We’d All Like to be Invisible!

Posted on November 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever considered invisibility and what you’d do with it? The other day Dolly the horse was being exercised on the lunging rein. I imagined I could hear a man’s laughter echoing from the field…

The Invisible Man went riding,
Only Dolly knew he was there,
He was having a fantastic time,
The wind coursed through his hair!
All was fine in the field,
Until Dolly started to buck,
Nobody saw him unseated,
He wasn’t having much luck!

He was dragged along by the ankle,
Through nettles, thistles and docks,
Thankfully it had been raining,
And the field was devoid of all rocks!
At last the coaching was over,
Dolly went in for her tea,
He was muddied and bloodied all over,
No one could see him but me!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
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The Trainee Dog Whisperer!

Posted on November 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My two-year-old granddaughter is trying to teach the dog how to count. Unfortunately the dog shows not the slightest interest in acquiring this new talent. This only serves to redouble efforts towards having the world’s first numerate terrier…

“Granddad,” said my granddaughter,
“I’m trying to teach the dog a new trick,
She’s not even paying attention,
She’s acting so silly and thick!”

I pleaded with the dog just to listen,
Take note of all that was said,
She yawned and looked at her teacher,
Then went to sleep in her bed!

“Granddad,” said my granddaughter,
“She’s now snoring and deaf to my pleas,
Make her take note of my lesson,
I’m sure she will soon count with ease!”

The dog opened an eye without interest,
Then rolled over and onto her back,
She wanted her tummy rubbing,
Instead of a numerate attack!

A Bean-Sweeping Fool!

Posted on November 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you a task that you hate doing at work? Is there a job that you’d pass on without a moments thought to the intern or office junior? I have and it’s called sweeping beans out of a silo. It is noisy, dusty and fills your hair with itchy bits of bean/straw/pod! Yesterday I looked around for someone to shoulder the task, but only saw myself in the tractor mirror! So into the bin I went. Job done I faced the problem of getting rid of the dust…

There’s an alien in the yard,
Dressed in overalls and looking marred,
His hair is having the worst of days,
He’s limping, muttering and in a daze!
He’s heading towards the workshop now,
Past the tractor, past the plough!
It looks like he’s about to inflate,
He’s grasping the air-line like a date!
Now he’s got the short air lance,
Building up pressure in advance,
Now he’s running it through his hair,
Dust and beans blow everywhere!
Now he’s blowing his overalls,
Must be a day for bean-sweeping fools!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

In Praise of Prawn Cocktail!

Posted on November 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are some food-snobs who dismiss prawn cocktail on a menu as being either “steakhouse fodder for Tracy and Darren” or “oh, so Seventies dahling!” I don’t care if I’m thought of as being unfashionable. I’d also quite like to be Tracy and Darren’s age again thank you very much! I care little if the closest they get to haute cuisine is in a steakhouse or a repeat of Moldavian Masterchef on an obscure satellite channel. So crinkle the lettuce and reach for the Thousand Island, the starter is on its way…

Is a boy prawn called a cock?
And does he have a tail?
Perhaps he has a girlfriend,
Once frightened by a whale!
When he goes to bed,
Is his mattress made of lettuce?
Does he dream saucy dreams?
Containing spicy fetish!
Does he get back home?
Parents long in bed,
Having been out on the town,
Painting it green and red!

Darren’s taking Tracy,
Out on their first date.
He’s ordered prawn cocktail,
With a hope to consummate!
On the very next table,
From the hotel chain,
Roofers down from Salford,
Have ordered it once again!

So here’s to all Cocktailers,
From wherever you may hail,
We may not be the trendiest,
But we do love Prawn Cocktail!

It’s a Dogs Lie!

Posted on November 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Wandering in a local town recently I came across a pair of dogs that had been tied to a lamp-post. They looked happy enough and didn’t voice any complaints until they thought I was out of earshot. Then they started to complain bitterly about their treatment. Since they were tied up outside a shop I didn’t believe a word they were saying…

“He told a lie to Mummy,
“We won’t be going far,”
We’ve only reached the High Street,
Now he’s found a bar!”

