The Farmer’s Tan!

Posted on July 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

At this time of the year a farmer’s tan comes with the job. Apparently (and I have to take this on trust as I’m allergic to mirrors), I look as if I should be toiling in Mediterranian fields rather than just outside Baldock! But put away all thoughts of a bronzed hunk and replace them with bronze hulk…

I’ve got a farmer’s tan
I guess it’s supposed to be
I’ve got it on my arms
And it’s on my knee
It starts when I go hay cart
And topped up during harvest
I know it could be much better
If I wore a singlet vest
Now that I am old
And I’ve wrinkles everywhere
Nobody notices my farmers tan
And I guess I just don’t care!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

I’ve Been Framed by Collapsing Chair!

Posted on July 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It is a blessing that there are very few photos of me in circulation. My image tends to crack lenses, cause power cuts and destroy hard drives! However an embarrassing photograph has surfaced so I deemed it important that I release it before others take the opportunity. Needless to say not a drop of drink had been taken, you’ll have to believe me on that one…

I was sitting very comfortably,
Underneath a tree,
When all of a sudden,
The chair gave way under me!
Everybody laughed,
I thought with some relief,
Nobody had a camera,
‘You’ve Been Framed’ beyond belief!

And then to my amazement,
A picture of my fail,
Legs in the air upon my back,
Arrived to my E-mail!
So thank you Hazel for the snap,
I suppose it serves me right,
If I can’t take as well as hand it out,
No-one would view my plight!

Matt the Happy Fisherman!

Posted on July 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I came across a remarkable scene. Friend Matt was lying stretched out in his small dingy, megaphone in hand, talking to the fish in the river. I quietly snuck away and called for help, I had no idea that communication with fish was possible…

A fisherman I know has a birthday today,
He’s tall and quiet, not much to say!
He has a skill that may astonish:
He is able to talk to fish!
Out in his boat with a megaphone,
They seem unable to use the phone!
He shouts quite loud so it appears,
Because of course they have no ears!
He splashes the water to take a look,
“Get ready my beauties to take my hook!”
Of fish on his plate there’s a lack,
Because of course he throws them back.
After spending many hours with hook and bait,
An Indian take-away is on his plate!

Happy Birthday to Matt, ‘The Happy Fisherman!’

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Dating Woes of a Common Maidenfly!

Posted on July 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I took a photo the other day of what I thought was a mini-dragonfly. Typically I was wrong, it was a Maiden Fly! I knew nothing about them until a search engine told me they were useless at dating…

Once a Maiden Fly,
On a leaf did alight,
She sat there for a while,
She wasn’t very bright!
She thought to herself,
I’ve gotta find a mate,
I could go find a bar,
Before it gets too late!
I could go abroad,
With a group from work,
Magaluf or Ibiza,
Would be a fancy perk!
She spent so much time,
Deciding where to go,
She ended up a maiden,
And was snapped up by a crow!

The Revolving Lives of Three Fish!

Posted on July 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

A friend has a fish tank. Whenever I visit, my eyes are drawn to the activity in the tank and I wonder what the fish are thinking, if anything. One of them seems to spend much time standing in a small ruin that looks like it was once a stage. The others look on with a sense of incredulity and boredom…

Three goldfish live in a smart fish tank,
Bill and George and ‘Thespian Frank’.
Every day they play on their stage,
Frank plays an actor because of his age!
“Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears!”
He plays Julius Caesar (or so it appears!).
The others look on with that slightly bored look,
They know all the words but have not read the book!
Frank comes to the last word in his Act One,
Bows from the stage and thanks everyone!
As Bill and George shout “Encore”,
They don’t realize they’ve seen it before!
And just in case they may have misheard,
Frank starts again to repeat every word.
And so competes this tale of three topical fish,
You can read it again, (that’s if you wish!)

The Pirate and the Grandfather!

Posted on June 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I spent time with my nineteen-month-old granddaughter. We sang, we laughed, we growled, we walked and we played pirates. I had a great time! However, like eating too much cheese before bedtime, all this exuberance led to some very strange dreams…

T’was the middle of the night,
About a quarter past three,
When I awoke in my bedroom,
A pirate looking at me!

“Your money or your life” he growled,
In his piratical way,
“You’d better make your mind up fast,
I haven’t got all day!”

“You’re a no-good landlubber,
Aaarh’s what I have to say!
I’ll see you walk the plank,
If you fail to pay!”

I’d had quite enough:
“Don’t be such a muppet!
You haven’t got a backbone,
You’re just a finger puppet!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Time Alters Relationships!

Posted on June 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s strange how relationships alter with time! You can always tell when a man has a new girlfriend: his beer consumption halves, he is suddenly unavailable for golf, football or the pub and he looks unusually tidy! I suppose the same could be said about the ‘fairer sex’…

An old friend once said to me:
“My girlfriend never farts you see!
If her jeans went up in flames,
It would be the dog she blames!
The only problem I’m aware,
Is when the bloody dog’s not there,
Then the blame is obvious to see,
The culprit at such times is me!”

All can’t be bad in his life,
Because she ended up his wife!

The World Needs Experts (like a fish needs a hair straightener)

Posted on June 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been doing a job when a voice from behind you says: “I wouldn’t have done it like that!” At present every politician who has ever held office is complaining about a former Prime Minister’s comments regarding Iraq. Now I have never been a fan of the former PM, but his comments have given others a golden opportunity to say: “I wouldn’t have done it like that” from over his shoulder…

The men look over the shoulder,
Of the one doing the job,
They’re busy with advice,
While he wishes they’d just shut their gob!
“Why don’t you,” and “If I were you,”
The phrases that they most use,
Not noticing that the man doing,
Takes no notice of their views!

Dolly the Extremist Horse!

Posted on June 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I walked across the field the other day and was shocked to the very core. Dolly, who lives on the farm, was wearing some sort of veil and all-over body covering. Concerned that she might arouse the attention of the Home Secretary or the Education Minister, I made my excuses and left…

Dolly’s been radicalised,
Dolly’s gone to far,
But I think we’re safe,
She won’t fit in a car!

She’s bound to make a protest,
That she’s not allowed free rein,
She’s on a low-grass diet,
That encourages her to complain!

She wasn’t radicalized in the classroom,
(Doesn’t go to school of course),
The Prime Minister isn’t interested,
She’s just a Trojan Horse!

The Pavement Robbers!

Posted on June 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week I was in the City of Ely with the family. We were wandering along a pavement when we were accosted by three highway robbers disguised as ducks! They blocked the pavement and approached my Granddaughter…

“Stand and deliver!
Your crumbs or your life!
You’ve eatables aboard,
To feed me and the wife!
So let’s see what you’ve got,
Hidden in that pushchair,
Don’t you dare make a false move,
‘Cos we are here to scare!
Give us up a breadstick,
We’d even accept a sweet,
Any you can be on your way,
Unhindered down our street!”

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse