Thoughts About a Terrier!

Posted on April 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was looking at my slumbering dog yesterday and wondering what human career she would have followed. Of course we all think our pooches are capable of far more than would be otherwise obvious. So I had a go at listing possible occupations…

My dog could be a poet or a husky-voiced jazz singer,
or a very accomplished cathedral bell ringer.
She could ride a bike in the Isle of Man TT,
or be a lumberjack and cut down the tallest tree!

She could be a ballerina and strike an impossible pose,
or be a plastic surgeon and reshape someone’s nose!
If she were a chef nothing would ever leave the kitchen,
If she were an estate agent she’d do well to sell in Hitchin!

If she were a funeral director she’d be solemnly dressed in black,
or write for a newspaper and call herself a hack
But all she wants to do is live without a saga
And spend much time asleep… in front of the Aga!

What could your dog do?

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Monkey Business (wot no bananas?)

Posted on April 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

In the local store yesterday I noticed an extraordinary sight – they were almost completely out of bananas. In fact such was the sense of devastation at the banana selling point that it looked as if it had been ransacked by hungry monkeys…

They came running in at half past five,
At the store near Railway Drive
Rushed around the shop like hungry piranhas
Emptied the display of fair-trade bananas!
When the manager tried to intervene
They called him names quite obscene!
The local paper never slow to press
Headline wrote: Monkey Busy-mess!

The Last Daffodil

Posted on April 16, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We have one daffodil left under the flowering cherry tree. A daffodils departure often goes unnoticed as our eyes feast on blossom. This year I have been out and thanked her for her unique colour when all around was still drab and winter-like…

A lonely daffodil called Dilly
Was standing alone by a tree
“I’m the last one left
I’m quite bereft
There’s nobody left but me”

All the others had petals a-crispy
Their time was over this year
They’d said their goodbyes
With watery eyes
Next year they will reappear

Under the tree filled with blossom
The lonely daffodil made clear:
“I am quite sure,
I’ve done this before,
I’ll see you again in a year”
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Early Morning Alarm!

Posted on April 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Did anyone else notice how bright it was, early this morning? No? I woke early (as all good farmers do, to milk the chickens or similar), and convinced myself that I’d overslept! Being so keen to salute the new day I crept back into bed for another two hours…

I woke up in the middle of the night,
And almost got up it was so bright.
I went to the window drew back the curtain,
Was time to rise of that I was certain!
As I crept back across the floor,
I realized it was just half-past four!
I narrowly avoided getting up too soon,
I blame my demeanor on a very full moon!

The ‘Invisible’ Mend!

Posted on April 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Son in law John and I went bonking yesterday. We put the post-bonker onto the JCB Loadall and replaced fencing posts down at the car boot sale field. When we returned to the farm I decided to put the bonker away in the shed. Carelessness led to a toppling over: cue some speedy mending…

The Baldock Bard has been a fool,
put the post-bonker through the shed wall.
Son-in-law John looked up to the sky
and asked the Almighty, “Why, oh why?”
A mend was needed before anyone saw,
The wall was not like it was before!
So with speed we cut a new profile sheet,
And bolted it on – repair complete!
Son-in-law John driven round the bend,
when I said it was an invisible mend!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Winning the Pools! (installing a ‘new best friend’ magnet in the garden!)

Posted on April 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Some friends are having a swimming pool dug in their garden. This is ideal as it gives even distant friends the chance to enjoy a swim without paying to visit the local ‘Municipal’. I have tried to warn Mr and Mrs X, without success and therefore wish them luck…

It’s great to have a pool in the garden
Especially before it’s erected!
The sun always shines in the brochures
But not in the place you selected!

You get in a JCB digger
Excavated earth forms a very large hill
At last you’re ready for water
It takes twenty-eight days just to fill!

In a shed sits the pump and a boiler
And power station complexity pipe
Filtration, backwash and through flow
It gurgles and belches all night!

The water, a dominant mistress
To be nurtured and kept in trim
It takes all of your hours in attendance
You haven’t the time just to swim!

You’ve added chlorine and acid a plenty
Algicide and vacuumed it clean
Along comes the thunder and lightning
The pool turns a bright shade of green!

The neighbours become very friendly
They come round to see you each day
Your children seem very popular
New ‘friends’ (clutching towels) come to ‘play’!

The electricity meter’s in meltdown
Your bank account’s begun to slip
You’re back’s not recovered from digging
All forgotten when you take your first dip!

Ducks Shout from the Roof-Tops!

Posted on April 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening two ducks were sat on the roof opposite the house. Nothing seemed to bother them as they sat looking down on the world. Kevin didn’t seem to bothered that he had no i-Phone and Kaylee wasn’t looking to go clubbing…

Mr and Mrs Duck are sitting on the roof
Watching the world go by
Mr Duck is acting aloof,
Can’t be bothered to fly!

“Look at those people down there!”
Darren says to Ducky-wucky his wife,
“They spend their time rushing about,
I’m not sure I fancy their life!”

“We have to find our food every day,
We don’t go to Tesco or Aldi,
We’ve no credit card or savings,
Everything we eat is all free!”

“No worry about our pensions,
Old age spent in the sun,
Our only real worry is simple:
A farmer carrying a gun!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Esmerelda, The Lost Hen of the Him-a-Layers!

Posted on April 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We had a school party visit the farm yesterday. Unfortunately one of our resident hens had decided to go feral and refused to go into the hen house on Sunday evening. We feared the worst, expecting to find body parts, following the close attention of Mr Fox. However during the school visit there was a sudden clucking from unexpected quarters and Esmerelda the Escapologist made a grand entrance…

The Lost Hen of the Him-a-Layers,
Is hiding out of sight,
Ready to give schoolchildren,
Something of a fright!
She creeps up behind them,
And with a deep deep voice,
Says “I’m a Him-a-Layer,
To meet you is quite nice!”

She then runs around the corner,
And hides up once again,
She enjoys playing hide-and-seek,
She’s a game-playing kind of hen!
Next time she might wear a party hat,
And play a green Kazzoo,
And march around the farmyard,
Hoping to impress you!

There is only one little problem,
Eggs she’s supposed to lay,
They all end up scrambled,
‘Cos all she wants to do is play!

Nothing to See Here, Move Along!

Posted on March 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are times we all hate technology, mainly when it refuses to work. This morning I detest it for one simple reason. For the last 691 posts I have been able to add photographs to enhance the reader’s enjoyment of my humble offerings. At times the power of the visual has thankfully overshadowed the poor quality of the verse. However, having migrated to a new server, I now find it will no longer accept uploads. Therefore this verse comes to you naked…

Here I sit in disgrace,
A puzzled look upon my face,
The ‘effin programme it no work,
It just answers with a shirk.
I’ve tried to plead for cooperation,
But the helpdesk is in another nation!
So no photo can you see,
The fault’s elsewhere not with me.
Maybe next week it will normal be,
That is with the dogs you see!
So before anything gets worse,
I’m sending you a naked verse!

The Message I Left on Your Phone…!

Posted on March 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Friday again and my brain has entered ‘the weekend phase!’ Despite having been warned many times that it can lead to no good, concentration levels on this final day of the working week are unsustainable. I have done all I can do to fight this unfortunate state of affairs to no avail. So this one’s for all of you having a similar problem at work this morning…

I rang and you were out,
so I left a message.
On it I said I was ringing because…
at that moment,
I was interrupted,
by the dogs barking because,
somebody was at the door.

I went to the door,
it was a delivery,
but not for me as,
flowers are not really my thing,
and my name isn’t Sandra!
So I shut the door and
was about to put the kettle on,
when I was interrupted…
by a shout from upstairs.

I ran upstairs until I remembered,
that I was alone in the house,
and dogs bark not shout.
I was just coming back down,
when I heard…
the sound of the phone
ringing loudly
somewhere,
but where had I left it?

Unfortunately
as I came down the stairs
a large chasm
opened up,
just by the lowest step.
I had to jump for my life,
and I fell
out of bed!

Baldock Bard

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Category Archives: Silly Verse