“He tied us to this post,
With rain it’s about to hiss,
And all we can smell, you know,
Is other doggies p*ss!”

“When he gets back home,
We’ll drop him in the dirt,
We’ve both saved up some pee,
Which we’ll on the curtains squirt!”

“You didn’t take them to the park,
You lazy selfish man!”
“Their ensuing row will serve him right,
And all will go to plan!”
…..next time he’ll have to take us to the park, or else!

No animals were harmed during the writing of this verse!

Wheelmarks Across The Land!

Posted on October 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I had a phone call from a neighbour reporting a worrying incident. Apparently someone had driven across some recently-drilled wheat in a straight line until they reached the top of the hill, at which point they chose a diagonal line towards a hole in the hedge. They then turned the vehicle around and returned. I had to agree that this was strange behavior…

“Someone’s driven across your field,
In a Four-by-Four!
They got in through a hole in the hedge,
No wheel marks were there before!”
T’was very muddy where they turned,
At the top of the field,
Will the crop recover,
Or will you lose some yield!”

“That sounds terrible,”
I had to agree,
Didn’t have the heart to say,
The driver – that was me!
During the call,
I withheld a laugh,
I had only been reinstating,
An in-crop local path!

Writer’s Tears!

Posted on October 16, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

“Oh, look there’s a squirrel!” is a phrase that a friend uses to describe my attention span. Whilst not particularly worried by this trend, it does sometimes manifest itself when I’m attempting to write and I have to force myself to get on with the job in hand. This morning squirrels are all around and not even the loudest ‘shoo’ will make them leave…

There are some mornings when words don’t come,
I sit at my computer and I feel dumb!
Looking through photos to get inspiration,
Hoping to find some configuration!
This morning is one of those occasions,
When my mind is full of irrelevant invasions;
Should I move beans, oats or wheat?
Or clear out my car and clean the back seat?
For now I’ll make myself a brew,
and then get rid of a squirrel or two!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^th
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Agri-Wacky Races!

Posted on October 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On Sunday afternoon we were chased around the fields by the threat of rain! We finished drilling wheat at tea time and I firmed up the seedbed by rolling in behind (like putting an extra blanket on the bed!). However I was being chased by the sprayer putting on pre-emergence weed killer, also attempting to beat the forecasted rain…

Like Wacky Racers we dash around,
Drilling, rolling and spraying the ground.
When darkness falls we’re still on the go
We roll and spray but no longer sow!
Finally we’re finished all machines to the shed
We go in for supper then it’s time for bed…

…and then it rains and rains and rains!

The Souvenir from Norfolk!

Posted on October 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It is strange how an old-fashioned illness can travel through a family like a non-stop express train through a rural station! My Granddaughter returned from a few days in Norfolk with a wonderful souvenir for us all. So violent is the virus that it didn’t even need unwrapping. I just hope that others are immune…

At the moment I dare not cough,
Or be but near a very large trough.
A sickness virus has laid me low,
Not far from the bathroom dare I go.
I don’t feel like reading an exciting book,
I can’t even give any food a look.
The simplest pleasure from a glass of water,
Denied by a bug from my granddaughter!
I don’t suggest you even try it,
The weight-loss properties an instant diet!
Others have recovered after 24 hours,
So I’m hoping for super bodily powers.
So if you see me just walking past,
The bug has gone elsewhere at last!

Relief supplies were most welcome!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^thWith more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Farmer’s Idea of ‘An Evening Out!’

Posted on October 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This time of year, when we are busy cultivating on the farm, it is dark by about 7pm. Worried by the threat of bad weather forecast for next week, I decided to put in a few extra hours. Whilst plodding up and down the field my mind wandered and I came up with this verse…

A local farmer, short and stout,
Told his wife, he was spending, the evening out!
“I’ll be back, but it’ll be late,
You could leave some supper on a plate!”
His wife who was neat and uncommonly kind,
Said to him, “I really don’t mind!”
As she knew there was no other distractor,
The ‘Other Woman’ was his tractor!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse