Category Archives: Silly Verse

Cornelius and The Hat!

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The HatYesterday in a local supermarket I bumped into a young man wearing what looked like a chicken on his head! He displayed that ‘devil may care’ sangfroid of someone I used to know many years ago…

Cornelius Smith (known as Max!),
Owned a selection of rather strange hats.
His most bizarre it must be said,
Was like a turkey perched on his head.
When unshaved, red-faced and puffing,
His face resembled the turkey’s stuffing!
Full of fun, jokes and facts,
That’s why everyone called him Max!

Happy Christmas Shopping Everyone!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Fridge Art!

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Fridge ArtYou can always tell if a household includes an under-nine-year-old. You look at the fridge door/kitchen wall! If there are one or two pictures/scribbles then it is probably a grandchild. If more, along with discreet wax crayon/biro scribbling on the wall, then the house has a talented child whose expression is encouraged to run riot (even if the child is not!). We are enjoying the attentions of our very own ‘Granddaughter Picasso’…

We’ve mini-Picassos on our wall,
(Can’t throw them away, have to keep them all!)
The paint flows from the broad brush strokes,
Onto child, into clothes it soaks!
“Bring more paper, I need more!”
Masterpieces scattered on the floor!
Our poor dog has signed quite a few,
Paw prints coloured green and blue!
At last relief from painted foam,
Her mother’s here to take her home!
The dog collapses into her bed,
It’s then we spot – her coat is red!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Under The Weather!

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GermsFor the past few days I’ve been under the weather and it has not been pleasant. Symptoms have been so varied that diagnosis has been nigh on impossible. However, thanks to on-line-help, I feel I may be getting closer to the truth. Being a farmer provides many more options…

I felt so bad, was then I knew,
I was suffering from Man Flu!
Symptoms have ranged from bad to worse,
Until they even affected my verse!
Then my wife called me a pig,
T’was Swine Flu ‘cos my nose is big!
I quite fancied a Chinese meal,
Must be Asian flu that I feel.
From my throat a feather grew,
Was then I diagnosed I had Bird Flu!
But then I realised because I’m old,
It’s nothing more than the Common Cold!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Husky Voices!

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HuskiesThe other day I came across four bored Huskies in a local market square. It was a mild day and they were suffering from irritable howl syndrome. Their leader spoke for them all…

Four bored huskies,
Waiting on the square,
“Where has our human gone,
Can’t see him anywhere!
We are all rebellious,
Impatient we all grow,
Because the weather is too warm,
No sign of ice or snow!
Just over there,
Is a shop that sells warm bread,
Can’t see a sign,
Of a store that sells a sled!
We are having,
Impatience overload,
May just take this bench
For a run down the road!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

 

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Mr Shovel and Mrs Brush!

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Shovel & BrushYesterday I treated myself to a new plastic shovel. The old one was badly worn and as there were only two loads of wheat left to go, I had much shoveling in front of me! What a pleasure it was to use a new implement! It just shows how much excitement is in my life…

When Mr Shovel was shoveling wheat,
He confessed his life was not complete,
What he needed was a lady love,
A sole-mate when no wheat to shove!

I went into the shed next door,
Forgetting a purchase I’d made before,
I was excited with what was there,
A lady broom with purple hair!

Mr Shovel spied the broom,
Pushed me aside, “Give me room!”
And bowing his handle away from me,
Said “Hello Gorgeous, marry me!”

They were wed after a break,
The service conducted by a Tarmac rake!
Who said “do you take this brush for a wife?”
The shovel said, “Do I? You bet your life!”

For quite a few months they swept together,
Clearing the floors and oh! so clever,
Then one day (after romantic mush!),
They gave birth to a dustpan and brush!
…and they lived happily ever after!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Magic Gloves!

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Magic GlovesIn a shop recently, I came across a pair of magic gloves. As they were far too small for me (even though I would have loved a pair of magic gloves), I bought them for my granddaughter. I’m not sure what type of magic is involved I wait to see…

I’ve a pair of magic gloves!
I wear them every day,
On a frosty morning,
Cold hands go away!
I wore them in the playground,
I wore them in the street,
All my friends were envious,
They said my gloves were neat!

…I’ve also got a bright red scarf,
I only wear it for a laugh!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Chocolate Heist!

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Chocolate plateFor millions of us, reports that supplies of chocolate may be threatened by the year 2020 has come as a severe shock. This could well lead to civil unrest as the silent majority take to the streets, hijacking confectionery vans and removing sweets from toddlers. Jewellery shop owners will heave a sigh of relief as sweet shops install bullet-proof windows, grids on the doors and employ security guards…

I’ve heard there’s to be a delivery,
At the back of the chocolate shop,
We’ve got ourselves a cunning plan,
To force the delivery to stop!

The armored van will turn up early,
The guards will open up the door,
We will rush in and tie them up,
Leave them trussed upon the floor!

Then we will grab the chocolate,
Put it all in a great big bag,
Rush right out of the sweet shop,
To the getaway Jag!

There is just one small problem,
When our hideout we reach,
There will be no chocolate left
And I’ll be left like a whale on the beach!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Trouble in my Attic!

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Loft LadderI’ve been having trouble with my waterworks. This has forced me to spend time in solitary confinement in the attic. However remembering stuff when you are aged and have a leak is not easy…

I went up to the attic to fix a leak,
To complete a job that had waited a week.
When I arrived at the dripping site,
I’d forgotten the tools to put things right!
I climbed down the ladder onto the landing,
There were no tools where I was standing.
So down the stairs once again,
Outside by now it was pouring with rain.
I needed a coffee to quench my thirst,
But checked my emails on the laptop first.
A special offer caught my eye,
So onto a website (a toolbox to buy!)
Back to the kitchen where the door needed oiling,
Someone had left the kettle boiling!
Then upstairs to relieve my aching bladder,
Who left this tall extending ladder?
Went to flush the WC,
There was no water, oh dearie me!
Luckily the ladder was already in place
So I could go up to the dark loft space!
Tripped over the stopcock that was shut,
Whoever turned it off must be a mutt!
I told myself it couldn’t be me,
Because of my perfect memory!
I suddenly had this sinking feeling,
…just as the water dripped through the ceiling!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Vanish – the family pack!

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Vanish 2In the supermarket on Sunday morning, a family pack of stain remover caught my eye. This led me to consider what it would be like to be able to disappear at will. Then I wondered if the remover could be extended to time-shift as well. At this rate the men in white coats cannot be far away…

Just imagine if you could vanish at will,
Perhaps in a restaurant before paying the bill!
All hold hands and ‘Whoosh!’ you’re gone
To find yourselves in Saigon!

The last helicopter leaves the embassy roof,
Hold hands again you’re now in Beirut!
Leave the Middle East the quickest way
Shut your eyes, you’re now in LA!

Hollywood-hopefuls on every street,
Back to London in a heartbeat!
Suddenly your surroundings all look Spanish,
You rue the day you first learnt to vanish!

Then I find myself at home on a Sunday afternoon, so I reach for the tub of stain remover and…..

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Disgruntled Local

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Disgruntled LocalYesterday I parked in an exposed car park just behind a windswept beach in North Norfolk. Being November, the beach was almost deserted. After a walk where the cobwebs were blown far away, I returned to the car park to discover a disgruntled local…

My feathers are ruffled,
My temper is raw,
Where are the chips,
You promised before?

You have a warm coat,
I just have feathers,
Patrolling this car park,
In all sorts of weathers!

I was content
‘Till you took it too far,
Have a nice day,
I’ve pooped on your car!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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