Depression in an Automobile!

Posted on June 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My wifes’ car is begin particularly instructive at the moment. Yesterday it suddenly announced that I needed further instruction before we set off on a journey. My challenge was to depress the brake pedal, quite a task when it’s a non-thinking inanimate object…

‘Depress brake pedal to start’ it read,
“Your mother was a Swedish drain cover,” I said,
“Your father was an old North Sea ferry,
Your sister part of a vat, used for sherry!
Your cousins were the wheels on a railway wagon,
Your Grandpa a cart, melted by a dragon!”
Still it was not feeling depressed
So I gave up, I’d tried my best!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
New! – Video from the bootsale 17/5/14!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbIERPYokho
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Pavement Racer!

Posted on June 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was strolling through a town centre when I heard the unmistakable sound of protesting tyres. Pedestrians leapt for their lives as the turbo-charged grandma came into view. Her walker, aerodynamic and sleek was being pushed to the very limit as she sped through the pedestrian centre; here was a pensioner on a mission…

Nan’s a pavement racer,
She races into town,
Her wheels squeal on the corners,
As she takes pedestrians down!

PCSO’s can’t catch her,
Constables have tried,
A traffic warden once said to halt,
Was taken for a ride!

She’s the scourge of Sainsbury’s
And of Tesco too,
Get in her way and she may,
Make mincemeat of you!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Trials of Shopping with an Elderly Human!

Posted on June 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While in a town centre recently we watched a terrier take his elderly human shopping. He drove up in a little electric scooter, gave the human a list and sat patiently waiting for his return…

Jack the Russell drives to the store,
His human needs dog food and more.
He parks the buggy outside the shop,
Looking forward to a juicy lamb chop.
Little girls peer and point,
Them, with egg, he’d like to anoint!
The terrier looks at his watch you see,
It’s almost time he was home for tea.
At last the human comes through the door,
Just in time, couldn’t take much more.
The shopping stowed and off they go,
The pavement traffic’s very slow!
Beeping the horn, “Get outa my way!
I want to get home, not tomorrow, TODAY!”

Dancing with the Captain!

Posted on June 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Being not a great drinker my downfall seems to be drinks that taste un-alcoholic but disguise their true strength behind something like lemonade. This is like stroking a fluffy kitten that then draws blood with tooth or claw, or the horror felt by the poor woman that was sold a mini-pig but ended up with a fully-grown boar that wrecked her town house. So it’s goodbye Captain (until the next time!)…

The Captain called the other night,
I gave in without a fight,
He told me that I’d have great fun,
If I took a glass or two of rum!
At first it tasted sweet and light,
Then the evening turned to night,
Out to play came wobbly legs,
No chance of dancing on empty kegs!
The mouths pronouncements out of control,
Many theories I did extoll,
Come next morning I didn’t feel well,
As I told the Captain to go to Hell!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
New! – Video from the bootsale 17/5/14!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbIERPYokho
Facebook: Baldock Bard Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Those Magnificent Men…!

Posted on June 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

During the Baldock Car Boot Sale last Saturday we had an air-intrusion that made many customers look to the skies. The angry-wasp sound of a microlight grew louder and louder until the aircraft buzzed down the length of the field and disappeared off over the hill. It reminded me of a film years ago called Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines…

Sunday afternoon film
‘When I were a lad’
An air-race to Paris,
Terry Thomas the cad!
How modern microlights,
Stay in the air,
They look flimsy as biplanes,
Used to look there!
I was once offered a flight,
A microlight pilot I met,
The next time I saw him,
He was upset:
“I was taking off well,
I failed to gain height,
Just six busted ribs,
‘Spose it served me right!’
I remember a man,
Who eschewed modern things,
He said, “If man were supposed to fly,
He’d have given us wings!”

The Furniture Showroom!

Posted on May 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I went to look for a new chair the other day. The showroom was big enough to use as an aircraft hanger and as empty of life as a post-alien abduction in Biggleswade…

There are hundreds of sofas,
And it’s always the sales,
There are enough kitchen tables,
To supply all of Wales.
Enough cushions,
To soften the fall,
But no telephone tables,
To go in the hall!
There are recliners,
relaxers and kitchen chairs,
Sofas sold singularly,
And some sold in pairs!
But after speaking to the salesman,
And losing my voice,
There is one criticism,
Just too much choice!

