Replacement Parts!

Posted on October 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I replaced some wearing parts on the plough. These parts, whilst important in helping to turn over the soil, also protect other parts of the plough body. While I was struggling with unhelpful nuts, dropped spanners and missing bolts, I considered what we could do with this technology in humans! I then realized that much of it mirrored modern medical advancements…

A friend of mine has new knees,
He now leaps tall buildings, cars and trees!
I was wondering what I’d replace,
Maybe feet, hands or face!

But I came to a conclusion,
In my case would be no solution,
Like the scarecrow in the Wizzard of Oz
I’d like a new brain, just because…!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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The Magic Instrument of Calm!

Posted on September 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Whenever we are stressed and things aren’t going our way, we who reside on this island reach for a magic instrument of calm, the kettle! From first thing in the morning to last thing at night, it is our comforter and protector from all that threatens us…

“I’ll stick the kettle on, shall I?”
Is often heard in soaps,
when bad news is the subject,
That’s dashed all faith and hopes.

Thus it is in real life,
When stress comes our way,
Just have a cup of tea,
It’ll magically go away!

You’ve been awake half the night,
Your pillow’s on the floor,
You fancy a cuppa,
So you’ll toss and turn no more!

It may just be an illusion,
When you get that soothing hit,
You seem to be much calmer,
And not so deep in the…!

The Magic Shop!

Posted on September 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day in Fortuneswell, on the Island of Portland in Dorset, I came across an interesting shop window. I was instantly hooked and marveled at the clever artistry. The further I looked into the shop, the more I wanted to buy…

There’s a magic shop down Dorset way,
Will sell strange items if you pay.
They’ve got great big buckets of steam,
And chocolate tea pots fit for a Queen!
Cordless extension-leads for your DIY,
And tartan paint to confuse the eye!
They’ve large sky-hooks to lift trees and logs,
And elbow grease for the toughest jobs!
There are strong glass hammers to crack a nut,
Dyson hoover bags remove any muck!
Best of all to avoid all scandals,
Top of the window Ronnie Barker’s Fork Handles!

Thank-you to the artist for making me stare in wonder and want to buy.
If Carlsberg painted shopfronts…

The Fine-Looking Villian!

Posted on September 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On Saturday evening by the coast, I captured a picture of this gull. When I showed it to those I was with, opinion was sharply divided. Those who live near the coast vilified, whereas those who lived inland had no real opinion. To me they are the only company, apart from the radio, that I get while ploughing. I think he is a rather fine-looking villain…

Sidney the Seagull looked out to sea,
He stood on a railing and said, “look at me!
I wouldn’t mind chips washed down with a drink,
Or a scampi and chips, what do you think?”
When there came no suitable reply,
He took off and bombed from the sky!

The Big Hungry Fish!

Posted on September 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Staying with friends in Portland on the South Coast of Dorset, I noticed a pair of rather attractive dishes on the bedside tables in my room. They were handmade in Greece, possibly by former Euro-currency traders, now potters, all called Zorba. Not knowing why, I took a couple of snaps and ‘Hey-Presto’ here they are…

A little fish was swimming,
in the water against the tide,
A large fish called out to him:
“Come here for a ride!”

The little fish responded:
“I think I’ll swim beneath,
Because I’m rather wary
of your great big teeth!”

“My teeth are made for smiling,
My teeth are made to grin,
I’m really not that hungry,
You’re welcome to come in!”

Just as he was speaking,
His big mouth open wide,
A hook from the surface,
Lodged itself inside!

It just goes to show,
(If you are a fish)
What you end up getting,
Is not always what you wish!

You too can stay in this charming Dorset house!: http://www.homeaway.co.uk/p1171249?cid=SM_Facebook_slideshow_T_LPROP&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=propertyslideshow

They Think It’s Over…!

Posted on September 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

At last the referendum is over, until the next time! We still have a United Kingdom, the moon is still up there, tigers didn’t escape from the zoo and blue and white is now yesterday’s colour. So back to normal chaps, as quick as you can…

Moving swiftly on,
It’s back to normal,
I knew yesterday,
I’m paranormal!

It’s time for the news,
To turn away,
And point their cameras,
Another way!

And those in Whitehall,
Will decide,
How to tell Scotland,
They lied about the bribe!

Late Night Easy Listening!

Posted on September 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening my elderly father had a bad fall while putting out his wheely-bin. These modern refuse disposal assets can be harmful when in the wrong hands. It would appear that just before the end of round 5, the bin got the better of him and landed a hefty punch that landed him in A&E. It led to a late-night drive back up an empty motorway…

My old man ended up in A&E,
Looking like he’d fought Mohammad Ali.
It just shows that we never know,
How a day will end or go!

Driving back up the empty A1,
Late night music records spun,
Charlene sang did I agree?
She’d been to Paris but not to me!

I began to wonder what you would think,
If I too wrote nonsense and blamed the drink!
Would you say “Alas poor Bard,
We saw it coming, so avant-garde!”

I have nothing but praise and gratitude for the wonderful caring staff at the NHS Lister Hospital, Stevenage.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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The Humble Teaspoon!

Posted on September 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are some mornings when I struggle to find a topic. This morning has been one of those! It is then that I look for the ordinary, the unseen, the undervalued. This morning while making a coffee to try and kick-start the word-flow, my eyes alighted on a humble every-day item we all ignore – the teaspoon…

The smallest cutlery in the drawer,
Is the one you tend to use much more!
It measures out coffee, it measures out tea,
Sometimes used in the home pharmacy!
It doles out pickle and jam from a jar,
With mousses and yoghurts it’s a star.
When satisfying baby’s hungry cries,
A teaspoon is the perfect size!
I’ve seen some men but never a wife,
Stir their tea with the handle of a knife!
When it goes missing, you get my gist,
The humble teaspoon is most missed!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Scotland Will Decide!

Posted on September 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Following complaints from news organisations that they were running out of decent footage, all our political masters have abandoned Westminster to head North to Scotland today. It is rumoured that bribes-for-votes are the order of the day while the rest of the United Kingdom stifles a yawn…

One week from today,
If the Scots have their way,
The one word may be ‘goodbye!’
Both sides offer a land,
If it goes as they’ve planned,
Of ‘Whiskey and Porridge, Och Aye!’
But we all know,
How promises go,
Disappear in the wink of an eye!
So here’s to you all,
May you stand proud and tall,
As you decide for yourselves ‘Nae or Aye!’

I wish the Scots the best of luck in their moment of self-determination.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Battered Fish!

Posted on September 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was in our local supermarket last week when I saw a disturbing sign. It is never pleasant to witness distress, however there didn’t seem to be any sounds of discontent or pain coming from the chilled cabinet. So I continued on my way and ignored the sign…

There’s nothing worse than battered fish,
It sits sadly on the dish.
You never hear it complain,
Just in case it gets thumped again.
So perhaps we all should make a wish,
To be much kinder to battered fish.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse

Replacement Parts!

The Magic Instrument of Calm!

The Magic Shop!

The Fine-Looking Villian!

The Big Hungry Fish!

They Think It’s Over…!

Late Night Easy Listening!

The Humble Teaspoon!

Scotland Will Decide!

Battered Fish!