Personal Marketing!

Posted on September 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Friend Hazel bought me a present with my name on! She couldn’t find Baldock or Bard, so she had to make do with one of my lesser monikers. Yesterday on the tractor I drunk it! Whilst in the process I thought of how it was possibly the best marketing ploy ever…

Glug, glug, glug goes the bottle,
As I’m driving my tractor,
A smile encased, my dusty face,
Personalisation the deciding factor!

In service stations and shops,
Up and down the land,
You always see, folks like me,
With a bottle in their hand!

However the name might be wrong,
I’ve been Sue, Chantelle and Grace,
But for a while, it brings a smile,
To a strangers face!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The ‘Monday-Break-it-Fairy’ is Defeated!

Posted on September 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Sod’s Law states that if it is going to break it will do so at the most inconsiderate time! Yesterday I arrived in the field to plough and within ten minutes had to return to the farm with a broken hydraulic pipe! The ‘Monday-Break-it-Fairy’ had seen my early-morning departure and in an effort to set me back, had done her worst…

I went a’ploughing on Monday morning,
When all of a sudden without warning,
I pulled the switch to turn over the plough,
Nothing happened what do I do now?
I tried again without success,
Used those words we use under stress!
Back to the farm after such a short while,
The ‘Monday-Break-it-Fairy’ is full of bile!
Now normally I throw odd things away,
Otherwise they clutter the store for a year and a day!
But I was in for a great surprise,
An old hydraulic pipe that was just the size!
In a very short time I effected a repair,
Told the ‘Monday-Break-it-Fairy’ to go elsewhere!

With apologies if I sent her destructive powers in your direction.

The Orphan Jar!

Posted on August 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you find that guests leave the most extraordinary items behind after a visit? We had some friends to stay who brought their own coffee with them as we have only full-strength on offer. When they had gone, we discovered an orphan in the kitchen…

The cases were packed,
And put in the car,
Off on their journey.
To destination far!

Back in the kitchen,
“Don’t forget me!”
A now-orphaned jar,
of decaff-coffee!

“Don’t leave me here,
Please just wait,
They don’t like my sort
I’m left to my fate!”

Then from the corner,
A small voice like her,
“Come here and join me,”
said the artificial sweet-ner!

I never complain when guests leave things behind as it means they had a good time and will be returning! (even when their host has soaked them with water! see:http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=5905)

Alternative Medicine!

Posted on August 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Has anyone suggested an alternative treatment to a condition you have? Perhaps someone has passed on a treatment that their grandmother swore by, like rubbing a wart-affected finger on a pig’s back on the first Tuesday of the month? I am using such a treatment with mixed results…

I woke up in the middle of the night,
A pain in my back wasn’t right.
I tried to turn without a squawk,
I was lying on a champagne cork!
Now you might think sympathy I beg,
But I’ve been getting cramp in my leg.
“Clutch a champagne cork in your sleep
Your nights rest will be complete!”
If you want your cramp to go away
Open some champagne this Bank Holiday!

Does it work?
No idea, although I awake still clutching the cork like a lifebelt from the Titanic!

The Reluctant Riser!

Posted on August 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning I wanted to turn off the alarm, turn over and go back to sleep. It has been a busy fortnight harvesting and cultivating and my get-up-and-go was lying broken under the warm duvet. I lay there, realised that a couple of thousand people are relying on me to open two green gates and leapt out of bed…

Five-past five Saturday morning,
I stretch out my arm,
and attempt to curtail,
the bleedin’ alarm.
Still sleeping peacefully,
two dogs and my wife,
I want to turn over,
Continue dream life!

Dream life is peaceful,
Dream life is calm,
but dream life is stolen,
by the alarm.
In dream life you’re perfect,
incredibly wealthy,
in real life more important,
to be fit and healthy!

So up with the lark,
It’s dawn anyway,
out to the world,
To salute a new day!
New people to meet,
Some dark and some pale,
Laughter and fun,
at the Baldock Boot Sale.

