Ernest’s Underwear!

Posted on February 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

While shopping in M&S recently I watched a very ernest man of a certain age carefully place his purchases on the belt at the checkout. My immediate, rather uncharitable thought, was: ‘I hope mummy reminded him to put his vest on this morning!’ My second guess was correct, he did indeed have a small leather horseshoe-shaped purse…

Ernest shops in M&S,
Mummy told hIm for success:
“Always wear clean underwear
In case taken ill when you’re out there!”

“You will never be embarrassed
Whether London, Rome or indeed Paris!”
So Ernest always tries his best,
To wear clean pants and pristine vest!

Occasionally Ernest gets a date,
They see his vest and it’s too late!
They can’t look at his white tummy,
So quite content he returns to mummy!

With many apologies to Ernest’s everywhere!
English to American English translation: ‘Pants’ in this context mean knickers not trousers! However ‘Ernest’ would never say knickers without breaking into a nervous tittering girlie-giggle! His mother would not approve of such frivolous language!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Artistic Conundrums!

Posted on February 21, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

As grandparent child minders, Mrs Bard and I are expected to be multi talented. In fact I would venture to suggest that our artistic prowess has improved so much that an exhibition could follow soon…

Vincent van Goch,
Had a cough,
Fell into a water trough.
Claude Monet,
Didn’t stay,
Left him for another day.
Henri Matisse,
Called the police,
Then ran off with Gaugin’s niece.
Francis Bacon,
Thought he was taken,
Dragged him out shiverin’ and shakin’!
Georgia O’Keefe,
Witnessed his grief,
And slid a blanket underneath.
Edward Hopper,
Was improper,
Thought that he would come a cropper.
Roy Lichtenstein,
Thought it time,
To open up a bottle of wine!

…what Jackson Pollock did, history mercifully doesn’t relate!
With apologies to artists everywhere.

A Blank Mind!

Posted on February 18, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes in the early morning I can whip up a poem easier than a cup-a-soup. I put the granules into the cup, add hot water before sitting back and before I know it there is a warm ode on the screen. This morning – nothing…

I’ve been waiting now for quite some time,
To wake up one morning without a rhyme!
A mind that’s blank,
Without an ode,
This morning that’s how my brain go’d!
So just in case you think something’s wrong,
A random picture of a swan!
What is it thinking? I have a hunch,
It might be going out for lunch!

Have a great Wednesday!

Frank The Purple Dinosaur’s Valentine!

Posted on February 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Today is St Valentine’s Day. Millions of people around the world will buy flowers, chocolates and champagne in the hope of attracting love. Sometimes love needs a bit of help, especially if you are a purple dinosaur…

Frank the Purple Dinosaur,
Thought it most unfair,
That he had purple skin,
Wasn’t getting anywhere!
Every Friday,
Come wind or rain or hail,
He took the bus to Baldock,
In love he’d always fail.

But today he’s been rewarded,
A card through his door at eight,
From Betty the Pink Plegasaurus,
Could they have a date?
She’s been looking at his profile,
She likes his manly chest,
When you’re a purple dinosaur,
Computer dating’s best!

With thanks to my two-year-old granddaughter for her help in painting the picture of Frank the Purple Dinosaur!
Wishing you all a very Happy Valentines Day!

Those Devious Wine Gums!

Posted on February 13, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Are you weak-willed at times? Have you the willpower needed to resist those temptations that laugh at resistance? I admit that I lose resolve in the face of Wine Gums, Twiglets or Cheeselets, I call it my generic failing…

I sat in the office,
My mind an absentee,
When I saw a bright packet,
Gazing down at me!
It seemed to be shouting,
“Coo-ee, I’m up here,
I’m full of deliciousness,
Come and eat me!”
I returned to my keyboard,
But resistance was all shot,
I reached up for the bag,
And ate the bloody lot!

The Elderly Talking Terriers!

Posted on February 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The Elderly Talking Terriers!

We have a natural sun-trap in a passage in the farmhouse. Yesterday I was surprised to find two terriers were sitting, like pensioners in a care home, taking in the suns rays. I could hear them talking at each other…

Two terriers were sitting in the afternoon sun,
“What do you think’s for tea,” commented one.
“Never liked the beach,” said the other,
“I think you’re confusing me with my brother.”
“I think I’m getting thirsty,” the first one said.
“You’re wrong, it’s Sunday, soon be time for bed!”
“I can’t seem to concentrate, I’m getting like Cyril,
Oh look over there, I’m sure I saw a squirrel!”
“The worst thing about being the age we are,
Can’t remember if we chase the human or the car!”
“If we chase the human and get the wrong one,
We’ll end up in a care home sitting in the sun!”

Be kind to your children… they will chose your care home!

Dedicated to Baggins the Cat, from his human and doggy friends, may he rest in peace, chasing winged mice for eternity!

Putin’s Lidl Surprise!

Posted on February 7, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Polish week in Lidl (as if you didn’t already know!). Amongst the shelves of Schab Pieczony, Tlyzcki and Golonka Kresowa is a bottle of vodka. “Okrzvki!” (cheers!) you may be thinking, however you’d possibly be wise not to use “Na Zdorovie!” (cheers in Russian!) as it may earn you a visit from the KGB…

Should President Putin solace seek,
He’d better miss Lidl today
There’s a liquid suggestion,
Of which he’ll no notice pay!

He’s had advice in the past,
From Washington to Rome,
Russian Soldiers in Ukrane,
Just Putin-off back home!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock ‘Prodazha avtomobiley zagruzki’ (car Boot Sale!)Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Delivering Hay!

Posted on February 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The hay I made last summer is now being delivered and eaten by horses around North Hertfordshire. In the most part the end users are very pleased to see the supplies arrive and stacked in the barn…

I took hay to a livery yard,
Didn’t have to travel far,
A carefully stacked up load,
On a trailer behind the car!
Russell came to help me,
As I find it quite a strain,
Chucking bales around,
As if 21 again!

The horses seemed pleased to see us,
“Our supplies were getting low,
Come on get those bales off
Then we will let you go!”
As I was reversing out of the yard,
To Russell an old horse said,
“Thank heavens you’re here with that oldie,
He’s unfit and over-fed!”

I stopped the car to remonstrate,
Was calm and polite of course,
When all of a sudden it struck me,
“Oh! Good grief, a TALKING HORSE!”

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Och Aye! It’s Lidl

Posted on February 2, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

One of the great joys of shopping in Aldi or Lidl is the unexpected items you come across. The other day in Lidl, Mrs Bard and I came across some items of clothing from another country. Burns Night was a week ago, but who knows what goes on in Letchworth amongst the Scottish émigrés…

There are kilts for sale in Lidl,
(only four remain),
alongside an electric rice kettle,
and stuff to get rid of a stain!
There’s Scotch near the checkout,
and porridge in the aisle,
in fact enough to satisfy,
the choosiest Scottish exile!With apologies to anyone from ‘beyond the wall’ (Hadrian’s), I wish you a belated Happy Burns Night! (so does Lidl!)

Ungrateful Ducks!

Posted on January 31, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When I looked out of the window this morning our motley collection of ducks were marching across the field for their breakfast. I remembered that I’d left a tasty selection of sweepings in the forklift bucket. I would like think they were grateful but their thanks were sparse…

“Quack, Qrack, Qack!
Where’s our bloody food?
We’ve marched across six bloody times,
We could say something rude!
What do you call this offering?
Odd selection of grains and dust,
Actually it’s quite tasty,
We’ll eat it if we must!
You can go now if you wish,
But let’s give you a warning,
We won’t put up with lateness,
Of breakfast tomorrow morning!”

During this cold weather please remember to put out scraps for your garden birds. They’ll be more grateful than our ducks, I promise you!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse

Ernest’s Underwear!

Artistic Conundrums!

A Blank Mind!

Frank The Purple Dinosaur’s Valentine!

Those Devious Wine Gums!

The Elderly Talking Terriers!

Putin’s Lidl Surprise!

Delivering Hay!

Och Aye! It’s Lidl

Ungrateful Ducks!