The Hidden World of Refrigerator Maintenance!

Posted on May 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Our refrigerator stopped working, or rather it started behaving like a broken oven. We called in Alex who has the magic and can resurrect most mechanical fails. Despite looking from many different angles and making multiple measurements, calculations and life-saving chants, he was unable to save the appliance…

When mending a fridge,
You must take care,
Not to slam the door,
Or get it caught in your hair!
You must be polite,
Possibly do some pleading,
If that doesn’t work,
Do some manual reading!
Is there illumination?
When the door’s ajar,
If it’s intermittent,
Reach for Pinot Noir!
If there’s no motor hum,
Coming from the back,
Lie down on the floor,
Give it a mighty thwack!
If it’s still not working,
There’s little you can do,
Except admit defeat,
You’ll be after one that’s new!

The Bard and The Chinese Shoe Factory!

Posted on May 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning I received an E-mail from a Chinese manufacturer of quality shoes. The plea, from a very well-mannered Mr Triumph, suggested that I may be interested in sizes from 32-46. Furthermore I was assured that their styles were nice, they were very good shoe producer and that they were right there waiting to hear from me. As it is impolite to be impolite I prepared this for them, and wish them well in the expanding Baldock shoe sector…
Far away in China,
Never showing up in news,
A very fine factory,
Making lots of shoes.
One day a marketing gentleman,
Happened by the gates,
“I give you world exposure
Thanks to Mr Gates!”
So in the Brio factory,
Mr Triumph (head of shoes),
Started e-mailing worldwide,
A clever marketing ruse.
One of these e-mails,
Happened to go astray,
And landed on my desktop,
Early yesterday.
I was most impressed,
By the footware shown,
That I thought I’d order some,
To wear around the home!
The dogs think I’ve gone barmy,
Mrs Bard is quite upset,
My granddaughter asked her mother,
“Will you take Granddad to the vet?”
So Mr Triumph,
Some shoes are on the Bard,
I’ve ordered some for the tractor,
And some for round the yard!
Good luck with your endeavours,
I hope for you the sun will shine,
Good luck to all at Brio,
Your shoes do sure look fine!
The nice Mr Triumph can be found at:
Brio Shoes Co., Ltd.
No. 303, Jiahe Road, Amoy, China
If you are passing, look him up and say that the Baldock Bard says ‘Hello!’

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Fergus, the Largest Duck in all the World!

Posted on May 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

To our ducks on the pond, new-arrival Fergus is the largest duck in all the world. He arrived the other evening from Langford, Bedfordshire, where he used to live with his wife Sydney and her sister Bridget (both named after the structure in Sydney Harbour). The ducks on our pond were speechless when he arrived, but soon succumbed to his charms…

Fergus was unhappy,
His wife had passed away,
And he was ever so lonely,
Miserable every day.
We drove up to Langford,
When contacted by phone,
Said Fergus’s Mum and Dad:
“He’s pining on his own.”
So now he’s on our pond,
With our motley crew,
There’s Balduck, an Indian Runner,
And a white duck from Norfolk too!
They welcomed their new friend,
The girls said “Want a ride?”
You’re the largest duck we’ve ever seen,
Come swim by our side!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Shopping Level: Fail!

Posted on May 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Some things in life appear simple but in reality are very difficult to accomplish. Take shopping. Mrs Bard whizzes around the shops and even though she has no list, she buys everything we’ll need. I find it slightly harder as I am easily sidetracked and forget what I have gone to the shop for…

“I’ll go shopping,” I heard myself say,
“There’s not much we need today!”
So off I went clutching bags for life,
To take some pressure from my wife!
Now in the past I’ve been known,
To bring unwanted shopping home,
I get to the store with the best intentions,
Then distracted by consumer inventions!
But this time I’d made a list,
So no groceries could be missed.
Up the aisles I pushed my trolley,
Getting sidetracked would be a folly.
Standing in the checkout queue,
Special offers hove into view!
I reached home thinking ‘success,’
“I’ve done the shopping at M&S!”
I now know how a good husband makes,
He knows to hide the chocolate teacakes!
“You can’t even accomplish a task with ease,
You’ve gone and forgotten the bloody cheese!”

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse