the drains,
Then down went the cat litter to soak up the remains.
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

Carrying the bags around is making me fitter,
we’ve enough pellets left for a very large litter!
I’m not really sure if I need another pet,
might have a word with the local vet!
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

Visitors to the farm say they haven’t seen a cat.
“If you haven’t got a cat why do you need that?”
I try to reason I try to explain,
Nobody believes me when I say it’s for the rain!
“I might borrow a cat and put an end to all this!”
cat2
The ‘pit’ in this instance is an underground area in the store that houses the bottom of the elevator and other hidden pipes and chutes. Not a place that you want to visit too often as it’s very dusty and can get damp leading to a perfect use for cat litter!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Awesome Child!

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AwesomeI have never understood why some parents actively promote the wonders of their children. Nearly all of us are proud of our offspring but most of us take steps to curb our enthusiasm in front of others. Certain clothes don’t help to stem this ‘My Child is Awesome’ syndrome…

My child is awesome,
in every way,
everything she does,
and everything she say!
She’s just fantastic,
superb in every way,
I’m left wondering,
How she’ll be great today!

Pass the bucket Mavis! I think I’m going to be…Bluuuuuuurg!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Farmer’s Water Torture!

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Torture InstrumentIf you ever want to terrorise a farmer, wait until harvest-time and ask if he’s emptied the rain gauge yet! This year it would have a greater effect than normal as the weather has been inclement at just the wrong time. Too much rain when the ear is ready to be harvested, makes the grain think it’s time to grow and sprouting takes place. This is detrimental to both the value of the crop and the farmer’s health…

“How much rain have you had?”
“Don’t know I’ll take a look!”
I wandered out to the rain gauge,
Down the yard flowed a bubbling brook!

“Holey moley!” I let out a cry,
I couldn’t believe my eyes,
60 centimitres in the gauge,
A dreadful harvest-time surprise.

Wasn’t long before the phone,
With farmers was red hot,
“What you get in your rain gauge?
60 centimetres seems a lot!”

So don’t bother ringing me,
I won’t bother to ring,
Because the effin rain gauge,
Is now in the effin bin!

They say don’t shoot the messenger, but that rain gauge had been asking for it for some time now!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

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An English Summer

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Cock PheasantSo far this month of July I have emptied more rain out of the rain gauge than in the six previous months. This includes the largest amount I have ever seen (2.5 inches on the 17th). It is wet and cold and last night I even lit our wood-burning stove. However my sympathies lie with wildlife who must wonder what has happened…

A wise cock-pheasant around the garden perused,
“Tell me Mister, I’m so confused,
I’m told that this is July,
Yet it’s cold and wet, anybody know why?”
folk are on holiday, some flown away,
to far-off lands for sun they say!”
I told him, “Mr Pheasant it’s a bummer,
But that is typically an English Summer!”

For me at the moment this bad weather may be an inconvenience, luckily my crops aren’t ready for harvest. But many farmers must bee looking to the sky with furrowed brows as this much rain on ready-to-harvest grain can make it sprout thus losing it’s already-low value.

Baldock Bard 2015

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At Loggerheads!

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At LoggerheadsEvery now and then I go back through my photo collection for inspiration! Yesterday I found a photo I’d taken some years ago in the Midlands, North of Birmingham. There was something I found amusing about a notice board…

At the Parish Council,
they were at each other’s throats,
the chairman called for calm,
the chairman called for votes!
He finally closed the meeting,
after discussion regarding sheds!
We’ll meet again next Tuesday,
hopefully not at loggerheads!

With apologies to Loggerheads Parish Council who are probably the least argumentative in the country and fed up with people making the same joke time after time!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Effect of Too Much Paperwork!

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Yesterday I had another hard day in the office. I realise that many spend their working lives in such surroundings, but I signed up to be outside in the fresh air, hoeing mangles (or whatever ‘proper farmers used to do). I needed fluid intake to concentrate. Unfortunately I over indulged…

Last night there was a mighty storm,
as wild as wild could be,
the whole house was lightened up,
was like day you see!
Thunder crashed and lightening cracked,
I was wide awake,
and in the middle of the night,
I was hungry needed cake!
I tried my best to get to sleep,
My mind like a machine,
Tumbling thoughts around my brain,
A result of excess caffeine!

Operators Manual for UAV course almost finished. The fresh air outside is only hours away! Have a great weekend!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Using a Rusty Brain!

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OPSMANI am on part two of the training to become a recognized UAV (or drone) pilot. This involves writing an Operators Manual that will be sent for approval to the CAA (Civil Aviation Authority). In these days of ‘copy-it-from-internet’ exams it is refreshing, but daunting, to read the warning from the guidelines: IF YOU SUBMIT THESE GUIDELINES WITHOUT MODIFYING FOR YOUR OPERATIONS YOUR OPERATORS MANUAL WILL BE REJECTED. Hence hours spent thinking and writing, much to the disgust of my rusty ancient brain…

My brain needs extra capacity,
an external drive attached,
because I’m having to use it,
Operations Manual hatched!
It’s taken most of the week,
to write this forty-plus page tome,
I’ve burn the midnight oil,
no time to fly the drone!
But soon it will be finished,
out of the dark I’ll be,
Mrs Bard will ask who I am,
I’ll reply, “It’s only me!”

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Two Terriers!

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Two TerriersOur two terriers have just had a falling-out. It wasn’t all out war, just handbags in the morning. When it was all over they looked at each other as if to say ‘what was that?’ Sometimes our pets can be frighteningly human…

Our two terriers wouldn’t be apart,
sometimes they quarrel,
sometimes they bark!
Mostly they’re a comfort,
to each other,
in fact they’re like,
sister and brother!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Cereal Bowl of Life!

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CerealThis morning while filling my bowl with cereal, it over-filled and the dogs rejoiced and cleared up the floor. I suddenly realized that my helping was probably greedy and, if needed, I could always have second helping having completed the first. Needless to say, having completed the bowlful the last thing I wanted was a second…

There’s never enough room in the bowl,
for the cereal I want to eat!
There’s never enough time in the day,
for my list of jobs to complete!
It may sound like I’m ungrateful,
a dissatisfied ancient bore,
But at least I’m vertical and breathing,
How could I ask for more?

It’s Thursday again! If you know where they have hidden the rest of the week, please let me know as my list of jobs seems never-ending.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Bob Fox’s Weather Vane!

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Bob's FoxIt is remarkable what you can find for sale at a Bootsale. Sometimes in amongst the clothes, books and tools is a surprise! Last week this was rather more than one buyer bargained for…

Bob went to the bootsale,
looking for a box,
to store stuff in,
came away with a fox!

“That thing stole my chickens!,”
a lady at him screamed,
“Can’t have been this one,
it’s crime you must have dreamed!”

If you’re passing Bob’s house,
look up to the roof,
there’s a mighty car boot fox,
it’s expression all aloof!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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