Give a man a Fish (and feed him for a day!)…

Posted on August 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I am fed up with time-wasting sales calls. However at least they can be dealt with in the appropriate manner. What is more disturbing is the rise in offensive E-mail phishing.
Recently I had no less than seven results for a blood test I’d never had. The ‘doctors’ (Dr Livingston Samuel, Dr Avery Carly, Dr Griffin Sylvia, Dr Puckett Palmer, Dr Boyd Mamie, Dr Welch Houston and Dr Harmon Claudia), all suggested I had cancer. Had I been awaiting real results, this news might have caused real trauma and stress. It is time to stop the callous bastards behind these scams. Unfortunately there is no political will to act because we have such slovenly and useless politicians. Somewhere, money is being well spent in training computer skills…

Give a man a fish,
and feed him for a day,
He may just stay moderate,
not fight the USA!

But teach him how to phish,
With all computer skills,
You’ll feed him for a lifetime,
as he sells fake erectile pills!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

800 Not Out!

Posted on August 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Let me set the scene: it is well after midnight and I’m watching the grain store. The moon is completely surrounded by a watery glow, there is a gentle far-away roar of the combine harvester and we’re attempting to beat the rain that is forecast for 2am by harvesting into the night. I’m listening to Si Cranstoun singing ‘Caught in the Moonlight’, a merry little number that makes me almost want to dance (unfortunately not only am I allergic to dancing but it would also constitute a gross act of criminality in Health and Safety terms). Every so often my thoughts are interrupted by the tractor and trailer that spills yet more wheat into the intake pit and I’m forced to use a brush to sweep!
I open up my trusty dusty Mac and log onto my Bard page. Holy Moley Guacamole! I had no idea, this is my 800th daily offering…

I have published 800 verses
Call the doctor and the nurses!
Call the men in their white coats
Call the men who stare at goats!
Every morning come rain or shine
I compete another rhyme!
What I’ll write I never know
Look for a picture and off we go!
Sometimes funny sometimes sad
Sometimes good mostly bad!
Some hardy folk ask for more
Today’s is covered in dust from the store!
So thank you for reading this silly rhyme
I hope I’ll see you another time!
Postscript: The last wheat went into the barn just after 2.01am followed by rain at 2.10am. That’s a close call in anyone’s language! So that’s all the wheat in the barn, just beans to go and they’re still green!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Idiot Of The Year Award, Gold-Plated Winner: ME!

Posted on August 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon we went to use the welder in our workshop only to find it wouldn’t work. We tried inserting a new welding rod, we upped the power, we checked the terminals and took the large plug apart. Then we tried the workshop lights which refused to raise even a glimmer. After I looked at the large power input board to the farm I gave up and called our electrician…

I couldn’t use the welder,
There was no power,
I’d been trying,
For almost half an hour!
I went looking,
In the back of the shed,
For some sort of fuse,
Found cobwebs instead!
So I rang our Sparks
“Please can you come?
The welder is dead
Not even a hummm!”

“I can’t come now,
But see you in the morning,
Just leave it alone,
With power there’s no warning!”
On my way back,
In the next door barn,
I found a switch,
Faced it with alarm!
‘Workshop Power’
In large letters glowing,
I switched it on,
The electric started flowing!

My next move,
Apologise to Dean,
“I’ve been a plonker,
Biggest you have seen!
I turned off everything,
Before I went to bed,
Didn’t think about the workshop,
Never entered my silly head!”
The moral of the tale:
Check every switch,
Before your Sparks wastes a journey,
That lands you in the ditch!

Three Wheels on my Barrow!

Posted on July 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Getting ready for harvest always means something gets left off the list. We have an old barrow that collects the small seeds off the cleaner in the grain store. While maneuvering it into position from its hibernation cave, something went wrong…

Three wheels on my barrow,
Makes pushing awful hard,
Suddenly it came to a halt
As a wheel rolled down the yard!
I think I might have fixed it
And now it’s ready to roll
Cos three wheels on your barrow
Makes you lose control!

Mrs Brown’s Favourite Supper!

Posted on July 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Following a visit from a marauding fox, our four remaining hens are a motley crew! However they are all characters in their own right despite having uninspiring names (Mrs Brown, Mrs White, Mrs Bit-Grey and Mrs Halfway-Up-The-Drive!). Yesterday evening Mrs Brown was ecstatic to see some granddaughter-leftovers, her favourite food…

Mrs Brown is a very happy hen,
She’s got pasta for supper again!
She just loves left-over-night,
It sets her up to sleep just right!
She’s not very fond of potatoes,
Sprouts just aren’t her thing,
But pasta and carrots float her boat,
And make her hen-heart sing!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse