Wheely Good Exercise!

Posted on May 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This is a very fraught time on the farm. In order to satisfy EU and UK red tape we are in paperwork mode and deadlines loom. This means checking and rechecking that the areas of the farm are correct. So the measuring wheel comes to the fore and exercise is taken. Forget the gym membership, go measure a field…

I went for a walk with a Mr Wheel,
Not used to walking, you’ll know how I feel!
He trundled along at quite a pace,
I said “slow down, it’s not a race!”

But he kept on, his numbers counting,
I struggled to keep up, calories-used mounting!
After three field headlands, I was no longer brave,
Passing cars tooted, passengers waved!

With all this walking, I suddenly found,
My loosened trousers fell to the ground!
So please Mr Regulator, may I appeal?
If my figures are wrong, please blame the wheel!

So if you see a farmer ‘enjoying’ a brisk walk,
Please don’t interrupt him and try to talk,
Because he’ll be breathless, unable to speak,
I suggest you wave and try again next week!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Sally the Seagull

Posted on May 12, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Being from the landlocked county of Hertfordshire, I can never understand the venom with which seaside dwellers view seagulls. In our coastal-themed loo lives Sally the Wooden Seagull whose main purpose is to amuse our granddaughter while on the potty. This is accomplished with distinction earning Sally ‘The Grand Order of the Shell’ which she wears with pride…

Sally the seagull lives in the loo,
She has just one daily job to do!
Not from pensioners does she steal chips,
Or hang around landfill tips!
She sits under the basin all day long,
Once or twice breaking into song:

To the tune: ‘I do like to be beside the seaside’
“Oh I do like to be beside the toilet,
I do like to be beside the bog,
It’s just dynamite,
When the room smells not alright!
My mo-ther, was just a log!”

The Distant Kettle!

Posted on May 7, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The age of the smartphone has brought with it many useful side-effects. I have a socket in the house whereby I can turn on a light for the dogs if I’m running late. There are view-at-distance cameras whereby you can discover if those same dogs wear your smoking jacket, lounge on the best chairs eating your finest chocolates and watch Jeremy Kyle on afternoon telly in your absence. Yesterday I came across an unusual must-have App-controlled gadget…

I thought I’d seen most things in life,
I thought I’d seen it all,
But I realise I’ve been blinded,
Have seen nothing smart at all.
There on a shelf in Currys,
A wifi kettle (comes in blue!),
I said the the assistant:
“whatever does it do!”
“You download an App,
Then wherever you find you are,
You can turn on the kettle,
Whether you are near or far!”
“Gosh that will be useful,”
I exclaimed tongue in cheek,
“I can have boiling water here at home
When I’m on holiday next week!”

A Shocking Scene!

Posted on May 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On a Sunday morning before a Bank Holiday, everything should be calm and peaceful. While shopping I watched an elderly gentleman lose his cool. A very relaxed man (a Buddhist) once told me: When God made time he made plenty of it!” Perhaps we should all cool down a bit, particularly on a Sunday morning. What happened next will shock you as much as it shocked me…

I watched a pensioner,
eat his hat,
in Marks and Spencer’s
how about that?

He lost his cool,
he was irate,
his money-off voucher,
out of date!

If he is going,
to solace seek,
he might consider,
shopping mid-week!

I hope he soon,
gets much better,
before someone offers him,
salt and pepper!

Warning: Hats are considered low in calories but high in fibre. They are not generally edible. Care must be taken when positioning a hat near to dentures.
*Serving suggestion only.

A Happy Squirrel Moment!

Posted on April 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had the sort of real treat that a squirrel would understand well – I discovered a hidden bar of chocolate I’d forgotten about. Unfortunately once open it evaporated…

There’s one thing,
A chocolate lover knows,
Is where to find,
A fix in Waitrose!

For me there’s only,
One to choose,
It’s rich and milky,
Silky smooth.

However a warning,
In your ear,
Once it’s opened,
It’ll disappear!

So just be warned,
Hide it well,
Or you’ll descend,
Into ‘No-Chocolate-Hell’

Up at the Crack of Dawn!

Posted on April 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning I’ve heaved my protesting body out of a comfortable warm bed at silly-o’clock for the first time this year. This is the approximately 586^th morning I’ve wandered down the road to organize a car boot sale since 1992. My chariot (Mitzi with three loos on a trailer) awaits, along with a queue of sellers who have uncomfortable mattresses…

A quarter past five
My alarm shouts a warning!
“Get Up, Get Up!
It’s a Saturday morning!

Get down the road,
Open the gate,
They’ll be people waiting,
Don’t you be late!”

My hand blundered about,
There was a loud knock,
I’ll look at the boot sale,
For a new alarm clock!

I wish you all a great weekend. If you’re visiting a bootsale near Baldock, please be gentle on the tired old man on the gate!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
This and every Saturday until the end of October
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Easter Bunnies on R&R!

Posted on April 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Visiting Oxfordshire yesterday I looked up and was startled to see more rabbits than I’ve seen for years. I think they were taking time out following a very busy Easter Weekend.

Where do the Easter bunnies go,
When their work is done?
They aren’t found near Baldock,
Because they like the sun!

Yesterday I saw them,
Relaxed and not afraid,
Their mouths covered in chocolate,
And drinking lemonade!

But what is this? They’re waving!
Of a farmer they have no fear?
They show their little cotton tails,
Then simply disappear!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns this Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Let’s Go Fly A Kite… (modern version!)

Posted on April 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday on Facebook a young lady from Bedfordshire posted a photo: ‘Let’s Go Fly a Kite!’ I suddenly realised that my drone is the modern equivalent! So thanks to Beckie here’s my take on a classic (you’ll all know the tune and it’ll stay with you for days!)…

Let’s go fly a drone,
Just behind our lovely home.
Let’s go fly a drone,
And watch it soaring!
Up to the atmosphere,
Those trees look very near!
Let’s go fly a drone,
And watch it falling!

We’ll send it for repair,
It will get no more fresh air,
Want to go fly a drone?
eBay in the morning!
Now that the drone is gone,
To a Londoner called Ron,
I now go and watch them crash,
On YouTube ‘till I’m snoring…

…Let’s all fly a drone etc!

You can find Beckie at Vibacious Events
http://www.vibaciousevents.com/
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Patisserie en France!

Posted on April 1, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I took the Eurotunnel from Folkestone last night and are spending a few hours ‘En France!’ It was a spur of the moment decision driven by my greed. We had been sitting at home and I suddenly had an urge for French patisserie and wondered aloud whether we could just get up and go? If so, would anyone would notice…
Chocolate Éclairs dans la fenêtre,
Would make many a dieter retch!
To display un Paris-Brest éclair,
On a dish, ce n’est pas fair!
A tray of twenty petit-fours,
I can see mine where are yours?
I’ll be coming home on a twenty-ton trolley,
Peut-etre, c’est seulement, l’Avril folie?
© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Old Tractor!

Posted on March 31, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I started up our old David Brown tractor. When she was new and shiny she was on display at the East of England Show! Now her bonnet is pitted with rust and she doesn’t like getting up in the mornings…

We have an old tractor,
Her name is David Brown!
She’s now retired,
Doesn’t work on the ground.
She’ll likely be seen,
Sawing up some wood,
She’d like to go ploughing,
I doubt if she could.
So she sits in the shed,
Doesn’t go anywhere,
It’s the tractor equivalent,
Of the high wing-back chair!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse