Keeping Trim with Mr McConnell

Posted on May 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

With the warm wet weather we’ve been having of late the grass is growing like… well, grass! Missing a weeks mowing means more time next week. Many have asked how we keep our large car boot sale field so wonderfully trim. We have a secret weapon, enter stage left Mr McConnell…

Mr McConnell has bat wings,
Mows grass for a living,
People ask what he does,
He’s so very willing!
On arrival at the field,
He gently spreads his wings,
And with help from the tractor,
Starts off mowing things!
Up and down the field he goes,
In his wake the grass surrenders,
And very soon off home he goes,
To relax in front of Eastenders!
It may look to the trained eye that Mr McConnell has left some grass un-mowed. This is done on purpose to aid the sellers to park their vehicles in a nice straight line. Mr McConnell doesn’t mind this as he likes nice straight lines (and a glass of cool beer on a hot day after hours of mowing!).

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

That Friday Morning Feeling!

Posted on May 16, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Following a busy week at work, sheep rush to the pub near Baldock!
Friday has come around again! I’m not sure how we all made it, but somehow we reached the end of a particularly trying week unscathed. However someone once told me that it takes a miserable Monday to make a fantastic Friday and that if it was weekend every day we’d long for a Monday morning! I’ve decided that tomorrow morning I’m off to the Baldock Car Boot Sale, hope you’ve something good planned…

I’ve got that Friday feeling,
It’s been building all week long,
Just last night I found myself,
Bursting into song.
I know that it’s unhealthy,
To so long for the weekend,
But I find it necessary,
Or I’ll go right round the bend!
So POETS day is here at last,
Soon to work I’ll crawl,
The best idea I’ve had all week,
Not go to work at all!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Smuggler’s Moon!

Posted on May 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I looked out across the river the other evening and grabbed my camera. For once in my life the picture came out surprisingly well considering I’m only a ‘point and squirt’ snapper. In fact I was so proud of my efforts that I had to find some words to go with it. So with apologies…

Twas a dark, dark, night at the head of the river,
Just cold enough to make you shiver.
When Captain Tom and his First Mate Jacko,
Came ashore with contraband tobacco.

They tied the boat up to the jetty,
With gloved hands that were shaky and sweaty.
Then set off down the unlit road,
Two strange men 18th Century-clothed!

Keeping eyes skinned for the local law,
They headed towards the bar room door.
The barmaid looked up from the cat she was stroking,
“You can’t bring that in ere, this is NON SMOKING!”

A Day in the Life of Rosie!

Posted on May 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Friends Matt and Hazel have a small dog called Rosie. People who don’t have a dog will not understand how they can completely take over your life. They are control on four legs, no service is quite good enough. Dog owners have been known to beg for the slightest praise…

Translation by Rover, a wise old sheepdog:
“I have two humans who live with me,
Human(m) and Human(f).
Once they have prepared my breakfast,
they are free to eat theirs.

Human(f) then leaves my house,
Human(m) sometimes says in a strange voice:
“mummy’s gone to work now!”
I don’t know what he means.
I think she might have gone somewhere to buy my food.
I allow them to fetch food for themselves too,
From what I think is called a shop,
But why should I care where it comes from,
so long as it comes and is on time!

We then leave in the Rosie transporter for ‘work’,
I let Human(m) drive as I can’t reach the pedals.
Sometimes at working I see friends:
Alfie and his human,
and sometimes Basil and Rowan,
who bring one of their humans for a walk.

I have recently learnt to tell the time:
Daytime,
Breakfast time,
Lunchtime,
Suppertime,
Night time,
Bed time.

All humans are back in my house before supper,
as they must prepare my meal,
then I let them eat so long as I have offerings to taste.

Then it’s bedtime.
I let my humans share my bed,
but I am very tired as it’s exhausting looking after two humans,
and so they’d better not disturb my sleep!

I dream about new and exciting ways to control my humans.
Tomorrow is another day!”

Dedicated to Paula, Basil and Rowan’s Human(f), a true dog-lover who has been very poorly recently, Everyone wishes you well – Get Well Soon.

Will They Come?

Posted on May 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you remember the old film starring Kevin Costner as a farmer who builds a baseball stadium in the middle of a field of maize (corn in the US)? He seemed to spend much time wandering about, not actually building his dream but listening to a voice in his head saying: “They will come!” I know how he felt. Every Saturday before the car boot sale a little voice whispers to me “Will they come?” Last week it poured with rain and some came but we couldn’t open, so questions and doubts abound this morning. However it is now out of my hands and all I need when I drive over the hill for the 536^th Saturday and see a queue of cars and vans is to say: “They have come!”…

It’s five-fifteen,
On a bright frosty morning,
I look outside,
The weather out there looks fine!
All’s in place,
There’s nothing else to do now,
Apart from wait,
And check the adverts published online!

So in an hour,
I’ll leave the house,
Go down the road,
See the queue,
Prepare the loos,
Open the gates,
And hopefully say…
“They have come!”
And they came! (updated later pictured at 10am)

Tempting Tasty Cream Cakes!

Posted on May 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have a weakness for the baker’s shelves. As I get older I find it nigh on impossible to pass the baker’s shop in Baldock without sneaking in for a crafty iced donut or bun. However I console myself with the fact that I only pass the shop once or twice a week, unlike some…

Slim Jim Jones likes sweet cakes,
From the baker not branded makes,
Every time he walks by,
He has to go inside and buy!

His trousers started getting tight,
Heartburn stalked his chest at night,
His wife started calling him ‘Jumbo Jim’
He could no longer be called slim!

His mother even asked one day,
Was there news of a child on the way?
The next stage was a pavement scooter,
With flying pendant and squeaky hooter!

Now he sleeps in an empty bed,
Looks like a rhino with a pumpkin head,
His wife wouldn’t stay, he tried to make her,
She’s gone to live with a cream-cake baker!

Lost in the Suburbs and Far From Home!

Posted on May 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I went to a garden centre the other day and not being too interested in plants I wandered about looking for something to amuse. I had no idea that garden ornaments came in such shapes and sizes. In the middle of one display I even came across a visitor from a distant land…

I’m looking for directions,
I think I’m lost you see,
I took to the water far away,
Kind of drifted in the sea.

I think it’s time for dinner,
I’ve had no fish today,
I went into the restaurant,
All the staff just ran away!

I thought I’d take a nap,
In this display of plants,
A woman said ‘sacré bleu’
I think this may be France!

So I need to go back home,
To give them all a warning,
There’s no fun in a temperate clime,
Beware of Global Warming!

Brown, The Very Old Tractor!

Posted on April 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I went to mow the roadside verge. This a job that used to be regularly done by the Council. However one four foot pass once a year is now judged to suffice under the excuse of ‘going green’. This meagre practice allows weeds to spread from the unfettered breeding ground into my crops and also makes visibility our roads more dangerous for us all. So I decided to team up with an old friend and declare war on the cow parsley and nettles…

I know an old girl her name is Brown,
Her big old wheels have been around!
You’d never guess that years ago,
She was the star of an agricultural show,
Centre stage looking grand,
On a tractor dealers stand!

Yesterday I went to the barn,
She watched me approach with alarm!
“Come on Browny, let’s get going,
You and I are off mowing!”
Very soon she was in her stride,
Mowing grass by the roadside.

Her bonnet may be bent and rusty,
Her once plush cab, worn and dusty,
But she’s still as useful as can be,
Mainly on the saw bench to chop up a tree!
Despite reluctance, despite her fears,
She won’t be scrapped for many more years!

The Cleanest Tractor in Town! (doing a dirty job)

Posted on April 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

John polished our JCB the other day. I can foresee trouble ahead as I’m having to use it to tow the loos to the car boot sale. My Mitsubishi is poorly and in bed on doctors orders. So I’m having to tread carefully…

We’ve got the cleanest tractor in town,
It gleams more than any around.
But it’s sulking, a real wailer,
as it’s towing the car boot loo-trailer!
Because my Mitsubishi is ill,
I’m using it to tow the loos down the hill.
As it hits the early-morning road,
It will try to ditch this insulting load,
and head off to a land far away,
where all lucky tractors go to play!
And frolicking in Utopia you’ll see,
one very happy JCB!

The Plastic Hammer!

Posted on April 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Our twenty-second season of car boot sales starts on Saturday. The days leading up to the first one seem to be much shorter than in a normal week. As I get (much) older I need to rely on more help to prepare, many hands make light work…

Granddaughter has joined the team,
to prepare for the car boot sale,
she helps put up the new roadside sign,
despite Granddad looking pale,
when she picks up a hammer,
and swings it around her head,
causing a Health and Safety panic,
which is better left unsaid!
The new sign is finally erected,
for all who pass to see,
and the gang who are getting ready,
go off home for tea!
(or milk and biscuits and to play with plastic hammer like Granddad!)

FYI: At all times the child mentioned here was supervised by seventeen carefully trained specialists (out of shot) in the art of using a hammer and no animals were harmed in the production of this verse. Serving Suggestion Only.

FYI2: There are some companies that go that extra mile for their customers. Poster Pidgeon (who printed our new signs) is a great find. For someone like me who struggles with sizes and puzzles over pixels, they are a godsend.
Thank you Posterpigeon! They can be found at: Posterpigeon.co.uk

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Silly Verse